Ak Kelli: Daughter's Bad Breath, 12-Step Programs, & Friendships

Dear Kelli,
My 17 year old daughter is lovely, charming, perceptive, very intelligent and has horrible breath. She got her braces off six months ago which I hoped would improve her breath. At her dental check up last month she was told her dental hygiene is excellent. I have taken her to her internist and a gastroenterologist (she has some reflux) and she has no medical condition that would cause her to have bad breath. I try not to talk about it with her too often, as she is understandably touchy about it. I know she doesn't drink enough water and like many high school students pushes her body with long study hours. Any suggestions that she drink more water or get more rest are dismissed angrily. I am concerned that her breath has and will negatively effect her social life.

Signed,
Concerned Mom


Dear Concerned Mom,
I hear you, especially as a mother myself. You want the best for your daughter and are nervous her breath will affect her social skills. But here's the thing: you have pretty much done everything you can do! First, you sought professional help to rule out any medical issues. Next, you've made suggestions about drinking water and getting adequate rest. What more can you do? Your daughter is obviously aware she may have a problem but she seems okay with it. That's the key. She's okay with it! I think your part now is to let it go. I would also think deeply if this is more of a problem for you than her. If your answer is yes then you have to look at why this bothers you so much (i.e. is her breath a reflection of your parenting?) As you mentioned, she's very bright. So have faith that she'll know how to deal with the consequences if her breath does negatively affect her personal relationships. It's all part of growing up and learning how to deal with situations on her own.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm a member of Overeaters Anonymous (OA). I love the program and been working the steps. As a result I've lost over 20 pounds. When people compliment and tell me how great I look, they often ask me "What's the secret?" I'm not sure I'm comfortable telling them I'm in a 12-step program, let alone Overeaters Anonymous. Do you think I should out myself?

Signed,
12-Stepper


Dear 12-Stepper,
Congratulations on getting yourself into a program and being so successful! I am a huge fan of support groups and am pleased you found one you feel comfortable in.

I see two ways of answering the question: "What's your secret?" Number 1: You could talk about the specifics you are doing: eating well, exercising, etc. and simply not mention the fact you are in an actual program. Number 2: You could put your shame aside and tell them about OA. The program worked for you, right? You sound grateful for it so why not enable other people to benefit the same way?

Another way of looking at this whole situation is looking at it from a service point of view. In other words, you could think of revealing your "secret" as actually doing a service by telling others about program when or if they ask. And after all isn't step 12: "Tried to carry this message to other compulsive overeaters?"

Either way you should feel 100% comfortable with your decision. Remember, once you are "out," you are really out. But I'm thinking it might be humbling to share your "secret." There is an old saying: "We are only as sick as our secrets" I'm thinking if you do go public you may feel better (and relieved).

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a friend of 17 years. We went to middle school together and grew up a few metro stops away. Here is the problem: over the years we've both changed. She went in one direction and I went in another. Now we barely have anything incommon. In fact, I'm not sure I even really enjoy her company. Do I continue staying friends with her or cut it off? It just feels like an obligation rather than a pleasure. On the other hand, I'm not sure I want to end it completely.
We do share a few of the same friends and I don't want it to be uncomfortable for everyone else.

Signed,
Friendless?


Dear Friendless?
So basically you are asking if you should maintain a friendship you really don't enjoy merely for the sake of history? Personally I don't believe it's necessary to continue a friendship you don't enjoy. It is, however, possible to "maintain" a friendship if you don't feel ready to end it, don't want things to be awkward in a group setting, or just want to have a few brief encounters (see
my lessons about friendship #3).

So here are a few things I've learned about friendships over the years:

1) Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes you are closer with friends and sometimes you may drift apart. That's okay.

2) Friendships should consist of mutual respect, kindness, and honesty.

3) Friendships don't have to be all or nothing. You can have an acquaintance type relationship, especially in today's world via the internet (i.e. Facebook, instant message, email, etc.) Exchanges via the internet can often take the place of face-to-face lunches or phone calls.

4) Finally, friendships should be enjoyable, not painstaking. If the friendship truly feels uncomfortable, you might want to re-examine the relationship.

All the best,
Kelli

Friend in Rehab, Vaccination Dilemmas, & Bully Trauma

Dear Kelli,
I have a friend of 40 years who has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and is now in a month-long rehab, for the second time, at a facility in Florida. I understand that this was a serious overdose and that Susan has now suffered irreversible liver and kidney damage. It is thought that her brain has likely been affected as well, although the extent is not yet known; she is described as functioning well within the confines of the facility.

Susan is the godmother of my 25-year old daughter Katherine. The last time we saw Susan was four years ago, a few months prior to her first inpatient rehab. At the time she looked very pale and weak, although after her initial meltdown and subsequent rehab, she stabilized, met a man, and got married. I have seen only one photo of her during that time (her wedding picture) and she looked great. However I know she is now very thin and her mother reports that she has
spent so much time in the sun that her face is very wrinkled. Susan had told me that people often asked if she and her mother were sisters; Susan is 61, her mother is 87. My guess is that her lifestyle has caught up with her.

Katherine wants us to take a trip and visit Aunt Susan to show our support and concern. I am of two minds about this. Susan is vain and in her current state might feel awkward about having us see her in post-rehab condition. On the other hand, this recent overdose was so severe that it required 10 days of around-the-clock monitoring – with a nurse or an aide in the room with her 24/7 – for her to detoxify enough to be sent to rehab. (During her first rehab I learned from her family that she had experienced several close calls in prior years, about which I was unaware, even though I had seen her several times during that period.)

I think Susan may have used up all her luck and that she won't have much life left after she is released. Certainly, if she ever overdoses again, she'll have no life left at all.

