Dear Kelli,
I tell my babysitter to come at 3:30 pm on Mondays and Wednesdays. She usually comes around 3:05 pm and then gets right to work. Do I have to pay her for the time she comes early? She usually helps immediately when she arrives but I really don't need her to start until 3:30 pm (although I certainly don't mind the extra help!) I've made it clear that she doesn't need to be at my house until 3:30 pm, so she is definitely aware.
Signed,
Should I Pay?
Dear Should I Pay,
No. I think you're okay just paying her for the time you told her to be there. It's her decision to come early, especially since you made the start time clear. If she wants to "volunteer" for those extra 25 minutes she is most certainly entitled to!
What would be nice, however, is to give her a generous holiday bonus to show your appreciation at the end of this year.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend whom I adore. We used to work together about four years ago. Well, she started her own company now is actually doing something very different from what we used to do. I like the idea of what she's doing but am not interested in actually being a part of it. She's invited to work for her on several occasions and keeps persisting. I feel bad and guilty saying no outright, so I keep saying, "Yeah, I'll think about it" or "Perhaps a little later on." But now she keeps bugging me about it, to the point I'm getting really frustrated. What can I do?
Signed,
Don't Want to Join Her Company!
Dear Don't Want to Join Her Company,
Well, you can start by being honest with your friend. Of course she keeps asking you about this opportunity: She thinks you may actually want to be a part of it! So it's time to be upfront and real with her. You can say, "I'm so sorry, Lisa. Although I think what you're doing is awesome, I don't think this is going to work out for me and I'm sorry if I led you in a different direction. I'll definitely let you know if I change my mind, and if you want, I can help you brainstorm other potentials."
Just take this situation as a lesson learned. It's better to be upfront the first time, rather than beating around the bush several times.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My husband is constantly on my case about spending. (Yes, I'm definitely the spender in the family.) Last week, however, he went out and bought an old fixer-upper car. He never spends but I can't help but feel annoyed. Why do we need a fixer-upper car? I'd rather put that money towards clothes or things I've been so careful about not spending our money on! Do I have the right to be mad or should I just let this one go, considering he never really buys anything?
Signed,
Fix This One
Dear Fix This One,
I'd let this one go. Yes, you have a right to feel frustrated. You've probably been watching every penny and here you are seeing your husband spend on what you think is a frivolous purchase.
So I have two things to say about this. First of all, it may seem ridiculous to you, but this car is probably super-exciting to your husband. Just like clothes are cool and exciting to you (and he doesn't get it), this is his favorite splurge. Plus, this actually may be a hobby for him, not just a one-time purchase.
Second, I actually think it's a good thing that he's spending money. First, because it's healthy for everyone to splurge once in awhile and second, because splurging reminds your husband that it's okay to be deserving. This way he can cut you some slack for the future!
So yes, let this one go. But if keeps purchasing and simultaneously telling you to save, then we'll talk.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Ask Kelli: Bio Dad Wants Back In, Sex Ed Good Idea, & Email Junkie
Dear Kelli,
The father of my children opted out of the picture many, many years ago. Since then I remarried and my current husband adopted our kids. Now my ex-husband wants to see the kids again. He obviously has no legal rights. But should I still allow him to see them? He's not a bad guy (no drug issues or anything). And my kids do know their current father is not their biological father.
Signed,
One Big Happy Family
Dear One Big Happy Family,
You sound like a compassionate person. I really respect that.
You didn't mention how old your kids are. That's a big factor. So depending on their ages, you could get their opinion on how they feel about seeing their biological dad.
If they are okay with it, I believe the safest bet is to have a get-together every once in awhile with all of you. Your ex, your current husband, you, and the kids. You can do it at a public place, like a park, or if you are comfortable with inviting your ex over, at your house for brunch or a family meal. That way, it's on your turf and you can call the shots.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My daughter's eighth grade class is going to be learning sex education. I'm so nervous about this! Do you think it's a good idea or should I take her out of the program? (She can do an alternate activity.)
Signed,
Proactive Mom
Dear Proactive Mom,
Yes, I absolutely think the program is a good idea. Studies show that children/teens who are informed about sex are less likely to engage in unsafe behavior.
