Ask Kelli: Kids or No Kids, Lonely in the Ciy, Gossip, &

Dear Kelli,
I'm debating on whether or not my husband and I should have kids. I'm curious about your opinion.

Signed,
Mommy to Be?


Dear Mommy to Be?,
I'm assuming you and your husband had an in-depth discussion on this issue, right? Since this is a very big decision, that would be the first direction I'd lead you in. So I'm going to assume you've talked it over and just want a different (possibly objective) point of view. I'll try my best given I have an almost 8 month old son.

As cliché as it sounds, having a kid completely changes your life. Forget better or worse—-it's just after you have a kid your life isn't your own. Time management takes a lot of getting used to! And of course finances need to be taken into account as children don't come cheap (of course there are the basics diapers, crib, car seat, toys, etc. but some moms also have to factor in a nanny or daycare if they are working). Finally, having a child can be tiring. You'll have many a sleepless nights with feeding and crying. And so I heard once again when your teen starts driving.

Given all that, having a kid is the absolute greatest thing in the world. There is no love you feel like the love for your child. Yes, it's hard not having your own time, yes it's expensive, yes you're exhausted. But let me just tell you, when my son looks up at me and smiles, it trumps just about everything else. It has been simply amazing to experience all the different milestones with my child. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

My husband and I also debated this issue. We were big travelers and we weren't sure a child would enable us to explore. Sure, we don't travel as much, but having a child is an adventure. We're exploring in a different sense.

It's a difficult decision, I understand. But I believe more women regret not having a child then ever having one.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I was talking badly to a friend of mine about another friend of ours. Little did I know the friend I was gossiping about was two feet behind me. She heard everything! I'm mortified and of course now she won't talk to me. I understand why, but what can I do to repair our friendship?

Signed,
Not a Great Friend


Dear Not a Great Friend,
I'm glad you can see why your friend is upset. This will make your apology much more sincere. So with that being said I'd take the following steps:

1) Apologize with a handwritten note. This shows you are taking the time to think about what you've done. I believe a handwritten apology is a much classier way to show your remorse than an email or a phone call. (And of course don't apologize in a text!)

2) Own up to your behavior. Admit what you did wasn't right. Sometimes the person just has to hear your taking accountability for your action.

3) Give your friend some time. Often times distance is the best way for someone to forgive. You can say something like, "I understand you may need some time. I'll respect your space but know I'm always here when you are ready to talk."

4) Expect things to be different. Maybe not forever but at least for a little while. So have some patience and understanding.

5) Use this experience as a lesson learned. Look, we're not all saints (and let's be honest, we all gossip to a certain extent). But take this situation and figure out what you can learn from it. Perhaps you are better off confronting friends about what's bothering you than talking about it behind their backs with someone else. You can even mention this to your friend. "I realized now I should have talked directly to you about what I was upset about. This is a really great lesson for me to learn."

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and very, very lonely. I've read your other posts about taking classes, so I just signed up for two: a cooking class and a photographer class. And I've signed up for two dating websites. Anything else I can do? I just feel so isolated.

Signed,
Single in the City


Dear Single in the City,
I'm proud you've taken the steps I've suggested so far. I believe once you start your classes you'll feel more a part of things. In the meantime? Why don't you initiate your own singles support group? A support group will make you feel less alone, normalize and validate your feelings, and give you a chance to meet other single girls (wing woman, anyone?). Plus, if anything it will give you something to do, keep your mind off feeling lonely, and empower you in more ways than you think. The best part? You can decide on all the options. I'll make it easy for you and outline how to start:

1) Define your target audience. Okay, it's obvious you're targeting other singles but be what else? How about gender? Do you want this group too be women or men in the group too? What age group? Are you cool with college peeps and old grandpas? Specify. And where do you want your people from? Just your part of the city or are you okay with everywhere in the MD/DC/VA area?

2) Define the group's purpose. Is this group merely about connecting with other single women? Or is to meet other single males too? Are you looking to establish a group of girls to go out with just at night? Do you want a single's group that plays sports? Goes to the movies? You get my drift.

3) Publicize it. Here's where your marketing skills will come in handy.

