Ask Kelli: Parking Spots, How to Say "I"m Not Interested,", & Exercising My Dog

Dear Kelli,
The listserve has been buzzing with the pros and cons of people using chairs, etc, to save their shoveled out parking place. Where do you come down on this issue?

Signed,
Looking for the End of the Road


Dear Looking for the End of the Road,
Gosh, wouldn't it just be easier if we all lived in Miami??! (But then we'd be fighting over sun tanning spots so it's probably just the same…).

Okay, so here's my take. A public parking spot is just that -- a public parking spot. That means, unfortunately, that unless it's assigned to you, you can't "reserve" it (i.e. putting obstacles in its place). Yes, you worked hard to shovel it. I get it. I too had to break out the ear muffs, ski coat, boots, shovel, etc. (and not to mention my hard earned sweat and tears). For hours. And although it certainly felt like my spot (especially after all that!) I know it's not. If I leave it, I chance the risk it will be snagged.

If it helps at all, if someone does take "your" spot and you get angry, think of it as doing service for that person. You helped that person find a spot for the day and you made their life easier. Good for you. Chalk it up as your good deed for the day.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I get asked out by a lot of men in whom I have absolutely no interest. I have a hard time saying no. My friends say I'm too nice. How do I say I'm not interested?

Signed,
The "Nice" Girl


Dear The "Nice" Girl,
My basic rule of thumb is unless the guy is a criminal, an illegal alien, or married, a woman should give the guy at least one date. Because you just never know. After that, I think it's fair for the woman to say she's not interested.

So my advice to you is to give these guys you "think" you're definitely not interested in one date. Just one to start. If after that, if you're still not feeling it, and they ask you for another, you simply say, "Thanks so much for the invite but unfortunately I just don't feel the chemistry." This way you aren't pinning the blame on them ("You're too cheap, unattractive, heavy," etc.) but simply saying the two of you don't mesh. No one can really argue with that. Because everyone knows you can't force chemistry -- plain and simple.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My dog has gained a few pounds since winter started. I know it's because we haven't been able to exercise him. Any thoughts? It's just too darn cold to go for a long walk.

Signed,
Couch Potato Owner


Dear Couch Potato Owner,
I understand your dilemma all too well. My dog has also gained the "Winter 5" as I call it. And I'm sure my leftovers hasn't helped him either.

The best things I can think of are:
1) Indoor doggy dare care. Let the dog run around with its peers for a few hours. There are tons around the DC area.
2) Indoor dog parks. Unfortunately there aren't many. You may be able to find out about places to go by joining this Bethesda-based dog group:
http://www.meetup.com/mocodogs/ . Also, there's a big indoor dog park in
Frederick, MD, if that's not too far a drive:
http://www.frederickdoggiedaycare.com/Dog-Park-Frederick.html
3) Run your dog in your home (we use a tennis ball). Even just short sprints is better than nothing!

All the best,
Kelli


And now here are two follow-up comments on advice in last week's column, the first in response to the question from “Daydreamer,” who was procrastinating at work and having trouble staying focused on the tasks at hand:

"Daydreamer" may well have undiagnosed ADHD. She probably can't focus because her brain is biologically incapable of doing so…. For what it's worth, the daydreamer is a typical profile of women (or girls) with ADHD, and they tend to be significantly underdiagnosed as a population. While boys with ADHD tend to get better as they mature and mellow, women tend to get worse as they enter their 40s and become peri-menopausal. Thus, “Daydreamer” is probably a woman who may have managed her situation well-enough until now, but is now finding her problem is causing her more trouble. "Daydreamer" needs more help then the usual anti-procrastination techniques that work for individuals with "normal" functioning brains. Here are three web sites that offer up to date information and referral resources: http://www.ncgiadd.org/ The National Center for Gender Issues and ADHD, as well as http://www.addvance.com and http://www.chadd.org/ .

--From Concerned Reader


And some advice for “Ivy League Mom” whose son is struggling in two classes in school:

The first thing that “Ivy League Mom” should do is set up conferences with her son’s teachers. She needs their perspective on what her son isn’t doing that he should be doing, and what he needs to do to turn the situation around. Is he behind because he isn’t trying (not turning in his homework, not studying for the tests, not asking for help to learn whatever he’s having trouble understanding)? Or is he doing all the required work and asking for help with difficult problems, but still not getting it right? If it’s the first scenario,then by all means, follow the advice in the column to find out what’s bugging him and keeping him from getting his work done right in these subjects. But if it’s the second scenario (and that seems indicated by the fact that he’s struggling in just two subjects, not struggling with everything), then it sounds to this parent as if he could benefit from a patient and experienced tutor in those two subjects.

--From Parent of High Schoolers

Ask Kelli: No Motivation at Work, New to DC, & Teen Failing Classes

Dear Kelli,
I work at a job that requires me to keep track of all of my time so that it can be billed to clients. I have a terrible time staying focused at work throughout the day for five days a week. This keeps me from working as diligently as I am required, but also from keeping track of the work I actually do. I like most aspects of my job and the people I work with. I, however, cannot stay focused on a long-term continued basis. As you might imagine, this has negative consequences for me that are becoming more and more serious. It makes me anxious when I am not at work as I think about things building up. It seems like the solution would be simple - just sit down and do the work. Unfortunately, for some reason, I cannot do this, at least not for any extended period of time.

Signed,
Daydreamer


Dear Daydreamer,
One of my favorite quotes of all time is: "I was going to buy a CD on procrastination but I just didn't get around to it."

Procrastination and not being able to motivate yourself at work are not all that
surprising. I mean if you think about it, a job is almost like breakfast. You'd get sick of plain oatmeal if you had to eat it every single day, right? It's already hard enough to get up in the morning as is, but if you knew you were going to have to consume that same bowl of mush, it would be hard for anyone to be motivated. So we have to spice up your "breakfast." Here are a few of my favorite suggestions:

1) Change your scenery. Make your desk a place you are excited to visit every day. Buy a few plants, bring in some of your favorite photos and quotes, and decorate your walls with bright, loud colors.

2) Blast those tunes. Music can go a long way to making the day a little bit brighter and livelier. Studies have shown that people who work out with music are more efficient than those without headphones. I'm thinking the same could apply for you at work for you. Bring an iPod or listen to music off the internet.

3) Exercise. And before work if possible. It will give you energy and keep you more refreshed during the day. If you can't go in the morning, take a walk during the day.

4) Construct two lists. The first one is what you get out of being slow and unproductive at work. The second one what you get out of being efficient and hard working. Keep the second list in your drawer as a reminder and when you need a little pick-me-up.

5) Eat lunch. And if you can, eat it somewhere else besides your desk or the work cafeteria.

6) Be accountable. Email your boss, colleague, or a friend and tell them your work plan or goals for the day. You'll be more motivated to complete your tasks knowing others are aware of what you are doing.

7) Challenge yourself. Boredom at work usually signifies a lack of challenge. Try to take on extra or different projects at work. Ironic I know considering you feel you can't even do your "normal" work but this may just be the ticket to get you moving. (Plus in my opinion it never hurts to show more initiative.)

8) Take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Sometimes it's hard not to get caught up in the "Oh gosh. I may be here for 10 more years." Just concentrate on today. That's all you have to worry about.

9) Use a reward system. Tell yourself that if you complete two tasks you can either take a five minute walk around the office or grab a cup of water (or an incentive of your choosing). Even small rewards can make a big difference.

10) Get outside motivation. For example, I love the Ralph Marston site http://greatday.com/motivate/


All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I just moved to this area and don't feel "home" yet. How long does it typically take for a person to adjust to a new city?

Signed,
Nomad


Dear Nomad,
They say moving is the biggest stress aside from a death in the family. So it is completely and 100 percent normal to feel uncomfortable and unadjusted to a new city. Unfortunately there is no "typical" time frame. For every person it is different. I can tell you, however, that the more social you are, the better chances you have of feeling more at home. Congratulations, though, on making the first step by joining the Cleveland Park listserv. (Not that I'm biased or anything, but I think we are a pretty friendly community). You can also check out www.meetups.com for groups you are interested in making new friends. Finally, try to attend all social functions you are invited to and share with people the fact you are new to the city. People usually understand what it's like being new in a city and want to show you the ropes. Let them.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My 14-year-old son is very smart but lately he's been really unmotivated to do anything in school. In fact, his progress report showed he's actually failing two classes. Should I say something? I don't want to steer him any more into failing.

