Ask Kelli: Resolving Spending Habits, Divorcee Dating with Kids, & Dealing with Drunk Relatives

Dear Kelli,

My husband is a spender like nobody’s business. I’m more of a frugal gal, so much so it’s sometimes hard for me to spend money. This has always been a problem for us but it gets worse during the holidays. How do we resolve this issue?

Signed,

Frugal Fanny

Dear Frugal Fanny,

First know your situation is not uncommon. Money is the number one thing couples fight about! It may be easy for partners to match up with likes and dislikes but it’s not always so easy to match up with spending habits. So know you aren’t alone. Try and figure out why it’s so hard for you to spend and your husband not. Often our childhood and parents play a huge role in this! I would definitely encourage a candid discussion between the two of you regarding where you learned your behaviors. It will help a great deal if you find out the root cause. Third, commit to paying bills together. This way you both can see how much you owe and how much you have. Finally, it might not be a bad idea to invest in a financial counselor. This way you designate someone neutral to make the decisions for you (and you and your husband aren’t the “bad” guy). You can find a counselor at the National Foundation for Credit Counseling: www.nfcc.org/

All the best,

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

I’m recently divorced and have a 5-year-old. I’ve since starting dating a really nice guy. How soon is too soon to introduce him to my daughter?

Signed,

Want to be the best Mom

Dear Want to be the best Mom,

I applaud you for really thinking this situation through before jumping into an immediate introduction. You didn’t mention how long you’ve been dating this new guy but I’m assuming it’s still relatively new. Therefore, I would wait until you make absolute sure this relationship is a serious one. The last thing you want to do is introduce your beau to your daughter and then have to explain later why it didn’t work out. So try and hold off until you feel like there is true potential for the two of you as a couple. Then I would introduce him to your daughter in a very child-focused environment. Does your daughter love the park? The zoo? Pick a spot you feel she would be the most comfortable. I would also keep the introduction light. “Mommy has a new friend she wants you to meet…” And try and hold off on being physical in front of your daughter for awhile. In this situation I think baby steps work best.

All the best,

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

I hate the holidays!! Mainly because my uncle Rick drinks like a fish. Then he embarrasses me and the rest of the family at dinner with old stories that are often inappropriate (running around naked on the playground, etc.). It’s really unnecessary. What can I do?

Signed,

Holiday Scruge

Dear Holiday Scruge,

It’s totally understandable why you don’t like the holidays. Dealing with relatives is not easy—especially when they get inebriated at the dinner table! I would have a true heart-to-heart with your uncle before the event. Remember the sandwich method. Start with something nice, “Uncle Rick I really love being with you and I’m glad you are coming to Thanksgiving again this year.” Then place the “meat” of your conversation. “But I have to be honest and tell you that I get really embarrassed when you mention stories about me or other family members when we were younger. I feel like it’s not always comfortable for us when you talk about that. I’d really appreciate it if we could talk about other things. Maybe we can talk about how you are liking your new job?” Then end with something good again. “I hope you can respect my and the rest of the family’s feelings this year because I know we can have a really fun Thanksgiving. I look forward to seeing you.” If the pre-talk doesn’t work and Uncle Rick still acts up, I would immediately change the topic. The last thing you want to do is fuel the conversation by yelling at him or making a big deal out of it. Finally, if everyone else isn’t a big drinker in your family perhaps you could go alcohol-free this Thanksgiving?

All the best,

Kelli

Husband snoring, Perfectionists during the holidays, & DVD suggestions

Dear Kelli,
Any suggestions on how I can get a peaceful night's rest? My husband snores so loud I'm surprised you can't hear it from your house! Please don't say I should sleep in the other room, I still want to share a bed!

Signed,
Insomniac


Dear Insomniac,
Some wives who husbands snore consider divorce. So I'm glad to hear you even want to sleep in the same bed! For that I think I'm happy to give you my suggestions:

1) First check to make sure your husband doesn't have a more serious medical problem (i.e. sleep apnea, etc.)
2) Try and go to bed before your husband. Even 10-15 minutes can make a difference.
3) Purchase a great pair of ear plugs. I like the wax kind that shape to your ear. You can't hear a pin drop! Personally I like a brand called Mack's. http://www.macksearplugs.com/
4) Invest in a white noise machine. They block out all outside noise. You can find them at specialty stores like Brookstone (or in more everyday stores like Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Radio Shack).
5) Ask hubby to try nose strips. I've heard mixed reviews but it might be worth a try. I looked online and right now Breathe Right is offering 2 free samples: http://www.breatheright.com/

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
Now that the holidays are approaching I find myself wanting everything to be perfect. When my family comes I want the décor just right, the cooking Martha Stewart-esq, gifts just right, etc. How can I just ease up and go with the flow this season?

