Ask Kelli: Counseling Program Part II, Friend and Gift, & Child with Anxiety

Dear Kelli,
I wrote to you in July about my desire to go to grad school for an MA in Counseling at a university here in DC.

So I got accepted within a few days in August; it all happened just so fast and smooth. I really see this as a sign from the divine. While the school is very minimalistic and even looks primitive on the outside, the program is very good, in my opinion. After fulfilling 700 hours of my internship, I will be ready to get my license. It is a very rigorous program and very demanding, especially my first course, Research in Education, and I am scared: How am I am going to write all these papers and do the research, since English is not my first language, and the professor for this course basically told us if she sees 1 - 3 grammar mistakes, she automatically grades the paper as "zero," as grad school students are expected to write on the level of the grad student.

So here I am writing to you for some support and input. I guess I need counseling myself before I actually do this program!

Many thanks for your advice!

Signed,
What Next?


Dear What Next?,
First of all, a huge congratulations! I'm happy for your decision and I'm excited for your academic year. I know you'll do wonderful.

Of course you feel overwhelmed: You are looking at your whole entire program, not your first class, or even your first paper! Remember: Take it day by day. Just like it's one project a time, one test at a time, and one paper at a time. Try and stay present as best you can through this year. Anxiety stems from worrying too much about the future. So if you find yourself worrying about how you are going to get it all done, first remind yourself that you are "futurizing" and that you need to concentrate on today more than anything else. Somehow, someway, everything almost always gets done in time.

Some grounding exercises I like are:

1) Physically grounding my feet to the floor. I even take off my shoes and
socks. There is something about literally being reminded to "stay where my feet
are" that keeps me present.
2) Meditating.
3) Deep breathing. Inhaling from a count to 10, then exhaling from a count to
10.
4) Exercising in any form
5) Making a list of my worries, then what I can do about them. For example:
Worry: I won't be able to complete all my papers.
What I can do: Plan ahead, start my research early, work with a friend, meet
with the professor and ask the professor for help, etc.

These lists make me feel more in control.

I hear what you are saying about English not being your first language. But I can always guarantee you will not be the only one in the program! Remember, you were accepted by the university into the program because they had faith and confidence you could complete the program. Have that same faith and you'll do just fine.

All the best,
Kelli

Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who lives cross country. He was kind enough to come to my wedding three months ago. But I actually never received a gift from him. The thing is: It's very unlike him. He's normally super generous. I'm nervous the gift got lost. But what if it didn't and he never actually gave me a gift? I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Advice?

Signed,
Do I Dare Go There?


Dear Do I Dare?,
I'd wait another few months. Some people believe they have a year to give a couple a wedding gift. So maybe he's still sending you something. Try and be patient before you say anything.

Then I do think it's okay to say something. If this is your dear friend, you should have an open and honest relationship. You could say something like, "Mike, I'm so honored you made it to the wedding. But a few of our gifts got lost and I wanted to make sure yours wasn't one of them. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable in any way. If you didn't get us anything, I completely understand and don't feel you need to justify. I just wanted to make sure nothing got lost.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My almost 16 year-old daughter tells me that she worries about a particular issue/aspect and is not comfortable talking to me about it. She says that she is the one who put this negative thought into her head, and that the worry is very irrational and stupid. Deep down in her heart she knows that what she is worried about will not happen, but she has these negative thought/s that she creates, regardless the signals of her instinct.

She says since we create the situations in our lives based on our thoughts -- the power of the mind and positive/negative thinking -- she is now worried that even if she switches from negative thoughts into positive, the events will still end up negative, because she thought about it a lot, or she goes back and forth, switching her thoughts from positive to negative . Then, she says that she now has a habit to worry. When she stops worrying it feels abnormal, but she does not know how to stop. When I tell her may be we can see a therapist so she can talk to someone about it, she says that she is uncomfortable talking to a stranger. No matter what I tell her, how I tell her, she agrees with everything I say but can not change the thought pattern. She also tells me: "When I am happy, I immediately find a negative thought to make myself worry. It is as if I want to hurt myself by thinking negative thoughts." She also tells me that she knows how to stop but she just does not allow herself to stop. She describes it as a little "ball" inside of her that needs to come out, something that she developed.

