Ask Kelli: Gaining Weight Comments, Book Worm, & Engaged to the Right Guy?

Dear Kelli,
I've gained some weight over the past year, around 30 pounds. I understand it's noticeable but why do people -- my relatives in particular -- keep saying things to me about it? It's so uncomfortable and shameful. I honestly don't know what to do about the comments. Do I acknowledge them? Ignore them? Not go to any more holiday functions?

Signed,
Self-Conscious about My Weight


Dear Self-Conscious,
You have every right to feel upset about your relatives' comments. It is hurtful when someone makes a comment about you, but especially hard when it's already something you feel self-conscious about!

Try not to make too much of your relatives' comments. If you dyed your hair green, your relatives would notice and would probably say something. So you have to be honest with yourself and realize you do look different. Most likely your relatives are acknowledging your new look, but no matter what, realize they still love you. Weight is definitely a sensitive issue and some people don't realize that even neutral observations like, "You've gained weight" can be construed as negative and hurtful.

You can't change people nor control what they say but you can control your attitude about it. So in the future, you have a few options. First, you can acknowledge the comments and move on. "Yes, I know. I've gained some weight. But tell me about you. How have you been?" Second, you can let people know that you consider the topic off-limits. "You know, that's a sore subject at the moment. It's not something you can ask me about. But I'd love for you to ask me about the new promotion I got at work (or ask my opinion about the hot new movie I just saw)." Third, make a joke about it. "Yup, gained some weight. But hey, I still have a great personality."

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm not into movies, TV, radio, but maybe just a little bit of the internet. What I really like are books. I know I'm not the norm, but how do I fit in with mainstream when everyone else is about texting, twittering, watching movies, and TV?

Signed,
More of a Bookworm


Dear Bookworm,
Don't try to fit in: Be proud of who you are. So why not create circles around what you're interested in? It sounds like a book club would be right up your alley. Or see if your local library has some new events. There is also a National Book Festival in DC held once a year that you might really enjoy. Click here for all the information.

It's okay you are different than the norm. People love you as you are, not as
someone who wants to fit in.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm engaged and getting married in a year. The issue is that I'm not sure this is the man for me. I know, it sounds crazy considering that I'm engaged. But I think I'm worried I won't find anyone else. You've seen the dating pool in this area! My guy definitely has some great qualities but there is also a lot we need to work on. I don't think he treats me as well as I deserve. Do I go through with it? Or is this just a typical case of cold feet?

Signed,
Ghost Bride


Dear Ghost Bride,
Whoa! Slow down. There is a lot going on here and I definitely wouldn't dismiss it as "cold feet." The first thing that caught my attention was "I'm not sure this is the man for me." Women have amazing intuition. I believe your body is trying to tell you something. If this was really the man for you, you wouldn't have this type of doubt. Second, you mentioned you are worried you won't find anyone else. That is absolutely not a reason to get married. I understand you're fearful you won't find someone else but getting married to the wrong person will create other worries that will be a whole lot worse! Third, you said he doesn't treat you right. Forget marriage: Why on earth would you even date a guy who isn't treating you the way you deserve? Marriage isn't going to change how your man treats you; if you keep in mind that people are usually on their best behavior while dating. I highly encourage you not to go through with this
marriage. If you are really adamant, however, I would strongly suggest seeking couples counseling.

All the best,
Kelli

People Don't Like You, Regifting, & Langauge Confusion

Dear Kelli,
I don't know if I'm crazy or not but it seems that everyone ignores me. I walk into a room, they walk out. I talk, they interrupt, or end the conversation. Is it possible people don't like me?

Signed,
Ignored and Hurt


Dear Ignored and Hurt,
Is it possible some people don't like you? Yes. Not everyone likes everyone. But is it also possible you might be too close to the situation to look at it objectively?

It's hard to help you without knowing more details. So let me give you some questions to ponder: Are these people you feel ignored by in one particular place (such as work)? Are you talking to people when it's a difficult time (such as during deadlines, in the bathroom, etc.)?

I'd like you to look deeper at this issue. Because it might not be about everyone else. It might be about you—and what you are imagining. If that's the case, you need to start thinking more positively about yourself. Let me ask you: If you really were okay with you, would you be as concerned if someone didn't like you? No, because you'd know you're great, right? So again, if the issue is about you and how you value yourself, I'd concentrate on improving your self-esteem. You can start with some affirmations ("I'm great the way I am"), writing a list of what you like about yourself, and/or volunteering. Or you can read some of my past blogs for more tips.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli
Thoughts on re-gifting?
Signed,
`Tis the Season to Re-gift?


Dear `Tis the Season to Re-gift?
I'm actually okay with re-gifting. Now before you start pulling out sweaters from 1970, let me clarify. If the gift is in good condition and relatively recent, I think it's fine. If you think that person would appreciate it more than you would, go for it. You know the saying: One person's junk is another's treasure. Just be careful not to re-gift an old friend's gift back to the same friend.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I love my babysitter but her English is horrendous. She's from another country and I'm just not sure she's understanding me or is getting what I need from her. Here's the kicker, though: She's great with my son. He hasn't connected with anyone else like that since he met her. Do I hire someone else to ease my anxiety about her understanding what I need? Or do I keep her because she's great with my son?

Signed,
Language of Confusion


Dear Language of Confusion,
I totally hear you on both fronts. On the one hand, you want to feel secure that she's understanding what you need from you or your son. On the other hand, she's great with your son and that's not always easy to find.

I have a few thoughts. If you don't know her native language, find it out. What if you translate the more important things (i.e. "Here are the emergency numbers," "Feed my son at this time," etc.) in her language? You can find a free translator company online. You can also print your needs for that day from the free translator. (Now this is assuming it's a widely spoken language. For an uncommon language you may have to pay for a translation system online or find someone to help you.)

Repeat what you say in a different way: "Dinner is at 5 pm. 5 pm is dinner." The babysitter may understand one version better than the other.

Additionally, ask her to repeat back to you. "Anna, what time was dinner?" to see if she understands.

Start interviewing other people and see how your son reacts to them. You may find he attaches himself just as easily to someone else. And you can have both: a babysitter who you're sure understands you well and connects well with your son.

I'm not sure how long you've had your sitter but I'd give it a few weeks and see how you feel. If you feel that the situation isn't improving with the suggestions I've made and you're still feeling uncomfortable, I'd try and find someone else.

Good luck,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: SAD, Sick of Being Single, Hate Taking Pictures

Dear Kelli,
It seems that every time winter comes, I feel down. I know about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and I may have it. I do plan to check this out with my doctor but in the meantime, what practical things can I do?

Signed,
SAD

Dear SAD,
For those who don't know, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a form of depression that occurs in relation to the seasons, most commonly beginning in winter. The symptoms include:

* Afternoon slumps with decreased energy and concentration
* Carbohydrate cravings
* Decreased interest in work or other activities
* Depression that starts in fall or winter
* Increased appetite with weight gain
* Increased sleep and excessive daytime sleepiness
* Lack of energy
* Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
* Social withdrawal


Some practical tips to help anyone (with or without SAD) in the winter are:

1) Go outside. Yes, it's cold and you'll freeze your tush off but you can layer up. The natural sunlight is great for hormone regulation and producing endorphins. If you do have SAD a doctor may prescribe a light box, which mimics the sun's rays.

2) Exercise. Yes, you've heard it from me before. Now go do it!

3) Enjoy the season. That means for winter, take advantage of skiing, sledging, snow-shoeing, etc.

4) Have a seasonal ritual. For example, in fall rake leaves with your loved ones. In the winter, make hot cocoa from scratch or rent a few movies every Saturday and build a fire.

5) Write down what you do like about winter. The sales? Comfort foods like hot soups or mac-and-cheese? House decorations? A brighter perspective on the season may make it more bearable for you.

6) Be your own Ansel Adams. That means take advantage of winter's beauty and start snapping photos. Could be a great new hobby.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and absolutely sick of of dating. No more bars. I'm done. Is there hope for me?

Signed,
Singled Out


Dear Singled Out,
So my first question is: Are you only pursuing dates only one way? (i.e., bars?). Is it time to explore in different areas? Online dating? Sports clubs? Set ups? The point is to try new ways because the way your approaching it isn't working. So I encourage you to get out of your comfort zone and do something different when it comes to dating.

If you can't even fathom a different way of dating at this point, maybe give it a rest for a while. That's okay to take a break if you need one. Everyone needs a time-out and a month or two can do wonders.

Finally, sometimes it helps if you surrender the situation. Just say to yourself, "It's okay I haven't found someone at this point. I know when the time is right it will happen for me. In the meantime, maybe someone is trying to tell me I need time to learn more about what I want in life."

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
This sounds silly but I hate having photographs taken of me. I mean, hate it. Now that the holidays are coming I know it's more time for "photo ops." Is there anyway I can get out of it?

Signed,
Picture Not Perfect


Dear Picture Not Perfect,
I validate your dislike of having your picture taken. You're not alone. These are my thoughts: First, tell your subjects beforehand. You can say something like, "Sandy, I'm so excited to come to dinner. Thanks again for having me. I have to tell you, I'm really uncomfortable with having my picture taken. I know it sounds silly. Is there any one I can bow out of this one this year?" If you don't feel bold enough to voice your concerns, my second suggestion is to offer to take the pictures at the events.

Now, I don't want to sound all therapist-y but you might want to explore why you hate being in pictures so much. Is it low self-esteem? Body dysmorphia? Just something you might want to explore, rather than avoid.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Dog Attached by Neighbor's Dog, Friend Gone Nuts, & Co-worker's Work Habits

Dear Kelli,
My dog was attacked by a neighbor's dog while I was walking my dog. It was an unprovoked out-of-the blue attack and the resulting injuries have run up an expensive vet bill. I plan to sue my neighbor for the cost of the vet's bill if she doesn't pay, but here's my question: Should I also report the dog to animal control? If I do, they'll investigate, require her to attend classes and add her to a "list." That means that if the dog attacks another dog or another person next time, it could be put to sleep. I don't want that to happen, but I'm also concerned that the dog might hurt another dog again -- or worse, a child.