Prior to her recent relapse, Susan and I had talked of my visiting her, and I had mentioned this to Katherine, who was very enthusiastic and asked to be included in the trip. Obviously the situation now is different. I have yet to talk with Susan to see if she would be interested in seeing us. If she affirmatively doesn't want to see us, the question will be answered, but it may be that she would like us to visit, in which case I need help deciding – in advance – if the visit is a good or bad idea, both for me and my daughter.

I am of an age where I have had several friends die, but all have been accidental deaths. Susan is the first friend who is sick, and unlikely to get better. I remember when my mother's friends and relatives began getting sick, most often with cancer – she often went to visit them before they died. Right now I can remember the fun times Susan and I (and my family) had over the years
and must use my imagination to picture what she and her life now is like. Do I want to cauterize my memories and preserve just the pretty pictures or does a good friend always come through, even though the visit might be very upsetting? Similarly, is it wise for my daughter to witness the results of a person's slow self-destruction, particularly a person whom she has adored all her life?

I feel I need the answers to my own questions before I contact Susan and ask if she would like a visit. We live 1,500 miles apart, so I could always claim that the time/distance factor would be too great, although that is not really a consideration.

Susan has some relatives and a few friends in Florida but, to the best of my knowledge, no old friends have indicated an interest in seeing her; most of her other friends have fallen by the wayside as she disintegrated along a downward trajectory. I will be very sad when she dies - and I am not certain if I would also be angry at myself for not going to see her in advance.

I have tried to be as factual as possible. I just need to think this out, and would appreciate your help.

Signed,
Troubled Friend


Dear Troubled Friend,

I know it must be extremely hard for you to see one of your oldest friend sgo through such trauma. But the great news is that you've continued to support her throughout her entire ordeal. Not a lot of friends can say the same. So my first question to you is: why continue to stop being such a good friend now? At the time your friend needs you most? Friends are there for one another through the good and the bad. In my opinion, especially the bad. You are right in
first asking Susan what she wants regarding a visit. Assuming she does want to see you (and Katherine), I would absolutely go.

Yes, it most probably will be awkward and an upsetting visit. But you sound prepared for this which is the only thing you can really do. I also advise you to "warn" and prepare Katherine just the same. Perhaps she has the same fears you do? It would be wonderful if you could have an open and candid discussion with her beforehand. You'll both feel safer having discussed the possibilities and expectations of Susan's wellbeing.

I know you are fearful seeing Susan now will change how you've felt about her previously. But seeing someone in the present doesn't change the feelings and wonderful memories you've had together in the past. In other words, one difficult visit will not ruin the Susan you cherished beforehand.

By seeing Susan you are giving an incredible service to her. This will be invaluable to her even if she doesn't outright show it. And I have a feeling you'll feel better too.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband and I are fighting over whether or not we should vaccinate our newborn daughter. He feels strongly one way and I feel the other. Thoughts?

Signed,
Vaccination Confusion


Dear Vaccination Confusion,

First, know you two are not alone. Vaccinations are a highly controversial subject and many couples find themselves disagreeing about the next step for their child. The difficulty is that you both want the best for your child and because of that it's sometimes hard to "hear" your partner's side. So first I would have each of you gently discuss why you feel the way you do. Then repeat each other's reasonings. This way you both feel like you've been heard and at least partially understood. After both parties have said their piece I think the next best step is agreeing upon a plan that feels comfortable for the two of you.

There is an excellent book called The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child by Dr. Robert Sears. In my opinion it gives a very objective view on vaccines. Dr. Sears highlights several different schedules (a delayed or alternative schedule and a selective schedule) which may feel like a compromise for you and your husband.

I would also advise you and your husband to talk about your concerns with your pediatrician.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
This may sound silly but I feel like I'm still not over getting bullied in middle school. There was this one boy who treated me so horribly I can't get it out of my mind. In fact, I still have nightmares about it. Will I ever get over this? I'm 32 years old!

Signed,
Bully Target


Dear Bully Target,

It is absolutely not silly to still feel traumatized by something that occurred years or even decades ago. It's wonderful you are aware that you are still upset about the situation and can even pinpoint why you feel the way you do. (Often times people are unaware why they feel angry or victimized.) Now you just have to do some hard work to move on from the incident. I would highly suggest seeing a qualified mental health therapist. You've tried "getting over
it" on your own and that has lead you nowhere. It looks like you need the help of a professional. But please be patient. Something traumatizing like what you experienced can often takes months or years to start healing. I would ask friends or colleagues for a recommend therapist or you could also use a free locating service like www.therapists.net/ or http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

In the meantime I have two suggestions. The first is to write an angry letter to the boy who treated you so horribly. Say everything that comes up for you and use no censoring. A lot of times we have trapped feelings inside of us for so long that the embarrassment and shame often cover it all up. Writing a letter can get to the bottom of what we are truly feeling. Sometimes we don't even know ourselves! Craft the letter, then either read it to a trusted friend or burn it. Both are highly cathartic. Second, pray for that little boy. It sounds crazy but taking contrary action is often the most productive action we can take. Looking at this boy as being spiritually sick and needing to pray for him to get better not only helps him but you as well.

All the best,
Kelli

Money Saving Tips, The Rules, & People Stealing Food off my Plate!

Dear Kelli,
This economy stinks! I feel like I'm buried in debt and just can't afford to even go to a nice restaurant anymore. How can I save money just on the little things (i.e., groceries, cell phone, gas, etc.)?

Signed,
Cheap Skate for a Reason!


Dear Cheap Skate for a Reason,

Growing up in a household where my dad was Mr. Frugal, you are asking the right girl! For 2 years straight I ate Total for breakfast because he found some crazy sale that if you buy 12 boxes you got 3 free. Yeah, in some families it's a sin to get married out of wedlock. In my family it's a sin to buy something without a coupon. So in a sense I learned from his crazy ways!