Is there are anything I can do to help her?

Signed,
Positive Mom


Dear Positive Mom,
I applaud you for wanting to be proactive and help your daughter. The fact that she is opening up to you is a great sign and even if she doesn't tell you exactly what she's worried about, she's still coming to you for help. You're doing good work.

You were spot-on with having her see a therapist. Not seeing her myself, it's hard to know for sure, but your daughter could have an anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. All these are usually beyond a parent's scope and are best treated with a therapist's help. I highly encourage you to try and have her see a therapist who specializes in anxiety or a cognitive behavioral therapist.

I know you tried once to see a therapist and she wasn't so keen on the idea. So perhaps you could try something like this: "Sue, I believe a trained therapist can help you with your negative thoughts. I know you are uncomfortable talking to a stranger, but I'm thinking the negative thoughts you are having are probably MORE uncomfortable. And yes, the first time might be difficult talking to a stranger, but it will get easier each time you meet with her/him. I want you to feel better and I know this could be a solution. How about we just try it for a few sessions and you let me know what you think?" You could also empower your daughter by having her included in the decision of choosing a therapist. For example, choosing a male or female therapist, deciding what she thought with an initial phone conversation with him/her, asking your daughter to write down her questions, etc. And I would offer to come with her to the first few sessions, if that would help her to feel more comfortable.

Finally, in addition, you might want to suggest to your daughter some of the grounding exercises I suggested to the first reader.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Overactive Bladder, Ugly Wedding Gift, & Ready to Make Amends

Dear Kelli,
I have an overactive bladder and constantly have to excuse myself from dinner events, work, etc. Do I explain to people my problem? I just don’t want them to assume I don’t want to be there.
Signed,
Peed Off

Dear Peed Off,
I’m sorry about your situation. I can imagine that would be very embarrassing as well as frustrating. I think explaining your condition depends on your situation. For example with work, I’d definitely recommend saying something. The reason being, you don’t want your supervisor thinking you are goofing off, doing your makeup in the bathroom, etc. It also will ease your anxiety that he/she isn’t wondering where you are all the time. Now remember you don’t have to go into too many details. Just something along the lines of “Dan, this is embarrassing but I wanted to let you know I have an overactive bladder. I thought it was important to tell you in case I may need to use the bathroom frequently.” In a dinner setting or another finite time setting you may get away with not saying anything (unless you want to, of course). People are so busy at parties or dinners, they probably won’t notice.

All the best,
Kelli

Dear Kelli,
A good friend of mine bought me the ugliest vase in the world for my wedding. I didn’t even register for it! Am I required to display it?
Signed,
No Flowers Here

Dear No Flowers Here,
Just because someone got you a gift doesn’t mean you are required to like it, nor display it. So no, I don’t feel it’s necessary. In fact (and some may disagree with me here) but if you know where she purchased it, I’d actually return it for something you do like. Why should you keep a vase just shoved away in the garage? If it’s your good friend, she’d want you to be happy and hopefully be okay with you exchanging it. And the fact you didn’t register for it makes it even more okay to return it in my opinion.

Now circumstances would be different if she made the vase or it some special meaning attached to it (this was my great-grandma’s, etc.), but since she purchased it, I believe its fine to exchange it for something you like better.

All the best,
Kelli

Dear Kelli,
My father and I have had a tumultuous relationship for a long time. I think I’m ready to reconnect. What do you suggest is the best way?
Signed,
Ready to Make Amends

Dear Ready to Make Amends,
Good for you! You realize life is short and it’s best to reconnect now, rather than later. I’m a bit old-fashioned so I’d suggest a hand written note. You might want to include an apology (or an apology in general for the way things have been), a few sentiments, and an offer to reconnect in person. For example something like, “Dear Dad, I’ve wanted to reach out to you for awhile. I’m sorry things have been so uneasy for us but I’m ready to have a better relationship now. You’ve always been important in my life, even if we didn’t speak for all those years. If you’d like, I’d love to meet for lunch so we can talk.”
Amends are special no matter how you do it, so if you aren’t comfortable with a note, phone or in person is great too.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Date Night Ideas, Help When It's Not Yours, & Wedding Gifts

Dear Kelli,
I've only been married for 3 years but I already feel bored. How we can spice up date night? We're always doing the same thing: dinner, movie, dinner, movie. What else can we do?