Let me ask me you directly: What are you nervous about? Many parents are nervous that sex education program can "give children ideas" about sex. The reality is that most children/teens already know about sex, and if they don't at this point, the best way to learn is through a proper program and/or their parents, rather than from their friends, who may give them wrong information.
To feel more comfortable you can ask the teachers for an outline of the program. This way you will know exactly what your daughter will be learning. And you can always supplement the program with follow-up talks with their daughter.
My only advice if you choose not to have your daughter participate in the program is to make sure you have your own talks with her. Many parents make the mistake of not talking to their teens (due to the fears I mentioned). This is the last thing you want to do! You can buy many books on the subject on how best to communicate with her.
But again, I think your safest bet is allow her to participate in the program.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I feel like I'm addicted to email. I check it like 100 times a day. I have a cell with email, so I can check it on the go. I feel out of control when I don't get to check it (for example, I have a meeting). What can I do?
Signed,
Email Junkie
Dear Email Junkie,
I highly recommend you speak to a therapist. Not because you want to check your email constantly but because you said you feel out of control. Any time a client tells me they feel out of control, I know we have an issue and not just an annoyance. It almost doesn't matter what the addiction is. To me, this sounds like an anxiety disorder. Although you probably think it's about your email -- the important responses you want to get, the new meeting times, etc. -- it's really about your anxiety. I see your anxiety as the culprit here and it's really just rearing its head through your email obsession. Make sense?
So yes, talk to a therapist. We have to find out what is going on deeper here that is making you so anxious. Anxiety can also mask as depression, so that might be a factor for you, too. You have to ask yourself honestly what is really going on here.
In the meantime, try meditating, deep breathing, exercising, and getting some fresh light and air. I'd also try to set goals for yourself regarding checking your email (for example, this week, I'll check it 80 times, next week 70 times, etc.). I'm confident you can gradually wean yourself off the email in combination with therapy.
All the best,
Kelli
The father of my children opted out of the picture many, many years ago. Since then I remarried and my current husband adopted our kids. Now my ex-husband wants to see the kids again. He obviously has no legal rights. But should I still allow him to see them? He's not a bad guy (no drug issues or anything). And my kids do know their current father is not their biological father.
Signed,
One Big Happy Family
Dear One Big Happy Family,
You sound like a compassionate person. I really respect that.
You didn't mention how old your kids are. That's a big factor. So depending on their ages, you could get their opinion on how they feel about seeing their biological dad.
If they are okay with it, I believe the safest bet is to have a get-together every once in awhile with all of you. Your ex, your current husband, you, and the kids. You can do it at a public place, like a park, or if you are comfortable with inviting your ex over, at your house for brunch or a family meal. That way, it's on your turf and you can call the shots.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My daughter's eighth grade class is going to be learning sex education. I'm so nervous about this! Do you think it's a good idea or should I take her out of the program? (She can do an alternate activity.)
Signed,
Proactive Mom
Dear Proactive Mom,
Yes, I absolutely think the program is a good idea. Studies show that children/teens who are informed about sex are less likely to engage in unsafe behavior.
Let me ask me you directly: What are you nervous about? Many parents are nervous that sex education program can "give children ideas" about sex. The reality is that most children/teens already know about sex, and if they don't at this point, the best way to learn is through a proper program and/or their parents, rather than from their friends, who may give them wrong information.
To feel more comfortable you can ask the teachers for an outline of the program. This way you will know exactly what your daughter will be learning. And you can always supplement the program with follow-up talks with their daughter.
My only advice if you choose not to have your daughter participate in the program is to make sure you have your own talks with her. Many parents make the mistake of not talking to their teens (due to the fears I mentioned). This is the last thing you want to do! You can buy many books on the subject on how best to communicate with her.
But again, I think your safest bet is allow her to participate in the program.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I feel like I'm addicted to email. I check it like 100 times a day. I have a cell with email, so I can check it on the go. I feel out of control when I don't get to check it (for example, I have a meeting). What can I do?
Signed,
Email Junkie
Dear Email Junkie,
I highly recommend you speak to a therapist. Not because you want to check your email constantly but because you said you feel out of control. Any time a client tells me they feel out of control, I know we have an issue and not just an annoyance. It almost doesn't matter what the addiction is. To me, this sounds like an anxiety disorder. Although you probably think it's about your email -- the important responses you want to get, the new meeting times, etc. -- it's really about your anxiety. I see your anxiety as the culprit here and it's really just rearing its head through your email obsession. Make sense?
