Ask Kelli: Bio Dad Wants Back In, Sex Ed Good Idea, & Email Junkie

Dear Kelli,
The father of my children opted out of the picture many, many years ago. Since then I remarried and my current husband adopted our kids. Now my ex-husband wants to see the kids again. He obviously has no legal rights. But should I still allow him to see them? He's not a bad guy (no drug issues or anything). And my kids do know their current father is not their biological father.

Signed,
One Big Happy Family


Dear One Big Happy Family,
You sound like a compassionate person. I really respect that.

You didn't mention how old your kids are. That's a big factor. So depending on their ages, you could get their opinion on how they feel about seeing their biological dad.

If they are okay with it, I believe the safest bet is to have a get-together every once in awhile with all of you. Your ex, your current husband, you, and the kids. You can do it at a public place, like a park, or if you are comfortable with inviting your ex over, at your house for brunch or a family meal. That way, it's on your turf and you can call the shots.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My daughter's eighth grade class is going to be learning sex education. I'm so nervous about this! Do you think it's a good idea or should I take her out of the program? (She can do an alternate activity.)

Signed,
Proactive Mom


Dear Proactive Mom,
Yes, I absolutely think the program is a good idea. Studies show that children/teens who are informed about sex are less likely to engage in unsafe behavior.

Let me ask me you directly: What are you nervous about? Many parents are nervous that sex education program can "give children ideas" about sex. The reality is that most children/teens already know about sex, and if they don't at this point, the best way to learn is through a proper program and/or their parents, rather than from their friends, who may give them wrong information.

To feel more comfortable you can ask the teachers for an outline of the program. This way you will know exactly what your daughter will be learning. And you can always supplement the program with follow-up talks with their daughter.

My only advice if you choose not to have your daughter participate in the program is to make sure you have your own talks with her. Many parents make the mistake of not talking to their teens (due to the fears I mentioned). This is the last thing you want to do! You can buy many books on the subject on how best to communicate with her.

But again, I think your safest bet is allow her to participate in the program.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I feel like I'm addicted to email. I check it like 100 times a day. I have a cell with email, so I can check it on the go. I feel out of control when I don't get to check it (for example, I have a meeting). What can I do?

Signed,
Email Junkie


Dear Email Junkie,
I highly recommend you speak to a therapist. Not because you want to check your email constantly but because you said you feel out of control. Any time a client tells me they feel out of control, I know we have an issue and not just an annoyance. It almost doesn't matter what the addiction is. To me, this sounds like an anxiety disorder. Although you probably think it's about your email -- the important responses you want to get, the new meeting times, etc. -- it's really about your anxiety. I see your anxiety as the culprit here and it's really just rearing its head through your email obsession. Make sense?

So yes, talk to a therapist. We have to find out what is going on deeper here that is making you so anxious. Anxiety can also mask as depression, so that might be a factor for you, too. You have to ask yourself honestly what is really going on here.

In the meantime, try meditating, deep breathing, exercising, and getting some fresh light and air. I'd also try to set goals for yourself regarding checking your email (for example, this week, I'll check it 80 times, next week 70 times, etc.). I'm confident you can gradually wean yourself off the email in combination with therapy.

All the best,
Kelli