Signed,
Needing Ideas

Dear Needing Ideas,
You are not alone! It's very easy for married couples to get in a dating rut. Coming up with new ideas takes effort and who wants to do that? So let me do it for you:

1) Have a camping outing with tents and sleeping bags right in your own background! Grab a pack of marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate and make S'mores.
2) Rent a fancy car and take it out for a night on the town. For more information you can check out the Exotic Car Rental Directory:
http://www.exoticcarrental.com/car-rentals/usa/washington-dc/
3) Dance it up with a new lesson in salsa, the fox trout, or jazz. Joy of Motion in DC looks like it offers a variety: http://www.joyofmotion.org/
4) Make it a night under the stars at the Einstein Planetarium at the Smithsonian. Or see an Imax movie there. http://www.si.edu/imax/
5) Teach each other how to cook a new ethnic food or take a cooking class together. http://www.culinaerie.com/
6) Go to a nightclub together and pretend to have just met for the first time. Or better yet pretend to be two totally different people.
7) Buy glowsticks or take a flashlight and have a romantic walk in the park.
8) Do something adventurous! What about hangliding in Baltimore?
http://www.aerosports.net/
9) Do some volunteer work as a team. Here are a bunch of ideas:
http://www.volunteermatch.org/search/index.jsp?r=msa&l=56972%2C+
10) Recreate your very first date wearing your same outfits (if you still have em!) and quiz each other on who remembers more.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a huge problem when other people help me. I really appreciate it but they always do it wrong! Like my husband doesn't do the laundry the right way (forget the fabric softener) or my cleaner doesn't vacuum as well as I do. I've said something twice but should I keep voicing my opinion? What can I do?

Signed,
Help-less

Dear Help-less,
When you ask for help (which is a great first step by the way. Most people won't even ask for help) you have to know it is "conditional help'. In other words, it's their help. This means the help you receive is not going to be done in the exact fashion you would have done it. I think the first step for you is just accepting this simple fact. Next, try to put in perspective. In other words,
you might want to ask yourself: Do I want help that might not be perfect or no help at all?

The fear I have if you continue to verbalize your concerns to your husband or your housecleaner is that they will retract and not want to help at all. If you really feel the need to say something, however, I would do it very tactfully. First, acknowledge how thankful you are for the help then add your little tip. For example, "Husband, thank you so much for doing the laundry. It really helps me when I'm busy with work, walking the dog, and cooking dinner. But next time
you do the laundry would you mind throwing in a fabric softener sheet? No biggie but that would be awesome. Thanks so much!" Then next time he actually does your request make sure you recognize he did it. "Husband, I saw you threw it a fabric softener. Thanks so much. It not only shows you listen to me but you are a true champ at laundry!" (Hey, stroking the ego can never hurt…)

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
A good friend of mine never gave me a wedding gift. This was several years ago and I think he thought because he flew in for the wedding (from California, I live in DC) that his plane fare was the "gift." In two months is his wedding. Do I have to get him something?

Signed,
Gift?

Dear Gift?,
It's sometimes hard to put ourselves in other people's shoes. But I'm thinking in this case it might help you. For instance, I'm just wondering if perhaps your friend didn't have the money to also purchase a gift? We don't know if it was even a struggle for him to purchase the plane fare. Or maybe he didn't know you could also get a gift even if you purchased a flight? Who knows? Everyone grows up with a different set of "rules." But I'm thinking it definitely wasn't
malicious, just something he didn't do for his own reasoning. So that leaves me with you. Can you afford to get him a gift? If so, don't not get him a gift just to spite him. You know the golden rule: treat other people how you want to be treated. It sounds like you would have appreciated a gift, so be the bigger person and get him a gift.

All the best,
Kelli