Where to Meet Men, Husband Tagging Along, and Etiquette

Dear Kelli,
Here's my question: I am 33 and just moved to DC to start a new job. I am single and looking for a relationship but the majority of people I seem to be meeting are in their mid- to late-20s. Now, I have nothing against men in their mid-20s-- I have, in fact, dated some in the past but they are often in very different psychological spaces in terms of their relationship goals.

Most of my friends (male and female) are married and have started families. I have nothing against that path but I was not ready to settle down until recently. Unfortunately, I feel like I am now surrounded by people who are basically like my friends were 10 years ago: men in their mid-20s who want to settle down with women in their mid-20s -- not with women in their mid-30s. I never admitted it before because I have never felt old or starved for male
attention, but I feel I am soon to miss the dating/marriage/kids boat if something doesn't change.

Where can I meet like-minded men in an organic, authentic manner that does not require an established local social network and does not brand me as "desperate" or "on the husband hunt"? I am a well-traveled, emotionally-intelligent, Ivy-educated woman whom men and women have described as beautiful (not to be immodest). Most of the time, people are shocked when they find out I don't have a boyfriend. But how do I get past the "it should be easy for you to find a date" to "I am actually dating someone"?

Thanks!
Possibly over-the-hill on the Hill


Dear Possibly over-the-hill on the Hill,
Okay, here's the deal. I'm not sure there is an organic way to meet a man if you are truly "looking." In other words, you usually meet a mate "naturally" when you aren't looking. So you have a few choices. You can live your life normally and do more for you (classes, vacations, etc.) and perhaps meet a man that way or you go the opposite approach and be proactive about finding a guy. Yes, both choices stink. And there is no guarantee either way. But the good
news? You can do both simultaneously. Why not enrich your life while looking for a mate? Take that Italian class you always want to take. The dance class you saw in the window on the way to work. You get the idea. And on the other hand make meeting someone happen. If you've read my columns before you know I'm a big proponent of online dating. And here's the great advantage for you. You can put in your profile that you want men in their 30s. That weeds out the 20-somethings you spoke of. Or you can keep your profile open and the 20-somethings come to you KNOWING you are 30-something. Then it's their call and they know what they are getting into! You can also specify on your profile that you want to get married, not just date casually. You can see back issues of my column for online dating website suggestions:
http://askkelli.blogspot.com/2009/10/dear-kelli-im-jewish-27-year-old-female.htm\
l

I'm also a big believer in word of mouth. So put the word out that you are looking. Yes, tell your neighbors, your friends, even your mom. You're not desperate, you're smart. You're not wasting time because you know what you want. And you are asking like-minded people for a recommendation. Think of it like asking a friend for a good tailor. Or therapist. Only these people are helping you find a good guy. Essentially they are doing the weeding out for you! Finally, it never hurts to go to places where the type of men you like will be. Into sports? The ratio at a basketball game is usually 1:10 for girls vs. guys. So not half bad! Like discovering things? Why not visit the Smithsonian? Love animals? The zoo could be a different place to check out the
scene.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and have a good married girl friend who I want to spend more time with. Only every time I ask her to do something she brings her husband along! It's fine once in a while but I just want it to be us girls sometimes.

Signed,
Three's a crowd

Dear Three's a crowd,
I can imagine it's not always comfortable to be the third party. But know you have a right to your friend alone even if she is married. Just because she has a ring on her finger doesn't mean her husband is surgically attached to her. So this is what I would suggest next time you make plans. "Hey Betty, do you mind if this lunch is just us girls?" Simple yet to the point. If you don't feel quite comfortable with just that, you could qualify and say, "I just want to talk to about more feminine stuff and would feel more comfortable with just you if that's okay."

You could also always suggest more "girly" stuff to do next time you have plans. A spa, getting a manicure, and bra shopping are all things I'm not sure the husband would be exactly jumping to attend.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to learn about etiquette (in all kinds of situations)?

Thanks,
No Manners


Dear No Manners,
The most popular person who speaks about etiquette is Emily Post. She has several different books out depending on what you are looking for. See here (on Amazon) for her books:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=emily+po\
st&x=0&y=0 You can also go to the Emily Post Institute's website for more information: http://www.emilypost.com/

I also like Etiquette for Dummies by Sue Fox and The Little Book of Etiquette by Dorothea Johnson.

Additionally, if you have an iPhone there is a great application called Etiquette Avenue that gives you tips on writing thank-you notes, making small talk, etc.

All the best,
Kelli