Ask Kelli: Firing Nanny, Jewish Fasting with Eating Disorder, & Daughter has Anxiety

Dear Kelli,
I need to fire my nanny. I'm so nervous and uncomfortable with any confrontation, let alone this one! My husband is better with this type of thing, but he doesn't have as much contact with the nanny as I do. Plus, I hired her in the first place. Is it wrong to have him to do?

Signed,
Nanny-less

Dear Nanny-less,
I absolutely want to empower YOU to have this confrontation with your nanny. (Now of course if you think there is any reason to believe there might be violence or harm to your children when you do it, absolutely have the police and your husband with you). Otherwise, this is a very good lesson for you about setting boundaries, dealing with uncomfortable confrontation, and being responsible.

Yes, it's hard. And yes, it's easier to have your husband do it. But you're an adult now. I don't mean to sound condescending, but adults have to deal with these situations head on. You have to be a positive role model for your children. If you continue to avoid uncomfortable situations, you will continue to not living in your reality. The reality is that some situations are sticky and crappy, but in order to work through them, you have to talk about it with the person.

It might help to write a list of possible outcomes that can occur when you let your nanny go. Perhaps thinking through the possibilities will make you feel more in control and will help better prepare you for what can happen.

Ask yourself what exactly you are afraid of about confrontation. A lot of my clients I talk who tell me that they don't like confrontation are really "people pleasers." They want everyone to like them and are scared that if they set a boundary with someone, that person will no longer like them. It's actually the opposite. Friends respect other friends who make good choices and respect themselves. You are respecting yourself when you set boundaries. And your nanny is not your friend in the first place; she's your employee and you need her respect, not her flattery or friendship.

I highly encourage you to do this one on your own. But if you are still strongly hesitant to do it alone, maybe you can have your husband in the next room for support.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
Let me first say I have a history of an eating disorder. I am very religious and want to honor Yom Kippur (the Jewish High Holy Day during which one fasts) but I'm nervous that it will mess with my eating issues. I've only been in recovery six months. What do you think?

Signed,
Need An Answer Fast


Dear Need An Answer Fast,
First, congratulations on your recovery with your eating issues. You've made some great strides and it's important to consider how you've made it this far. I'm sure part of that is knowing what your triggers are. And it sounds like fasting on this holiday may be one of them.

In my opinion, it's perfectly okay to honor this tradition without actually fasting. I'm Jewish and I know this holiday is about repenting for your sins. You can partake in all the normal rituals of this day aside from the fasting part. I also know there is a general understanding in the Jewish religion that Jews are excused from fasting if they are pregnant or sick. To me, this falls into the sick category.

Recovery from any addiction is the most important thing, and it needs to be tended to, especially in the first few years. I believe you are wise to take into account how this holiday will affect your disease. I also believe it's better to play it safe and not risk triggering your disease by fasting.

Just to let you know, I know many eating disorder patients who've been in recovery for years and still choose not to fast on Yom Kippur -- so know you won't be alone. Finally, remember that you are still a good person/Jew if you don't fast. It's not about the actual fasting, it's really about remembering the difficulties the Jews encountered and being accountable for your own personal sins.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My 9-year-old daughter and I witnessed a horrific accident two weeks ago. She has had trouble sleeping because of it and is scared we'll also get into an accident. I've tried having her sleep with her older brother, but she still wakes up in the middle of the night afraid. Help!

Signed,
Anxious Daughter


Dear Anxious Daughter,
I believe your first step is validating your daughter's fears. "Yes, it's possible we could get into an accident." Then reassure her it's not likely. "But the chances of it actually happening are very small." Then make her feel a little more in control by asking her, "What can we do to help prevent accidents?" She'll probably suggest putting on seatbelts, driving slowly, etc. Then go further with that and ask her what she can do when she feels nervous and/or can't sleep. You two can create a list together that she can keep by her bed. Some great ideas are:

1) Teaching her to stay in the moment and coming up with a mantra when she is scared. A good one she can repeat over and over again is: "I'm safe and relaxed."
2) Listening to relaxing music
3) Writing thoughts in a journal
4) Coloring in a coloring book

Reassure her that she can get through this. It's a good idea to direct her, but ultimately you want to teach her to sooth herself on her own. Finally, if after a few weeks, she is still having problems and it's affecting her everyday living, I'd highly recommend contacting a therapist.

All the best,
Kelli