Well, first I want to applaud you for taking a proactive approach to saving money. This will certainly help you now and in the long run.

Here are my favorite money saving tips:

Groceries:
* Try and visit farmers' markets. Not only are you saving money but you are also going green (pollution costs, no pesticides, etc.)
* Buy a membership at Cosco, BJ's Wholesale Club, or Sam's Club. It's well worth the yearly membership fee.
* Buy butter and milk when they're on sale, then put them in the freezer. Butter can last six to nine months frozen and milk can last safely for three.
* Split basics with neighbors (i.e. rice, sugar, flour, etc.)
* Learn your local grocery store's sale cycle (sales are often cyclical)
* Join your grocery store's rewards/affinity program
* Cook large batches of food and freeze for later use
* Visit online sites where you can get coupons. I like
http://www.smartsource.com/ (because it's free, of course).

Phone bills etc.:
* Go to http://www.whitefence.com/ and comparison shop for the best phone, electric, and cable service in your area.
* Think about purchasing the Magic Jack. It's a phone that you plug into the USB port in your computer. You get an incoming phone number (in your local area code), unlimited calling, and free long distance. It only costs around $20 a year plus around $20 for the device.
* Try Google Voice. It's a call forwarding service that can save you precious minutes you'd otherwise use on your cell phone.
* Consider purchasing a family cell plan.

Retail shopping:
* One of my favorite sites is http://www.retailmenot.com/ . Just type in where you are planning to purchase (i.e. Gap, Old Navy, etc.) and they usually have some sort of coupon for you.
* Think about shopping at discount stores like Marshalls, TJ Maxx, or Ross. They often have brand name clothes at a lower cost.
* Look for unique or basic pieces at consignment shops.
* Sell your old clothes on www.ebay.com . Your "junk" is another person's treasure.

Gas:
* Slow down! Every 5 mph you drive above 60 mph adds about 24 cents per gallon (automobiles generally get the best mileage rate at a steady pace).
* Consider using a cash-back credit card specifically for gas. For example, the Discover Open Road card gives 5% back on the first $100 spent on gas each month and the TrueEarnings card from Costco and American Express gives you a 3% rebate on gas.
* If you have that membership to Costco, BJ's Wholesale Club, or Sam's Club you can use their gas stations which often have the lowest rates.
* If not, check out http://www.gasbuddy.com/ to see which station has the best gas price in your neighborhood.

Other random tips:
* Work out at home (and forgo a gym membership cost). You could do dips on a chair, push-ups on the floor, and ab work right in your own home.
* Make your own cleaning supplies. See http://www.thegreenguide.com/ for recipes.
* Buy a subscription to Netflix or Blockbuster instead of going to the movies.
* Bring your own lunch to work.
* Consider cutting your own hair. It sounds funny but it's a nice savings over the long run!

Hope this helps.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I am reading a book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, "The Rules -- Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right," and my girlfriend swears to how effective the advice and the techniques are. And I do not object. I find the book very practical and real--the way it is supposed to be--"the old school way".

But I would like a second opinion. I understand that the rules or advice in self-help books really do not apply to every single human being, situation, and you can not build up your relationship, life based only on a book's advice. However, do you think what Fein and Schneider emphasize about never calling a man first, not returning his phone calls right away, being mysterious and so forth is the real way to captivate the heart of Mr. Right, as all these create a feeling of challenge that is part of men's nature, and an energy men are attracted to?

What to do then if a man shows strong interest in you, and you feel there is a mutual chemistry, but after he got your number he never calls--very illogical. Do we still never call first, and move on? Does it really matter who calls who first?

Many thanks!

Signed,
Rules Rule?


Dear Rules Rule,

[For those who aren't familiar with The Rules, I've provided a link to the Barnes & Noble web page with a good description of the book: http://tinyurl.com/yj8a93m ]

Yes, in my opinion I do believe the authors' perspective offers some merit. But not because it's important for the woman to have a leg up in a relationship (as they suggest) but because if a guy is truly interested in a woman, he'll do the calling, the asking out, etc. So in that sense a woman should just sit back and let the guys do the chasing. The book offers some pretty ridiculous suggestions at times (i.e. make sure to put lipstick on when working out "just in case") but I do agree with the overall theme that men know what they want, they do like a challenge, and women should have confidence and respect themselves.

So to answer your second question that if you and a date have mutual chemistry and he doesn't call, should you call him? Again, I say no. If isn't calling you then I don't think you truly had mutual chemistry. So yes, I am a firm believer that a girl shouldn't call first and that who calls first does matter. You want to know right from the start this guy is interested. No questions, no what-ifs, no "I'm not sure if he really likes me." In other words if he calls you, you know
he's interested. The end. No questions. If you call him, you never really know for sure. So if he hasn't called by now, yes, definitely move on.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
Help! Please tell me how to respond and how to avoid this happening in the future. An old, dearly-loved friend took me and others to dinner at a very fancy restaurant. After we have all made our own selections and the meals were delivered, our hostess asked whether I wanted to taste something on her plate. I declined. Then she asked whether she could taste something on my plate. Even though I said, "No, please don't," she speared a piece of my meat entree with
her personal fork and even passed part of the food from my plate to the guest on her other side, before I noticed what happened. She seemed to think she was justified in doing this because I had made an unusual order, calves liver, which she and her neighbor were curious to taste.

This eat-from-one-trough conduct completely destroys my appetite. What can I do to stop it? While I understand how people can be curious about the taste of rare foods, how can I encourage them to use the time-honored procedure of transferring food onto a third plate before passing it to another diner?

Signed,
A Grouchy Old Lady


Dear Grouchy Old Lady,

You have a right to be grouchy. Who wants people taking food off their plate without permission? I've learned everyone's comfort level is different when it comes to food. I know a guy who will literally let his dog lick from his plate but won't let his father drink from the same glass. So,
it's all relative.