Signed,
Puppy Pal


Dear Puppy Pal,
I'm sorry about your dog. What happened was scary and you are absolutely right -- dangerous both for other dogs and for children as well. And I also understand your dilemma about this dog being put to sleep if it happens again. I'm a huge animal lover so I hear you loud and clear.

So here is what I'm thinking: Go over to your neighbor's house and have a sit-down. First discuss what happened then hear her point of view. (If you allow her to feel heard she is less likely to be defensive.) Next talk about the vet bill and what she plans to do. After that, explain exactly what you told me: that you don't want to report her dog but are worried about other dogs' and children's safety. Ask her what she would do if the situation was reversed and see if she has any ideas that are appropriate. But if she doesn't have any suitable ideas, tell her you thought about this and you are willing for her to hire a dog trainer specializing in aggression or she and her dog could attend a similar canine class. If the trainer works with the dog for an extended period of time and believes the dog is okay -- and unlikely to harm other dogs and children -- you will not report the attack. Same goes for if the dog attends a class and passes. But your neighbor must show you the receipt and/or allow you to talk directly with the trainer.

In the meantime, please take pictures of the bite and document exactly what happened so you have a record.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I recently went on a camping trip with two other friends and we had a falling-out with one of them who happened to be a friend I've known for over ten years. This ex-friend became very argumentative and borderline dangerous, so after we got back from the one-week trip, we all went our separate ways. A week later he sent both of us a list of expenditures which included the initial hotel and transportation cost, and on top of that the cost of his own camping gear and bikes which he still has. We reimbursed him for the hotel and transportation but refused to pay for his things even though we all used them, because there was no prior agreement or understanding that we would cover those costs. He is relentlessly asking for this reimbursement, but he is unwilling to meet with us to discuss the matter.

In spite of attempts by both of us to reconcile with him, he has threatened to take us to court for $250 each. My lawyers are saying this would be a frivolous lawsuit. My medical friends think he may be having a psychotic breakdown, that he is trying to get attention, and may act out his anger even if we paid him off. We think paying what we do not owe would be giving in to extortion under harassing and intimidating conditions. However, his lack of self control of his latent anger (which I now realize has been probably brewing for quite some time) worries me. My question is: What should I do to minimize escalating his anger, as I do not want to give in to his financial demands?

Signed,
Looking Over My Shoulder


Dear Looking Over My Shoulder,
My question to you is this: In all the ten years of knowing your friend has he ever behaved like this? Did he show any of these "psychotic" traits when you were friendly? (Just trying to understand if this was uncharacteristic of him or he's always been a little off and you just dealt with it.) Usually people with anger issues or mental health issues exhibit these behaviors throughout the relationship and show "red flags."

My advice on how to minimize escalating his anger is to have no more contact with him. I'm tempted to say pay him off just so you don't have to deal with him anymore, but my fear is that your ex-friend has some serious mental health issues. The best way to deal with people like that is to have absolutely no contact with them (so they don't have anything more to grab onto).

If you simply looked at the situation rationally, you paid for your share and just as you said, you didn't have any agreement prior to the trip to pay him for the use of his equipment. Your other friend agrees, so it's really your word and your friend's word against his. I'm not a lawyer but chances of a successful lawsuit on his end are slim. It's doubtful he'd sue anyway. Lawyer bills alone might be the same, if not more, than what the lawsuit would be worth!

As I advised the previous writer, document everything that happened that weekend (and even previous "red flags" you noticed to prove mental health issues).

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I work in a team setting. I'm efficient, responsible, and get my work done without reminders. My teammates are more "relaxed." Things are always done in the 11th hour. I'm going out of my mind! How can I get them to think more like me?

Signed,
The Efficient One


Dear Efficient One,
Here's what's interesting: You didn't say your co-workers don't get things done; you just said things get done at the last minute. So the problem isn't the fact you have inefficient co-workers, it's that you have co-workers who work differently from you. That doesn't mean their work habits are wrong. It just means they have a different work style.

Listen, I'm on your side here. I'm like you: I get my stuff done. Pronto. And sometimes even early. But you just have to respect the fact that other people may take a different approach. Some people work better under pressure. (I know, how?) Others work better with more of a time frame.

You have to do your part, then let it go. In other words, submit your end of the deal (on your own time frame) and let the others submit their part of the project on theirs.

Of course, hold them accountable. ("Okay, John and Rick, I submitted Part A. So, John, you'll do Part B by 12 am, and Rick you'll do Part C by 12 am?")

Even though it's frustrating waiting for your co-workers, try not to let that influence your own work habits. I'm sure people respect your work ethic even if you've heard no comments on it outright. So continue to do good work and you can never be faulted.

Good luck,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Foot Fetish, Don't Want to Do Thanksgiving at M-Inlaws, & Man Watching Too Much Sports?

Dear Kelli,
I have a foot fetish. I could stare at people's feet all day long. Is this normal?

Signed,
Happy Feet


Dear Happy Feet,
Normal? Probably not. Insane? No. You have a foot fetish. Not the worst fetish I've heard. Look, everyone has a preference. Some like legs, others like feet. You're one of those. That's okay. In my opinion, as long as you aren't touching the stranger's feet, I think you're okay to admire them.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to tell my extremely persuasive mother-in-law that we don't want to come home for the holidays? We both want to stay here in DC, relax, and eat turkey in front of our own TV. She lives cross country. We really don't feel like schlepping on a five hour flight, waiting in line, and dealing with her force feeding that occurs every Thanksgiving.

Signed,
Homebound


Dear Homebound,
My first piece of advice is to have your husband manage his mother. When it comes to mother-in-law issues, it's in the husband's hands.

So have him do the dirty work.

Now if he is away or can't for some logical (key word, logical) reason, then I suggest you try telling the truth. Something like, "'Mom,' I have to be honest with you. We think it might be too much for us to fly out for Thanksgiving this year. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. We both have been feeling really drained lately and we're not sure right now we can withstand all the traffic and flying. This wasn't an easy decision, especially because we know how badly you want us to come out, so we thank you in advance for understanding."

Then end it. If she tries to guilt-trip you, you don't give in. You end it. Something like, "I know you really want me there, 'Mom' and I'm sorry we've come to this decision."

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
What's a reasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports? My husband watches 35 hours (yes 35!) of sports a week. It often takes the place of watching the kids, helping clean up, couple time, sex, etc. I'm getting fed up but wondering if I have reason to be.

Signed,
Not a Sports Fan


Dear Not a Sports Fan,
A unreasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports is at the point at which his wife feels their marriage has been compromised. You have every right to feel frustrated and annoyed. Thirty-five hours a week is a lot of TV time. It's a lot even if your husband is Michael Jordan.

So here's my advice. Stop being a doormat and start talking to your husband about it. Tell him your marriage is on the line. Yes, it's dramatic but it's also the truth. With 35 hours a week (and I assume he's also working?) when does he have time for you? And your kids? If he keeps on watching the amount he's watching, you're going to continue to feel ignored. And then eventually you're going to get resentful and possibly fall out of love. Maybe he doesn't directly mean to hurt you, but he is. He's also disrespecting your family. So you must say something. You have every right to feel "fed up."

It's one thing to have a passion and love for sports. And several hours a week is understandable. But 35 hours is a sign that something's not working. You need to have a sit-down with your man and discuss.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Spouse Gained Weight, Type A That Can't Slow Down, & Texting Daughter

Dear Kelli,
Okay, I realize I am going to sound shallow, but my wife has gained weight. Not just a few pounds but about 20 in the past 10 years. She was always thin. It definitely bothers me. It doesn't seem fair—this isn't what I married into. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

Signed,
Fat Woman's Husband


Dear Fat Woman's Husband,
Your feelings are your feelings. I never tell clients, "You can't feel this way or it's wrong to feel this way." You are most definitely entitled to feel the way you do. You're human!

Now is it justified to feel the way you do? Here's my answer: Yes and no.

Yes, it's justified to feel frustrated that the woman you married 10 years ago was 20 pounds lighter. She was a hottie then and you felt lucky marrying her. You didn't expect her to gain 20 pounds. Understandable. But let me ask you. Have you changed at all in the past 10 years? Wrinkles, perhaps? A little more gray? I have a feeling your wife isn't saying "I'm so resentful that my husband has more gray hair. This isn't what I married."

So I think there needs to be a little acceptance on your part that the woman you married 10 years ago wasn't going to stay exactly the same. I hear you that 20 pounds is a difference. But I also know you didn't only marry your wife for her looks. So I want you to think about the things that have changed in the past 10 years but for the better. Perhaps you're closer now? Have experienced more things together?

More importantly, however, there may be a deeper issue is why your wife's gained weight. Is she "emotionally eating"? Depressed? Maybe it's a thyroid issue? Perhaps you can talk about all of this. There might be a reason she's gained weight over the last 10 years.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm a definitely type A personality. I always need to GO, GO, GO! How can I slow down? I feel like it's virtually impossible for someone like me.

Signed,
Can't Wait


Dear Can't Wait,
Here's an interesting thought: Are you afraid that if you aren't busy, you won't feel important? Or that others won't view you as important? Are you afraid if you actually slow down and sit with the present moment, you won't like it? These are some of the reasons people who feel like they always have to be on the move don't like to sit still.