Signed,
Ivy League Mom


Dear Ivy League Mom,
The fact that there has been an abrupt change in your son's behavior signals something is definitely wrong. So yes, I absolutely would say something to him to uncover what exactly is wrong. But first let me ask you: have there been any
hanges at home? A separation or divorce can often fuel this type of behavior.
Did you or your partner accept a new job and the hours have changed? Think about if anything has been different at home. If there are no changes at home, have you noticed any changes in your son's social behavior? Is he still hanging out with the same group of friends? Finally, is there any evidence of drug use? (If so, I really like the website: www.theantidrug.com on how to educate yourself and your son about the issue).

In any event, I would sit down and ask your son if everything is okay. Remind him that you are always someone he can talk to and be honest with. And although you are "old" now, you were once a teenager too and understand the difficulties and complexities of being an adolescent. If he refuses to open up, it may be wise to see a family counselor.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Working Out, Siblings that Complain, & Material Girl Wanting to Change

Dear Kelli,
I'm pretty busy and don't have much time to work out. With two kids (7 and 9), a dog, and a husband who is almost like a third kid, I barely have time to go to the bathroom. Thoughts?

Signed,
Resolution to Work Out


Dear Resolution to Work Out,
Well, it's certainly understandable that it's hard for you to find the time to work out. But we're not letting you off the hook so easily. Here are my suggestions:

1) Buy some home exercise DVDs and look for ones that offer 10 minute workouts. Even 10 minutes is better than nothing and you can always do 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening. You can preview some here:
http://www.collagevideo.com/exercise-videos/10-minute-solution-exercise-videos-2\
4

2) Exercise at the park with the kids. You can do pull-ups on the monkey bars, race the kids to the fountain, do jumping jacks, etc. In other words, make exercise at the park a game. The kids will have fun and you'll be burning calories!

3) Take a family adventure. Winter sports are great for calorie burning. Go snow shoeing, skiing, ice skating, rock climbing indoors, etc.

4) Invest in the Wii. The Wii is a video game system that works directly with your movements. So essentially you're burning calories while playing games. What's great about this is that you can play with your kids (and your kids can also get some exercise) or you can buy the Wii Fit (a separate game) and get a great workout by yourself.

5) Park far away. (Hey, every step counts.)

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My sister Darlene has always been a bit of a pessimist. We live far away but frequently talk by phone. Lately all the complaining has really gotten to me. I feel like I never get a chance to tell her what is going on in my life because she's so focused on hers. How can I get a word in? I've tried to have a honest conversation with her but it didn't go over too well.

Signed,
Mute Sister



Dear Mute Sister,
Here's what I would do next time she calls: "Darlene! It's great to talk to you. Listen, I got about 20 minutes before I have to run out the door. So what if I tell you what is going on with me for 10 minutes, then you do the same? Do you mind if I start, though? I've been dying to tell you about…[insert interesting comment here]"

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm embarrassed that I'm really materialistic. What can I do to change it?

Signed,
Gold Digger


Dear Gold Digger,
Good for you for seeing a character defect and wanted to modify it. I would first identify why you feel you are materialistic. Is it because you want to impress people? Or do you feel powerful with expensive items? Try to answer that question honestly. It will make a big difference. Given your answer, try to replace what you want with more emotional responses. For example, if your answer was because you want to impress people (meaning you want to feel special) maybe write a list about what you feel makes you different or unique (or if that is too hard, you can ask a friend or family member the same question). Next, take contrary action. In other words, try and make others feel special and powerful (i.e. complimenting them, volunteering, etc.). You'll be amazed how helping someone else will in the end make you feel better. Finally, commit to one big goal and making small steps to achieve that goal. So for example if your big goal was to stop buying expensive labels and you are buying three chic label items per week, try and cut that down to two during week one, and then one item during week two. Keep doing this until you are finally buying just one chic label once in a while.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Gift Ideas, Not Wanting Kids, & Wanting Kids

Dear Kelli,
How can I do good this holiday season with gifts and otherwise?

Signed,
Want to do Good Finally


Dear Want to do Good Finally,
Good for you! What a great question and it's my pleasure to answer.

1) Volunteer. Nothing in my opinion means more to someone than your time. You
can go to http://www.serve.gov or http://www.volunteermatch.org to search for
opportunities right in your own zip code.

2) Save a life and give blood. http://www.givelife.org or
http://www.redcross.org can point you to the nearest blood bank.

3) Donate to charity. Click on http://www.justgive.org or
http://www.charitynavigator.org . Both offer charity gift cards that work like
gift certificates. The best part? You pick the donation amount and the gift
recipient picks the charity.

4) Shop sites that donate. http://www.giftback.com offers tons of gifts with
the charity of your choice receiving 10 percent. And if you are looking for
kids' gifts, trying visiting http://www.unicefusa.org , which helps kids around
the world.

5) Send an eco-friendly card. With every e-card you buy at
http://www.treegreetings.com , a tree is planted in the US or Central America.

6) Mail returnable cards. http://www.reproduct.net offers cards that people can
send back to be recycled.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I hate to say it but I'm not a fan of kids. And I realized I don't work great
when they are around. What's the etiquette on bring children to the office?

Signed,
Not a Kid Lover


Dear Not a Kid Lover,
The answer really depends on your office and their regulations. You may want to
talk to HR to determine their exact policies.

On your end, however, I think it really depends on the frequency and duration of
child's visit. If a co-worker is just bringing in her kid to say hi, I think
you got to suck it up (and speaking of that, if you really want brownie points,
bring the kid a sucker. You'll feel good knowing you took contrary action to
your first impulse, and the co-worker and child will really appreciate it). If,
on the other hand, the child is spending all day with her parent, doing
cartwheels in the cubicle, and spinning around and around in her chair, yeah,
you got reason to speak up to your boss. So I would use your best judgment
depending on the situation.

All the best,
Kelli



Dear Kelli,
My fiance and I are really in love. The problem is that I know I want kids in
my future and he knows he doesn't. Do we get married anyway (and I secretly
hope he'll change his mind?)

Signed,
"Mom"

Dear "Mom,"

Here's the thing: you can't assume anyone (partner, friend, relative, etc.) will
ever change. You just can't. You have to take people as they are today and not
what you want them to be in fantasy. So today your boyfriend does not want a
family. Could he change his mind? Sure, but there is no absolute guarantee.
And that's certainly a big risk if you know for sure you want to be a mom.

So I say you really have to weigh what is more important to you: having a
boyfriend that you love and giving up the idea of being a mom or finding someone
who also shares your same family desires and losing your current beau. I know
this isn't easy to answer and unfortunately, I can't make the decision for you.
But I think if you really listen to your heart you'll know what to do.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Dating, Facebook Etiquette, & Energy Tips

Dear Kelli,
I am on the Cleveland Park listserve and enjoy reading your advice.

Do you have recommendations on dating service/ matchmakers? I have tried a few
different dating sites, including Jdate, but with no success. I am 44 years old
but look younger, and would like to meet someone my age, or even a few years younger. I am a good-looking professional woman, originally from Europe, and I
would like to meet a good-looking, smart guy, with a good sense of humor and of
course, educated, interesting, etc. -- the usual. I have tried internet
dating/speed dating, everything. What would you recommend? Do you possibly know
of a good matchmaker?

Thanks for your advice.

Signed,
Looking to Meet a Mate


Dear Looking to Meet a Mate,
'Tis the season for trying to find a date, huh? This seems to be the common
theme lately!

Because this question has been asked a few times before I'm just going to post
the link for the back issues of my answers:

http://askkelli.blogspot.com/2009/11/where-to-meet-men-husband-tagging-along.htm\
l

http://askkelli.blogspot.com/2009/10/dear-kelli-im-jewish-27-year-old-female.htm\
l

And as far as matchmakers…the finest matchmakers in my opinion are your family
and friends. They know you the best, know what you are looking for, and don't
have a vested interest in trying to make a buck out of it! So put the word out
to your family and friends that you want to meet someone. Who knows -- maybe
your mom could talk to her friend Linda who knows her neighbor's cousin who just
happens to have a brother who is single! You laugh but it's true: you never
know what could happen. But it won't work unless you start the trend!

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a work colleague whose wife friended me on Facebook. That's fine and I
accepted but I soon discovered her status messages to everyone are completely
inappropriate. She'll say something like, "Feeling really sexy today. Just
popped out my Victoria's Secret new undies…" Does she realize she's making a
spectacle of herself? Should I say something to her husband?