I have a few suggestions depending on your comfort level. The first is the hardest but probably the most effective. When people ask to taste your food, you tell the truth. I would try something like, "You know, I am a little funny about people tasting my food. I don't know if I had a bad experience in a past life but it kind of destroys my appetite. I'm so sorry!"

The second is the honest but joking approach. Basically the truth, sugar-coated. While you are all sitting down to order you could throw out the idea of having a group appetizer. Then you could say something like, "Because tonight I'm hungry and Lord knows I'm not
sharing my [veal, hamburger, steak, etc.]with the group!" Then if people still ask to try your meal you could say something along the lines of: "Betty, I will happily give you my kidney but shucks, when it comes to my food I like to fly solo. It's the one thing I'm really selfish about! I'm sorry, Toots!"

Lastly (and I'll say out loud I'm not a huge fan of fibbing) but sometimes it's the only option, especially for people afraid of confrontation. If someone tries to dig at your grub simply stop them and say, "You know I'm just getting over a cold so it's probably not the best idea. I don't want to get you sick."

Good luck,
Kelli

Awesome iPhone Apps, Grandmas that Shouldn't Be Driving, & More Kids?

Dear Kelli,
I'm not sure this question is relevant but do you have an iPhone and if so what are your favorite apps?

Signed,
Proud Geek


Dear Proud Geek,
I do have an iPhone and this may be a bold statement, but it has seriously changed my life! So yes, I'd love to share my favorite apps. I'm still relatively new to the iPhone scene but here are my picks so far:

For practicality my all time favorite app is Maps. I get lost in a paper bag so this is essential for me! I also just downloaded Epicurious for recipes and shopping lists. So far so good. And I noticed Flixster is really great for finding movies in the area

Socially I dig Facebook to catch up with my friends. And recently I added Twitterific to post my tweets (I like that it's free, hee, hee!)

Finally, for fun nothing beats Scrabble, in my opinion!

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My grandma, God bless her soul, is a very sweet woman. But she's 88 and she
shouldn't be driving. She can hardly see, doesn't remember directions, and
makes teenagers seem like good drivers! But she's so stubborn and insists on
continuing to drive. She says not being able to drive is like "cutting off her
arm." How can I get her to stop driving? I'm very nervous for her and everyone
else on the road!

Signed,
Stay off the Sidewalks


Dear Stay off the Sidewalks,

You know the old saying: "You can't teach an old dog new tricks?" The same principle applies here. Your grandma is set in her ways unfortunately and probably won't change. So my advice is two-fold. First, validate her feelings regarding a loss of independence. I would say something like, "I understand how hard it must be to even think of not driving. I know how much you value your personal freedom and independence and I can completely understand." Second, I
would try and make a compromise with her. It sounds as if she's not willing to give up driving completely so you have to suggest the next best thing. I would say something along the lines of: "I believe it's fair for you to drive in and around your neighborhood. Maybe to the grocery store or to the bank? But further distances why don't I just come and pick you up?" Finally, don't forget to mention how much you love her and you're only suggesting this because you're
honestly concerned.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
We have three kids. For the past year my husband has been begging for another. I'm completely and totally finished. I love my kids but three is more than enough! Who wins?

Signed,
Finished Mom


Dear Finished Mom,

No always wins in my opinion. So in this case that would be you who "wins." To be a parent I believe BOTH individuals must really want to have the child. Sure, you may grow to love another child but from your post it sounds as if you are satisfied with your life as is. Remind your husband how grateful you are for your three kids but that another one will be too much right now. If he still won't give up, tell him you can revisit the subject in a year.

All the best,
Kelli

Gift ideas, Coworker relatioships, & Quitting Smoking

Dear Kelli,
My brother is impossible to get gifts for. Any ideas?

Signed,
No Clue


Dear No Clue,
You left me with no clue! What is your brother like? Is he into sports? If so, why not buy him a ticket to a ballgame? Or is he a foodie? Then how about taking him out to dinner? You can save money on restaurant gift certificates at www.restaurant.com. Or what about a cooking lesson? William Sonoma in Mazza Gallerie has some great cooking classes (http://www.williams-sonoma.com). More the gadget type guy? Then he'd probably love a gift certificate to Best Buy or from Amazon (www.amazon.com). Does he love adventure? You could always look
into a car racing lesson (http://www.1800bepetty.com/experience/driveexp.aspx)
or hang gliding (http://www.aerosports.net/). There is also a great website called Find Gift (http://www.findgift.com/) that helps you find a present based on who the gift is for, the age of the person, interests, etc. I also really like www.redenvelope.com for some unique ideas.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
There is a male in my office who I've had a crush on for the past two years. Should I just suck it up already and ask him out? We actually don't work in the same department so I know our work relationship wouldn't be affected.

Signed,
No Longer a Chicken


Dear No Longer a Chicken,
Absolutely not. I say this not because you work together or because I'm mean and don't want you to go out with a cute guy. It's because if this guy hasn't ask you out yet he probably isn't interested. I don't mean to be harsh but it's true. (And no, he's not too shy, too busy with work, or doesn't know who you are).

Yes, I'm old fashioned but I also know that if a guy is really interested he'll do the asking. So move on from this one because there will be another one (sweaty palms and all) willing to ask you out in no time.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm so pleased with myself that I quit smoking (23 years!) The problem is that I've noticed I've gained an obscene of weight as a result. What can I do?

Signed,
Bye Bye Cigarettes


Dear Bye Bye Cigarettes,
Congratulations! I'm very proud of you that you quit smoking. I understand how hard it must have been and how difficult it is to continue the process. So I applaud your efforts and support you 100%.

