Ask Kelli: Gaining Weight Comments, Book Worm, & Engaged to the Right Guy?

Dear Kelli,
I've gained some weight over the past year, around 30 pounds. I understand it's noticeable but why do people -- my relatives in particular -- keep saying things to me about it? It's so uncomfortable and shameful. I honestly don't know what to do about the comments. Do I acknowledge them? Ignore them? Not go to any more holiday functions?

Signed,
Self-Conscious about My Weight


Dear Self-Conscious,
You have every right to feel upset about your relatives' comments. It is hurtful when someone makes a comment about you, but especially hard when it's already something you feel self-conscious about!

Try not to make too much of your relatives' comments. If you dyed your hair green, your relatives would notice and would probably say something. So you have to be honest with yourself and realize you do look different. Most likely your relatives are acknowledging your new look, but no matter what, realize they still love you. Weight is definitely a sensitive issue and some people don't realize that even neutral observations like, "You've gained weight" can be construed as negative and hurtful.

You can't change people nor control what they say but you can control your attitude about it. So in the future, you have a few options. First, you can acknowledge the comments and move on. "Yes, I know. I've gained some weight. But tell me about you. How have you been?" Second, you can let people know that you consider the topic off-limits. "You know, that's a sore subject at the moment. It's not something you can ask me about. But I'd love for you to ask me about the new promotion I got at work (or ask my opinion about the hot new movie I just saw)." Third, make a joke about it. "Yup, gained some weight. But hey, I still have a great personality."

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm not into movies, TV, radio, but maybe just a little bit of the internet. What I really like are books. I know I'm not the norm, but how do I fit in with mainstream when everyone else is about texting, twittering, watching movies, and TV?

Signed,
More of a Bookworm


Dear Bookworm,
Don't try to fit in: Be proud of who you are. So why not create circles around what you're interested in? It sounds like a book club would be right up your alley. Or see if your local library has some new events. There is also a National Book Festival in DC held once a year that you might really enjoy. Click here for all the information.

It's okay you are different than the norm. People love you as you are, not as
someone who wants to fit in.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm engaged and getting married in a year. The issue is that I'm not sure this is the man for me. I know, it sounds crazy considering that I'm engaged. But I think I'm worried I won't find anyone else. You've seen the dating pool in this area! My guy definitely has some great qualities but there is also a lot we need to work on. I don't think he treats me as well as I deserve. Do I go through with it? Or is this just a typical case of cold feet?

Signed,
Ghost Bride


Dear Ghost Bride,
Whoa! Slow down. There is a lot going on here and I definitely wouldn't dismiss it as "cold feet." The first thing that caught my attention was "I'm not sure this is the man for me." Women have amazing intuition. I believe your body is trying to tell you something. If this was really the man for you, you wouldn't have this type of doubt. Second, you mentioned you are worried you won't find anyone else. That is absolutely not a reason to get married. I understand you're fearful you won't find someone else but getting married to the wrong person will create other worries that will be a whole lot worse! Third, you said he doesn't treat you right. Forget marriage: Why on earth would you even date a guy who isn't treating you the way you deserve? Marriage isn't going to change how your man treats you; if you keep in mind that people are usually on their best behavior while dating. I highly encourage you not to go through with this
marriage. If you are really adamant, however, I would strongly suggest seeking couples counseling.

All the best,
Kelli