Dear Kelli,
I've gained some weight over the past year, around 30 pounds. I understand it's noticeable but why do people -- my relatives in particular -- keep saying things to me about it? It's so uncomfortable and shameful. I honestly don't know what to do about the comments. Do I acknowledge them? Ignore them? Not go to any more holiday functions?
Signed,
Self-Conscious about My Weight
Dear Self-Conscious,
You have every right to feel upset about your relatives' comments. It is hurtful when someone makes a comment about you, but especially hard when it's already something you feel self-conscious about!
Try not to make too much of your relatives' comments. If you dyed your hair green, your relatives would notice and would probably say something. So you have to be honest with yourself and realize you do look different. Most likely your relatives are acknowledging your new look, but no matter what, realize they still love you. Weight is definitely a sensitive issue and some people don't realize that even neutral observations like, "You've gained weight" can be construed as negative and hurtful.
You can't change people nor control what they say but you can control your attitude about it. So in the future, you have a few options. First, you can acknowledge the comments and move on. "Yes, I know. I've gained some weight. But tell me about you. How have you been?" Second, you can let people know that you consider the topic off-limits. "You know, that's a sore subject at the moment. It's not something you can ask me about. But I'd love for you to ask me about the new promotion I got at work (or ask my opinion about the hot new movie I just saw)." Third, make a joke about it. "Yup, gained some weight. But hey, I still have a great personality."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm not into movies, TV, radio, but maybe just a little bit of the internet. What I really like are books. I know I'm not the norm, but how do I fit in with mainstream when everyone else is about texting, twittering, watching movies, and TV?
Signed,
More of a Bookworm
Dear Bookworm,
Don't try to fit in: Be proud of who you are. So why not create circles around what you're interested in? It sounds like a book club would be right up your alley. Or see if your local library has some new events. There is also a National Book Festival in DC held once a year that you might really enjoy. Click here for all the information.
It's okay you are different than the norm. People love you as you are, not as
someone who wants to fit in.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm engaged and getting married in a year. The issue is that I'm not sure this is the man for me. I know, it sounds crazy considering that I'm engaged. But I think I'm worried I won't find anyone else. You've seen the dating pool in this area! My guy definitely has some great qualities but there is also a lot we need to work on. I don't think he treats me as well as I deserve. Do I go through with it? Or is this just a typical case of cold feet?
Signed,
Ghost Bride
Dear Ghost Bride,
Whoa! Slow down. There is a lot going on here and I definitely wouldn't dismiss it as "cold feet." The first thing that caught my attention was "I'm not sure this is the man for me." Women have amazing intuition. I believe your body is trying to tell you something. If this was really the man for you, you wouldn't have this type of doubt. Second, you mentioned you are worried you won't find anyone else. That is absolutely not a reason to get married. I understand you're fearful you won't find someone else but getting married to the wrong person will create other worries that will be a whole lot worse! Third, you said he doesn't treat you right. Forget marriage: Why on earth would you even date a guy who isn't treating you the way you deserve? Marriage isn't going to change how your man treats you; if you keep in mind that people are usually on their best behavior while dating. I highly encourage you not to go through with this
marriage. If you are really adamant, however, I would strongly suggest seeking couples counseling.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
People Don't Like You, Regifting, & Langauge Confusion
Dear Kelli,
I don't know if I'm crazy or not but it seems that everyone ignores me. I walk into a room, they walk out. I talk, they interrupt, or end the conversation. Is it possible people don't like me?
Signed,
Ignored and Hurt
Dear Ignored and Hurt,
Is it possible some people don't like you? Yes. Not everyone likes everyone. But is it also possible you might be too close to the situation to look at it objectively?
It's hard to help you without knowing more details. So let me give you some questions to ponder: Are these people you feel ignored by in one particular place (such as work)? Are you talking to people when it's a difficult time (such as during deadlines, in the bathroom, etc.)?