Signed,
Cautious Friend


Dear Cautious Friend,
Ahh…Facebook. Some people utilize it to meet and reconnect with friends.
Others use it to get attention. I'm thinking that's the case for your friend's
wife.

So here's the thing: to each his own with Facebook. It's like clothing at work.
Sometimes you may find people wearing things inappropriate but you can't really
say anything (unless you're in HR but that's a different story). So in this
case, it's her post, her life, and her risk of embarrassment.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything to your friend. It's not worth the risk of
your work relationship over his wife's crazy posts. Plus, he may not be
offended because he may find his wife's post amusing or appealing. It's his
wife after all…

But does he realize she's even posting these crazy things, you ask? Probably.
Chances are: 1) He's a "friend" of hers as well and can see the posts. 2)
Someone who would post things like that tells me his wife is probably fairly
similar outside of Facebook. In other words, I'm sure your friend wouldn't be
shocked out of his mind if he did discover her messages.

All the best,
Kelli



Dear Kelli,
I have NO energy at all. I've ruled out any and all medical causes (been to a
few different doctors). Any general tips on how to be a little more lively? I
know you aren't an MD but I just need some everyday tips.

Signed,
Sleepy Slug


Dear Sleepy Slug,
I'm glad you at least ruled out any medical concerns. But you didn't mention
how you are feeling emotionally. Are you depressed at all? Depression can
often disguise itself as fatigue. If so, I highly encourage you to talk with a
therapist or counselor.

But assuming all is well physically and emotionally, here are a few tips that
work for me:

1) Drink more water! Dehydration can make you feel sluggish (and be careful of
caffeinated beverages which can dehydrate you further).

2) Eat healthy. Sugar and refined carbs can give you a lift periodically but
can cause a huge crash later in the day. You're better off eating lean
proteins, complex carbs (fruits, vegetables, whole grain bread, etc), and
healthy fats (olive oil, avocado, etc.).

3) Eat every 3-4 hours to keep your blood sugar stable.

4) Listen to music. One study found that workers who listened to music were 10%
more productive than without them.

5) Exercise. I know. This feels like the last thing you want to do when you
are tired. But exercise begets energy! Even a simple walk can give you a lift.

6) If you are desperate and need caffeine to wake up try Yerbe matte or green
tea (as opposed to energy drinks or coffee).

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Resolving Spending Habits, Divorcee Dating with Kids, & Dealing with Drunk Relatives

Dear Kelli,

My husband is a spender like nobody’s business. I’m more of a frugal gal, so much so it’s sometimes hard for me to spend money. This has always been a problem for us but it gets worse during the holidays. How do we resolve this issue?

Signed,

Frugal Fanny

Dear Frugal Fanny,

First know your situation is not uncommon. Money is the number one thing couples fight about! It may be easy for partners to match up with likes and dislikes but it’s not always so easy to match up with spending habits. So know you aren’t alone. Try and figure out why it’s so hard for you to spend and your husband not. Often our childhood and parents play a huge role in this! I would definitely encourage a candid discussion between the two of you regarding where you learned your behaviors. It will help a great deal if you find out the root cause. Third, commit to paying bills together. This way you both can see how much you owe and how much you have. Finally, it might not be a bad idea to invest in a financial counselor. This way you designate someone neutral to make the decisions for you (and you and your husband aren’t the “bad” guy). You can find a counselor at the National Foundation for Credit Counseling: www.nfcc.org/

All the best,

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

I’m recently divorced and have a 5-year-old. I’ve since starting dating a really nice guy. How soon is too soon to introduce him to my daughter?

Signed,

Want to be the best Mom

Dear Want to be the best Mom,

I applaud you for really thinking this situation through before jumping into an immediate introduction. You didn’t mention how long you’ve been dating this new guy but I’m assuming it’s still relatively new. Therefore, I would wait until you make absolute sure this relationship is a serious one. The last thing you want to do is introduce your beau to your daughter and then have to explain later why it didn’t work out. So try and hold off until you feel like there is true potential for the two of you as a couple. Then I would introduce him to your daughter in a very child-focused environment. Does your daughter love the park? The zoo? Pick a spot you feel she would be the most comfortable. I would also keep the introduction light. “Mommy has a new friend she wants you to meet…” And try and hold off on being physical in front of your daughter for awhile. In this situation I think baby steps work best.

All the best,

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

I hate the holidays!! Mainly because my uncle Rick drinks like a fish. Then he embarrasses me and the rest of the family at dinner with old stories that are often inappropriate (running around naked on the playground, etc.). It’s really unnecessary. What can I do?

Signed,

Holiday Scruge

Dear Holiday Scruge,

It’s totally understandable why you don’t like the holidays. Dealing with relatives is not easy—especially when they get inebriated at the dinner table! I would have a true heart-to-heart with your uncle before the event. Remember the sandwich method. Start with something nice, “Uncle Rick I really love being with you and I’m glad you are coming to Thanksgiving again this year.” Then place the “meat” of your conversation. “But I have to be honest and tell you that I get really embarrassed when you mention stories about me or other family members when we were younger. I feel like it’s not always comfortable for us when you talk about that. I’d really appreciate it if we could talk about other things. Maybe we can talk about how you are liking your new job?” Then end with something good again. “I hope you can respect my and the rest of the family’s feelings this year because I know we can have a really fun Thanksgiving. I look forward to seeing you.” If the pre-talk doesn’t work and Uncle Rick still acts up, I would immediately change the topic. The last thing you want to do is fuel the conversation by yelling at him or making a big deal out of it. Finally, if everyone else isn’t a big drinker in your family perhaps you could go alcohol-free this Thanksgiving?

All the best,

Kelli

Husband snoring, Perfectionists during the holidays, & DVD suggestions

Dear Kelli,
Any suggestions on how I can get a peaceful night's rest? My husband snores so loud I'm surprised you can't hear it from your house! Please don't say I should sleep in the other room, I still want to share a bed!

Signed,
Insomniac


Dear Insomniac,
Some wives who husbands snore consider divorce. So I'm glad to hear you even want to sleep in the same bed! For that I think I'm happy to give you my suggestions:

1) First check to make sure your husband doesn't have a more serious medical problem (i.e. sleep apnea, etc.)
2) Try and go to bed before your husband. Even 10-15 minutes can make a difference.
3) Purchase a great pair of ear plugs. I like the wax kind that shape to your ear. You can't hear a pin drop! Personally I like a brand called Mack's. http://www.macksearplugs.com/
4) Invest in a white noise machine. They block out all outside noise. You can find them at specialty stores like Brookstone (or in more everyday stores like Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Radio Shack).
5) Ask hubby to try nose strips. I've heard mixed reviews but it might be worth a try. I looked online and right now Breathe Right is offering 2 free samples: http://www.breatheright.com/

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
Now that the holidays are approaching I find myself wanting everything to be perfect. When my family comes I want the décor just right, the cooking Martha Stewart-esq, gifts just right, etc. How can I just ease up and go with the flow this season?

Signed,
Type A for the holidays


Dear Type A for the holidays,

I want you to first think about why you want everything to be perfect. I have a feeling you'd probably say because you want everyone to be happy and you want to ensure a good time. But if you dissect your/my answer a little deeper you might just see that it's a really a need for your control. And a lot of times taking control is a way that anxiety manifests itself. In other words, you're anxious about the holidays so you think that having everything perfect (and going crazy
trying to achieve that) will help you maintain a sense of control. If that's the case I would do a few things:

1) Make sure you give yourself at least some alone time to relax. Taking a bath, meditating and yoga are all great ways. I already hear you saying, "But I don't have the time!" Make it. It will be worth it. You'll see.
2) Challenge yourself to allow other household members to help you out. Yes, they won't do it like you do. Yes, it won't be perfect. But that's part of accepting and relinquishing some control. If this is especially hard for you, think of it as a way of giving service to others (giving other people jobs empowers them and makes them feel special.)
3) Remind yourself holidays aren't supposed to be about perfection, décor, gifts, etc. It's about time spent with the family. So keep repeating that mantra over and over.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
This sounds funny but I'm wondering what TV shows series you recommend on DVD. The shows can be old, I just need some ideas!

Signed,
Netflix Junkie


Dear Netflix Junkie,
I love this question because I too live for a good TV series! For action and suspense, 24 is simply incredible. I think I watched 15 hours non-stop, so plan on getting the series over the weekend! Lost, especially the first and second season, is pretty amazing, too. And if you are up for something different, Dexter is really fascinating. For drama, I absolutely loved Six Feet Under, and House is great in the medical arena. And finally, if you are looking for something lighter, Arrested Development and The Office are great classics.