So realize your value isn't about what you do, how much you accomplish, or if you can get 10 errands done in one day. People don't care (they are too busy thinking about themselves). Here's an exercise that can help you to step back and slow yourself down: Write a list about what you believe makes you valuable. I bet you it's not how much you can do.

Be okay with doing nothing once in awhile. It's good for your body, mind, and soul to rest. Let that adrenaline take a break. It deserves it.

And I'd of course prioritize. Not everything has to get done in one day. Or 10 minutes. So make a list of the really important stuff and deal with that first.

And finally, meditate. I know. You are telling me you can't sit still, let alone meditate. But ironically, meditating will teach you to slow down.

Remember, less is more!

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My daughter is constantly texting. Yes, she's a typical teen but what I'm nervous about is when she drives. I don't want to take away her phone in case of emergency, and aside from drilling it into her head, what else can I do to ensure that she won't text while driving?

Signed,
Mom of Texting Daughter


Dear Mom of Texting Daughter,

I thought of a few things:

1) Have her watch the Oprah episode about teens who texted while driving. It's eye-opening to see firsthand what can happen.

2) On that note: have her sign the Oprah no texting pledge.

3) Tell her to keep her purse (with her phone) in the back seat. This way she isn't tempted to text at the stoplights.

4) Remind her of the message: no text is worth dying for (I saw that on a commercial and thought it was very powerful!)

5) Talk to other moms and see what they suggest.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Munipulative Friend, Co-worker clothes, Compliments

Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who did something horrible: She wanted a baby and essentially tricked the guy she was dating by saying she was on the pill when she wasn't. She's now six months pregnant and ecstatic. the problem is that I've lost respect for her. While I understand her longing for a child, I don't believe in how she went about it. Worse yet, the man she is dating told her upfront when they first started dating that he never wanted kids! Do I say something? Do I just not be friends with her?

Signed,
To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend?


Dear To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend,
Before you make any judgments I'd make absolutely sure you know exactly what happened. I just wouldn't want you to make your decision based on false information.

Assuming the information is absolutely correct, you have to ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who is capable of tricking a man she is dating into having a baby. I completely understand why you'd lose respect for someone like that. A person who'd do something like that is manipulative, selfish, and has shown a horrible disrespect for another person's wishes. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. Her actions would frighten me.

Still, I think you're past the point of saying something helpful about the situation. She's already six months pregnant, and you've seen what she is capable of. I would slowly exit the relationship. If she asks why, it's okay to be honest with her. Perhaps her wanting a baby overshadowed everything else, and you can mention that. The problem I have is with the man she is dating. It's not fair that this man is now a father because your friend wanted a baby. So you can point out how it's one thing to choose to change one's own life, but quite another to force her partner to change his life drastically as well. It should have been a decision they came to together, not something forced on him by her deceit. You can tell her that her actions have caused you to question her integrity and that has damaged your friendship.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
How do you tell a co-worker that what she is wearing is completely unflattering and downright unattractive?

Signed,
Want to Help


Dear Want to Help,
Urgh, I feel for you. You have good intentions and you just want to help this poor person look nice. But with co-workers, I believe it's more complicated than it is with a friend or family. You have a job in common and you don't want to say things that would jeopardize your working relationship, and/or your job for that matter. So I would just keep your mouth (and eyes) closed. I just don't think it's worth it. You never know how this person will react.

Now if this person asks you for your opinion, well, that's a different story. I wouldn't say something negative about what the co-worker is currently wearing but maybe point out what would look nice. For example, you can say something delicate like, "You know you have a great neckline (arms, etc.) and I think this particular style would be very flattering on you."

All the best,
Kelli

Dear Kelli,
What is the best compliment you can give to someone?
Signed,
Want to Be Nice


Dear Want to Be Nice,
The best compliment, in my opinion, is one that is the most genuine. So if you really admire someone's intelligence, that would work. Or someone's artistic ability -- talk about that. Whatever you focus on, you should speak from the heart and let the person know how you feel. Although any compliment is great, one that is really personal feels the warmest to me!

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Size of a Man's Package, BF Moving, & Clothes at Work

Dear Kelli,
Do women really care about the size of a man’s “package?”
Signed,
Always Wanted to Know

Dear Always Wanted to Know,
I’m going to speak generally here, no. Most clients I talk to say it’s not about the size but more about the ability. You know the expression: “It’s not the size of the wand, it’s the magic in the stick!”

And larger isn’t necessarily better. I know clients who’ve told me they’ve been with bigger men and it was extremely painful.

And small isn’t necessarily bad. I’ve talked to clients who told me they’ve been with small guys and had a wonderful time. So I think it all depends.

No fear. I believe more women are concerned with how much a man makes rather than the size of his “package.”

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My boyfriend and I were dating for 6 months when he asked me to move in with him. I was all set to do when he lost his job. Our relationship suffered and I felt really disconnected from him. We’re still dating but a week ago he got a job in San Diego. He decided to take it but didn’t ask me to come with him. Should I ask him to go? Or should I surprise him once he settles?
Signed,
San Diego Bound

Dear San Diego Bound,
Whoa there. Don’t pack your sunscreen. Don’t pack your bathing suit. In fact, don’t pack a thing. The man you’ve been dating hasn’t asked you to come with him. Let me repeat that. He hasn’t asked you to come with him. In guy code that means “it’s over.” I’m so sorry. I can tell you want this relationship to work but don’t you believe if he truly loved you, he’d want you to go with him? You deserve that.

I wouldn’t ask him, nor surprise him. I’d take it as a sign the relationship is done.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I like to wear low-cut things. That’s just my style. Well, my human resources manager came up to me yesterday and asked to speak with me. She said what I was wearing was inappropriate. I nodded because I didn’t know what else to do. Now I’m pissed. Don’t I have the right to wear anything I want?
Signed,
Erin Brocovich Admirer

Dear Erin Brocovich Admirer,
Yes, you have the right to wear whatever you want. Just not in the workplace. Dress however you want in your own home or out but you have to abide the rules at your work. Especially if you want to keep your job.

Job stability is so scary right now (did you read the above post?) so you want to do everything in your power to stay on top. Even though your appearance may have nothing to do with your work skills, some people may make assumptions or label you a certain way. And this may unconsciously affect their opinion about your performance. Perhaps HR is making a point that dressing too revealing is distracting to co-workers. It doesn’t really matter. The issue is that you need to start shopping for new clothes.

It sounds like maybe you know you aren’t dressing properly but are more insulted at the fact. Look, no one likes being told what to do and especially how to dress. But the workplace has it’s own set of rules and sometimes we have to bite the bullet to keep our paycheck.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Relationship with Mother, Just Sex, & Changed Man

Dear Kelli,
My sister and I, both in our late 30's, regularly analyze, bemoan, and talk to death the problem that our mom isn't really good at being a supportive mom. We're grateful that our family is healthy, happy, and in the local area, but I wish I could be closer to my mom and be able to go to her in a crisis That is not the case right now, and after learning the hard way, I'm much more likely to rely on my sister, my husband, and my friends for support. As a result, I don't discuss much of importance in my life with my mom, and that makes me sad.

Are there good words I can use to say to my mom? Perhaps: "Look, I'd love it if we had the kind of relationship where I could come to you to talk about the difficulties in my life and be supported." Instead what happens is that she usually says something very short and negative and not helpful: "Why on earth would you do that?" or "Well, all doctors are stupid. I can't believe they did that to you," or "What do you mean? I've never heard you say that before" (after reminding her about bad news) or "I'm so upset about this." And then she inartfully changes the subject, or gets off the phone, or puts my dad on the phone.

I know it's not personal -- she does the same thing to her friends. She says that she "can't stand all that crying." But I do take it personally in the sense that I feel like she is still the mom, even though we're all adults, and it would be nice once in a while if my emotional needs came first. Since I basically don't tell her anything about my life because it's more stressful to deal with her reaction, I do not feel like my emotional needs ever come first.

Since both my sister and I have ample support systems in place, should we give up this fight and stop being disappointed when our mom's reaction to bad news just adds to the stress of the situation?

Signed,
Hoping for a Different Reaction


Dear Hoping for a Different Reaction,
I'm sorry your mom isn't supportive, especially in the way you need. It's understandably frustrating for you. I think fundamentally we all want our moms to be there for us, to give us unconditional love, and to respond positively when we are reaching out. But sometimes that's not the case. And unfortunately, that's your situation. So you need to start taking some action.

First step is to grieve, then accept. It sounds to me that while you know in your rational mind that your your mom isn't the best support, you still can't accept that reality. So give yourself time to grieve over it. Grieve the fact your mom isn't there for you in the way you want her to be. Grieve the fact that you can't tell your mom about your life, and grieve the fact that you need to count on others to fill your emotional needs. Once you finish grieving, then you can start really accepting.

Next step? Utilizing the other supports in your life. The great news is that mentioned you do have a strong support system. Use them. That's what they are there for.

Finally, surrender. That means stop wishing your mom were different. She is who she is. So reframe the situation. Maybe she's not the best when it comes to emotional issues, but in what other areas is she helpful? Try to see her as a whole person-perhaps falling short in some areas but strong in others. Explore and investigate her strong areas. This way you can feel she is useful to you in some ways and you won't concentrate so much on how she isn't useful to you in others.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm madly in love with this man I've been dating for 6 months. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want to take it any further but is willing to have a purely physical relationship with me (just sex). I feel like I love this man so much, I'm willing to do it. But is that crazy?

Signed,
Anything for Love


Dear Anything for Love,
It's not crazy, it's just desperate. I certainly understand that you love this man but he doesn't feel the same. Having sex with him isn't going to make him commit to you-in fact, it may actually pull you farther apart. Why? Because if he's getting what he wants, he's less likely to court (or even respect) you. It shows there's some truth to the old expression: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" So no, I would absolutely not agree to this "deal." I'm sorry he doesn't feel the same and I know that's painful. But you can't give in to his needs in the hope that he'll feel closer to you. You're only compromising yourself.

