Ask Kelli: Foot Fetish, Don't Want to Do Thanksgiving at M-Inlaws, & Man Watching Too Much Sports?

Dear Kelli,
I have a foot fetish. I could stare at people's feet all day long. Is this normal?

Signed,
Happy Feet


Dear Happy Feet,
Normal? Probably not. Insane? No. You have a foot fetish. Not the worst fetish I've heard. Look, everyone has a preference. Some like legs, others like feet. You're one of those. That's okay. In my opinion, as long as you aren't touching the stranger's feet, I think you're okay to admire them.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to tell my extremely persuasive mother-in-law that we don't want to come home for the holidays? We both want to stay here in DC, relax, and eat turkey in front of our own TV. She lives cross country. We really don't feel like schlepping on a five hour flight, waiting in line, and dealing with her force feeding that occurs every Thanksgiving.

Signed,
Homebound


Dear Homebound,
My first piece of advice is to have your husband manage his mother. When it comes to mother-in-law issues, it's in the husband's hands.

So have him do the dirty work.

Now if he is away or can't for some logical (key word, logical) reason, then I suggest you try telling the truth. Something like, "'Mom,' I have to be honest with you. We think it might be too much for us to fly out for Thanksgiving this year. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. We both have been feeling really drained lately and we're not sure right now we can withstand all the traffic and flying. This wasn't an easy decision, especially because we know how badly you want us to come out, so we thank you in advance for understanding."

Then end it. If she tries to guilt-trip you, you don't give in. You end it. Something like, "I know you really want me there, 'Mom' and I'm sorry we've come to this decision."

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
What's a reasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports? My husband watches 35 hours (yes 35!) of sports a week. It often takes the place of watching the kids, helping clean up, couple time, sex, etc. I'm getting fed up but wondering if I have reason to be.

Signed,
Not a Sports Fan


Dear Not a Sports Fan,
A unreasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports is at the point at which his wife feels their marriage has been compromised. You have every right to feel frustrated and annoyed. Thirty-five hours a week is a lot of TV time. It's a lot even if your husband is Michael Jordan.

So here's my advice. Stop being a doormat and start talking to your husband about it. Tell him your marriage is on the line. Yes, it's dramatic but it's also the truth. With 35 hours a week (and I assume he's also working?) when does he have time for you? And your kids? If he keeps on watching the amount he's watching, you're going to continue to feel ignored. And then eventually you're going to get resentful and possibly fall out of love. Maybe he doesn't directly mean to hurt you, but he is. He's also disrespecting your family. So you must say something. You have every right to feel "fed up."

It's one thing to have a passion and love for sports. And several hours a week is understandable. But 35 hours is a sign that something's not working. You need to have a sit-down with your man and discuss.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Paying Babysitter, Persistent Friend, & Husband Spending on Frivolous Item

Dear Kelli,
I tell my babysitter to come at 3:30 pm on Mondays and Wednesdays. She usually comes around 3:05 pm and then gets right to work. Do I have to pay her for the time she comes early? She usually helps immediately when she arrives but I really don't need her to start until 3:30 pm (although I certainly don't mind the extra help!) I've made it clear that she doesn't need to be at my house until 3:30 pm, so she is definitely aware.

Signed,
Should I Pay?


Dear Should I Pay,
No. I think you're okay just paying her for the time you told her to be there. It's her decision to come early, especially since you made the start time clear. If she wants to "volunteer" for those extra 25 minutes she is most certainly entitled to!

What would be nice, however, is to give her a generous holiday bonus to show your appreciation at the end of this year.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend whom I adore. We used to work together about four years ago. Well, she started her own company now is actually doing something very different from what we used to do. I like the idea of what she's doing but am not interested in actually being a part of it. She's invited to work for her on several occasions and keeps persisting. I feel bad and guilty saying no outright, so I keep saying, "Yeah, I'll think about it" or "Perhaps a little later on." But now she keeps bugging me about it, to the point I'm getting really frustrated. What can I do?

Signed,
Don't Want to Join Her Company!


Dear Don't Want to Join Her Company,
Well, you can start by being honest with your friend. Of course she keeps asking you about this opportunity: She thinks you may actually want to be a part of it! So it's time to be upfront and real with her. You can say, "I'm so sorry, Lisa. Although I think what you're doing is awesome, I don't think this is going to work out for me and I'm sorry if I led you in a different direction. I'll definitely let you know if I change my mind, and if you want, I can help you brainstorm other potentials."

Just take this situation as a lesson learned. It's better to be upfront the first time, rather than beating around the bush several times.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband is constantly on my case about spending. (Yes, I'm definitely the spender in the family.) Last week, however, he went out and bought an old fixer-upper car. He never spends but I can't help but feel annoyed. Why do we need a fixer-upper car? I'd rather put that money towards clothes or things I've been so careful about not spending our money on! Do I have the right to be mad or should I just let this one go, considering he never really buys anything?

Signed,
Fix This One


Dear Fix This One,
I'd let this one go. Yes, you have a right to feel frustrated. You've probably been watching every penny and here you are seeing your husband spend on what you think is a frivolous purchase.