I'd like you to look deeper at this issue. Because it might not be about everyone else. It might be about you—and what you are imagining. If that's the case, you need to start thinking more positively about yourself. Let me ask you: If you really were okay with you, would you be as concerned if someone didn't like you? No, because you'd know you're great, right? So again, if the issue is about you and how you value yourself, I'd concentrate on improving your self-esteem. You can start with some affirmations ("I'm great the way I am"), writing a list of what you like about yourself, and/or volunteering. Or you can read some of my past blogs for more tips.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli
Thoughts on re-gifting?
Signed,
`Tis the Season to Re-gift?
Dear `Tis the Season to Re-gift?
I'm actually okay with re-gifting. Now before you start pulling out sweaters from 1970, let me clarify. If the gift is in good condition and relatively recent, I think it's fine. If you think that person would appreciate it more than you would, go for it. You know the saying: One person's junk is another's treasure. Just be careful not to re-gift an old friend's gift back to the same friend.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I love my babysitter but her English is horrendous. She's from another country and I'm just not sure she's understanding me or is getting what I need from her. Here's the kicker, though: She's great with my son. He hasn't connected with anyone else like that since he met her. Do I hire someone else to ease my anxiety about her understanding what I need? Or do I keep her because she's great with my son?
Signed,
Language of Confusion
Dear Language of Confusion,
I totally hear you on both fronts. On the one hand, you want to feel secure that she's understanding what you need from you or your son. On the other hand, she's great with your son and that's not always easy to find.
I have a few thoughts. If you don't know her native language, find it out. What if you translate the more important things (i.e. "Here are the emergency numbers," "Feed my son at this time," etc.) in her language? You can find a free translator company online. You can also print your needs for that day from the free translator. (Now this is assuming it's a widely spoken language. For an uncommon language you may have to pay for a translation system online or find someone to help you.)
Repeat what you say in a different way: "Dinner is at 5 pm. 5 pm is dinner." The babysitter may understand one version better than the other.
Additionally, ask her to repeat back to you. "Anna, what time was dinner?" to see if she understands.
Start interviewing other people and see how your son reacts to them. You may find he attaches himself just as easily to someone else. And you can have both: a babysitter who you're sure understands you well and connects well with your son.
I'm not sure how long you've had your sitter but I'd give it a few weeks and see how you feel. If you feel that the situation isn't improving with the suggestions I've made and you're still feeling uncomfortable, I'd try and find someone else.
Good luck,
Kelli
I don't know if I'm crazy or not but it seems that everyone ignores me. I walk into a room, they walk out. I talk, they interrupt, or end the conversation. Is it possible people don't like me?
Signed,
Ignored and Hurt
Dear Ignored and Hurt,
Is it possible some people don't like you? Yes. Not everyone likes everyone. But is it also possible you might be too close to the situation to look at it objectively?
It's hard to help you without knowing more details. So let me give you some questions to ponder: Are these people you feel ignored by in one particular place (such as work)? Are you talking to people when it's a difficult time (such as during deadlines, in the bathroom, etc.)?
I'd like you to look deeper at this issue. Because it might not be about everyone else. It might be about you—and what you are imagining. If that's the case, you need to start thinking more positively about yourself. Let me ask you: If you really were okay with you, would you be as concerned if someone didn't like you? No, because you'd know you're great, right? So again, if the issue is about you and how you value yourself, I'd concentrate on improving your self-esteem. You can start with some affirmations ("I'm great the way I am"), writing a list of what you like about yourself, and/or volunteering. Or you can read some of my past blogs for more tips.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli
Thoughts on re-gifting?
Signed,
`Tis the Season to Re-gift?
Dear `Tis the Season to Re-gift?
I'm actually okay with re-gifting. Now before you start pulling out sweaters from 1970, let me clarify. If the gift is in good condition and relatively recent, I think it's fine. If you think that person would appreciate it more than you would, go for it. You know the saying: One person's junk is another's treasure. Just be careful not to re-gift an old friend's gift back to the same friend.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I love my babysitter but her English is horrendous. She's from another country and I'm just not sure she's understanding me or is getting what I need from her. Here's the kicker, though: She's great with my son. He hasn't connected with anyone else like that since he met her. Do I hire someone else to ease my anxiety about her understanding what I need? Or do I keep her because she's great with my son?