What does it say about this guy that he just wants sex from you? Does that give you any insight into his character? Sometimes we fall in love with the challenge of a man, not the actual person. This man doesn't like a decent man who respects woman. Don't you want someone who cares for you and not just your body?

A lot of times woman are so insecure, they don't realize how valuable they are. You are very special and if you start believing it, other people will as well. You deserve the whole package-love, commitment, and intimacy. Not just sex.

Now kick this guy to the curb.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
How can I communicate to my wife that I've changed?

Signed,
A Changed Man


Dear Changed Man,
You don't communicate it to your wife -- you show it to her. You can't speak trust, you can only earn it. So prove it to your wife in whatever way demonstrates the change (e.g., spending less, showing more appreciation for her, not gambling, etc.). And be patient. If she's a smart woman, she'll know she's got to see the change for herself for a bit to actually believe it.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Paying Babysitter, Persistent Friend, & Husband Spending on Frivolous Item

Dear Kelli,
I tell my babysitter to come at 3:30 pm on Mondays and Wednesdays. She usually comes around 3:05 pm and then gets right to work. Do I have to pay her for the time she comes early? She usually helps immediately when she arrives but I really don't need her to start until 3:30 pm (although I certainly don't mind the extra help!) I've made it clear that she doesn't need to be at my house until 3:30 pm, so she is definitely aware.

Signed,
Should I Pay?


Dear Should I Pay,
No. I think you're okay just paying her for the time you told her to be there. It's her decision to come early, especially since you made the start time clear. If she wants to "volunteer" for those extra 25 minutes she is most certainly entitled to!

What would be nice, however, is to give her a generous holiday bonus to show your appreciation at the end of this year.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend whom I adore. We used to work together about four years ago. Well, she started her own company now is actually doing something very different from what we used to do. I like the idea of what she's doing but am not interested in actually being a part of it. She's invited to work for her on several occasions and keeps persisting. I feel bad and guilty saying no outright, so I keep saying, "Yeah, I'll think about it" or "Perhaps a little later on." But now she keeps bugging me about it, to the point I'm getting really frustrated. What can I do?

Signed,
Don't Want to Join Her Company!


Dear Don't Want to Join Her Company,
Well, you can start by being honest with your friend. Of course she keeps asking you about this opportunity: She thinks you may actually want to be a part of it! So it's time to be upfront and real with her. You can say, "I'm so sorry, Lisa. Although I think what you're doing is awesome, I don't think this is going to work out for me and I'm sorry if I led you in a different direction. I'll definitely let you know if I change my mind, and if you want, I can help you brainstorm other potentials."

Just take this situation as a lesson learned. It's better to be upfront the first time, rather than beating around the bush several times.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband is constantly on my case about spending. (Yes, I'm definitely the spender in the family.) Last week, however, he went out and bought an old fixer-upper car. He never spends but I can't help but feel annoyed. Why do we need a fixer-upper car? I'd rather put that money towards clothes or things I've been so careful about not spending our money on! Do I have the right to be mad or should I just let this one go, considering he never really buys anything?

Signed,
Fix This One


Dear Fix This One,
I'd let this one go. Yes, you have a right to feel frustrated. You've probably been watching every penny and here you are seeing your husband spend on what you think is a frivolous purchase.

So I have two things to say about this. First of all, it may seem ridiculous to you, but this car is probably super-exciting to your husband. Just like clothes are cool and exciting to you (and he doesn't get it), this is his favorite splurge. Plus, this actually may be a hobby for him, not just a one-time purchase.

Second, I actually think it's a good thing that he's spending money. First, because it's healthy for everyone to splurge once in awhile and second, because splurging reminds your husband that it's okay to be deserving. This way he can cut you some slack for the future!

So yes, let this one go. But if keeps purchasing and simultaneously telling you to save, then we'll talk.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Bio Dad Wants Back In, Sex Ed Good Idea, & Email Junkie

Dear Kelli,
The father of my children opted out of the picture many, many years ago. Since then I remarried and my current husband adopted our kids. Now my ex-husband wants to see the kids again. He obviously has no legal rights. But should I still allow him to see them? He's not a bad guy (no drug issues or anything). And my kids do know their current father is not their biological father.

Signed,
One Big Happy Family


Dear One Big Happy Family,
You sound like a compassionate person. I really respect that.

You didn't mention how old your kids are. That's a big factor. So depending on their ages, you could get their opinion on how they feel about seeing their biological dad.

If they are okay with it, I believe the safest bet is to have a get-together every once in awhile with all of you. Your ex, your current husband, you, and the kids. You can do it at a public place, like a park, or if you are comfortable with inviting your ex over, at your house for brunch or a family meal. That way, it's on your turf and you can call the shots.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My daughter's eighth grade class is going to be learning sex education. I'm so nervous about this! Do you think it's a good idea or should I take her out of the program? (She can do an alternate activity.)

Signed,
Proactive Mom


Dear Proactive Mom,
Yes, I absolutely think the program is a good idea. Studies show that children/teens who are informed about sex are less likely to engage in unsafe behavior.

Let me ask me you directly: What are you nervous about? Many parents are nervous that sex education program can "give children ideas" about sex. The reality is that most children/teens already know about sex, and if they don't at this point, the best way to learn is through a proper program and/or their parents, rather than from their friends, who may give them wrong information.

To feel more comfortable you can ask the teachers for an outline of the program. This way you will know exactly what your daughter will be learning. And you can always supplement the program with follow-up talks with their daughter.

My only advice if you choose not to have your daughter participate in the program is to make sure you have your own talks with her. Many parents make the mistake of not talking to their teens (due to the fears I mentioned). This is the last thing you want to do! You can buy many books on the subject on how best to communicate with her.

But again, I think your safest bet is allow her to participate in the program.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I feel like I'm addicted to email. I check it like 100 times a day. I have a cell with email, so I can check it on the go. I feel out of control when I don't get to check it (for example, I have a meeting). What can I do?

Signed,
Email Junkie


Dear Email Junkie,
I highly recommend you speak to a therapist. Not because you want to check your email constantly but because you said you feel out of control. Any time a client tells me they feel out of control, I know we have an issue and not just an annoyance. It almost doesn't matter what the addiction is. To me, this sounds like an anxiety disorder. Although you probably think it's about your email -- the important responses you want to get, the new meeting times, etc. -- it's really about your anxiety. I see your anxiety as the culprit here and it's really just rearing its head through your email obsession. Make sense?

So yes, talk to a therapist. We have to find out what is going on deeper here that is making you so anxious. Anxiety can also mask as depression, so that might be a factor for you, too. You have to ask yourself honestly what is really going on here.

In the meantime, try meditating, deep breathing, exercising, and getting some fresh light and air. I'd also try to set goals for yourself regarding checking your email (for example, this week, I'll check it 80 times, next week 70 times, etc.). I'm confident you can gradually wean yourself off the email in combination with therapy.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Firing Nanny, Jewish Fasting with Eating Disorder, & Daughter has Anxiety

Dear Kelli,
I need to fire my nanny. I'm so nervous and uncomfortable with any confrontation, let alone this one! My husband is better with this type of thing, but he doesn't have as much contact with the nanny as I do. Plus, I hired her in the first place. Is it wrong to have him to do?

Signed,
Nanny-less

Dear Nanny-less,
I absolutely want to empower YOU to have this confrontation with your nanny. (Now of course if you think there is any reason to believe there might be violence or harm to your children when you do it, absolutely have the police and your husband with you). Otherwise, this is a very good lesson for you about setting boundaries, dealing with uncomfortable confrontation, and being responsible.

Yes, it's hard. And yes, it's easier to have your husband do it. But you're an adult now. I don't mean to sound condescending, but adults have to deal with these situations head on. You have to be a positive role model for your children. If you continue to avoid uncomfortable situations, you will continue to not living in your reality. The reality is that some situations are sticky and crappy, but in order to work through them, you have to talk about it with the person.

It might help to write a list of possible outcomes that can occur when you let your nanny go. Perhaps thinking through the possibilities will make you feel more in control and will help better prepare you for what can happen.

Ask yourself what exactly you are afraid of about confrontation. A lot of my clients I talk who tell me that they don't like confrontation are really "people pleasers." They want everyone to like them and are scared that if they set a boundary with someone, that person will no longer like them. It's actually the opposite. Friends respect other friends who make good choices and respect themselves. You are respecting yourself when you set boundaries. And your nanny is not your friend in the first place; she's your employee and you need her respect, not her flattery or friendship.

I highly encourage you to do this one on your own. But if you are still strongly hesitant to do it alone, maybe you can have your husband in the next room for support.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
Let me first say I have a history of an eating disorder. I am very religious and want to honor Yom Kippur (the Jewish High Holy Day during which one fasts) but I'm nervous that it will mess with my eating issues. I've only been in recovery six months. What do you think?

Signed,
Need An Answer Fast


Dear Need An Answer Fast,
First, congratulations on your recovery with your eating issues. You've made some great strides and it's important to consider how you've made it this far. I'm sure part of that is knowing what your triggers are. And it sounds like fasting on this holiday may be one of them.

In my opinion, it's perfectly okay to honor this tradition without actually fasting. I'm Jewish and I know this holiday is about repenting for your sins. You can partake in all the normal rituals of this day aside from the fasting part. I also know there is a general understanding in the Jewish religion that Jews are excused from fasting if they are pregnant or sick. To me, this falls into the sick category.

Recovery from any addiction is the most important thing, and it needs to be tended to, especially in the first few years. I believe you are wise to take into account how this holiday will affect your disease. I also believe it's better to play it safe and not risk triggering your disease by fasting.