I'd like you to think about why you started smoking in the first place. Most smokers claim it was to relieve stress. So most likely you picked up a habit that soothed you. Right now, food is doing that same thing for you because smoking is no longer an option. The problem with addiction is that once you stop that certain behavior (smoking, drinking, shopping, etc), it usually
replaced by something else. The trick is to replace that habit with something healthy. So make a list of things that you can do to soothe you that aren't detrimental. For example, taking a walk, making a phone call, taking a bubble bath, etc.

Of course it will help you to exercise and eat healthy foods (fruits, vegetables, healthy fats, lean meats, etc.) But I'm thinking it's really not about the food —- it's the fact you need something to help you when difficult situations arise. A support group is great for this (or even a good friend).

It takes a lot of getting used to replacing old behaviors with new ones. So be gentle with yourself. It might also help to keep a written list of why you stopped smoking in the first place so you can continue to stay smoke-free.

All the best,
Kelli

Where to Date Online, Junky Food, & A Pet Passing

Dear Kelli,
I'm a Jewish 27-year-old female vegetarian looking to meet a nice man. I'm done with the bar scene and finally ready to try online dating. What sites do you recommend?

Signed,
Cyber Dater


Dear Cyber Dater,
Congratulations on making the move to date online. I'm partial to online dating only because that's where I met my husband! So you really never know...
Depending on your personality there are tons of online dating services. The most popular sites right now seem to be: www.match.com, www.eharmony.com, and www.plentyoffish.com. But you can always go to more specific sites depending on your priorities. For example, if you are exclusively dating Jewish men there is always www.jdate.com. And if you only want to date vegetarians you could try
www.veggiefishing.com. Want something a little different all together? You may want to try The Onion's personals: http://personals.theonion.com/, www.speeddate.com, and www.crazyblinddate.com

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I try and keep my house fairly healthy for my kids. I don't buy many sweets, chips, or sugar cereals. In fact, I'm pretty neurotic with my own diet. I'm worried because whenever my son goes to his friends' houses (once or twice a week) he goes hog wild with their junky food. He tells me how excited he is that he got to eat donuts, lollypops, and soda. I know I can't control what
other people buy but I'm nervous that he is eating all this "bad" food. What can I do?

Signed,
No Sweet Tooth

Dear No Sweet Tooth,
You're right: you can't control what other families buy. But here is my take: if your son is eating relatively healthy 80% of the time (which it sounds like), he's doing pretty well. The little junk food he's eating isn't going to hurt him. In fact, they say it's good to splurge every once in awhile.

Now I'd take a look at your part. You say you are "neurotic" with your own diet. Are you projecting your fears about unhealthy foods onto your son? You may just want to watch how you react when he does eat junk food. A lot of eating disorders develop in kids in part from their parents. And I'm nervous the more you "fear" him into eating only healthy foods the more he may rebel and go "hog wild" when he goes to his friends' houses. So I would just try and have
a balance. Maybe go food shopping with your son and have him pick out one or two treats for the week? This way he won't feel deprived and binge when he is out at other friends' houses.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My 14-year-old female Maltese just passed a week ago. But I still can't move on. I'm so depressed and upset. And I hate how everyone keeps saying, "It's only a dog!" Suggestions?

Signed,
Missy RIP

Dear Missy RIP,
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are talking to a dog lover herself so I get it. You say you "still" can't move on. It has only been a week! Grieving any loss takes time. And it's all individual too. Some people need a few days, while others need months. So please don't rush yourself to move on when you aren't ready. You take the time you need and be aware it may take more time than you think. Again, that's okay. You lived with this "family member" for 14 years. It's unrealistic to think you can just get over her passing in a week's time.

The truth is: people who aren't pet lovers may not understand the bond people humans and dogs. Unfortunately you just have to ignore the "It's only a dog!" comments. Justifying why you feel the way you do may get you more upset. So chose to not discuss your grieving with these people. If you feel the need to say anything just say something along the lines of: "Missy was part of my family and it's difficult when a family member passes. I'd really appreciate your
support during this time."

A great book to help you in the meantime is: Cold Noses: At The Pearly Gates by Gary Kurz.

All the best,
Kelli

Inappropriate Facebook Posts, Godmothers, & Peeking in People's Medicine Cabinets

Dear Kelli,
I have a friend who comments all the time about my posts on Facebook, and who says inappropriate things like, "that other picture of you looked so much better." I don't want to block my friend from seeing or commenting on my posts and pictures, but this really irks me. What do you suggest?

Signed,
Friend Is a Facebook Hog

Dear Friend Is a Facebook Hog,
Honesty! That's what I suggest. The simple truth always works for me. You have to let this "friend" know how you feel. She can't argue with your feelings. You have a right to feel them and a right to express them. But remember it's helpful to use "I" statements so your friend doesn't get defensive. For example: "I feel embarrassed and a little self-conscious when you make
inappropriate comments about my Facebook pictures and posts." If your friend still continues to post additional inappropriate comments it's time to de-friend her. She'll get the picture (no pun intended).

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My sister just recently had her first child. She wants me to be the godmother. I already have 3 kids of my own and really don't want the responsibility. Am I obligated to say yes?

Signed,
No More Fairy Godmother

Dear No More Fairy Godmother,
No, you are absolutely not obligated to say yes. In fact, saying yes if you know you can't handle the job is irresponsible on your part. I'm sure your sister wants someone who not only wants the job but who can truly take it on! It's understandable you have too much on your plate right now with 3 kids of your own and again I think honesty is the way to go here. Your sister will
appreciate your candor. Perhaps you could help her brainstorm other godmothers who could do the job?

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
When I go to somebody's house and use the bathroom, I peek into their medicine cabinet. I know it's wrong, but they probably expect that guests will look, so how wrong can it be?