Signed,
Language of Confusion
Dear Language of Confusion,
I totally hear you on both fronts. On the one hand, you want to feel secure that she's understanding what you need from you or your son. On the other hand, she's great with your son and that's not always easy to find.
I have a few thoughts. If you don't know her native language, find it out. What if you translate the more important things (i.e. "Here are the emergency numbers," "Feed my son at this time," etc.) in her language? You can find a free translator company online. You can also print your needs for that day from the free translator. (Now this is assuming it's a widely spoken language. For an uncommon language you may have to pay for a translation system online or find someone to help you.)
Repeat what you say in a different way: "Dinner is at 5 pm. 5 pm is dinner." The babysitter may understand one version better than the other.
Additionally, ask her to repeat back to you. "Anna, what time was dinner?" to see if she understands.
Start interviewing other people and see how your son reacts to them. You may find he attaches himself just as easily to someone else. And you can have both: a babysitter who you're sure understands you well and connects well with your son.
I'm not sure how long you've had your sitter but I'd give it a few weeks and see how you feel. If you feel that the situation isn't improving with the suggestions I've made and you're still feeling uncomfortable, I'd try and find someone else.
Good luck,
Kelli
Monday, December 6, 2010
Ask Kelli: SAD, Sick of Being Single, Hate Taking Pictures
Dear Kelli,
It seems that every time winter comes, I feel down. I know about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and I may have it. I do plan to check this out with my doctor but in the meantime, what practical things can I do?
Signed,
SAD
Dear SAD,
For those who don't know, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a form of depression that occurs in relation to the seasons, most commonly beginning in winter. The symptoms include:
* Afternoon slumps with decreased energy and concentration
* Carbohydrate cravings
* Decreased interest in work or other activities
* Depression that starts in fall or winter
* Increased appetite with weight gain
* Increased sleep and excessive daytime sleepiness
* Lack of energy
* Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
* Social withdrawal
Some practical tips to help anyone (with or without SAD) in the winter are:
1) Go outside. Yes, it's cold and you'll freeze your tush off but you can layer up. The natural sunlight is great for hormone regulation and producing endorphins. If you do have SAD a doctor may prescribe a light box, which mimics the sun's rays.
2) Exercise. Yes, you've heard it from me before. Now go do it!
3) Enjoy the season. That means for winter, take advantage of skiing, sledging, snow-shoeing, etc.
4) Have a seasonal ritual. For example, in fall rake leaves with your loved ones. In the winter, make hot cocoa from scratch or rent a few movies every Saturday and build a fire.
5) Write down what you do like about winter. The sales? Comfort foods like hot soups or mac-and-cheese? House decorations? A brighter perspective on the season may make it more bearable for you.
6) Be your own Ansel Adams. That means take advantage of winter's beauty and start snapping photos. Could be a great new hobby.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm single and absolutely sick of of dating. No more bars. I'm done. Is there hope for me?
Signed,
Singled Out
Dear Singled Out,
So my first question is: Are you only pursuing dates only one way? (i.e., bars?). Is it time to explore in different areas? Online dating? Sports clubs? Set ups? The point is to try new ways because the way your approaching it isn't working. So I encourage you to get out of your comfort zone and do something different when it comes to dating.
If you can't even fathom a different way of dating at this point, maybe give it a rest for a while. That's okay to take a break if you need one. Everyone needs a time-out and a month or two can do wonders.
Finally, sometimes it helps if you surrender the situation. Just say to yourself, "It's okay I haven't found someone at this point. I know when the time is right it will happen for me. In the meantime, maybe someone is trying to tell me I need time to learn more about what I want in life."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
This sounds silly but I hate having photographs taken of me. I mean, hate it. Now that the holidays are coming I know it's more time for "photo ops." Is there anyway I can get out of it?