Just to let you know, I know many eating disorder patients who've been in recovery for years and still choose not to fast on Yom Kippur -- so know you won't be alone. Finally, remember that you are still a good person/Jew if you don't fast. It's not about the actual fasting, it's really about remembering the difficulties the Jews encountered and being accountable for your own personal sins.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My 9-year-old daughter and I witnessed a horrific accident two weeks ago. She has had trouble sleeping because of it and is scared we'll also get into an accident. I've tried having her sleep with her older brother, but she still wakes up in the middle of the night afraid. Help!

Signed,
Anxious Daughter


Dear Anxious Daughter,
I believe your first step is validating your daughter's fears. "Yes, it's possible we could get into an accident." Then reassure her it's not likely. "But the chances of it actually happening are very small." Then make her feel a little more in control by asking her, "What can we do to help prevent accidents?" She'll probably suggest putting on seatbelts, driving slowly, etc. Then go further with that and ask her what she can do when she feels nervous and/or can't sleep. You two can create a list together that she can keep by her bed. Some great ideas are:

1) Teaching her to stay in the moment and coming up with a mantra when she is scared. A good one she can repeat over and over again is: "I'm safe and relaxed."
2) Listening to relaxing music
3) Writing thoughts in a journal
4) Coloring in a coloring book

Reassure her that she can get through this. It's a good idea to direct her, but ultimately you want to teach her to sooth herself on her own. Finally, if after a few weeks, she is still having problems and it's affecting her everyday living, I'd highly recommend contacting a therapist.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Counseling Program Part II, Friend and Gift, & Child with Anxiety

Dear Kelli,
I wrote to you in July about my desire to go to grad school for an MA in Counseling at a university here in DC.

So I got accepted within a few days in August; it all happened just so fast and smooth. I really see this as a sign from the divine. While the school is very minimalistic and even looks primitive on the outside, the program is very good, in my opinion. After fulfilling 700 hours of my internship, I will be ready to get my license. It is a very rigorous program and very demanding, especially my first course, Research in Education, and I am scared: How am I am going to write all these papers and do the research, since English is not my first language, and the professor for this course basically told us if she sees 1 - 3 grammar mistakes, she automatically grades the paper as "zero," as grad school students are expected to write on the level of the grad student.

So here I am writing to you for some support and input. I guess I need counseling myself before I actually do this program!

Many thanks for your advice!

Signed,
What Next?


Dear What Next?,
First of all, a huge congratulations! I'm happy for your decision and I'm excited for your academic year. I know you'll do wonderful.

Of course you feel overwhelmed: You are looking at your whole entire program, not your first class, or even your first paper! Remember: Take it day by day. Just like it's one project a time, one test at a time, and one paper at a time. Try and stay present as best you can through this year. Anxiety stems from worrying too much about the future. So if you find yourself worrying about how you are going to get it all done, first remind yourself that you are "futurizing" and that you need to concentrate on today more than anything else. Somehow, someway, everything almost always gets done in time.

Some grounding exercises I like are:

1) Physically grounding my feet to the floor. I even take off my shoes and
socks. There is something about literally being reminded to "stay where my feet
are" that keeps me present.
2) Meditating.
3) Deep breathing. Inhaling from a count to 10, then exhaling from a count to
10.
4) Exercising in any form
5) Making a list of my worries, then what I can do about them. For example:
Worry: I won't be able to complete all my papers.
What I can do: Plan ahead, start my research early, work with a friend, meet
with the professor and ask the professor for help, etc.

These lists make me feel more in control.

I hear what you are saying about English not being your first language. But I can always guarantee you will not be the only one in the program! Remember, you were accepted by the university into the program because they had faith and confidence you could complete the program. Have that same faith and you'll do just fine.

All the best,
Kelli

Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who lives cross country. He was kind enough to come to my wedding three months ago. But I actually never received a gift from him. The thing is: It's very unlike him. He's normally super generous. I'm nervous the gift got lost. But what if it didn't and he never actually gave me a gift? I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Advice?

Signed,
Do I Dare Go There?


Dear Do I Dare?,
I'd wait another few months. Some people believe they have a year to give a couple a wedding gift. So maybe he's still sending you something. Try and be patient before you say anything.

Then I do think it's okay to say something. If this is your dear friend, you should have an open and honest relationship. You could say something like, "Mike, I'm so honored you made it to the wedding. But a few of our gifts got lost and I wanted to make sure yours wasn't one of them. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable in any way. If you didn't get us anything, I completely understand and don't feel you need to justify. I just wanted to make sure nothing got lost.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My almost 16 year-old daughter tells me that she worries about a particular issue/aspect and is not comfortable talking to me about it. She says that she is the one who put this negative thought into her head, and that the worry is very irrational and stupid. Deep down in her heart she knows that what she is worried about will not happen, but she has these negative thought/s that she creates, regardless the signals of her instinct.

She says since we create the situations in our lives based on our thoughts -- the power of the mind and positive/negative thinking -- she is now worried that even if she switches from negative thoughts into positive, the events will still end up negative, because she thought about it a lot, or she goes back and forth, switching her thoughts from positive to negative . Then, she says that she now has a habit to worry. When she stops worrying it feels abnormal, but she does not know how to stop. When I tell her may be we can see a therapist so she can talk to someone about it, she says that she is uncomfortable talking to a stranger. No matter what I tell her, how I tell her, she agrees with everything I say but can not change the thought pattern. She also tells me: "When I am happy, I immediately find a negative thought to make myself worry. It is as if I want to hurt myself by thinking negative thoughts." She also tells me that she knows how to stop but she just does not allow herself to stop. She describes it as a little "ball" inside of her that needs to come out, something that she developed.

Is there are anything I can do to help her?

Signed,
Positive Mom


Dear Positive Mom,
I applaud you for wanting to be proactive and help your daughter. The fact that she is opening up to you is a great sign and even if she doesn't tell you exactly what she's worried about, she's still coming to you for help. You're doing good work.

You were spot-on with having her see a therapist. Not seeing her myself, it's hard to know for sure, but your daughter could have an anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. All these are usually beyond a parent's scope and are best treated with a therapist's help. I highly encourage you to try and have her see a therapist who specializes in anxiety or a cognitive behavioral therapist.

I know you tried once to see a therapist and she wasn't so keen on the idea. So perhaps you could try something like this: "Sue, I believe a trained therapist can help you with your negative thoughts. I know you are uncomfortable talking to a stranger, but I'm thinking the negative thoughts you are having are probably MORE uncomfortable. And yes, the first time might be difficult talking to a stranger, but it will get easier each time you meet with her/him. I want you to feel better and I know this could be a solution. How about we just try it for a few sessions and you let me know what you think?" You could also empower your daughter by having her included in the decision of choosing a therapist. For example, choosing a male or female therapist, deciding what she thought with an initial phone conversation with him/her, asking your daughter to write down her questions, etc. And I would offer to come with her to the first few sessions, if that would help her to feel more comfortable.

Finally, in addition, you might want to suggest to your daughter some of the grounding exercises I suggested to the first reader.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Open Marriage, New Hobby, & Argument with Friends

Dear Kelli,
I'll been married seven years this September. Recently my wife confronted me and asked if we could have an open marriage. I was completely dumbfounded and confused. I said I wasn't comfortable with it and now she feels I'm being inflexible and "too conventional." Am I wrong to want to keep my wife to myself?

Signed,
Too Committed?


Dear Too Committed?,
You are absolutely not wrong to keep your wife to yourself. Seven years ago you both made vows to be exclusive with one another (and no one else!). I don't believe it's fair for your wife to call you inflexible or even too conventional when you both agreed to the institution of marriage. Just because she changed her mind doesn't make it wrong of you to still feel the way you do.

I believe there is a way to honor your wife's feelings, however, without resorting to an open marriage. It's not uncommon for couples to get bored sexually, but it's often something that can be remedied with a little creativity. I would tell your wife that although you aren't open to the idea of an open marriage that you'd be more than willing to fulfill her fantasies by yourself. For example, if she feels the need to be with someone else, perhaps you can pretend to be "someone else." Often times couples will go to a club separately, pretend to not know one another, then meet for the "first" time. If your acting's on par, this can be just as exciting as actually meeting someone new! You may enjoy it as well.

The main key to all this is really figuring out why your wife feels the way she does, particularly now. It may just be that you haven't been as attentive and she's missing that intimacy. Or she's unfulfilled in another area of her life and projecting that frustration out on your sex life. Or, as I mentioned above, she may just be bored and need some excitement from you. You'll only know the answers if you have a deep discussion with her about it. If you do talk and feel like you aren't making headway, I'd highly recommend a sex therapist.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I feel like I need something more fulfilling in my life. My therapist suggested I get a hobby. This sounds stupid but I honestly can't think of one. Do you have any ideas?

Signed,
Hobby-less


Dear Hobby-less,
I'm going to give you my suggestions but first I want to teach you how to fish. Here are a few of my favorite ways to gauge what interests you:

1) Write down the magazines you like. Magazines are a great way to gauge what we are interested in. Are you reading mostly health magazines? Fashion? Popular Science? From there you can always choose classes or activities that are in line with what you like to read about.

2) Find local classes through your community. You can always take classes (degree or non-degree seeking) at your local college. Ask for their latest schedule and it might spark some ideas for things you want to try.

3) Think about where you are really talented. Are you exceptionally artistic? Musical? Maybe you want to hone the skills you are already good at and choose to excel in those even more.

4) Think about what challenges you. So take the opposite approach here. Improve what you need help in. Never good at math? Maybe it would be good to take a numbers course. Can't draw a straight line? It would be great to take a basics art class then.