So yes, talk to a therapist. We have to find out what is going on deeper here that is making you so anxious. Anxiety can also mask as depression, so that might be a factor for you, too. You have to ask yourself honestly what is really going on here.
In the meantime, try meditating, deep breathing, exercising, and getting some fresh light and air. I'd also try to set goals for yourself regarding checking your email (for example, this week, I'll check it 80 times, next week 70 times, etc.). I'm confident you can gradually wean yourself off the email in combination with therapy.
All the best,
Kelli
Ask Kelli: Firing Nanny, Jewish Fasting with Eating Disorder, & Daughter has Anxiety
Dear Kelli,
I need to fire my nanny. I'm so nervous and uncomfortable with any confrontation, let alone this one! My husband is better with this type of thing, but he doesn't have as much contact with the nanny as I do. Plus, I hired her in the first place. Is it wrong to have him to do?
Signed,
Nanny-less
Dear Nanny-less,
I absolutely want to empower YOU to have this confrontation with your nanny. (Now of course if you think there is any reason to believe there might be violence or harm to your children when you do it, absolutely have the police and your husband with you). Otherwise, this is a very good lesson for you about setting boundaries, dealing with uncomfortable confrontation, and being responsible.
Yes, it's hard. And yes, it's easier to have your husband do it. But you're an adult now. I don't mean to sound condescending, but adults have to deal with these situations head on. You have to be a positive role model for your children. If you continue to avoid uncomfortable situations, you will continue to not living in your reality. The reality is that some situations are sticky and crappy, but in order to work through them, you have to talk about it with the person.
It might help to write a list of possible outcomes that can occur when you let your nanny go. Perhaps thinking through the possibilities will make you feel more in control and will help better prepare you for what can happen.
Ask yourself what exactly you are afraid of about confrontation. A lot of my clients I talk who tell me that they don't like confrontation are really "people pleasers." They want everyone to like them and are scared that if they set a boundary with someone, that person will no longer like them. It's actually the opposite. Friends respect other friends who make good choices and respect themselves. You are respecting yourself when you set boundaries. And your nanny is not your friend in the first place; she's your employee and you need her respect, not her flattery or friendship.
I highly encourage you to do this one on your own. But if you are still strongly hesitant to do it alone, maybe you can have your husband in the next room for support.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
Let me first say I have a history of an eating disorder. I am very religious and want to honor Yom Kippur (the Jewish High Holy Day during which one fasts) but I'm nervous that it will mess with my eating issues. I've only been in recovery six months. What do you think?
Signed,
Need An Answer Fast
Dear Need An Answer Fast,
First, congratulations on your recovery with your eating issues. You've made some great strides and it's important to consider how you've made it this far. I'm sure part of that is knowing what your triggers are. And it sounds like fasting on this holiday may be one of them.
In my opinion, it's perfectly okay to honor this tradition without actually fasting. I'm Jewish and I know this holiday is about repenting for your sins. You can partake in all the normal rituals of this day aside from the fasting part. I also know there is a general understanding in the Jewish religion that Jews are excused from fasting if they are pregnant or sick. To me, this falls into the sick category.
Recovery from any addiction is the most important thing, and it needs to be tended to, especially in the first few years. I believe you are wise to take into account how this holiday will affect your disease. I also believe it's better to play it safe and not risk triggering your disease by fasting.
Just to let you know, I know many eating disorder patients who've been in recovery for years and still choose not to fast on Yom Kippur -- so know you won't be alone. Finally, remember that you are still a good person/Jew if you don't fast. It's not about the actual fasting, it's really about remembering the difficulties the Jews encountered and being accountable for your own personal sins.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My 9-year-old daughter and I witnessed a horrific accident two weeks ago. She has had trouble sleeping because of it and is scared we'll also get into an accident. I've tried having her sleep with her older brother, but she still wakes up in the middle of the night afraid. Help!
Signed,
Anxious Daughter
Dear Anxious Daughter,
I believe your first step is validating your daughter's fears. "Yes, it's possible we could get into an accident." Then reassure her it's not likely. "But the chances of it actually happening are very small." Then make her feel a little more in control by asking her, "What can we do to help prevent accidents?" She'll probably suggest putting on seatbelts, driving slowly, etc. Then go further with that and ask her what she can do when she feels nervous and/or can't sleep. You two can create a list together that she can keep by her bed. Some great ideas are:
1) Teaching her to stay in the moment and coming up with a mantra when she is scared. A good one she can repeat over and over again is: "I'm safe and relaxed."
