Ask Kelli: Organized or Disorganized Partner, Baby Names, and Celebrity Obsessed

Dear Kelli,
How does a couple navigate the distance caused by one partner being organized and one partner being disorganized? I am organized; my partner is not. I try and respect our differences and see the benefits each brings, but this difference raises challenges in our relationship from time to time. For example, he volunteered to organize our vacation, but failed to do so until I "forced his hand" when it was less than a week away! His failing to plan hurt my feelings terribly, but I know he's completely confused as to why. He is a very caring, considerate, and generous partner, so I am inclined to chalk it up to "lessons learned," but are there strategies we can employ to better deal with this on a day-to-day basis?

Thanks,
Confused but Hopeful


Dear Confused but Hopeful,
Okay, you're going to hate me but I have to say it: There isn't much you can do to change your husband's personality. That isn't to say there isn't much we can do to change the situation, but as far who your husband is: This is it. And I think the first step is just accepting that. I know. It stinks but it gets easier. The next step is turning that "flaw" around and looking at it for its merits. For example, your husband may not be the most organized person but perhaps that means he is more laid-back and relaxed in general? So for you that means more freedom when it comes to decisions like furniture, restaurants, etc. With each person's flaw or "challenge" there is also a benefit. So try and see if you can see that benefit in your case. Sometimes that change in perspective change help you, especially at the time you're frustrated.

Well, enough of the fluff part. It's understandable that you're frustrated with your husband's disorganization. I get that. But I'm wondering if you're enabling him by constantly picking up the slack for him. In other words, he knows he doesn't really have to do the work if you'll pick it up in the end. So why not try to pull back a little? Yes, this will be torture for you. But it will be a fantastic lesson for your husband. He will learn he actually has to do something. Without you. The first time he may not do it at all. But that's the best part. He'll finally learn that he has to do it because no one else will anymore. It's learning the hard way!

I'd also be prepared that how he does things may be different from you. But different doesn't equal bad or wrong. I always have to pick my battles and remember I'd rather something be done differently than not at all.

Finally, you could stress the importance of what it is you want done and empower your husband so he feels good and powerful. So for a future vacation something along the lines of, "Alan, this vacation means so much to me. You have no idea how happy I am that you chose to take this on. I know you'll plan a wonderful trip for us and I know I'll love whatever you pick. I'm really happy I can trust you to get it done." It's a little guilt-trippy but it should do the trick!

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'll start out saying I had a pretty complicated birth with my son. I ended up in the ICU for 3 days and after I returned home still had complications for 30 days.

But here's the real story. My mom has been friends with a woman named Patty for many years. About a year ago, Patty's daughter Bianca named her female child Jordan. I liked the name for my son and also named him Jordan. My mom's friend Patty got remarkably upset because I chose the same name as her daughter. Now my mom's relationship with Patty is strained. Am I crazy or is this plain ridiculous? Not only am I not really friends with Bianca but she and her daughter live in another state!

Signed,
Name Blame


Dear Name Blame,
Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. Your health and the baby's health should have been the focus here, not the name of the child.

It sounds like Patty has some emotional issues. Clearly no genuine friend would place more importance over a name than their friend's daughter's health and the birth of a new baby.

No one has a patent on a name and to be so petty as to strain (or end) a relationship over a name shows Patty's true colors. Your mom learned something very important though: A true friend is labeled by her actions, not by their history.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm just curious if my "addiction" is cause for concern. I am obsessed with celebrity gossip. I'm embarrassed to say it but I buy (and subscribe) to about five different gossip mags. I watch "Access Hollywood" every night and I Tivo "TMZ". What do you think?

Signed,
Should Be One of the Paparazzi


Dear Should Be One of the Paparazzi,
The best way I can answer is this: Do you feel this "addiction" is taking over your life? In other words, is it replacing friends and/or family? Do you get anxious if you didn't read the latest magazine or you've missed one of the TV shows? Do you feel like you honestly can't stop thinking about celebrity gossip? These answers will give you deeper insight as to whether or not this is a true problem for you.

An addiction usually signals a void in one's life. So most likely you are using these magazines and shows as an escape and a way to fill up where you feel a loss. Answer this question honestly: Are you lonely? Angry? Depressed? I'd recommend talking to a counselor to see what is really going on. Because as much as it seems like it's a genuine interest in knowing what is going on with celebrities, it could really be a way for you to feel farther away from your own feelings.

Again, I'm not saying it's bad to read celebrity gossip (I'm curious myself about what will happen with Lindsay Lohan). I'm just saying it becomes an issue or an addiction when you feel it's controlling your life.

All the best,
Kelli