All the best,
Kelli

Where to Meet Men, Husband Tagging Along, and Etiquette

Dear Kelli,
Here's my question: I am 33 and just moved to DC to start a new job. I am single and looking for a relationship but the majority of people I seem to be meeting are in their mid- to late-20s. Now, I have nothing against men in their mid-20s-- I have, in fact, dated some in the past but they are often in very different psychological spaces in terms of their relationship goals.

Most of my friends (male and female) are married and have started families. I have nothing against that path but I was not ready to settle down until recently. Unfortunately, I feel like I am now surrounded by people who are basically like my friends were 10 years ago: men in their mid-20s who want to settle down with women in their mid-20s -- not with women in their mid-30s. I never admitted it before because I have never felt old or starved for male
attention, but I feel I am soon to miss the dating/marriage/kids boat if something doesn't change.

Where can I meet like-minded men in an organic, authentic manner that does not require an established local social network and does not brand me as "desperate" or "on the husband hunt"? I am a well-traveled, emotionally-intelligent, Ivy-educated woman whom men and women have described as beautiful (not to be immodest). Most of the time, people are shocked when they find out I don't have a boyfriend. But how do I get past the "it should be easy for you to find a date" to "I am actually dating someone"?

Thanks!
Possibly over-the-hill on the Hill


Dear Possibly over-the-hill on the Hill,
Okay, here's the deal. I'm not sure there is an organic way to meet a man if you are truly "looking." In other words, you usually meet a mate "naturally" when you aren't looking. So you have a few choices. You can live your life normally and do more for you (classes, vacations, etc.) and perhaps meet a man that way or you go the opposite approach and be proactive about finding a guy. Yes, both choices stink. And there is no guarantee either way. But the good
news? You can do both simultaneously. Why not enrich your life while looking for a mate? Take that Italian class you always want to take. The dance class you saw in the window on the way to work. You get the idea. And on the other hand make meeting someone happen. If you've read my columns before you know I'm a big proponent of online dating. And here's the great advantage for you. You can put in your profile that you want men in their 30s. That weeds out the 20-somethings you spoke of. Or you can keep your profile open and the 20-somethings come to you KNOWING you are 30-something. Then it's their call and they know what they are getting into! You can also specify on your profile that you want to get married, not just date casually. You can see back issues of my column for online dating website suggestions:
http://askkelli.blogspot.com/2009/10/dear-kelli-im-jewish-27-year-old-female.htm\
l

I'm also a big believer in word of mouth. So put the word out that you are looking. Yes, tell your neighbors, your friends, even your mom. You're not desperate, you're smart. You're not wasting time because you know what you want. And you are asking like-minded people for a recommendation. Think of it like asking a friend for a good tailor. Or therapist. Only these people are helping you find a good guy. Essentially they are doing the weeding out for you! Finally, it never hurts to go to places where the type of men you like will be. Into sports? The ratio at a basketball game is usually 1:10 for girls vs. guys. So not half bad! Like discovering things? Why not visit the Smithsonian? Love animals? The zoo could be a different place to check out the
scene.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and have a good married girl friend who I want to spend more time with. Only every time I ask her to do something she brings her husband along! It's fine once in a while but I just want it to be us girls sometimes.

Signed,
Three's a crowd

Dear Three's a crowd,
I can imagine it's not always comfortable to be the third party. But know you have a right to your friend alone even if she is married. Just because she has a ring on her finger doesn't mean her husband is surgically attached to her. So this is what I would suggest next time you make plans. "Hey Betty, do you mind if this lunch is just us girls?" Simple yet to the point. If you don't feel quite comfortable with just that, you could qualify and say, "I just want to talk to about more feminine stuff and would feel more comfortable with just you if that's okay."

You could also always suggest more "girly" stuff to do next time you have plans. A spa, getting a manicure, and bra shopping are all things I'm not sure the husband would be exactly jumping to attend.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to learn about etiquette (in all kinds of situations)?

Thanks,
No Manners


Dear No Manners,
The most popular person who speaks about etiquette is Emily Post. She has several different books out depending on what you are looking for. See here (on Amazon) for her books:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=emily+po\
st&x=0&y=0 You can also go to the Emily Post Institute's website for more information: http://www.emilypost.com/

I also like Etiquette for Dummies by Sue Fox and The Little Book of Etiquette by Dorothea Johnson.

Additionally, if you have an iPhone there is a great application called Etiquette Avenue that gives you tips on writing thank-you notes, making small talk, etc.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Date Night Ideas, Help When It's Not Yours, & Wedding Gifts

Dear Kelli,
I've only been married for 3 years but I already feel bored. How we can spice up date night? We're always doing the same thing: dinner, movie, dinner, movie. What else can we do?

Signed,
Needing Ideas

Dear Needing Ideas,
You are not alone! It's very easy for married couples to get in a dating rut. Coming up with new ideas takes effort and who wants to do that? So let me do it for you:

1) Have a camping outing with tents and sleeping bags right in your own background! Grab a pack of marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate and make S'mores.
2) Rent a fancy car and take it out for a night on the town. For more information you can check out the Exotic Car Rental Directory:
http://www.exoticcarrental.com/car-rentals/usa/washington-dc/
3) Dance it up with a new lesson in salsa, the fox trout, or jazz. Joy of Motion in DC looks like it offers a variety: http://www.joyofmotion.org/
4) Make it a night under the stars at the Einstein Planetarium at the Smithsonian. Or see an Imax movie there. http://www.si.edu/imax/
5) Teach each other how to cook a new ethnic food or take a cooking class together. http://www.culinaerie.com/
6) Go to a nightclub together and pretend to have just met for the first time. Or better yet pretend to be two totally different people.
7) Buy glowsticks or take a flashlight and have a romantic walk in the park.
8) Do something adventurous! What about hangliding in Baltimore?
http://www.aerosports.net/
9) Do some volunteer work as a team. Here are a bunch of ideas:
http://www.volunteermatch.org/search/index.jsp?r=msa&l=56972%2C+
10) Recreate your very first date wearing your same outfits (if you still have em!) and quiz each other on who remembers more.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a huge problem when other people help me. I really appreciate it but they always do it wrong! Like my husband doesn't do the laundry the right way (forget the fabric softener) or my cleaner doesn't vacuum as well as I do. I've said something twice but should I keep voicing my opinion? What can I do?

Signed,
Help-less

Dear Help-less,
When you ask for help (which is a great first step by the way. Most people won't even ask for help) you have to know it is "conditional help'. In other words, it's their help. This means the help you receive is not going to be done in the exact fashion you would have done it. I think the first step for you is just accepting this simple fact. Next, try to put in perspective. In other words,
you might want to ask yourself: Do I want help that might not be perfect or no help at all?

The fear I have if you continue to verbalize your concerns to your husband or your housecleaner is that they will retract and not want to help at all. If you really feel the need to say something, however, I would do it very tactfully. First, acknowledge how thankful you are for the help then add your little tip. For example, "Husband, thank you so much for doing the laundry. It really helps me when I'm busy with work, walking the dog, and cooking dinner. But next time
you do the laundry would you mind throwing in a fabric softener sheet? No biggie but that would be awesome. Thanks so much!" Then next time he actually does your request make sure you recognize he did it. "Husband, I saw you threw it a fabric softener. Thanks so much. It not only shows you listen to me but you are a true champ at laundry!" (Hey, stroking the ego can never hurt…)

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
A good friend of mine never gave me a wedding gift. This was several years ago and I think he thought because he flew in for the wedding (from California, I live in DC) that his plane fare was the "gift." In two months is his wedding. Do I have to get him something?

Signed,
Gift?

Dear Gift?,
It's sometimes hard to put ourselves in other people's shoes. But I'm thinking in this case it might help you. For instance, I'm just wondering if perhaps your friend didn't have the money to also purchase a gift? We don't know if it was even a struggle for him to purchase the plane fare. Or maybe he didn't know you could also get a gift even if you purchased a flight? Who knows? Everyone grows up with a different set of "rules." But I'm thinking it definitely wasn't
malicious, just something he didn't do for his own reasoning. So that leaves me with you. Can you afford to get him a gift? If so, don't not get him a gift just to spite him. You know the golden rule: treat other people how you want to be treated. It sounds like you would have appreciated a gift, so be the bigger person and get him a gift.