Signed,
Peek-a-Boo

Dear Peek-a-Boo,
I'm not sure people expect guests to look in their cabinets but I'm sure they know it is a possibility. Does that mean it is right for guests to look there? No. Is it a big deal? In my opinion, not really. But I think the question lies more on your end. Why do you feel the need to look in other people's cabinets? Are you generally curious and why? Are you trying to get validated
knowing others take the same or different medication? I think these questions will bring some clarity (and possible closure) on why you feel the need to peek.

All the best,
Kelli

Family Drama, Phone Sex Grounds for Divorce? & Friendship Boundaries

Dear Kelli-
I have not felt close with my step-siblings for many years. A few years ago, their father passed away, so we are no longer technically related. A few weeks ago, my step-brother, his wife and their child moved to the area from the Midwest, where we all used to live. There are no other relatives in the DC area. They did not contact me to let me know they were going to move here or to let me know they had moved or to give me their information -- my mother passed all of this information to me. She believes we are all still one big happy family. What is generally considered the appropriate thing to do? Do I contactthem or let them contact me? And why bother...?

Signed,
Not Really One Big Happy Family


Dear Not Really One Big Happy Family,
It's interesting: I think on the one hand you want to write your "family" off. As you say, "why bother?" On the other hand, I think there is a part of you that really does care. I mean, would you really write to me for advice if you honestly didn't care? My guess is that deep down there is a piece of you that wants to do the kind and appropriate thing. And to me that is being the bigger
person, contacting with your step-family, and wishing them a happy move-in (and if you really want brownie points: inviting them over for dinner). Yes, it's difficult. Yes, they aren't your favorite people in the world. But you're doing the right thing. Keeping your side of the street clean as they say. And you'll feel better. Wouldn't you want them to do the same for you?

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband and I have been married 40 years. It's a pretty sorry relationship and although we're mostly pleasant with one another and occasionally enjoy a laugh together, there hasn't been a physical relationship for over 10 years. Recently he has begun to have phone sex with a young friend from out west. I had noticed changes in him, overheard a few things, and happened on his sent emails, which confirmed it along with mutual statements of love and lust. I was away for the weekend and now see that things have progress to his having long conversations with her while I am in earshot. He's following her pot roast recipe, talking about taking his sweaters to the cleaners--all friendly and chatty.

I am not really upset about his falling in love. We all deserve to have love in our lives and it is not going to happen with us again in our long problematic relationship.

I am upset that this is now intolerable and I'm going to have to confront him, make housing and financial decisions, and families on both sides will get tossed around emotionally.

I am also concerned that the 35 year old, quite beautiful and sexy grandmother will get tired of him and we'll then be blown apart for nothing.

At 66, I would be OK with living on my own, I have friends and lots of interests. I would hate to lose our little retirement house and I would hate for him to move and leave children and grandchildren without him. Money would, of course, be more of a problem.

I don't think I have any right to ask him to stop, nor would he be likely to.

Do you have any idea what steps to recommend? I'm heading for the library to study up but am hoping for some sage advice as well. Is phone sex/love enough grounds for divorce in DC?

Signed,
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
There is no question divorce is extremely difficult. I believe the first step you have to take if you are going to go through with this is simply accepting the fact this is not going to be easy.

It sounds like you're trying to weigh whether you should continue living with your spouse who is emotionally (and possibly physically) cheating on you or divorcing him and dealing with some logistical complexities.

From what you wrote I get the sense you can't live with the situation anymore (obviously totally understandable). My guess is that you are mainly nervous about the big steps that lie ahead, not whether or not you're making a mistake by leaving him. What you have to remember is that the logistical complexities won't last forever. Yes, they will be tough and frustrating for awhile but then it will get easier. And you're okay with the hardest part: living on your own.

I believe an important question to ask yourself is: Is my self-worth more important than dealing with some (temporary) rearrangements?

As for the fear that your husband's phone-sex mistress will get tired of him -- well, frankly that is not your problem. You have more important things to worry about, like what night you are going out with your friends, when you are getting your next massage, and so on. Take this time for you; you deserve it. And don't worry about her. You can't do anything about their situation anyway.

Unfortunately I don't know the laws in DC regarding divorce and phone sex. I would suggest hiring a good divorce lawyer who can tell you more specifics.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I need advice on how to handle a difficult situation. My two best friends never married each other but have a wonderful child together. They have decided that they should live as far apart from one another and are no longer on positive terms with each other. I have told them both that they should try to sort their issues out without going through lawyers. I also told them that I would not repeat my advice/position and that I would stay neutral since I am in no position to take sides. They continue to share with me their messages with one another on what they plan to do against each other. I really do not want to get involved and caught in the middle since they ignored my plea and are now escalating this to legal litigation. I also hope to never to receive a subpoena as this would tear our friendship apart. On the other hand, they are very close friends of mine and they need my support. Any advice you can give on the best way to handle this?

Signed,
A Friend Who Wants to Help


Dear Friend Who Wants to Help,
You need to reestablish your boundaries with both of your friends. As much as you don't realize it, you are in control here. You need to state firmly to each of them: "I love and support you but I cannot be put in the middle of this. If you value our friendship you will respect my wishes and not discuss any part of the divorce with me." If nothing changes then you have to question the
friendship you have in the first place. Friends respect each other's boundaries.

All the best,
Kelli

Calling Men First, Asserting Opinions, & Skin Conditions

Dear Kelli,
I am a single woman who wants to meet a man to have a long-term relationship that will eventually turn into a marriage. I am attending a various singles events, and usually in some of them after the event women can contact men and men can contact women, via organizer's email system. So, after an event this past 1.5 weeks ago I have met someone that I felt a connection and a chemistry, but he has not contacted me first, so I did, taking into consideration that the
option of emailing will expire within 4 days, and I liked him.