5) Ask around to see what classes others have enjoyed. Do any of them sound interesting to you? Ignite any interest? I've also created a few ideas below of things to do or places to go in order for you to explore things you love. If any of these don't float your boat or tickle your pickle, think hard about what does. Look, we all have interests; we just have to find them!

And just in case here is a list of random activities:

Acting
Book Clubs
Boxing
Brewing Beer
Calligraphy
Computers
Cooking
Dancing
Exploring a New Religion
Gardening
Gym Classes
Hangliding
Hiking
Jewelry Making
Karaoke
Learning a Language
Magic
Martial Arts
Papier-mache craft
Psychology Class
Rescuing Abused/Abandoned Animals
Rock Climbing
Scrabble Tournaments
Scrapbooking
Sewing
Singing
Skiing (snow or water)
Studying Business
Swimming
Yoga


Dear Kelli,
My friend and I got into the discussion of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. I breastfed my child, she formula fed. I'm not judgmental of her decision but when she said to me "Formula is just as good as breast milk. I've read studies," I got annoyed because I know that's not true. Was it wrong of me to say "That's not true."? Now things are awkward.

Signed,
Getting the Milk for Free


Dear Getting the Milk for Free,
The way a mother feeds their infant can be a very touchy subject. (Actually the way a mother does anything to their kid can be a touchy subject). I believe the main reason for this is that most mothers are very vulnerable. Some are scared of being judged, some want to be Supermom, and some feel insecure with their decision, so they state facts or reasons ("I've read studies" or "But my pediatrician says...")

All or any of this could be the case with your friend. I don't know. What I do know is what you said to your friend wasn't out of line. It sounds like you weren't picking a fight with her, just disagreeing with her. That's perfectly okay. To me, true friendship consists of honesty (and sometimes a healthy dose of debate).

I'd reiterate this all to your friend. Tell her you love her -- 2 percent or
skim. It doesn't matter. You enjoy her company, her kids, and her friendship.

There's no need to get into a further discussion on the topic (or bring pamphlets stating your point). If she brings it up again, just say, "You know, I'd rather not get into it" and move on. You're entitled to feel the way you do, as does she. Even if you are right, she may not be willing to look at the truth at this point.

Just know this probably won't be the first of last time you get into another mothering discussion, with this friend or someone else. Again, that's okay. I think the key is not letting yourself feel worked up and out of control. A good practice is actually stating the other person's point of view, so they feel heard (and vice-versa). If you don't feel heard you can always say, "Stacy, I'm not sure you're understanding my point. What do you think I'm trying to say?" What helps me is to remind myself not everyone is going to agree with me no matter how hard I try!

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Boss Problems, Doormat, & Friend is Always Late

Dear Kelli,
I'm pretty sure my boss doesn't trust me a whole lot. As a result, she tends to micromanage me and I am very unsure of what she really wants to be involved in and at what level. In the past I have not had this trouble with other bosses. I am currently looking for another job since I've been in the office for more than 7 years in various positions and I'm ready to move on. In the meanwhile, I'd like to have a smoother relationship with my boss. I'm a Fed, so the process of finding a new job could take a while.

She and I have been working together for about three years. In the past she has gone through cycles where she gets stressed out and overwhelmed with everything she has to do because she is not a good delegater. The next part of the cycle is where she tells me that she cannot attend and/or lead meetings related to the projects I work on because she's not necessary to the project. Then she starts asking many questions about the projects at inappropriate places (the hallway, the ladies room, the cafeteria, etc.) and I am not able to answer her question intelligently without my notes and/or some preparation. Because of my lack of ability to update her at a moment's notice in the restroom, she then swoops in and sort of takes over whatever meeting is coming up next on that project to try and "rescue" it, or she assigns part of the project to an outside contractor, or she involves another office from our organization.

This hasn't happened in a year or so, but just today she's sent me a few emails about not attending meetings. How do I stop this cycle from happening again? I know I need to talk to her, but she and I don't have fabulous communication with each other, and I think I inadvertently offend her a lot or make her mad because I state my opinion, which is not always her opinion. Once she makes a choice I then support it. But somehow stating something contrary before she makes a final choice just makes her angry.

I know that if she trusted my judgment more this wouldn't happen, but besides doing a good job and checking in with her on a very regular basis, I don't know how else to build that trust. Just today, it wasn't until a coworker echoed my opinion and rationale for a choice for the look and feel of a new website (a project she has asked me to lead), that she made that choice. This was after we asked an editorial board of their opinion and the votes were tied. Things like this happen all of the time. It's like I'm not using the right words, and when coworkers use the same words they get a totally different result from the boss.
HELP.

Signed,
No More Swooping


Dear No More Swooping,
Yes, it's definitely time for a conversation with your boss. Yes, I know it's uncomfortable, awkward, and the last thing you want to do, aside from scrubbing
toilets in a prison cell, but it needs to happen. People tend to forget that bosses are people too. So she probably senses something is off as well. If you get nervous, remember asking her for this conversation is taking initiative, being assertive, and being goal-oriented (all great work-related qualities).

Start first, however, by covering your own tush. Write down all the great things you've done in the last six months. If your department does reviews, get your last one so you can see where you've improved (and can prove this). Then brainstorm a few ideas of how you think your relationship with your boss can be improved (example: your boss attending meetings, setting up specific times with your boss to talk rather than in the bathroom, etc.).

Then have the sit down. Here's the good news: I believe you get your point across without admitting the obvious (that you don't feel she trusts you/you have poor communication). You could something like, "I believe we can improve our work relationship even more. I had a few ideas but I'd love to get your feedback as well." Then if she asks for your ideas, be sure to be diplomatic and spin it in a way that makes you look positive. For example, instead of, "Boss, it really bothers me when you catch me off guard to talk about the projects," something more constructive would be: "Boss, it's great that you want to check in about the projects I'm working on but I'm thinking if we set up a specific time and place, I could be even better prepared. It helps me to have a specific time so I can get any questions I have for you ready." And as far as her attending the meetings, perhaps you could say something like: "And Boss I
know it's hard for you to attend meetings but do you think we could set up a few that work better in your schedule? I know it definitely helps me when you're there, and I'm thinking it might be good for the team as well."

Finally, this is a long shot but what about if you asked HR about a trust
building day/departmental outing? That could help your relationship as well.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm what you'd call a doormat. I'm afraid of confrontation so I never say what I really want. I let other people get their way just so I don't have to deal with the uncomfortableness of speaking out.
Thoughts?

Signed,
Doormat


Dear Doormat,
Nothing is going to change with other people, if you're behavior doesn't change. So it's time to stop being a doormat and start being a human being. A human being is someone who has a variety of wants and needs. And those wants and needs are going to differ for each person. This is normal and perfectly okay! Just because you feel differently from someone else doesn't make you mean, rude or less than someone else. If anything, it makes you interesting and unique! If you continue to go along with the crowd, not only are not being honest with your friends, but you are certainly aren't being honest with yourself.

There is a huge difference between being assertive and being aggressive. I'm wondering if you're confusing the two. Both are asserting your needs but being assertive is doing it in a nice, calm way, and there is nothing wrong with that. Think for a moment. Have you ever been truly upset if someone tells you what they need in a nice, calm way? If anything, you've probably been impressed with their ability to tell you what they want.

I would suggest role playing your assertiveness with a trusted friend or family member so you can start feeling a bit more comfortable. It might sound silly at first but it will help get your feet wet. I'd also write down your fears about telling people what you want and come up with a counter argument. For example, Fear: "I'm scared that if I tell people what I want, they won't like me." Counter argument: "Then they aren't my real friends anyway. Real friends like me for me--and they don't base friendship on whether or not I disagree with them." Finally, visualize a person you consider assertive. Think about what you like and respect about that person. Use that as your model next time you tell someone what you need.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli
My friend Jackie is always late when we have plans. It drives me CRAZY! What can I do?

Signed,
The Punctual One


Dear Punctual One,
Oprah tells the story of how she was always late with her trainer Bob Greene. One day Bob said something along the lines of: "My time is just as important as yours. When you're late, you're basically saying your time is more important than mine." This is absolutely the truth. So if you have enough guts, you could always say this same message to your friend. Tell her you love being with her but when she's late, she's not realizing it interferes with your schedule as well.

The second option is to take the opposite route and just surrender. In other words, just know that Jackie is just always going to be late. You can be proactive, though, and schedule things knowing she's always late. For example, if you want to eat lunch together at 12:30 pm, "tell" her to meet you at 12 pm.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Stay-at-home Wife, Bragging Cousin, & Noncommiting Boyfriend

Dear Kelli,
I'm a stay-at-home wife. I'm not a stay-at-home mom (we actually don't have kids), I'm "just" a wife. I take care of the housework, dinner for my husband, pack him lunches, etc. It works well for us. When I tell people I don't work and "just" stay at home, they don't understand. I constantly get questions, odd or rude comments, or strange looks. How do I handle this?

Signed,
Just a Housewife


Dear Just a Housewife,
I believe the first step is YOU feeling secure with your role. You say it works well for you and your husband, so start believing it. Then start acting like it. If you come off as insecure when you tell people your role, they are more likely to give you looks or be more inclined to make comments. But if you stand proud and say, "I feel blessed/grateful/appreciative to take care of my husband and the house, and I really love doing it," it will be harder for people to make comments or give you looks. My best guess is that a lot of these people making comments are jealous. Perhaps they would like to be in your shoes and are asserting judgment because it's a way of making them feel better about their lives. So if you can, brush off their comments as envy. And if talking about your role still makes you feel uncomfortable, you can always focus on theirs.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm fairly close with my cousin Jessica. She's great except for one thing. She constantly brags about her new things: her new iPhone, her new computer, her new outfit, etc. It would be great but I don't share the same lifestyle she does.
I can't afford half the stuff she buys! Is there anything I can say to make her stop bragging? I really like her except for this quality.

