Ak Kelli: Daughter's Bad Breath, 12-Step Programs, & Friendships

Dear Kelli,
My 17 year old daughter is lovely, charming, perceptive, very intelligent and has horrible breath. She got her braces off six months ago which I hoped would improve her breath. At her dental check up last month she was told her dental hygiene is excellent. I have taken her to her internist and a gastroenterologist (she has some reflux) and she has no medical condition that would cause her to have bad breath. I try not to talk about it with her too often, as she is understandably touchy about it. I know she doesn't drink enough water and like many high school students pushes her body with long study hours. Any suggestions that she drink more water or get more rest are dismissed angrily. I am concerned that her breath has and will negatively effect her social life.

Signed,
Concerned Mom


Dear Concerned Mom,
I hear you, especially as a mother myself. You want the best for your daughter and are nervous her breath will affect her social skills. But here's the thing: you have pretty much done everything you can do! First, you sought professional help to rule out any medical issues. Next, you've made suggestions about drinking water and getting adequate rest. What more can you do? Your daughter is obviously aware she may have a problem but she seems okay with it. That's the key. She's okay with it! I think your part now is to let it go. I would also think deeply if this is more of a problem for you than her. If your answer is yes then you have to look at why this bothers you so much (i.e. is her breath a reflection of your parenting?) As you mentioned, she's very bright. So have faith that she'll know how to deal with the consequences if her breath does negatively affect her personal relationships. It's all part of growing up and learning how to deal with situations on her own.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm a member of Overeaters Anonymous (OA). I love the program and been working the steps. As a result I've lost over 20 pounds. When people compliment and tell me how great I look, they often ask me "What's the secret?" I'm not sure I'm comfortable telling them I'm in a 12-step program, let alone Overeaters Anonymous. Do you think I should out myself?

Signed,
12-Stepper


Dear 12-Stepper,
Congratulations on getting yourself into a program and being so successful! I am a huge fan of support groups and am pleased you found one you feel comfortable in.

I see two ways of answering the question: "What's your secret?" Number 1: You could talk about the specifics you are doing: eating well, exercising, etc. and simply not mention the fact you are in an actual program. Number 2: You could put your shame aside and tell them about OA. The program worked for you, right? You sound grateful for it so why not enable other people to benefit the same way?

Another way of looking at this whole situation is looking at it from a service point of view. In other words, you could think of revealing your "secret" as actually doing a service by telling others about program when or if they ask. And after all isn't step 12: "Tried to carry this message to other compulsive overeaters?"

Either way you should feel 100% comfortable with your decision. Remember, once you are "out," you are really out. But I'm thinking it might be humbling to share your "secret." There is an old saying: "We are only as sick as our secrets" I'm thinking if you do go public you may feel better (and relieved).

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a friend of 17 years. We went to middle school together and grew up a few metro stops away. Here is the problem: over the years we've both changed. She went in one direction and I went in another. Now we barely have anything incommon. In fact, I'm not sure I even really enjoy her company. Do I continue staying friends with her or cut it off? It just feels like an obligation rather than a pleasure. On the other hand, I'm not sure I want to end it completely.
We do share a few of the same friends and I don't want it to be uncomfortable for everyone else.

Signed,
Friendless?


Dear Friendless?
So basically you are asking if you should maintain a friendship you really don't enjoy merely for the sake of history? Personally I don't believe it's necessary to continue a friendship you don't enjoy. It is, however, possible to "maintain" a friendship if you don't feel ready to end it, don't want things to be awkward in a group setting, or just want to have a few brief encounters (see
my lessons about friendship #3).

So here are a few things I've learned about friendships over the years:

1) Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes you are closer with friends and sometimes you may drift apart. That's okay.

2) Friendships should consist of mutual respect, kindness, and honesty.

3) Friendships don't have to be all or nothing. You can have an acquaintance type relationship, especially in today's world via the internet (i.e. Facebook, instant message, email, etc.) Exchanges via the internet can often take the place of face-to-face lunches or phone calls.

4) Finally, friendships should be enjoyable, not painstaking. If the friendship truly feels uncomfortable, you might want to re-examine the relationship.

All the best,
Kelli