Signed,
Picture Not Perfect
Dear Picture Not Perfect,
I validate your dislike of having your picture taken. You're not alone. These are my thoughts: First, tell your subjects beforehand. You can say something like, "Sandy, I'm so excited to come to dinner. Thanks again for having me. I have to tell you, I'm really uncomfortable with having my picture taken. I know it sounds silly. Is there any one I can bow out of this one this year?" If you don't feel bold enough to voice your concerns, my second suggestion is to offer to take the pictures at the events.
Now, I don't want to sound all therapist-y but you might want to explore why you hate being in pictures so much. Is it low self-esteem? Body dysmorphia? Just something you might want to explore, rather than avoid.
All the best,
Kelli
It seems that every time winter comes, I feel down. I know about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and I may have it. I do plan to check this out with my doctor but in the meantime, what practical things can I do?
Signed,
SAD
Dear SAD,
For those who don't know, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a form of depression that occurs in relation to the seasons, most commonly beginning in winter. The symptoms include:
* Afternoon slumps with decreased energy and concentration
* Carbohydrate cravings
* Decreased interest in work or other activities
* Depression that starts in fall or winter
* Increased appetite with weight gain
* Increased sleep and excessive daytime sleepiness
* Lack of energy
* Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
* Social withdrawal
Some practical tips to help anyone (with or without SAD) in the winter are:
1) Go outside. Yes, it's cold and you'll freeze your tush off but you can layer up. The natural sunlight is great for hormone regulation and producing endorphins. If you do have SAD a doctor may prescribe a light box, which mimics the sun's rays.
2) Exercise. Yes, you've heard it from me before. Now go do it!
3) Enjoy the season. That means for winter, take advantage of skiing, sledging, snow-shoeing, etc.
4) Have a seasonal ritual. For example, in fall rake leaves with your loved ones. In the winter, make hot cocoa from scratch or rent a few movies every Saturday and build a fire.
5) Write down what you do like about winter. The sales? Comfort foods like hot soups or mac-and-cheese? House decorations? A brighter perspective on the season may make it more bearable for you.
6) Be your own Ansel Adams. That means take advantage of winter's beauty and start snapping photos. Could be a great new hobby.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm single and absolutely sick of of dating. No more bars. I'm done. Is there hope for me?
Signed,
Singled Out
Dear Singled Out,
So my first question is: Are you only pursuing dates only one way? (i.e., bars?). Is it time to explore in different areas? Online dating? Sports clubs? Set ups? The point is to try new ways because the way your approaching it isn't working. So I encourage you to get out of your comfort zone and do something different when it comes to dating.
If you can't even fathom a different way of dating at this point, maybe give it a rest for a while. That's okay to take a break if you need one. Everyone needs a time-out and a month or two can do wonders.
Finally, sometimes it helps if you surrender the situation. Just say to yourself, "It's okay I haven't found someone at this point. I know when the time is right it will happen for me. In the meantime, maybe someone is trying to tell me I need time to learn more about what I want in life."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
This sounds silly but I hate having photographs taken of me. I mean, hate it. Now that the holidays are coming I know it's more time for "photo ops." Is there anyway I can get out of it?
Signed,
Picture Not Perfect
Dear Picture Not Perfect,
I validate your dislike of having your picture taken. You're not alone. These are my thoughts: First, tell your subjects beforehand. You can say something like, "Sandy, I'm so excited to come to dinner. Thanks again for having me. I have to tell you, I'm really uncomfortable with having my picture taken. I know it sounds silly. Is there any one I can bow out of this one this year?" If you don't feel bold enough to voice your concerns, my second suggestion is to offer to take the pictures at the events.
Now, I don't want to sound all therapist-y but you might want to explore why you hate being in pictures so much. Is it low self-esteem? Body dysmorphia? Just something you might want to explore, rather than avoid.
All the best,
Kelli
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)