Ask Kelli: Resolving Spending Habits, Divorcee Dating with Kids, & Dealing with Drunk Relatives

Dear Kelli,

My husband is a spender like nobody’s business. I’m more of a frugal gal, so much so it’s sometimes hard for me to spend money. This has always been a problem for us but it gets worse during the holidays. How do we resolve this issue?

Signed,

Frugal Fanny

Dear Frugal Fanny,

First know your situation is not uncommon. Money is the number one thing couples fight about! It may be easy for partners to match up with likes and dislikes but it’s not always so easy to match up with spending habits. So know you aren’t alone. Try and figure out why it’s so hard for you to spend and your husband not. Often our childhood and parents play a huge role in this! I would definitely encourage a candid discussion between the two of you regarding where you learned your behaviors. It will help a great deal if you find out the root cause. Third, commit to paying bills together. This way you both can see how much you owe and how much you have. Finally, it might not be a bad idea to invest in a financial counselor. This way you designate someone neutral to make the decisions for you (and you and your husband aren’t the “bad” guy). You can find a counselor at the National Foundation for Credit Counseling: www.nfcc.org/

All the best,

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

I’m recently divorced and have a 5-year-old. I’ve since starting dating a really nice guy. How soon is too soon to introduce him to my daughter?

Signed,

Want to be the best Mom

Dear Want to be the best Mom,

I applaud you for really thinking this situation through before jumping into an immediate introduction. You didn’t mention how long you’ve been dating this new guy but I’m assuming it’s still relatively new. Therefore, I would wait until you make absolute sure this relationship is a serious one. The last thing you want to do is introduce your beau to your daughter and then have to explain later why it didn’t work out. So try and hold off until you feel like there is true potential for the two of you as a couple. Then I would introduce him to your daughter in a very child-focused environment. Does your daughter love the park? The zoo? Pick a spot you feel she would be the most comfortable. I would also keep the introduction light. “Mommy has a new friend she wants you to meet…” And try and hold off on being physical in front of your daughter for awhile. In this situation I think baby steps work best.

All the best,

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

I hate the holidays!! Mainly because my uncle Rick drinks like a fish. Then he embarrasses me and the rest of the family at dinner with old stories that are often inappropriate (running around naked on the playground, etc.). It’s really unnecessary. What can I do?

Signed,

Holiday Scruge

Dear Holiday Scruge,

It’s totally understandable why you don’t like the holidays. Dealing with relatives is not easy—especially when they get inebriated at the dinner table! I would have a true heart-to-heart with your uncle before the event. Remember the sandwich method. Start with something nice, “Uncle Rick I really love being with you and I’m glad you are coming to Thanksgiving again this year.” Then place the “meat” of your conversation. “But I have to be honest and tell you that I get really embarrassed when you mention stories about me or other family members when we were younger. I feel like it’s not always comfortable for us when you talk about that. I’d really appreciate it if we could talk about other things. Maybe we can talk about how you are liking your new job?” Then end with something good again. “I hope you can respect my and the rest of the family’s feelings this year because I know we can have a really fun Thanksgiving. I look forward to seeing you.” If the pre-talk doesn’t work and Uncle Rick still acts up, I would immediately change the topic. The last thing you want to do is fuel the conversation by yelling at him or making a big deal out of it. Finally, if everyone else isn’t a big drinker in your family perhaps you could go alcohol-free this Thanksgiving?

All the best,

Kelli

Accepting a Gay Son, Divorcee Wants to Get it On, & Managing Mornings with Kids

Dear Kelli,
I am a gay teen. I have come out to everyone in my life and found support from friends, teachers, and my extended family. The only people who seem to be struggling with my sexual orientation are my parents. I know that "coming out"can come as a shock to many people, and can seem problematic to parents who don't know many gay people themselves, but I come from parents who always promised to love me unconditionally, yet it seems at times, lately, they are going back on their word. I don't try to rub my homosexuality in their faces or be "overly-flamboyant", but I want to have an honest and open relationship with them. How do I be true to myself while keeping peace in the house, especially if my parents are not comfortable/pleased with my orientation?

Signed,
Looking For Peace

Dear Looking For Peace,
The first thing I want to share with you is that you are definitely not alone! Most gay, bisexual, and transgender teens talk about the lack of support from their parents. It's not an easy situation and sometimes takes some time before parents really "accept" their kids' sexuality.

