Family Drama, Phone Sex Grounds for Divorce? & Friendship Boundaries

Dear Kelli-
I have not felt close with my step-siblings for many years. A few years ago, their father passed away, so we are no longer technically related. A few weeks ago, my step-brother, his wife and their child moved to the area from the Midwest, where we all used to live. There are no other relatives in the DC area. They did not contact me to let me know they were going to move here or to let me know they had moved or to give me their information -- my mother passed all of this information to me. She believes we are all still one big happy family. What is generally considered the appropriate thing to do? Do I contactthem or let them contact me? And why bother...?

Signed,
Not Really One Big Happy Family


Dear Not Really One Big Happy Family,
It's interesting: I think on the one hand you want to write your "family" off. As you say, "why bother?" On the other hand, I think there is a part of you that really does care. I mean, would you really write to me for advice if you honestly didn't care? My guess is that deep down there is a piece of you that wants to do the kind and appropriate thing. And to me that is being the bigger
person, contacting with your step-family, and wishing them a happy move-in (and if you really want brownie points: inviting them over for dinner). Yes, it's difficult. Yes, they aren't your favorite people in the world. But you're doing the right thing. Keeping your side of the street clean as they say. And you'll feel better. Wouldn't you want them to do the same for you?

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband and I have been married 40 years. It's a pretty sorry relationship and although we're mostly pleasant with one another and occasionally enjoy a laugh together, there hasn't been a physical relationship for over 10 years. Recently he has begun to have phone sex with a young friend from out west. I had noticed changes in him, overheard a few things, and happened on his sent emails, which confirmed it along with mutual statements of love and lust. I was away for the weekend and now see that things have progress to his having long conversations with her while I am in earshot. He's following her pot roast recipe, talking about taking his sweaters to the cleaners--all friendly and chatty.

I am not really upset about his falling in love. We all deserve to have love in our lives and it is not going to happen with us again in our long problematic relationship.

I am upset that this is now intolerable and I'm going to have to confront him, make housing and financial decisions, and families on both sides will get tossed around emotionally.

I am also concerned that the 35 year old, quite beautiful and sexy grandmother will get tired of him and we'll then be blown apart for nothing.

At 66, I would be OK with living on my own, I have friends and lots of interests. I would hate to lose our little retirement house and I would hate for him to move and leave children and grandchildren without him. Money would, of course, be more of a problem.

I don't think I have any right to ask him to stop, nor would he be likely to.

Do you have any idea what steps to recommend? I'm heading for the library to study up but am hoping for some sage advice as well. Is phone sex/love enough grounds for divorce in DC?

Signed,
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
There is no question divorce is extremely difficult. I believe the first step you have to take if you are going to go through with this is simply accepting the fact this is not going to be easy.

It sounds like you're trying to weigh whether you should continue living with your spouse who is emotionally (and possibly physically) cheating on you or divorcing him and dealing with some logistical complexities.

From what you wrote I get the sense you can't live with the situation anymore (obviously totally understandable). My guess is that you are mainly nervous about the big steps that lie ahead, not whether or not you're making a mistake by leaving him. What you have to remember is that the logistical complexities won't last forever. Yes, they will be tough and frustrating for awhile but then it will get easier. And you're okay with the hardest part: living on your own.

I believe an important question to ask yourself is: Is my self-worth more important than dealing with some (temporary) rearrangements?

As for the fear that your husband's phone-sex mistress will get tired of him -- well, frankly that is not your problem. You have more important things to worry about, like what night you are going out with your friends, when you are getting your next massage, and so on. Take this time for you; you deserve it. And don't worry about her. You can't do anything about their situation anyway.

Unfortunately I don't know the laws in DC regarding divorce and phone sex. I would suggest hiring a good divorce lawyer who can tell you more specifics.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I need advice on how to handle a difficult situation. My two best friends never married each other but have a wonderful child together. They have decided that they should live as far apart from one another and are no longer on positive terms with each other. I have told them both that they should try to sort their issues out without going through lawyers. I also told them that I would not repeat my advice/position and that I would stay neutral since I am in no position to take sides. They continue to share with me their messages with one another on what they plan to do against each other. I really do not want to get involved and caught in the middle since they ignored my plea and are now escalating this to legal litigation. I also hope to never to receive a subpoena as this would tear our friendship apart. On the other hand, they are very close friends of mine and they need my support. Any advice you can give on the best way to handle this?

Signed,
A Friend Who Wants to Help


Dear Friend Who Wants to Help,
You need to reestablish your boundaries with both of your friends. As much as you don't realize it, you are in control here. You need to state firmly to each of them: "I love and support you but I cannot be put in the middle of this. If you value our friendship you will respect my wishes and not discuss any part of the divorce with me." If nothing changes then you have to question the
friendship you have in the first place. Friends respect each other's boundaries.

All the best,
Kelli