So even after hesitating to contact a guy first, I did. He responded saying that it was great meeting me too, and meeting up for drinks will be good, but he will be extremely crazy busy with work, why don't me get in touch in a week to see if we settle on a date ( as a calendar date) It has been 1.5 weeks and I have not heard from him. I honestly do not feel comfortable emailing him again, even I like him. All my female friends tell me not to contact him, as seems that he is
not interested enough to make an effort to make time to see me. My male guy friend tells me, what a big deal contact him, as men are very insecure, and he got "cold feet". So I do not know what to do. Maybe this is not working out for me contacting men first. I feel confused, and do not want to feel or sound desperate, but may be I am and need to work on it....

Signed,
Single Gal


Dear Single Gal,
Okay, I'm going to be frank here only because I think this will save you time and trouble for the future. A guy will most always call a girl if he is interested. There is no cold feet, no I'm too busy at work, no insecurity issue, no pot belly pig dying excuse, etc. You get the picture. If a guy likes
you, he calls. Now, the only caveat to this whole paragraph is if after meeting him he gets run over by a bus.

Now I'm being funny but in all seriousness I would let this one go. To me, I think it's always best to start off a relationship without any questions ("Should I call him?" "Does he really like me if I called first?") The beginning should always be smooth sailing.

I hear you about feeling desperate. But sometimes men can smell that desperation a mile away (and run very far in the opposite direction). So maybe take a little time off from dating for now and do something for you (i.e. music class, girls get away weekend to the spa, finally taking that psychology course, etc.). Sometimes concentrating on you helps take away the focus of "Why haven't I met the one yet?"

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
When I was at Best Buy over the weekend, I overheard a sales clerk trying to sell a customer an extended warranty for a TV. Extended warranties for televisions are such a waste, in part because TVs almost never break. Should I have warned the other customer not to waste his money on that extended warranty?

Signed,
Here to Help

Dear Here to Help,
I think it is really kind you want to help/warn others. But I say no for four reasons. #1) The customer didn't ask for your opinion. It would one thing if he/she were looking for advice but it's another to give it unsolicited. As they say, "if I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it." #2) People need to learn things by themselves. This customer may see after this experience whether or not it was worth the extra money. But they have to find it out for themselves. I'm a strong believer in learning from your own experiences, rather than listening to others first without trying. #3) What if by some random chance this customer's TV did break? He/she would regret not buying the TV and ultimately end up blaming the schmuck in the store who told him/her not to do it. #4) Finally, some people would rather be safe than sorry. So even if there
is a non-zero chance the TV would break that person would rather have that security. Make sense?

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a skin condition that causes red patches to appear on my forehead. People often ask about that, but I'd rather not talk about it. What should I say? I can't just change the subject without responding, but I really don't want to get into a conversation about my (sometimes embarrassing) medical condition.

Signed,
Masked


Dear Masked,
I can imagine it must be very frustrating to constantly answer the same question over and over again, especially one that is embarrassing. I don't blame you. But let's think about it from a stranger's point of view. These strangers (or people really) see something uncommon and its human nature to be curious about it. Even though it feels personal it's really not. You can't tell me when you see something different, someone with only one arm for example, you can't help
but take a second look, or wonder what happened to them. So I think its people not purposely being rude but rather being human.

Another alternative perspective is that you have someone genuinely interested in knowing about you. Sure, it may not be for what you want but it's a great conversation starter. So I see two ways of handling it: 1) Gently saying you have a medical condition and then immediately asking that person a question about them. Turning the focus back on them. If the person persists about your condition simply say, "I'd rather not to discuss it if that's okay. But I'd love to talk about X,Y, and Z." Usually that is enough for people to back off. 2) You can make a joke out of the situation. You could say something like: "Yeah, I wish I could tell you it was a horrible sunburn from my two- week vacation in Bermuda but it's really just a medical condition." They will laugh
and that will be the end of it.

Good luck,
Kelli

Accepting a Gay Son, Divorcee Wants to Get it On, & Managing Mornings with Kids

Dear Kelli,
I am a gay teen. I have come out to everyone in my life and found support from friends, teachers, and my extended family. The only people who seem to be struggling with my sexual orientation are my parents. I know that "coming out"can come as a shock to many people, and can seem problematic to parents who don't know many gay people themselves, but I come from parents who always promised to love me unconditionally, yet it seems at times, lately, they are going back on their word. I don't try to rub my homosexuality in their faces or be "overly-flamboyant", but I want to have an honest and open relationship with them. How do I be true to myself while keeping peace in the house, especially if my parents are not comfortable/pleased with my orientation?

Signed,
Looking For Peace

Dear Looking For Peace,
The first thing I want to share with you is that you are definitely not alone! Most gay, bisexual, and transgender teens talk about the lack of support from their parents. It's not an easy situation and sometimes takes some time before parents really "accept" their kids' sexuality.

The great news? You actually sound very comfortable in your own skin. I want to applaud you for feeling confident aside from the reaction of your parents. It's very easy to let their responses, judgments, opinions get you down. So good for you!

I would pick a good time to sit down and speak with your parents. First explain that you want to have an open conversation about your sexuality. You would like share your point of view and to hear theirs too. Now depending on what you feel comfortable talking about, you might want to mention that homosexuality is not a choice and that it is not something you can control. A lot of parents don't understand this. You might want to talk about the difficulties you had to
encounter being gay: whether it be at school, work, with friends, etc. Next, I would tell them exactly what you told me: you would like to have an honest and open relationship with them. Explain why you feel confused when they say they "love you unconditionally" but then aren't exactly following up on it. It is best to use a lot of "I" statements rather than "You" statements so no one gets defensive. For example, "I feel this way…" rather than "You aren't supporting
me!" Next, I would have some information handy. There is a great book called Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk About Their Experiences by Carolyn Welch Griffin and Marian J. Wirth. This might be a nice way for your parents to hear from other parents of lesbian and gay teens. It may validate their own feelings and concerns. There is also PFLAG-- Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). PFLAG offers support groups and education that might be very helpful in this case. Their website is www.pflag.org and
their phone number is: (202) 467-8180. They are located at: 1726 M Street, NW Suite 400 Washington, DC 20036. Finally, and if you still can't see eye to eye on things, I would definitely suggest family counseling.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I got divorced about six months ago and I'm finally back on the dating circuit. The problem is I'm terrified to get intimate again. I recently met a great guy and we've been dating about four weeks. We're not exclusive but it seems like its going that way. When do you think is the right time to have sex?