So I have two things to say about this. First of all, it may seem ridiculous to you, but this car is probably super-exciting to your husband. Just like clothes are cool and exciting to you (and he doesn't get it), this is his favorite splurge. Plus, this actually may be a hobby for him, not just a one-time purchase.

Second, I actually think it's a good thing that he's spending money. First, because it's healthy for everyone to splurge once in awhile and second, because splurging reminds your husband that it's okay to be deserving. This way he can cut you some slack for the future!

So yes, let this one go. But if keeps purchasing and simultaneously telling you to save, then we'll talk.

All the best,
Kelli

Where to Meet Men, Husband Tagging Along, and Etiquette

Dear Kelli,
Here's my question: I am 33 and just moved to DC to start a new job. I am single and looking for a relationship but the majority of people I seem to be meeting are in their mid- to late-20s. Now, I have nothing against men in their mid-20s-- I have, in fact, dated some in the past but they are often in very different psychological spaces in terms of their relationship goals.

Most of my friends (male and female) are married and have started families. I have nothing against that path but I was not ready to settle down until recently. Unfortunately, I feel like I am now surrounded by people who are basically like my friends were 10 years ago: men in their mid-20s who want to settle down with women in their mid-20s -- not with women in their mid-30s. I never admitted it before because I have never felt old or starved for male
attention, but I feel I am soon to miss the dating/marriage/kids boat if something doesn't change.

Where can I meet like-minded men in an organic, authentic manner that does not require an established local social network and does not brand me as "desperate" or "on the husband hunt"? I am a well-traveled, emotionally-intelligent, Ivy-educated woman whom men and women have described as beautiful (not to be immodest). Most of the time, people are shocked when they find out I don't have a boyfriend. But how do I get past the "it should be easy for you to find a date" to "I am actually dating someone"?

Thanks!
Possibly over-the-hill on the Hill


Dear Possibly over-the-hill on the Hill,
Okay, here's the deal. I'm not sure there is an organic way to meet a man if you are truly "looking." In other words, you usually meet a mate "naturally" when you aren't looking. So you have a few choices. You can live your life normally and do more for you (classes, vacations, etc.) and perhaps meet a man that way or you go the opposite approach and be proactive about finding a guy. Yes, both choices stink. And there is no guarantee either way. But the good
news? You can do both simultaneously. Why not enrich your life while looking for a mate? Take that Italian class you always want to take. The dance class you saw in the window on the way to work. You get the idea. And on the other hand make meeting someone happen. If you've read my columns before you know I'm a big proponent of online dating. And here's the great advantage for you. You can put in your profile that you want men in their 30s. That weeds out the 20-somethings you spoke of. Or you can keep your profile open and the 20-somethings come to you KNOWING you are 30-something. Then it's their call and they know what they are getting into! You can also specify on your profile that you want to get married, not just date casually. You can see back issues of my column for online dating website suggestions:
http://askkelli.blogspot.com/2009/10/dear-kelli-im-jewish-27-year-old-female.htm\
l

I'm also a big believer in word of mouth. So put the word out that you are looking. Yes, tell your neighbors, your friends, even your mom. You're not desperate, you're smart. You're not wasting time because you know what you want. And you are asking like-minded people for a recommendation. Think of it like asking a friend for a good tailor. Or therapist. Only these people are helping you find a good guy. Essentially they are doing the weeding out for you! Finally, it never hurts to go to places where the type of men you like will be. Into sports? The ratio at a basketball game is usually 1:10 for girls vs. guys. So not half bad! Like discovering things? Why not visit the Smithsonian? Love animals? The zoo could be a different place to check out the
scene.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and have a good married girl friend who I want to spend more time with. Only every time I ask her to do something she brings her husband along! It's fine once in a while but I just want it to be us girls sometimes.

Signed,
Three's a crowd

Dear Three's a crowd,
I can imagine it's not always comfortable to be the third party. But know you have a right to your friend alone even if she is married. Just because she has a ring on her finger doesn't mean her husband is surgically attached to her. So this is what I would suggest next time you make plans. "Hey Betty, do you mind if this lunch is just us girls?" Simple yet to the point. If you don't feel quite comfortable with just that, you could qualify and say, "I just want to talk to about more feminine stuff and would feel more comfortable with just you if that's okay."

You could also always suggest more "girly" stuff to do next time you have plans. A spa, getting a manicure, and bra shopping are all things I'm not sure the husband would be exactly jumping to attend.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to learn about etiquette (in all kinds of situations)?

Thanks,
No Manners


Dear No Manners,
The most popular person who speaks about etiquette is Emily Post. She has several different books out depending on what you are looking for. See here (on Amazon) for her books:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=emily+po\
st&x=0&y=0 You can also go to the Emily Post Institute's website for more information: http://www.emilypost.com/

I also like Etiquette for Dummies by Sue Fox and The Little Book of Etiquette by Dorothea Johnson.

Additionally, if you have an iPhone there is a great application called Etiquette Avenue that gives you tips on writing thank-you notes, making small talk, etc.

All the best,
Kelli