2) Listening to relaxing music
3) Writing thoughts in a journal
4) Coloring in a coloring book
Reassure her that she can get through this. It's a good idea to direct her, but ultimately you want to teach her to sooth herself on her own. Finally, if after a few weeks, she is still having problems and it's affecting her everyday living, I'd highly recommend contacting a therapist.
All the best,
Kelli
I need to fire my nanny. I'm so nervous and uncomfortable with any confrontation, let alone this one! My husband is better with this type of thing, but he doesn't have as much contact with the nanny as I do. Plus, I hired her in the first place. Is it wrong to have him to do?
Signed,
Nanny-less
Dear Nanny-less,
I absolutely want to empower YOU to have this confrontation with your nanny. (Now of course if you think there is any reason to believe there might be violence or harm to your children when you do it, absolutely have the police and your husband with you). Otherwise, this is a very good lesson for you about setting boundaries, dealing with uncomfortable confrontation, and being responsible.
Yes, it's hard. And yes, it's easier to have your husband do it. But you're an adult now. I don't mean to sound condescending, but adults have to deal with these situations head on. You have to be a positive role model for your children. If you continue to avoid uncomfortable situations, you will continue to not living in your reality. The reality is that some situations are sticky and crappy, but in order to work through them, you have to talk about it with the person.
It might help to write a list of possible outcomes that can occur when you let your nanny go. Perhaps thinking through the possibilities will make you feel more in control and will help better prepare you for what can happen.
Ask yourself what exactly you are afraid of about confrontation. A lot of my clients I talk who tell me that they don't like confrontation are really "people pleasers." They want everyone to like them and are scared that if they set a boundary with someone, that person will no longer like them. It's actually the opposite. Friends respect other friends who make good choices and respect themselves. You are respecting yourself when you set boundaries. And your nanny is not your friend in the first place; she's your employee and you need her respect, not her flattery or friendship.
I highly encourage you to do this one on your own. But if you are still strongly hesitant to do it alone, maybe you can have your husband in the next room for support.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
Let me first say I have a history of an eating disorder. I am very religious and want to honor Yom Kippur (the Jewish High Holy Day during which one fasts) but I'm nervous that it will mess with my eating issues. I've only been in recovery six months. What do you think?
Signed,
Need An Answer Fast
Dear Need An Answer Fast,
First, congratulations on your recovery with your eating issues. You've made some great strides and it's important to consider how you've made it this far. I'm sure part of that is knowing what your triggers are. And it sounds like fasting on this holiday may be one of them.
In my opinion, it's perfectly okay to honor this tradition without actually fasting. I'm Jewish and I know this holiday is about repenting for your sins. You can partake in all the normal rituals of this day aside from the fasting part. I also know there is a general understanding in the Jewish religion that Jews are excused from fasting if they are pregnant or sick. To me, this falls into the sick category.
Recovery from any addiction is the most important thing, and it needs to be tended to, especially in the first few years. I believe you are wise to take into account how this holiday will affect your disease. I also believe it's better to play it safe and not risk triggering your disease by fasting.
Just to let you know, I know many eating disorder patients who've been in recovery for years and still choose not to fast on Yom Kippur -- so know you won't be alone. Finally, remember that you are still a good person/Jew if you don't fast. It's not about the actual fasting, it's really about remembering the difficulties the Jews encountered and being accountable for your own personal sins.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My 9-year-old daughter and I witnessed a horrific accident two weeks ago. She has had trouble sleeping because of it and is scared we'll also get into an accident. I've tried having her sleep with her older brother, but she still wakes up in the middle of the night afraid. Help!
Signed,
Anxious Daughter
Dear Anxious Daughter,
I believe your first step is validating your daughter's fears. "Yes, it's possible we could get into an accident." Then reassure her it's not likely. "But the chances of it actually happening are very small." Then make her feel a little more in control by asking her, "What can we do to help prevent accidents?" She'll probably suggest putting on seatbelts, driving slowly, etc. Then go further with that and ask her what she can do when she feels nervous and/or can't sleep. You two can create a list together that she can keep by her bed. Some great ideas are:
1) Teaching her to stay in the moment and coming up with a mantra when she is scared. A good one she can repeat over and over again is: "I'm safe and relaxed."