Signed,
Scared of Sex

Dear Scared of Sex,
The truth is, Scared: no one can tell when the "right" time is. Only you and your intuition will know! Some questions to ask yourself that might help: Do you feel comfortable with this man? Do you trust him? Do you want to wait to have sex until you are exclusive? Do you see a future with this man? (from your question it sounds that way). Finally, can you be assured he is free of
sexually transmitted diseases?

I would encourage you to have a conversation with this man about all these things. I know it's not exactly comfortable. But the thing is: if you are going to be sleeping with this man you should feel comfortable—-whether that is through oral communication or getting down and dirty in the sheets! Tell him your situation. See whether he is understanding and empathetic or impatient and awkward. That should shed some light on how you want to make your decision. When you do decide to have sex, just a reminder to use adequate protection(sorry I'm not only a therapist but a Jewish mom too!). I certainly don't want another type of question a few months from now…
All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
Mornings always seem like the biggest struggle with my 7-year-old and 5-year-old. It's like a 3-ring circus in my kitchen! How can I make them more manageable? I'm always late to work!

Signed,
Not a Morning Person

Dear Not a Morning Person,
This is definitely a concern to moms all over the world. Mornings can certainly
be crazy even without kids! So here are a few of my suggestions:

The night before:
•Pre-pack both kids' lunches. String cheese, cherry tomatoes, pretzels, grapes, already cut up carrots, yogurts, and string cheese are all healthy and quick items to throw in a bag.
•Pre-make breakfast. Even if it is just cereal already put in a bowl (and the next morning you just pour the milk) that will still save you an extra minute. If you are feeling fancy you can make a quick breakfast burrito (whole wheat wrap, scrambled eggs, veggies, and cheese) and roll those up in tinfoil ready to go the next morning. Or you can always boil eggs that night to grab before you head out the door in the morning. [If you don't have time the night before,
quick breakfast ideas are instant oatmeal, whole grain breakfast bars, precooked sausage links or veggie sausage links, and fruit].
•Put out the kids' clothes for the next day. Have the kids choose what they want to wear so they will have more incentive to put it on in the morning!
•Make sure the kids' backpacks are ready to go. Empty out the previous days' letters and artwork and put in what is needed for the next day. Place backpacks by the door so no one forgets theirs.

The morning of:
•Wake up earlier. At least you'll be ready to go even if it takes the kids a few extra minutes. Oh, and you may be able to actually eat something!
•Establish rules. Whether that be no cartoons unless beds are made or no iPod until your kid is ready to go, boundaries always help!

Good luck,
Kelli

Lonely in the City & Should You Date Your Neighbor?

Dear Kelli,
I'm lonesome for the first time in my life. My kids are grown and live far away and my finances are limited. I work full time and am busy but would like to have a bit more fun. I'm looking to find some new people in my life. Suggestions? Groups you know of? I like to walk and play tennis, food, wine, fine art and craft and I live in the DC area.

Signed,
Lonely in Cleveland Park

Dear Lonely,
First of all, I congratulate you on noticing your discomfort and wanting to make a positive change around it! I think it completely understandable you'd want to add some more action into your life considering your kids are gone and you're busy with work. It's extremely important to have outside interests with others. Not only will it keep you balanced but studies have shown social interaction leads to a longer, healthier life.

My first suggestion would be to sign up at www.meetup.com Meetup.com is a website designed to get groups of like-minded people who similar interests together. I've looked for you and found a group for all the interests you described: walking, tennis, food, wine, fine art, and craft. The best news? All of these groups are within a few miles of Washington, DC. Second, I would go to your local tennis courts and/or community center and put up a posting for finding a tennis partner or walking buddy. Third, spread the word to everyone you know about your interests. Tell neighbors, friends, landlords, etc. Who knows who can connect you to people who are looking for the same things as you. Maybe your neighbor just heard about someone wanting to throw a potluck dinner and could put you two in touch? Or what if you told your cousin about a wine
tasting you wanted to attend and she heard of a few people going? You never know the connections that could take place. Fourth, to satisfy that Martha Stewart side of you, Michael's (the craft store) has excellent classes where you can meet people and participate in all sorts of art activities. You can find out more information here: http://www.michaels.com . Finally, why not hold a get together at your place? Invite friends that you know and request that they
bring a friend you haven't met. You get the best of both worlds: friends you already know and the chance to meet others you don't.

Good luck!

All the Best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and my neighbor's recently divorced. Recently I've become attracted to her. I'm not sure that she's marrying potential, but I'd like to date her, and, well, be intimate with her. I'm worried, however, that if and when (and probably when) we break up, it will cause bad neighbor relations. Any advice?
Signed,
Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,
Oh boy. You've already started with "when we break up?" Never a good sign, my friend. It sounds like you don't want to date this neighbor, you want to, well, let's just say, mow her lawn. If you know she isn't marriage potential, why risk that awkwardness when it's over? Every time you get your mail you'll have to wonder if you'll run into her. Not fun. The truth is: you can always mow anyone's lawn, if you catch my drift, with no strings attached. So don't risk
it with this neighbor. Let the grass be greener on the other side.

All the best,
Kelli