Signed,
Type A for the holidays


Dear Type A for the holidays,

I want you to first think about why you want everything to be perfect. I have a feeling you'd probably say because you want everyone to be happy and you want to ensure a good time. But if you dissect your/my answer a little deeper you might just see that it's a really a need for your control. And a lot of times taking control is a way that anxiety manifests itself. In other words, you're anxious about the holidays so you think that having everything perfect (and going crazy
trying to achieve that) will help you maintain a sense of control. If that's the case I would do a few things:

1) Make sure you give yourself at least some alone time to relax. Taking a bath, meditating and yoga are all great ways. I already hear you saying, "But I don't have the time!" Make it. It will be worth it. You'll see.
2) Challenge yourself to allow other household members to help you out. Yes, they won't do it like you do. Yes, it won't be perfect. But that's part of accepting and relinquishing some control. If this is especially hard for you, think of it as a way of giving service to others (giving other people jobs empowers them and makes them feel special.)
3) Remind yourself holidays aren't supposed to be about perfection, décor, gifts, etc. It's about time spent with the family. So keep repeating that mantra over and over.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
This sounds funny but I'm wondering what TV shows series you recommend on DVD. The shows can be old, I just need some ideas!

Signed,
Netflix Junkie


Dear Netflix Junkie,
I love this question because I too live for a good TV series! For action and suspense, 24 is simply incredible. I think I watched 15 hours non-stop, so plan on getting the series over the weekend! Lost, especially the first and second season, is pretty amazing, too. And if you are up for something different, Dexter is really fascinating. For drama, I absolutely loved Six Feet Under, and House is great in the medical arena. And finally, if you are looking for something lighter, Arrested Development and The Office are great classics.

All the best,
Kelli

Where to Meet Men, Husband Tagging Along, and Etiquette

Dear Kelli,
Here's my question: I am 33 and just moved to DC to start a new job. I am single and looking for a relationship but the majority of people I seem to be meeting are in their mid- to late-20s. Now, I have nothing against men in their mid-20s-- I have, in fact, dated some in the past but they are often in very different psychological spaces in terms of their relationship goals.

Most of my friends (male and female) are married and have started families. I have nothing against that path but I was not ready to settle down until recently. Unfortunately, I feel like I am now surrounded by people who are basically like my friends were 10 years ago: men in their mid-20s who want to settle down with women in their mid-20s -- not with women in their mid-30s. I never admitted it before because I have never felt old or starved for male
attention, but I feel I am soon to miss the dating/marriage/kids boat if something doesn't change.

Where can I meet like-minded men in an organic, authentic manner that does not require an established local social network and does not brand me as "desperate" or "on the husband hunt"? I am a well-traveled, emotionally-intelligent, Ivy-educated woman whom men and women have described as beautiful (not to be immodest). Most of the time, people are shocked when they find out I don't have a boyfriend. But how do I get past the "it should be easy for you to find a date" to "I am actually dating someone"?

Thanks!
Possibly over-the-hill on the Hill


Dear Possibly over-the-hill on the Hill,
Okay, here's the deal. I'm not sure there is an organic way to meet a man if you are truly "looking." In other words, you usually meet a mate "naturally" when you aren't looking. So you have a few choices. You can live your life normally and do more for you (classes, vacations, etc.) and perhaps meet a man that way or you go the opposite approach and be proactive about finding a guy. Yes, both choices stink. And there is no guarantee either way. But the good
news? You can do both simultaneously. Why not enrich your life while looking for a mate? Take that Italian class you always want to take. The dance class you saw in the window on the way to work. You get the idea. And on the other hand make meeting someone happen. If you've read my columns before you know I'm a big proponent of online dating. And here's the great advantage for you. You can put in your profile that you want men in their 30s. That weeds out the 20-somethings you spoke of. Or you can keep your profile open and the 20-somethings come to you KNOWING you are 30-something. Then it's their call and they know what they are getting into! You can also specify on your profile that you want to get married, not just date casually. You can see back issues of my column for online dating website suggestions:
http://askkelli.blogspot.com/2009/10/dear-kelli-im-jewish-27-year-old-female.htm\
l

I'm also a big believer in word of mouth. So put the word out that you are looking. Yes, tell your neighbors, your friends, even your mom. You're not desperate, you're smart. You're not wasting time because you know what you want. And you are asking like-minded people for a recommendation. Think of it like asking a friend for a good tailor. Or therapist. Only these people are helping you find a good guy. Essentially they are doing the weeding out for you! Finally, it never hurts to go to places where the type of men you like will be. Into sports? The ratio at a basketball game is usually 1:10 for girls vs. guys. So not half bad! Like discovering things? Why not visit the Smithsonian? Love animals? The zoo could be a different place to check out the
scene.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and have a good married girl friend who I want to spend more time with. Only every time I ask her to do something she brings her husband along! It's fine once in a while but I just want it to be us girls sometimes.

Signed,
Three's a crowd

Dear Three's a crowd,
I can imagine it's not always comfortable to be the third party. But know you have a right to your friend alone even if she is married. Just because she has a ring on her finger doesn't mean her husband is surgically attached to her. So this is what I would suggest next time you make plans. "Hey Betty, do you mind if this lunch is just us girls?" Simple yet to the point. If you don't feel quite comfortable with just that, you could qualify and say, "I just want to talk to about more feminine stuff and would feel more comfortable with just you if that's okay."