All the best,
Kelli

Ak Kelli: Daughter's Bad Breath, 12-Step Programs, & Friendships

Dear Kelli,
My 17 year old daughter is lovely, charming, perceptive, very intelligent and has horrible breath. She got her braces off six months ago which I hoped would improve her breath. At her dental check up last month she was told her dental hygiene is excellent. I have taken her to her internist and a gastroenterologist (she has some reflux) and she has no medical condition that would cause her to have bad breath. I try not to talk about it with her too often, as she is understandably touchy about it. I know she doesn't drink enough water and like many high school students pushes her body with long study hours. Any suggestions that she drink more water or get more rest are dismissed angrily. I am concerned that her breath has and will negatively effect her social life.

Signed,
Concerned Mom


Dear Concerned Mom,
I hear you, especially as a mother myself. You want the best for your daughter and are nervous her breath will affect her social skills. But here's the thing: you have pretty much done everything you can do! First, you sought professional help to rule out any medical issues. Next, you've made suggestions about drinking water and getting adequate rest. What more can you do? Your daughter is obviously aware she may have a problem but she seems okay with it. That's the key. She's okay with it! I think your part now is to let it go. I would also think deeply if this is more of a problem for you than her. If your answer is yes then you have to look at why this bothers you so much (i.e. is her breath a reflection of your parenting?) As you mentioned, she's very bright. So have faith that she'll know how to deal with the consequences if her breath does negatively affect her personal relationships. It's all part of growing up and learning how to deal with situations on her own.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm a member of Overeaters Anonymous (OA). I love the program and been working the steps. As a result I've lost over 20 pounds. When people compliment and tell me how great I look, they often ask me "What's the secret?" I'm not sure I'm comfortable telling them I'm in a 12-step program, let alone Overeaters Anonymous. Do you think I should out myself?

Signed,
12-Stepper


Dear 12-Stepper,
Congratulations on getting yourself into a program and being so successful! I am a huge fan of support groups and am pleased you found one you feel comfortable in.

I see two ways of answering the question: "What's your secret?" Number 1: You could talk about the specifics you are doing: eating well, exercising, etc. and simply not mention the fact you are in an actual program. Number 2: You could put your shame aside and tell them about OA. The program worked for you, right? You sound grateful for it so why not enable other people to benefit the same way?

Another way of looking at this whole situation is looking at it from a service point of view. In other words, you could think of revealing your "secret" as actually doing a service by telling others about program when or if they ask. And after all isn't step 12: "Tried to carry this message to other compulsive overeaters?"

Either way you should feel 100% comfortable with your decision. Remember, once you are "out," you are really out. But I'm thinking it might be humbling to share your "secret." There is an old saying: "We are only as sick as our secrets" I'm thinking if you do go public you may feel better (and relieved).

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a friend of 17 years. We went to middle school together and grew up a few metro stops away. Here is the problem: over the years we've both changed. She went in one direction and I went in another. Now we barely have anything incommon. In fact, I'm not sure I even really enjoy her company. Do I continue staying friends with her or cut it off? It just feels like an obligation rather than a pleasure. On the other hand, I'm not sure I want to end it completely.
We do share a few of the same friends and I don't want it to be uncomfortable for everyone else.

Signed,
Friendless?


Dear Friendless?
So basically you are asking if you should maintain a friendship you really don't enjoy merely for the sake of history? Personally I don't believe it's necessary to continue a friendship you don't enjoy. It is, however, possible to "maintain" a friendship if you don't feel ready to end it, don't want things to be awkward in a group setting, or just want to have a few brief encounters (see
my lessons about friendship #3).

So here are a few things I've learned about friendships over the years:

1) Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes you are closer with friends and sometimes you may drift apart. That's okay.

2) Friendships should consist of mutual respect, kindness, and honesty.

3) Friendships don't have to be all or nothing. You can have an acquaintance type relationship, especially in today's world via the internet (i.e. Facebook, instant message, email, etc.) Exchanges via the internet can often take the place of face-to-face lunches or phone calls.

4) Finally, friendships should be enjoyable, not painstaking. If the friendship truly feels uncomfortable, you might want to re-examine the relationship.

All the best,
Kelli

Friend in Rehab, Vaccination Dilemmas, & Bully Trauma

Dear Kelli,
I have a friend of 40 years who has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and is now in a month-long rehab, for the second time, at a facility in Florida. I understand that this was a serious overdose and that Susan has now suffered irreversible liver and kidney damage. It is thought that her brain has likely been affected as well, although the extent is not yet known; she is described as functioning well within the confines of the facility.

Susan is the godmother of my 25-year old daughter Katherine. The last time we saw Susan was four years ago, a few months prior to her first inpatient rehab. At the time she looked very pale and weak, although after her initial meltdown and subsequent rehab, she stabilized, met a man, and got married. I have seen only one photo of her during that time (her wedding picture) and she looked great. However I know she is now very thin and her mother reports that she has
spent so much time in the sun that her face is very wrinkled. Susan had told me that people often asked if she and her mother were sisters; Susan is 61, her mother is 87. My guess is that her lifestyle has caught up with her.

Katherine wants us to take a trip and visit Aunt Susan to show our support and concern. I am of two minds about this. Susan is vain and in her current state might feel awkward about having us see her in post-rehab condition. On the other hand, this recent overdose was so severe that it required 10 days of around-the-clock monitoring – with a nurse or an aide in the room with her 24/7 – for her to detoxify enough to be sent to rehab. (During her first rehab I learned from her family that she had experienced several close calls in prior years, about which I was unaware, even though I had seen her several times during that period.)

I think Susan may have used up all her luck and that she won't have much life left after she is released. Certainly, if she ever overdoses again, she'll have no life left at all.

Prior to her recent relapse, Susan and I had talked of my visiting her, and I had mentioned this to Katherine, who was very enthusiastic and asked to be included in the trip. Obviously the situation now is different. I have yet to talk with Susan to see if she would be interested in seeing us. If she affirmatively doesn't want to see us, the question will be answered, but it may be that she would like us to visit, in which case I need help deciding – in advance – if the visit is a good or bad idea, both for me and my daughter.

I am of an age where I have had several friends die, but all have been accidental deaths. Susan is the first friend who is sick, and unlikely to get better. I remember when my mother's friends and relatives began getting sick, most often with cancer – she often went to visit them before they died. Right now I can remember the fun times Susan and I (and my family) had over the years
and must use my imagination to picture what she and her life now is like. Do I want to cauterize my memories and preserve just the pretty pictures or does a good friend always come through, even though the visit might be very upsetting? Similarly, is it wise for my daughter to witness the results of a person's slow self-destruction, particularly a person whom she has adored all her life?

I feel I need the answers to my own questions before I contact Susan and ask if she would like a visit. We live 1,500 miles apart, so I could always claim that the time/distance factor would be too great, although that is not really a consideration.

Susan has some relatives and a few friends in Florida but, to the best of my knowledge, no old friends have indicated an interest in seeing her; most of her other friends have fallen by the wayside as she disintegrated along a downward trajectory. I will be very sad when she dies - and I am not certain if I would also be angry at myself for not going to see her in advance.

I have tried to be as factual as possible. I just need to think this out, and would appreciate your help.

Signed,
Troubled Friend


Dear Troubled Friend,

I know it must be extremely hard for you to see one of your oldest friend sgo through such trauma. But the great news is that you've continued to support her throughout her entire ordeal. Not a lot of friends can say the same. So my first question to you is: why continue to stop being such a good friend now? At the time your friend needs you most? Friends are there for one another through the good and the bad. In my opinion, especially the bad. You are right in
first asking Susan what she wants regarding a visit. Assuming she does want to see you (and Katherine), I would absolutely go.

Yes, it most probably will be awkward and an upsetting visit. But you sound prepared for this which is the only thing you can really do. I also advise you to "warn" and prepare Katherine just the same. Perhaps she has the same fears you do? It would be wonderful if you could have an open and candid discussion with her beforehand. You'll both feel safer having discussed the possibilities and expectations of Susan's wellbeing.

I know you are fearful seeing Susan now will change how you've felt about her previously. But seeing someone in the present doesn't change the feelings and wonderful memories you've had together in the past. In other words, one difficult visit will not ruin the Susan you cherished beforehand.

By seeing Susan you are giving an incredible service to her. This will be invaluable to her even if she doesn't outright show it. And I have a feeling you'll feel better too.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband and I are fighting over whether or not we should vaccinate our newborn daughter. He feels strongly one way and I feel the other. Thoughts?

