Friend in Rehab, Vaccination Dilemmas, & Bully Trauma

Dear Kelli,
I have a friend of 40 years who has a history of drug and alcohol abuse and is now in a month-long rehab, for the second time, at a facility in Florida. I understand that this was a serious overdose and that Susan has now suffered irreversible liver and kidney damage. It is thought that her brain has likely been affected as well, although the extent is not yet known; she is described as functioning well within the confines of the facility.

Susan is the godmother of my 25-year old daughter Katherine. The last time we saw Susan was four years ago, a few months prior to her first inpatient rehab. At the time she looked very pale and weak, although after her initial meltdown and subsequent rehab, she stabilized, met a man, and got married. I have seen only one photo of her during that time (her wedding picture) and she looked great. However I know she is now very thin and her mother reports that she has
spent so much time in the sun that her face is very wrinkled. Susan had told me that people often asked if she and her mother were sisters; Susan is 61, her mother is 87. My guess is that her lifestyle has caught up with her.

Katherine wants us to take a trip and visit Aunt Susan to show our support and concern. I am of two minds about this. Susan is vain and in her current state might feel awkward about having us see her in post-rehab condition. On the other hand, this recent overdose was so severe that it required 10 days of around-the-clock monitoring – with a nurse or an aide in the room with her 24/7 – for her to detoxify enough to be sent to rehab. (During her first rehab I learned from her family that she had experienced several close calls in prior years, about which I was unaware, even though I had seen her several times during that period.)

I think Susan may have used up all her luck and that she won't have much life left after she is released. Certainly, if she ever overdoses again, she'll have no life left at all.

Prior to her recent relapse, Susan and I had talked of my visiting her, and I had mentioned this to Katherine, who was very enthusiastic and asked to be included in the trip. Obviously the situation now is different. I have yet to talk with Susan to see if she would be interested in seeing us. If she affirmatively doesn't want to see us, the question will be answered, but it may be that she would like us to visit, in which case I need help deciding – in advance – if the visit is a good or bad idea, both for me and my daughter.

I am of an age where I have had several friends die, but all have been accidental deaths. Susan is the first friend who is sick, and unlikely to get better. I remember when my mother's friends and relatives began getting sick, most often with cancer – she often went to visit them before they died. Right now I can remember the fun times Susan and I (and my family) had over the years
and must use my imagination to picture what she and her life now is like. Do I want to cauterize my memories and preserve just the pretty pictures or does a good friend always come through, even though the visit might be very upsetting? Similarly, is it wise for my daughter to witness the results of a person's slow self-destruction, particularly a person whom she has adored all her life?

I feel I need the answers to my own questions before I contact Susan and ask if she would like a visit. We live 1,500 miles apart, so I could always claim that the time/distance factor would be too great, although that is not really a consideration.

Susan has some relatives and a few friends in Florida but, to the best of my knowledge, no old friends have indicated an interest in seeing her; most of her other friends have fallen by the wayside as she disintegrated along a downward trajectory. I will be very sad when she dies - and I am not certain if I would also be angry at myself for not going to see her in advance.

I have tried to be as factual as possible. I just need to think this out, and would appreciate your help.

Signed,
Troubled Friend


Dear Troubled Friend,

I know it must be extremely hard for you to see one of your oldest friend sgo through such trauma. But the great news is that you've continued to support her throughout her entire ordeal. Not a lot of friends can say the same. So my first question to you is: why continue to stop being such a good friend now? At the time your friend needs you most? Friends are there for one another through the good and the bad. In my opinion, especially the bad. You are right in
first asking Susan what she wants regarding a visit. Assuming she does want to see you (and Katherine), I would absolutely go.

Yes, it most probably will be awkward and an upsetting visit. But you sound prepared for this which is the only thing you can really do. I also advise you to "warn" and prepare Katherine just the same. Perhaps she has the same fears you do? It would be wonderful if you could have an open and candid discussion with her beforehand. You'll both feel safer having discussed the possibilities and expectations of Susan's wellbeing.

I know you are fearful seeing Susan now will change how you've felt about her previously. But seeing someone in the present doesn't change the feelings and wonderful memories you've had together in the past. In other words, one difficult visit will not ruin the Susan you cherished beforehand.

By seeing Susan you are giving an incredible service to her. This will be invaluable to her even if she doesn't outright show it. And I have a feeling you'll feel better too.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband and I are fighting over whether or not we should vaccinate our newborn daughter. He feels strongly one way and I feel the other. Thoughts?

Signed,
Vaccination Confusion


Dear Vaccination Confusion,

First, know you two are not alone. Vaccinations are a highly controversial subject and many couples find themselves disagreeing about the next step for their child. The difficulty is that you both want the best for your child and because of that it's sometimes hard to "hear" your partner's side. So first I would have each of you gently discuss why you feel the way you do. Then repeat each other's reasonings. This way you both feel like you've been heard and at least partially understood. After both parties have said their piece I think the next best step is agreeing upon a plan that feels comfortable for the two of you.

There is an excellent book called The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child by Dr. Robert Sears. In my opinion it gives a very objective view on vaccines. Dr. Sears highlights several different schedules (a delayed or alternative schedule and a selective schedule) which may feel like a compromise for you and your husband.

I would also advise you and your husband to talk about your concerns with your pediatrician.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
This may sound silly but I feel like I'm still not over getting bullied in middle school. There was this one boy who treated me so horribly I can't get it out of my mind. In fact, I still have nightmares about it. Will I ever get over this? I'm 32 years old!

Signed,
Bully Target


Dear Bully Target,

It is absolutely not silly to still feel traumatized by something that occurred years or even decades ago. It's wonderful you are aware that you are still upset about the situation and can even pinpoint why you feel the way you do. (Often times people are unaware why they feel angry or victimized.) Now you just have to do some hard work to move on from the incident. I would highly suggest seeing a qualified mental health therapist. You've tried "getting over
it" on your own and that has lead you nowhere. It looks like you need the help of a professional. But please be patient. Something traumatizing like what you experienced can often takes months or years to start healing. I would ask friends or colleagues for a recommend therapist or you could also use a free locating service like www.therapists.net/ or http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

In the meantime I have two suggestions. The first is to write an angry letter to the boy who treated you so horribly. Say everything that comes up for you and use no censoring. A lot of times we have trapped feelings inside of us for so long that the embarrassment and shame often cover it all up. Writing a letter can get to the bottom of what we are truly feeling. Sometimes we don't even know ourselves! Craft the letter, then either read it to a trusted friend or burn it. Both are highly cathartic. Second, pray for that little boy. It sounds crazy but taking contrary action is often the most productive action we can take. Looking at this boy as being spiritually sick and needing to pray for him to get better not only helps him but you as well.

All the best,
Kelli