Signed,
Bring and Not Brag


Dear Bring and Not Brag,
There are a couple of ways to handle this. The first is a little self-deprecating. You could say something like: "Jessica, wow. I love hearing about all your new things but I have to be honest. It's making me pretty jealous. I wish I could afford all that nice stuff too. Hearing about all your new things makes me feel like my life isn't as good. Since I'm feeling pretty down lately would you mind if we don't talk about material things? But I would love to talk about your new job, your new boyfriend, etc."

The second way I suggest is a little more abrupt. Each time Jessica starts bragging about her new item, cut her off. "Oh wow. Listen Jessica, that sounds great but I have to run an errand in a second. Let me call you later." If you do this enough times, she'll hopefully get the hint.

Finally, you could change the subject on her. "You know, Jessica, that new iPad sounds really cool but what I really want to hear about is your daughter's piano recital."

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 2 years. He's signing a new lease in a month and hasn't mentioned a thing about me moving in with him. When I did bring it up, once he said, "You know me, Anne. I'm not the committing type." What does that mean? How can we be exclusive, yet he doesn't want to take things further? What do you suggest?

Signed,
Moving on Up?


Dear Moving on Up,
What do I suggest? First of all, not dating a guy who fully admits he's "not the committing type." This guy is putting it out there plain and simple: He not only doesn't want to commit, but he doesn't want to commit any further with you. I'm sorry to be harsh but I want this to hit home with you. You want more from this relationship then this guy can give. This dude may be happy just being exclusive and not wanting to go any further, but be honest with yourself in the fact that you aren't. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! So don't waste any more time with a guy who doesn't want to live with you. A man who is really in love with you will want to live with you. And believe me, you'll find one that does! (My only piece of advice there is: Don't wait two years to find out he's not the committing type!)

Good luck,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Guys Whistling, Friend's Smelly Dog, & Economical Clothes

Dear Kelli,

I absolutely hate it when guys whistle or even look at me on the street in that way. I find myself giving them dirty looks back. What can I say to them to make them stop?

Signed,
Piece of Meat


Dear Piece of Meat,
It sounds like what you're feeling when guys whistle or stare at you is degraded. I can certainly understand that but I'm also wondering if you can look at this situation in another way. Because here's the thing: it's not like telling one particular guy to stop is going to make the rest of the male gene pool stop, too. So I'm thinking you can embrace the comments. You are a hot mama, time to enjoy it! Even though it may not be in the most graceful manner, a whistle or a look is still a compliment. So try looking at the whistles at a form of flattery, rather than a form of harassment. I actually wouldn't say anything to the guys if you want them stop. I'm nervous you are only going to attract more comments! So perhaps you can take contrary action and say "thank you" or even smile. If that feels like too much, you can just move on without
saying anything (no dirty look necessary). Chances are, if you move on without
making a big deal, the guys won't either.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
This is going to sound petty but here goes. I have a dog and so does my dear friend. We go walking a lot or just hang out together with the pups. The issue is that her dog really smells. Is there a delicate way to tell her to wash her pooch?

Signed,
Smelly Dog


Dear Smelly Dog,
I have an idea. What if you and your friend went to this cool new groomer shop you found last week? (And if money is an issue you can always suggest washing the pooches together at someone's place).

If that still doesn't work, just be honest: "Betty, you know I adore Fido. He's adorable and so much fun. But I've noticed he may need a bath. I know Spot really needed one last week!"

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm so sick of my clothes. Any suggestions on inexpensive clothing stores?

Signed,
Want to Be Trendy (But Economical)


Dear Want to Be Trendy (but Economical),
Girl, you are speaking my language! I'm a huge fan of TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Nordstroms Rack, and Ross. You know the saying "brand names for less"? You'd be surprised at what you can find at these joints for cheap! Consignment shops are an option too -- although more hit or miss, in my opinion. And don't forget to check out the sale racks at the end of seasons at department stores like Macy's. As for shoes: Payless is always a good option.

Finally, I just want to say I've always found it okay to splurge on basic pieces (black pants, black skirts, white collared shirts, classic white t-shirts, etc.)
because chances are you'll use these pieces often.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Counseling Advice, Getting Frustrated Easily, & Misprounced Name

Dear Kelli,
I am a 39 year old female, MA graduate of a foreign university. I am planning to apply to Trinity University in DC to their MA Counseling program. Kindly advise when looking into programs in counseling with any university -- what do I really need to keep in mind? Also, for future job opportunities and financial success/stability in the field of counseling, does it matter which school I will graduate from? And on a different note, in your opinion, what is the key to success of a good counselor?

Many thanks for your time and response! Very grateful for your column.

Signed,
Counselor-to-Be


Dear Counselor-to-Be,
Congratulations on your decision to become a counselor. It's a wonderful career choice and I think it's great you are being proactive in learning all you can before you enroll.

I actually have my Masters in Social Work (MSW), not a Masters (MA) in counseling or psychology. So I can't speak too much from experience on the MA programs, but I'll give the scoop on MSW programs. With that being said, I'd definitely recommend you also speak with someone who has their MA so you can get a more balanced perspective.

First I'll tell you why I chose an MSW over other types of counseling degrees aside from PhDs. I felt the MSW was a very versatile degree. For me specifically, I felt it left more options open. I also liked that it was a degree well known to the public and that I was able to get credentialed/licensed in all states with it. Finally, I knew insurance companies would reimburse for my services (definitely something to consider!)

Degrees in the counseling field can be flexible as far as jobs go, but they can also get very specific. So my first question to you: Do you have an idea of what you want to do when you graduate from the masters program? Although you may change your mind after you finish your program, it's also good to think about this before you even begin. For example, if you know you want to be a school guidance counselor for a public school in Maryland, the job requires specifically a Masters in Counseling (MAC) and won't accept any other type of counseling degree. If you do have an idea of what you want to do, perhaps you can get verification on what specific degree the job requires. It never hurts to get more information. I would hate to see someone spend all this time and energy on a counseling program only to learn that the job they wish to pursue requires a different degree!

So again, I'm sorry I don't know more about MA programs but I can tell you about MSW schools. Generally the MSW programs are broken down in two categories: clinical (also called direct practice) or macro practice. Clinical focuses on direct practice with clients while macro focuses more on community or public policy. That isn't to say you can't do public policy if you graduate from a clinical program or vice versa. It's just what the school focuses on.

As far as job opportunities after you graduate, my guess is that the school itself isn't necessarily going to matter too much. That isn't to say I wouldn't recommend going to the best school you can get into. But I think getting a job will really boil down to your experience and what you can bring to the job. If you do go the social work route, the most important thing is to pick a school approved by the Council on Social Work Education (CSWE).

Finally, in my opinion, a successful counselor is one who can emphasize with a situation (not just sympathize), utilize different models of therapy (cognitive behavioral, systems theory, etc.), operate at a pace comfortable with the client, has a balance of self-disclosure, and is a good listener. I also think it helps if the therapist is well-rounded, nonjudgmental, and models appropriate boundary control.

Please let me know if you have any other questions.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
Since the tornado hit this weekend and our power went out, I found something out about myself. I get extremely frustrated and angry when things don't go the way I planned. I was so annoyed we didn't have air conditioning or electricity I almost hit the roof! Any suggestions?

Signed,
Not Going Amish Anytime Soon


Dear Not Going Amish Anything Soon,
My meditation teacher once told me the best way to get through life is to have no expectations. His theory was that people get upset because their expectations haven't been met. Even just having the insight to realize "Oh, this is different than what I was expecting" helps to see that although we may plan all we want, our life isn't really our own. There's a great expression: "We plan and God laughs."

I also like to see what I can learn from a situation I didn't want or plan to happen. So for example this weekend I learned that I take "little" things like electricity for granted. It was a nice reminder that boy do I have it good! It was also a nice global reminder that not everyone has the amenities we have. Sometimes suffering is good. It puts us in perspective!

Finally, I like the rationale that everything happens for a reason. It helps me when I'm in traffic or have missed an appointment. It also allows me to let go of "what should have been."

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My name is Meleah (pronounced Ma-lee-ah). I recently started a new job about three months ago and since my start date, my co-worker keeps calling me Miliah (Millie-ah). I know I should have corrected him from the start but I didn't want to embarrass him. How do I tell him he's calling me the wrong name? Is it too late?

Signed,
Meleah


Dear Meleah,
It's absolutely not too late! It's been three months, not three years! Could you imagine if you let this slide for another three months, then another, and yet another? So better now than even later!

I understand this is a delicate situation so I'd approach it two ways:

1) Make it very light-hearted and about you. You can say something like, "Hey Bob. I know I have a unique name. And it's often really hard for people to pronounce. But I wanted to let you know it's pronounced Ma-lee-ah. A good way to remember is it's like Leah with Ma upfront. Please don't sweat it. People do it all the time!"

2) If that is too hard, I'd approach a co-worker who does pronounce your name correctly and ask his/her opinion. Hopefully that person will say, "Oh, no problem I will tell 'Bob' he's mispronouncing your name." If not, I would ask that co-worker if they wouldn't mind hinting gently to Bob on your behalf. And they don't even have to outright tell him. They could just say your name correctly a few times. For example, "Hey, have you seen Meleah's spreadsheet? I was really impressed. Meleah sure does not how to work that Powerpoint."