Signed,
Vaccination Confusion


Dear Vaccination Confusion,

First, know you two are not alone. Vaccinations are a highly controversial subject and many couples find themselves disagreeing about the next step for their child. The difficulty is that you both want the best for your child and because of that it's sometimes hard to "hear" your partner's side. So first I would have each of you gently discuss why you feel the way you do. Then repeat each other's reasonings. This way you both feel like you've been heard and at least partially understood. After both parties have said their piece I think the next best step is agreeing upon a plan that feels comfortable for the two of you.

There is an excellent book called The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child by Dr. Robert Sears. In my opinion it gives a very objective view on vaccines. Dr. Sears highlights several different schedules (a delayed or alternative schedule and a selective schedule) which may feel like a compromise for you and your husband.

I would also advise you and your husband to talk about your concerns with your pediatrician.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
This may sound silly but I feel like I'm still not over getting bullied in middle school. There was this one boy who treated me so horribly I can't get it out of my mind. In fact, I still have nightmares about it. Will I ever get over this? I'm 32 years old!

Signed,
Bully Target


Dear Bully Target,

It is absolutely not silly to still feel traumatized by something that occurred years or even decades ago. It's wonderful you are aware that you are still upset about the situation and can even pinpoint why you feel the way you do. (Often times people are unaware why they feel angry or victimized.) Now you just have to do some hard work to move on from the incident. I would highly suggest seeing a qualified mental health therapist. You've tried "getting over
it" on your own and that has lead you nowhere. It looks like you need the help of a professional. But please be patient. Something traumatizing like what you experienced can often takes months or years to start healing. I would ask friends or colleagues for a recommend therapist or you could also use a free locating service like www.therapists.net/ or http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

In the meantime I have two suggestions. The first is to write an angry letter to the boy who treated you so horribly. Say everything that comes up for you and use no censoring. A lot of times we have trapped feelings inside of us for so long that the embarrassment and shame often cover it all up. Writing a letter can get to the bottom of what we are truly feeling. Sometimes we don't even know ourselves! Craft the letter, then either read it to a trusted friend or burn it. Both are highly cathartic. Second, pray for that little boy. It sounds crazy but taking contrary action is often the most productive action we can take. Looking at this boy as being spiritually sick and needing to pray for him to get better not only helps him but you as well.

All the best,
Kelli

Money Saving Tips, The Rules, & People Stealing Food off my Plate!

Dear Kelli,
This economy stinks! I feel like I'm buried in debt and just can't afford to even go to a nice restaurant anymore. How can I save money just on the little things (i.e., groceries, cell phone, gas, etc.)?

Signed,
Cheap Skate for a Reason!


Dear Cheap Skate for a Reason,

Growing up in a household where my dad was Mr. Frugal, you are asking the right girl! For 2 years straight I ate Total for breakfast because he found some crazy sale that if you buy 12 boxes you got 3 free. Yeah, in some families it's a sin to get married out of wedlock. In my family it's a sin to buy something without a coupon. So in a sense I learned from his crazy ways!

Well, first I want to applaud you for taking a proactive approach to saving money. This will certainly help you now and in the long run.

Here are my favorite money saving tips:

Groceries:
* Try and visit farmers' markets. Not only are you saving money but you are also going green (pollution costs, no pesticides, etc.)
* Buy a membership at Cosco, BJ's Wholesale Club, or Sam's Club. It's well worth the yearly membership fee.
* Buy butter and milk when they're on sale, then put them in the freezer. Butter can last six to nine months frozen and milk can last safely for three.
* Split basics with neighbors (i.e. rice, sugar, flour, etc.)
* Learn your local grocery store's sale cycle (sales are often cyclical)
* Join your grocery store's rewards/affinity program
* Cook large batches of food and freeze for later use
* Visit online sites where you can get coupons. I like
http://www.smartsource.com/ (because it's free, of course).

Phone bills etc.:
* Go to http://www.whitefence.com/ and comparison shop for the best phone, electric, and cable service in your area.
* Think about purchasing the Magic Jack. It's a phone that you plug into the USB port in your computer. You get an incoming phone number (in your local area code), unlimited calling, and free long distance. It only costs around $20 a year plus around $20 for the device.
* Try Google Voice. It's a call forwarding service that can save you precious minutes you'd otherwise use on your cell phone.
* Consider purchasing a family cell plan.

Retail shopping:
* One of my favorite sites is http://www.retailmenot.com/ . Just type in where you are planning to purchase (i.e. Gap, Old Navy, etc.) and they usually have some sort of coupon for you.
* Think about shopping at discount stores like Marshalls, TJ Maxx, or Ross. They often have brand name clothes at a lower cost.
* Look for unique or basic pieces at consignment shops.
* Sell your old clothes on www.ebay.com . Your "junk" is another person's treasure.

Gas:
* Slow down! Every 5 mph you drive above 60 mph adds about 24 cents per gallon (automobiles generally get the best mileage rate at a steady pace).
* Consider using a cash-back credit card specifically for gas. For example, the Discover Open Road card gives 5% back on the first $100 spent on gas each month and the TrueEarnings card from Costco and American Express gives you a 3% rebate on gas.
* If you have that membership to Costco, BJ's Wholesale Club, or Sam's Club you can use their gas stations which often have the lowest rates.
* If not, check out http://www.gasbuddy.com/ to see which station has the best gas price in your neighborhood.

Other random tips:
* Work out at home (and forgo a gym membership cost). You could do dips on a chair, push-ups on the floor, and ab work right in your own home.
* Make your own cleaning supplies. See http://www.thegreenguide.com/ for recipes.
* Buy a subscription to Netflix or Blockbuster instead of going to the movies.
* Bring your own lunch to work.
* Consider cutting your own hair. It sounds funny but it's a nice savings over the long run!

Hope this helps.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I am reading a book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, "The Rules -- Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right," and my girlfriend swears to how effective the advice and the techniques are. And I do not object. I find the book very practical and real--the way it is supposed to be--"the old school way".

But I would like a second opinion. I understand that the rules or advice in self-help books really do not apply to every single human being, situation, and you can not build up your relationship, life based only on a book's advice. However, do you think what Fein and Schneider emphasize about never calling a man first, not returning his phone calls right away, being mysterious and so forth is the real way to captivate the heart of Mr. Right, as all these create a feeling of challenge that is part of men's nature, and an energy men are attracted to?

What to do then if a man shows strong interest in you, and you feel there is a mutual chemistry, but after he got your number he never calls--very illogical. Do we still never call first, and move on? Does it really matter who calls who first?

Many thanks!

Signed,
Rules Rule?


Dear Rules Rule,

[For those who aren't familiar with The Rules, I've provided a link to the Barnes & Noble web page with a good description of the book: http://tinyurl.com/yj8a93m ]

Yes, in my opinion I do believe the authors' perspective offers some merit. But not because it's important for the woman to have a leg up in a relationship (as they suggest) but because if a guy is truly interested in a woman, he'll do the calling, the asking out, etc. So in that sense a woman should just sit back and let the guys do the chasing. The book offers some pretty ridiculous suggestions at times (i.e. make sure to put lipstick on when working out "just in case") but I do agree with the overall theme that men know what they want, they do like a challenge, and women should have confidence and respect themselves.

So to answer your second question that if you and a date have mutual chemistry and he doesn't call, should you call him? Again, I say no. If isn't calling you then I don't think you truly had mutual chemistry. So yes, I am a firm believer that a girl shouldn't call first and that who calls first does matter. You want to know right from the start this guy is interested. No questions, no what-ifs, no "I'm not sure if he really likes me." In other words if he calls you, you know
he's interested. The end. No questions. If you call him, you never really know for sure. So if he hasn't called by now, yes, definitely move on.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
Help! Please tell me how to respond and how to avoid this happening in the future. An old, dearly-loved friend took me and others to dinner at a very fancy restaurant. After we have all made our own selections and the meals were delivered, our hostess asked whether I wanted to taste something on her plate. I declined. Then she asked whether she could taste something on my plate. Even though I said, "No, please don't," she speared a piece of my meat entree with
her personal fork and even passed part of the food from my plate to the guest on her other side, before I noticed what happened. She seemed to think she was justified in doing this because I had made an unusual order, calves liver, which she and her neighbor were curious to taste.

This eat-from-one-trough conduct completely destroys my appetite. What can I do to stop it? While I understand how people can be curious about the taste of rare foods, how can I encourage them to use the time-honored procedure of transferring food onto a third plate before passing it to another diner?