A) Word of mouth. This is the best way in my opinion. Tell everyone you know singles and non-singles included) that you're starting a group. Ask them to spread the word too.

B) Send out a mass email. Same deal: tell people you're starting a singles group. Ask if they know anyone or would want to join. You'd be amazed how many singles will come out of the woodwork.

C) Design a simple flyer. Stick that sucker at the gym, grocery store, and library. If you don't know details yet, just include your name, phone number, and email address. Mention you're open to any ideas people have.

D) Utilize the internet. Meetups.com and Yahoo!Groups are both great way to publicize your event. And of course this listserv is great too. You can look for other venues similar to these as well.

4) Establish a first meeting

A) Pick an open forum. This is of course for safety reasons. Restaurants, the mall, a park, etc., are all good spots. Or you can call your local library. They usually offer study or community rooms for no fee (you just have to book it in advance).

B) Keep the meeting open to member's ideas. Ask questions to the group and see what they want to get out of it.

C) Establish a board and make people accountable. Accountability helps hold the group together because everyone has a specific task to do. Design a committee. Vote on a president (oversees how the group is running), social committee chairperson (in charge of the social events), treasurer (takes care of member funds if necessary), and secretary (keeps note and track of what was covered at the meeting)

D) Discuss rules. Is there a fee to join the group? How often do you want to meet? What days and times? Is alcohol allowed? If one member in the group dates another and it ends poorly do you want to establish a no stalking or harassing rule?

E) Create the next meeting. This way you're scheduling it while everyone is there.

This should certainly keep you busy!

Good luck,
Kelli

Lonely in the City & Should You Date Your Neighbor?

Dear Kelli,
I'm lonesome for the first time in my life. My kids are grown and live far away and my finances are limited. I work full time and am busy but would like to have a bit more fun. I'm looking to find some new people in my life. Suggestions? Groups you know of? I like to walk and play tennis, food, wine, fine art and craft and I live in the DC area.

Signed,
Lonely in Cleveland Park

Dear Lonely,
First of all, I congratulate you on noticing your discomfort and wanting to make a positive change around it! I think it completely understandable you'd want to add some more action into your life considering your kids are gone and you're busy with work. It's extremely important to have outside interests with others. Not only will it keep you balanced but studies have shown social interaction leads to a longer, healthier life.

My first suggestion would be to sign up at www.meetup.com Meetup.com is a website designed to get groups of like-minded people who similar interests together. I've looked for you and found a group for all the interests you described: walking, tennis, food, wine, fine art, and craft. The best news? All of these groups are within a few miles of Washington, DC. Second, I would go to your local tennis courts and/or community center and put up a posting for finding a tennis partner or walking buddy. Third, spread the word to everyone you know about your interests. Tell neighbors, friends, landlords, etc. Who knows who can connect you to people who are looking for the same things as you. Maybe your neighbor just heard about someone wanting to throw a potluck dinner and could put you two in touch? Or what if you told your cousin about a wine
tasting you wanted to attend and she heard of a few people going? You never know the connections that could take place. Fourth, to satisfy that Martha Stewart side of you, Michael's (the craft store) has excellent classes where you can meet people and participate in all sorts of art activities. You can find out more information here: http://www.michaels.com . Finally, why not hold a get together at your place? Invite friends that you know and request that they
bring a friend you haven't met. You get the best of both worlds: friends you already know and the chance to meet others you don't.

Good luck!

All the Best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and my neighbor's recently divorced. Recently I've become attracted to her. I'm not sure that she's marrying potential, but I'd like to date her, and, well, be intimate with her. I'm worried, however, that if and when (and probably when) we break up, it will cause bad neighbor relations. Any advice?
Signed,
Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,
Oh boy. You've already started with "when we break up?" Never a good sign, my friend. It sounds like you don't want to date this neighbor, you want to, well, let's just say, mow her lawn. If you know she isn't marriage potential, why risk that awkwardness when it's over? Every time you get your mail you'll have to wonder if you'll run into her. Not fun. The truth is: you can always mow anyone's lawn, if you catch my drift, with no strings attached. So don't risk
it with this neighbor. Let the grass be greener on the other side.

All the best,
Kelli