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Organized or Disorganized Partner, Baby Names, and Celebrity Obsessed

Dear Kelli,
How does a couple navigate the distance caused by one partner being organized and one partner being disorganized? I am organized; my partner is not. I try and respect our differences and see the benefits each brings, but this difference raises challenges in our relationship from time to time. For example, he volunteered to organize our vacation, but failed to do so until I "forced his hand" when it was less than a week away! His failing to plan hurt my feelings terribly, but I know he's completely confused as to why. He is a very caring, considerate, and generous partner, so I am inclined to chalk it up to "lessons learned," but are there strategies we can employ to better deal with this on a day-to-day basis?

Thanks,
Confused but Hopeful


Dear Confused but Hopeful,
Okay, you're going to hate me but I have to say it: There isn't much you can do to change your husband's personality. That isn't to say there isn't much we can do to change the situation, but as far who your husband is: This is it. And I think the first step is just accepting that. I know. It stinks but it gets easier. The next step is turning that "flaw" around and looking at it for its merits. For example, your husband may not be the most organized person but perhaps that means he is more laid-back and relaxed in general? So for you that means more freedom when it comes to decisions like furniture, restaurants, etc. With each person's flaw or "challenge" there is also a benefit. So try and see if you can see that benefit in your case. Sometimes that change in perspective change help you, especially at the time you're frustrated.

Well, enough of the fluff part. It's understandable that you're frustrated with your husband's disorganization. I get that. But I'm wondering if you're enabling him by constantly picking up the slack for him. In other words, he knows he doesn't really have to do the work if you'll pick it up in the end. So why not try to pull back a little? Yes, this will be torture for you. But it will be a fantastic lesson for your husband. He will learn he actually has to do something. Without you. The first time he may not do it at all. But that's the best part. He'll finally learn that he has to do it because no one else will anymore. It's learning the hard way!

I'd also be prepared that how he does things may be different from you. But different doesn't equal bad or wrong. I always have to pick my battles and remember I'd rather something be done differently than not at all.

Finally, you could stress the importance of what it is you want done and empower your husband so he feels good and powerful. So for a future vacation something along the lines of, "Alan, this vacation means so much to me. You have no idea how happy I am that you chose to take this on. I know you'll plan a wonderful trip for us and I know I'll love whatever you pick. I'm really happy I can trust you to get it done." It's a little guilt-trippy but it should do the trick!

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'll start out saying I had a pretty complicated birth with my son. I ended up in the ICU for 3 days and after I returned home still had complications for 30 days.

But here's the real story. My mom has been friends with a woman named Patty for many years. About a year ago, Patty's daughter Bianca named her female child Jordan. I liked the name for my son and also named him Jordan. My mom's friend Patty got remarkably upset because I chose the same name as her daughter. Now my mom's relationship with Patty is strained. Am I crazy or is this plain ridiculous? Not only am I not really friends with Bianca but she and her daughter live in another state!

Signed,
Name Blame


Dear Name Blame,
Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. Your health and the baby's health should have been the focus here, not the name of the child.

It sounds like Patty has some emotional issues. Clearly no genuine friend would place more importance over a name than their friend's daughter's health and the birth of a new baby.

No one has a patent on a name and to be so petty as to strain (or end) a relationship over a name shows Patty's true colors. Your mom learned something very important though: A true friend is labeled by her actions, not by their history.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm just curious if my "addiction" is cause for concern. I am obsessed with celebrity gossip. I'm embarrassed to say it but I buy (and subscribe) to about five different gossip mags. I watch "Access Hollywood" every night and I Tivo "TMZ". What do you think?

Signed,
Should Be One of the Paparazzi


Dear Should Be One of the Paparazzi,
The best way I can answer is this: Do you feel this "addiction" is taking over your life? In other words, is it replacing friends and/or family? Do you get anxious if you didn't read the latest magazine or you've missed one of the TV shows? Do you feel like you honestly can't stop thinking about celebrity gossip? These answers will give you deeper insight as to whether or not this is a true problem for you.

An addiction usually signals a void in one's life. So most likely you are using these magazines and shows as an escape and a way to fill up where you feel a loss. Answer this question honestly: Are you lonely? Angry? Depressed? I'd recommend talking to a counselor to see what is really going on. Because as much as it seems like it's a genuine interest in knowing what is going on with celebrities, it could really be a way for you to feel farther away from your own feelings.

Again, I'm not saying it's bad to read celebrity gossip (I'm curious myself about what will happen with Lindsay Lohan). I'm just saying it becomes an issue or an addiction when you feel it's controlling your life.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Herbs for Anxiety, Mom Wants Daughter to Wear Makeup, & Husband Wants Time Alone

Dear Kelli,
Although I appear to be the all American super happy girl next door, I keep on screaming from within. For the past 3 years I've been suffering from reoccurring panic attacks and depression episodes. I keep a super healthy lifestyle, diet, exercising, even gave up on smoking, but I can't get better. Every time I seem to overcome, it comes to hunt me back with no reason (I'm a really happy and positive person). I don't want to spend my life in pain. Can you recommend a more natural remedy to help me get my life back? I take my meds and started to see a therapist but I've heard that acupuncture and some other more natural remedies can help. The media seem to be flooded with info and it is hard to know what's really worth a try.

Signed,
Butterfly in a Cage


Dear Butterfly in a Cage,
Thank you for writing. For liability purposes I have to tell you I'm not an herbalist, doctor, or a nutritionist, but I can give you my personal opinion. Of course you want to check with your MD before you try any of my recommendations below.

I found the best combination for anxiety or depression is cognitive behavioral therapy and medication and/or herbs. So your first step would be to seek a therapist. You can help anxiety in the short-term with herbs, but you want to get to the root of the issue and discover why you are anxious in the first place. We want to remedy the situation, not just the symptoms!

In the meantime, however, I personally found a few herbs that help take the edge
off.

For anxiety:

L-theanine (it's an amino acid found in tea leaves). You can find it at a
natural foods store. The nice thing about this is that it starts working in 20
minutes. Use as directed but I'd tried 200 mg in capsules form.

Valerian in tincture or capsules. Use as directed but I've tried about 40 drops
of tincture up to five times a day or 300-400 mg capsules twice a day. *Please
note although valerian has few side effects, taking the dried herb for more than
3 months may cause headaches and restlessness. Avoid the herb entirely if you
have a liver condition or you are taking any drug that depresses the central
nervous system (including alcohol).

Lemon balm is very calming and makes a nice tea.

A few other suggestions:

1) Avoid caffeine entirely

2) Keep a food diary to see if you can detect any correlation between your
attacks and specific foods you eat. Food allergies can sometimes invoke panic
attacks.

3) Try to meditate, do yoga, and/or something relaxing daily.

4) Learning breathing techniques. The mind follows the breath, so if you can
slow your breathing, you can slow your thinking.

For depression:

St. John's Wort (read bottle for specifications). *Please note: St. John's Wart
may interact with certain drugs

5-HTP (read bottle for specifications).

SAMe (read bottle for specifications). *Please note: do not use if you have
manic-depressive disorder or take certain antidepressants.


And yet a few more suggestions:

1) Increase your Essential Fatty Acids (EFAs). Examples include fish, flaxseed, primrose oil, etc.

2) Continue to exercise. It increases endorphin production.

3) Get as much natural light as possible and when it's winter consider purchasing a light box.

4) Be careful with artificial sweeteners (some say they block formation of serotonin).

5) Listen to music.

6) If you are an animal lover, surround yourself with pets.

Again, please talk to an MD before trying any of the above.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm a minimalist and a naturalist. My mom is more, let's just say, the Joan Rivers type. She always gets on me for not wearing makeup. She says things like, "You'd look so much prettier if you wore eyeliner or a little lipstick." How do I get her off my case?

Signed,
Bare and Proud


Dear Bare and Proud,
It sounds like you are proud of who you are and for that I applaud you. Often times are parents can be our harshest critics and their feelings/impressions can sometimes overtake our own. So the fact that you are okay with how you look is phenomenal. It sounds like you have a healthy self-esteem.

I would have a sit-down with your mom. Give her an example of something you like to do but she doesn't (i.e. camping, yoga, etc.). You can start with "Mom, it's no secret we both have different interests. For example, I love yoga but I know you hate it." Then let her know you are okay with that. "And I respect that. You like shopping and I'm not that into it. But I would hope that I never made you feel bad about not liking yoga. You are who you are and I know I can't force you to like something you don't." Then I would bring in the current situation. "But Mom, it's the same thing with makeup. I know you like it, but I don't. And I wish you'd respect that about me." Then make it personal. "And it actually hurts my feelings when you mention that I should be wearing it. It makes me feel like you aren't okay with me without makeup. Would you please respect my feelings about not wearing it? I'm not planning to wear it but I
promise you if I do, you'll be the first to help me pick out the right colors."

But it may not be about your mom being shallow. You can check in with her to see if this is really about looking pretty or if it's actually about bonding. Your mom may want you to wear makeup because that is such a strong part of her identity and she wants to share that with you. If that's the case, you can suggest other bonding activities you both like to do.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
How can I get my wife to understand I just need some alone time once in a while? She gets hurt if I want to spend time watching TV downstairs or want to go fishing.

Signed,
Husband on a Short Leash


Dear Husband on a Short Leash,
What you're feeling is not uncommon. Both for wanting to spend time alone and for feeling bad that your wife is hurt. But taking time for yourself is not only healthy but necessary for your own well-being and your relationship. The first step to talking to your wife: Remind her of all that. Couples need time apart to reconnect. Absence makes the heart grow founder, remember? Second, remind her it's not personal. We women are sensitive creatures, so make sure to tell her it's not that you don't want to be with her. You love her, you love being with her, but you also need your cave-man macho man time alone. It makes you feel like a man (I know, I know. But you need to speak her language). Don't forget to tell her that time alone allows you to get excited to see her again. Finally, when you do set up a time alone, plan an activity with your
wife immediately when you return. This way she won't feel as neglected and will have something to look forward to.

All the best,
Kelli