Signed,
A Grouchy Old Lady


Dear Grouchy Old Lady,

You have a right to be grouchy. Who wants people taking food off their plate without permission? I've learned everyone's comfort level is different when it comes to food. I know a guy who will literally let his dog lick from his plate but won't let his father drink from the same glass. So,
it's all relative.

I have a few suggestions depending on your comfort level. The first is the hardest but probably the most effective. When people ask to taste your food, you tell the truth. I would try something like, "You know, I am a little funny about people tasting my food. I don't know if I had a bad experience in a past life but it kind of destroys my appetite. I'm so sorry!"

The second is the honest but joking approach. Basically the truth, sugar-coated. While you are all sitting down to order you could throw out the idea of having a group appetizer. Then you could say something like, "Because tonight I'm hungry and Lord knows I'm not
sharing my [veal, hamburger, steak, etc.]with the group!" Then if people still ask to try your meal you could say something along the lines of: "Betty, I will happily give you my kidney but shucks, when it comes to my food I like to fly solo. It's the one thing I'm really selfish about! I'm sorry, Toots!"

Lastly (and I'll say out loud I'm not a huge fan of fibbing) but sometimes it's the only option, especially for people afraid of confrontation. If someone tries to dig at your grub simply stop them and say, "You know I'm just getting over a cold so it's probably not the best idea. I don't want to get you sick."

Good luck,
Kelli

Awesome iPhone Apps, Grandmas that Shouldn't Be Driving, & More Kids?

Dear Kelli,
I'm not sure this question is relevant but do you have an iPhone and if so what are your favorite apps?

Signed,
Proud Geek


Dear Proud Geek,
I do have an iPhone and this may be a bold statement, but it has seriously changed my life! So yes, I'd love to share my favorite apps. I'm still relatively new to the iPhone scene but here are my picks so far:

For practicality my all time favorite app is Maps. I get lost in a paper bag so this is essential for me! I also just downloaded Epicurious for recipes and shopping lists. So far so good. And I noticed Flixster is really great for finding movies in the area

Socially I dig Facebook to catch up with my friends. And recently I added Twitterific to post my tweets (I like that it's free, hee, hee!)

Finally, for fun nothing beats Scrabble, in my opinion!

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My grandma, God bless her soul, is a very sweet woman. But she's 88 and she
shouldn't be driving. She can hardly see, doesn't remember directions, and
makes teenagers seem like good drivers! But she's so stubborn and insists on
continuing to drive. She says not being able to drive is like "cutting off her
arm." How can I get her to stop driving? I'm very nervous for her and everyone
else on the road!

Signed,
Stay off the Sidewalks


Dear Stay off the Sidewalks,

You know the old saying: "You can't teach an old dog new tricks?" The same principle applies here. Your grandma is set in her ways unfortunately and probably won't change. So my advice is two-fold. First, validate her feelings regarding a loss of independence. I would say something like, "I understand how hard it must be to even think of not driving. I know how much you value your personal freedom and independence and I can completely understand." Second, I
would try and make a compromise with her. It sounds as if she's not willing to give up driving completely so you have to suggest the next best thing. I would say something along the lines of: "I believe it's fair for you to drive in and around your neighborhood. Maybe to the grocery store or to the bank? But further distances why don't I just come and pick you up?" Finally, don't forget to mention how much you love her and you're only suggesting this because you're
honestly concerned.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
We have three kids. For the past year my husband has been begging for another. I'm completely and totally finished. I love my kids but three is more than enough! Who wins?

Signed,
Finished Mom


Dear Finished Mom,

No always wins in my opinion. So in this case that would be you who "wins." To be a parent I believe BOTH individuals must really want to have the child. Sure, you may grow to love another child but from your post it sounds as if you are satisfied with your life as is. Remind your husband how grateful you are for your three kids but that another one will be too much right now. If he still won't give up, tell him you can revisit the subject in a year.

All the best,
Kelli

Gift ideas, Coworker relatioships, & Quitting Smoking

Dear Kelli,
My brother is impossible to get gifts for. Any ideas?

Signed,
No Clue


Dear No Clue,
You left me with no clue! What is your brother like? Is he into sports? If so, why not buy him a ticket to a ballgame? Or is he a foodie? Then how about taking him out to dinner? You can save money on restaurant gift certificates at www.restaurant.com. Or what about a cooking lesson? William Sonoma in Mazza Gallerie has some great cooking classes (http://www.williams-sonoma.com). More the gadget type guy? Then he'd probably love a gift certificate to Best Buy or from Amazon (www.amazon.com). Does he love adventure? You could always look
into a car racing lesson (http://www.1800bepetty.com/experience/driveexp.aspx)
or hang gliding (http://www.aerosports.net/). There is also a great website called Find Gift (http://www.findgift.com/) that helps you find a present based on who the gift is for, the age of the person, interests, etc. I also really like www.redenvelope.com for some unique ideas.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
There is a male in my office who I've had a crush on for the past two years. Should I just suck it up already and ask him out? We actually don't work in the same department so I know our work relationship wouldn't be affected.

Signed,
No Longer a Chicken


Dear No Longer a Chicken,
Absolutely not. I say this not because you work together or because I'm mean and don't want you to go out with a cute guy. It's because if this guy hasn't ask you out yet he probably isn't interested. I don't mean to be harsh but it's true. (And no, he's not too shy, too busy with work, or doesn't know who you are).

Yes, I'm old fashioned but I also know that if a guy is really interested he'll do the asking. So move on from this one because there will be another one (sweaty palms and all) willing to ask you out in no time.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm so pleased with myself that I quit smoking (23 years!) The problem is that I've noticed I've gained an obscene of weight as a result. What can I do?

Signed,
Bye Bye Cigarettes


Dear Bye Bye Cigarettes,
Congratulations! I'm very proud of you that you quit smoking. I understand how hard it must have been and how difficult it is to continue the process. So I applaud your efforts and support you 100%.

I'd like you to think about why you started smoking in the first place. Most smokers claim it was to relieve stress. So most likely you picked up a habit that soothed you. Right now, food is doing that same thing for you because smoking is no longer an option. The problem with addiction is that once you stop that certain behavior (smoking, drinking, shopping, etc), it usually
replaced by something else. The trick is to replace that habit with something healthy. So make a list of things that you can do to soothe you that aren't detrimental. For example, taking a walk, making a phone call, taking a bubble bath, etc.

Of course it will help you to exercise and eat healthy foods (fruits, vegetables, healthy fats, lean meats, etc.) But I'm thinking it's really not about the food —- it's the fact you need something to help you when difficult situations arise. A support group is great for this (or even a good friend).

It takes a lot of getting used to replacing old behaviors with new ones. So be gentle with yourself. It might also help to keep a written list of why you stopped smoking in the first place so you can continue to stay smoke-free.

All the best,
Kelli

Where to Date Online, Junky Food, & A Pet Passing

Dear Kelli,
I'm a Jewish 27-year-old female vegetarian looking to meet a nice man. I'm done with the bar scene and finally ready to try online dating. What sites do you recommend?

Signed,
Cyber Dater


Dear Cyber Dater,
Congratulations on making the move to date online. I'm partial to online dating only because that's where I met my husband! So you really never know...
Depending on your personality there are tons of online dating services. The most popular sites right now seem to be: www.match.com, www.eharmony.com, and www.plentyoffish.com. But you can always go to more specific sites depending on your priorities. For example, if you are exclusively dating Jewish men there is always www.jdate.com. And if you only want to date vegetarians you could try
www.veggiefishing.com. Want something a little different all together? You may want to try The Onion's personals: http://personals.theonion.com/, www.speeddate.com, and www.crazyblinddate.com

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I try and keep my house fairly healthy for my kids. I don't buy many sweets, chips, or sugar cereals. In fact, I'm pretty neurotic with my own diet. I'm worried because whenever my son goes to his friends' houses (once or twice a week) he goes hog wild with their junky food. He tells me how excited he is that he got to eat donuts, lollypops, and soda. I know I can't control what
other people buy but I'm nervous that he is eating all this "bad" food. What can I do?

Signed,
No Sweet Tooth

Dear No Sweet Tooth,
You're right: you can't control what other families buy. But here is my take: if your son is eating relatively healthy 80% of the time (which it sounds like), he's doing pretty well. The little junk food he's eating isn't going to hurt him. In fact, they say it's good to splurge every once in awhile.