You could also always suggest more "girly" stuff to do next time you have plans. A spa, getting a manicure, and bra shopping are all things I'm not sure the husband would be exactly jumping to attend.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to learn about etiquette (in all kinds of situations)?

Thanks,
No Manners


Dear No Manners,
The most popular person who speaks about etiquette is Emily Post. She has several different books out depending on what you are looking for. See here (on Amazon) for her books:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=emily+po\
st&x=0&y=0 You can also go to the Emily Post Institute's website for more information: http://www.emilypost.com/

I also like Etiquette for Dummies by Sue Fox and The Little Book of Etiquette by Dorothea Johnson.

Additionally, if you have an iPhone there is a great application called Etiquette Avenue that gives you tips on writing thank-you notes, making small talk, etc.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Date Night Ideas, Help When It's Not Yours, & Wedding Gifts

Dear Kelli,
I've only been married for 3 years but I already feel bored. How we can spice up date night? We're always doing the same thing: dinner, movie, dinner, movie. What else can we do?

Signed,
Needing Ideas

Dear Needing Ideas,
You are not alone! It's very easy for married couples to get in a dating rut. Coming up with new ideas takes effort and who wants to do that? So let me do it for you:

1) Have a camping outing with tents and sleeping bags right in your own background! Grab a pack of marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate and make S'mores.
2) Rent a fancy car and take it out for a night on the town. For more information you can check out the Exotic Car Rental Directory:
http://www.exoticcarrental.com/car-rentals/usa/washington-dc/
3) Dance it up with a new lesson in salsa, the fox trout, or jazz. Joy of Motion in DC looks like it offers a variety: http://www.joyofmotion.org/
4) Make it a night under the stars at the Einstein Planetarium at the Smithsonian. Or see an Imax movie there. http://www.si.edu/imax/
5) Teach each other how to cook a new ethnic food or take a cooking class together. http://www.culinaerie.com/
6) Go to a nightclub together and pretend to have just met for the first time. Or better yet pretend to be two totally different people.
7) Buy glowsticks or take a flashlight and have a romantic walk in the park.
8) Do something adventurous! What about hangliding in Baltimore?
http://www.aerosports.net/
9) Do some volunteer work as a team. Here are a bunch of ideas:
http://www.volunteermatch.org/search/index.jsp?r=msa&l=56972%2C+
10) Recreate your very first date wearing your same outfits (if you still have em!) and quiz each other on who remembers more.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a huge problem when other people help me. I really appreciate it but they always do it wrong! Like my husband doesn't do the laundry the right way (forget the fabric softener) or my cleaner doesn't vacuum as well as I do. I've said something twice but should I keep voicing my opinion? What can I do?

Signed,
Help-less

Dear Help-less,
When you ask for help (which is a great first step by the way. Most people won't even ask for help) you have to know it is "conditional help'. In other words, it's their help. This means the help you receive is not going to be done in the exact fashion you would have done it. I think the first step for you is just accepting this simple fact. Next, try to put in perspective. In other words,
you might want to ask yourself: Do I want help that might not be perfect or no help at all?

The fear I have if you continue to verbalize your concerns to your husband or your housecleaner is that they will retract and not want to help at all. If you really feel the need to say something, however, I would do it very tactfully. First, acknowledge how thankful you are for the help then add your little tip. For example, "Husband, thank you so much for doing the laundry. It really helps me when I'm busy with work, walking the dog, and cooking dinner. But next time
you do the laundry would you mind throwing in a fabric softener sheet? No biggie but that would be awesome. Thanks so much!" Then next time he actually does your request make sure you recognize he did it. "Husband, I saw you threw it a fabric softener. Thanks so much. It not only shows you listen to me but you are a true champ at laundry!" (Hey, stroking the ego can never hurt…)

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
A good friend of mine never gave me a wedding gift. This was several years ago and I think he thought because he flew in for the wedding (from California, I live in DC) that his plane fare was the "gift." In two months is his wedding. Do I have to get him something?

Signed,
Gift?

Dear Gift?,
It's sometimes hard to put ourselves in other people's shoes. But I'm thinking in this case it might help you. For instance, I'm just wondering if perhaps your friend didn't have the money to also purchase a gift? We don't know if it was even a struggle for him to purchase the plane fare. Or maybe he didn't know you could also get a gift even if you purchased a flight? Who knows? Everyone grows up with a different set of "rules." But I'm thinking it definitely wasn't
malicious, just something he didn't do for his own reasoning. So that leaves me with you. Can you afford to get him a gift? If so, don't not get him a gift just to spite him. You know the golden rule: treat other people how you want to be treated. It sounds like you would have appreciated a gift, so be the bigger person and get him a gift.

All the best,
Kelli