The great news? You actually sound very comfortable in your own skin. I want to applaud you for feeling confident aside from the reaction of your parents. It's very easy to let their responses, judgments, opinions get you down. So good for you!

I would pick a good time to sit down and speak with your parents. First explain that you want to have an open conversation about your sexuality. You would like share your point of view and to hear theirs too. Now depending on what you feel comfortable talking about, you might want to mention that homosexuality is not a choice and that it is not something you can control. A lot of parents don't understand this. You might want to talk about the difficulties you had to
encounter being gay: whether it be at school, work, with friends, etc. Next, I would tell them exactly what you told me: you would like to have an honest and open relationship with them. Explain why you feel confused when they say they "love you unconditionally" but then aren't exactly following up on it. It is best to use a lot of "I" statements rather than "You" statements so no one gets defensive. For example, "I feel this way…" rather than "You aren't supporting
me!" Next, I would have some information handy. There is a great book called Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk About Their Experiences by Carolyn Welch Griffin and Marian J. Wirth. This might be a nice way for your parents to hear from other parents of lesbian and gay teens. It may validate their own feelings and concerns. There is also PFLAG-- Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). PFLAG offers support groups and education that might be very helpful in this case. Their website is www.pflag.org and
their phone number is: (202) 467-8180. They are located at: 1726 M Street, NW Suite 400 Washington, DC 20036. Finally, and if you still can't see eye to eye on things, I would definitely suggest family counseling.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I got divorced about six months ago and I'm finally back on the dating circuit. The problem is I'm terrified to get intimate again. I recently met a great guy and we've been dating about four weeks. We're not exclusive but it seems like its going that way. When do you think is the right time to have sex?

Signed,
Scared of Sex

Dear Scared of Sex,
The truth is, Scared: no one can tell when the "right" time is. Only you and your intuition will know! Some questions to ask yourself that might help: Do you feel comfortable with this man? Do you trust him? Do you want to wait to have sex until you are exclusive? Do you see a future with this man? (from your question it sounds that way). Finally, can you be assured he is free of
sexually transmitted diseases?

I would encourage you to have a conversation with this man about all these things. I know it's not exactly comfortable. But the thing is: if you are going to be sleeping with this man you should feel comfortable—-whether that is through oral communication or getting down and dirty in the sheets! Tell him your situation. See whether he is understanding and empathetic or impatient and awkward. That should shed some light on how you want to make your decision. When you do decide to have sex, just a reminder to use adequate protection(sorry I'm not only a therapist but a Jewish mom too!). I certainly don't want another type of question a few months from now…
All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
Mornings always seem like the biggest struggle with my 7-year-old and 5-year-old. It's like a 3-ring circus in my kitchen! How can I make them more manageable? I'm always late to work!

Signed,
Not a Morning Person

Dear Not a Morning Person,
This is definitely a concern to moms all over the world. Mornings can certainly
be crazy even without kids! So here are a few of my suggestions:

The night before:
•Pre-pack both kids' lunches. String cheese, cherry tomatoes, pretzels, grapes, already cut up carrots, yogurts, and string cheese are all healthy and quick items to throw in a bag.
•Pre-make breakfast. Even if it is just cereal already put in a bowl (and the next morning you just pour the milk) that will still save you an extra minute. If you are feeling fancy you can make a quick breakfast burrito (whole wheat wrap, scrambled eggs, veggies, and cheese) and roll those up in tinfoil ready to go the next morning. Or you can always boil eggs that night to grab before you head out the door in the morning. [If you don't have time the night before,
quick breakfast ideas are instant oatmeal, whole grain breakfast bars, precooked sausage links or veggie sausage links, and fruit].
•Put out the kids' clothes for the next day. Have the kids choose what they want to wear so they will have more incentive to put it on in the morning!
•Make sure the kids' backpacks are ready to go. Empty out the previous days' letters and artwork and put in what is needed for the next day. Place backpacks by the door so no one forgets theirs.

The morning of:
•Wake up earlier. At least you'll be ready to go even if it takes the kids a few extra minutes. Oh, and you may be able to actually eat something!
•Establish rules. Whether that be no cartoons unless beds are made or no iPod until your kid is ready to go, boundaries always help!

Good luck,
Kelli