Now I'd take a look at your part. You say you are "neurotic" with your own diet. Are you projecting your fears about unhealthy foods onto your son? You may just want to watch how you react when he does eat junk food. A lot of eating disorders develop in kids in part from their parents. And I'm nervous the more you "fear" him into eating only healthy foods the more he may rebel and go "hog wild" when he goes to his friends' houses. So I would just try and have
a balance. Maybe go food shopping with your son and have him pick out one or two treats for the week? This way he won't feel deprived and binge when he is out at other friends' houses.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My 14-year-old female Maltese just passed a week ago. But I still can't move on. I'm so depressed and upset. And I hate how everyone keeps saying, "It's only a dog!" Suggestions?

Signed,
Missy RIP

Dear Missy RIP,
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are talking to a dog lover herself so I get it. You say you "still" can't move on. It has only been a week! Grieving any loss takes time. And it's all individual too. Some people need a few days, while others need months. So please don't rush yourself to move on when you aren't ready. You take the time you need and be aware it may take more time than you think. Again, that's okay. You lived with this "family member" for 14 years. It's unrealistic to think you can just get over her passing in a week's time.

The truth is: people who aren't pet lovers may not understand the bond people humans and dogs. Unfortunately you just have to ignore the "It's only a dog!" comments. Justifying why you feel the way you do may get you more upset. So chose to not discuss your grieving with these people. If you feel the need to say anything just say something along the lines of: "Missy was part of my family and it's difficult when a family member passes. I'd really appreciate your
support during this time."

A great book to help you in the meantime is: Cold Noses: At The Pearly Gates by Gary Kurz.

All the best,
Kelli

Inappropriate Facebook Posts, Godmothers, & Peeking in People's Medicine Cabinets

Dear Kelli,
I have a friend who comments all the time about my posts on Facebook, and who says inappropriate things like, "that other picture of you looked so much better." I don't want to block my friend from seeing or commenting on my posts and pictures, but this really irks me. What do you suggest?

Signed,
Friend Is a Facebook Hog

Dear Friend Is a Facebook Hog,
Honesty! That's what I suggest. The simple truth always works for me. You have to let this "friend" know how you feel. She can't argue with your feelings. You have a right to feel them and a right to express them. But remember it's helpful to use "I" statements so your friend doesn't get defensive. For example: "I feel embarrassed and a little self-conscious when you make
inappropriate comments about my Facebook pictures and posts." If your friend still continues to post additional inappropriate comments it's time to de-friend her. She'll get the picture (no pun intended).

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My sister just recently had her first child. She wants me to be the godmother. I already have 3 kids of my own and really don't want the responsibility. Am I obligated to say yes?

Signed,
No More Fairy Godmother

Dear No More Fairy Godmother,
No, you are absolutely not obligated to say yes. In fact, saying yes if you know you can't handle the job is irresponsible on your part. I'm sure your sister wants someone who not only wants the job but who can truly take it on! It's understandable you have too much on your plate right now with 3 kids of your own and again I think honesty is the way to go here. Your sister will
appreciate your candor. Perhaps you could help her brainstorm other godmothers who could do the job?

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
When I go to somebody's house and use the bathroom, I peek into their medicine cabinet. I know it's wrong, but they probably expect that guests will look, so how wrong can it be?

Signed,
Peek-a-Boo

Dear Peek-a-Boo,
I'm not sure people expect guests to look in their cabinets but I'm sure they know it is a possibility. Does that mean it is right for guests to look there? No. Is it a big deal? In my opinion, not really. But I think the question lies more on your end. Why do you feel the need to look in other people's cabinets? Are you generally curious and why? Are you trying to get validated
knowing others take the same or different medication? I think these questions will bring some clarity (and possible closure) on why you feel the need to peek.

All the best,
Kelli

Family Drama, Phone Sex Grounds for Divorce? & Friendship Boundaries

Dear Kelli-
I have not felt close with my step-siblings for many years. A few years ago, their father passed away, so we are no longer technically related. A few weeks ago, my step-brother, his wife and their child moved to the area from the Midwest, where we all used to live. There are no other relatives in the DC area. They did not contact me to let me know they were going to move here or to let me know they had moved or to give me their information -- my mother passed all of this information to me. She believes we are all still one big happy family. What is generally considered the appropriate thing to do? Do I contactthem or let them contact me? And why bother...?

Signed,
Not Really One Big Happy Family


Dear Not Really One Big Happy Family,
It's interesting: I think on the one hand you want to write your "family" off. As you say, "why bother?" On the other hand, I think there is a part of you that really does care. I mean, would you really write to me for advice if you honestly didn't care? My guess is that deep down there is a piece of you that wants to do the kind and appropriate thing. And to me that is being the bigger
person, contacting with your step-family, and wishing them a happy move-in (and if you really want brownie points: inviting them over for dinner). Yes, it's difficult. Yes, they aren't your favorite people in the world. But you're doing the right thing. Keeping your side of the street clean as they say. And you'll feel better. Wouldn't you want them to do the same for you?

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband and I have been married 40 years. It's a pretty sorry relationship and although we're mostly pleasant with one another and occasionally enjoy a laugh together, there hasn't been a physical relationship for over 10 years. Recently he has begun to have phone sex with a young friend from out west. I had noticed changes in him, overheard a few things, and happened on his sent emails, which confirmed it along with mutual statements of love and lust. I was away for the weekend and now see that things have progress to his having long conversations with her while I am in earshot. He's following her pot roast recipe, talking about taking his sweaters to the cleaners--all friendly and chatty.

I am not really upset about his falling in love. We all deserve to have love in our lives and it is not going to happen with us again in our long problematic relationship.

I am upset that this is now intolerable and I'm going to have to confront him, make housing and financial decisions, and families on both sides will get tossed around emotionally.

I am also concerned that the 35 year old, quite beautiful and sexy grandmother will get tired of him and we'll then be blown apart for nothing.

At 66, I would be OK with living on my own, I have friends and lots of interests. I would hate to lose our little retirement house and I would hate for him to move and leave children and grandchildren without him. Money would, of course, be more of a problem.

I don't think I have any right to ask him to stop, nor would he be likely to.

Do you have any idea what steps to recommend? I'm heading for the library to study up but am hoping for some sage advice as well. Is phone sex/love enough grounds for divorce in DC?

Signed,
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
There is no question divorce is extremely difficult. I believe the first step you have to take if you are going to go through with this is simply accepting the fact this is not going to be easy.

It sounds like you're trying to weigh whether you should continue living with your spouse who is emotionally (and possibly physically) cheating on you or divorcing him and dealing with some logistical complexities.

From what you wrote I get the sense you can't live with the situation anymore (obviously totally understandable). My guess is that you are mainly nervous about the big steps that lie ahead, not whether or not you're making a mistake by leaving him. What you have to remember is that the logistical complexities won't last forever. Yes, they will be tough and frustrating for awhile but then it will get easier. And you're okay with the hardest part: living on your own.

I believe an important question to ask yourself is: Is my self-worth more important than dealing with some (temporary) rearrangements?

As for the fear that your husband's phone-sex mistress will get tired of him -- well, frankly that is not your problem. You have more important things to worry about, like what night you are going out with your friends, when you are getting your next massage, and so on. Take this time for you; you deserve it. And don't worry about her. You can't do anything about their situation anyway.

Unfortunately I don't know the laws in DC regarding divorce and phone sex. I would suggest hiring a good divorce lawyer who can tell you more specifics.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I need advice on how to handle a difficult situation. My two best friends never married each other but have a wonderful child together. They have decided that they should live as far apart from one another and are no longer on positive terms with each other. I have told them both that they should try to sort their issues out without going through lawyers. I also told them that I would not repeat my advice/position and that I would stay neutral since I am in no position to take sides. They continue to share with me their messages with one another on what they plan to do against each other. I really do not want to get involved and caught in the middle since they ignored my plea and are now escalating this to legal litigation. I also hope to never to receive a subpoena as this would tear our friendship apart. On the other hand, they are very close friends of mine and they need my support. Any advice you can give on the best way to handle this?

Signed,
A Friend Who Wants to Help


Dear Friend Who Wants to Help,
You need to reestablish your boundaries with both of your friends. As much as you don't realize it, you are in control here. You need to state firmly to each of them: "I love and support you but I cannot be put in the middle of this. If you value our friendship you will respect my wishes and not discuss any part of the divorce with me." If nothing changes then you have to question the
friendship you have in the first place. Friends respect each other's boundaries.

All the best,
Kelli