2) Listening to relaxing music
3) Writing thoughts in a journal
4) Coloring in a coloring book
Reassure her that she can get through this. It's a good idea to direct her, but ultimately you want to teach her to sooth herself on her own. Finally, if after a few weeks, she is still having problems and it's affecting her everyday living, I'd highly recommend contacting a therapist.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Ask Kelli: Counseling Program Part II, Friend and Gift, & Child with Anxiety
Dear Kelli,
I wrote to you in July about my desire to go to grad school for an MA in Counseling at a university here in DC.
So I got accepted within a few days in August; it all happened just so fast and smooth. I really see this as a sign from the divine. While the school is very minimalistic and even looks primitive on the outside, the program is very good, in my opinion. After fulfilling 700 hours of my internship, I will be ready to get my license. It is a very rigorous program and very demanding, especially my first course, Research in Education, and I am scared: How am I am going to write all these papers and do the research, since English is not my first language, and the professor for this course basically told us if she sees 1 - 3 grammar mistakes, she automatically grades the paper as "zero," as grad school students are expected to write on the level of the grad student.
So here I am writing to you for some support and input. I guess I need counseling myself before I actually do this program!
Many thanks for your advice!
Signed,
What Next?
Dear What Next?,
First of all, a huge congratulations! I'm happy for your decision and I'm excited for your academic year. I know you'll do wonderful.
Of course you feel overwhelmed: You are looking at your whole entire program, not your first class, or even your first paper! Remember: Take it day by day. Just like it's one project a time, one test at a time, and one paper at a time. Try and stay present as best you can through this year. Anxiety stems from worrying too much about the future. So if you find yourself worrying about how you are going to get it all done, first remind yourself that you are "futurizing" and that you need to concentrate on today more than anything else. Somehow, someway, everything almost always gets done in time.
Some grounding exercises I like are:
1) Physically grounding my feet to the floor. I even take off my shoes and
socks. There is something about literally being reminded to "stay where my feet
are" that keeps me present.
2) Meditating.
3) Deep breathing. Inhaling from a count to 10, then exhaling from a count to
10.
4) Exercising in any form
5) Making a list of my worries, then what I can do about them. For example:
Worry: I won't be able to complete all my papers.
What I can do: Plan ahead, start my research early, work with a friend, meet
with the professor and ask the professor for help, etc.
These lists make me feel more in control.
I hear what you are saying about English not being your first language. But I can always guarantee you will not be the only one in the program! Remember, you were accepted by the university into the program because they had faith and confidence you could complete the program. Have that same faith and you'll do just fine.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who lives cross country. He was kind enough to come to my wedding three months ago. But I actually never received a gift from him. The thing is: It's very unlike him. He's normally super generous. I'm nervous the gift got lost. But what if it didn't and he never actually gave me a gift? I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Advice?
Signed,
Do I Dare Go There?
Dear Do I Dare?,
I'd wait another few months. Some people believe they have a year to give a couple a wedding gift. So maybe he's still sending you something. Try and be patient before you say anything.
Then I do think it's okay to say something. If this is your dear friend, you should have an open and honest relationship. You could say something like, "Mike, I'm so honored you made it to the wedding. But a few of our gifts got lost and I wanted to make sure yours wasn't one of them. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable in any way. If you didn't get us anything, I completely understand and don't feel you need to justify. I just wanted to make sure nothing got lost.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My almost 16 year-old daughter tells me that she worries about a particular issue/aspect and is not comfortable talking to me about it. She says that she is the one who put this negative thought into her head, and that the worry is very irrational and stupid. Deep down in her heart she knows that what she is worried about will not happen, but she has these negative thought/s that she creates, regardless the signals of her instinct.
She says since we create the situations in our lives based on our thoughts -- the power of the mind and positive/negative thinking -- she is now worried that even if she switches from negative thoughts into positive, the events will still end up negative, because she thought about it a lot, or she goes back and forth, switching her thoughts from positive to negative . Then, she says that she now has a habit to worry. When she stops worrying it feels abnormal, but she does not know how to stop. When I tell her may be we can see a therapist so she can talk to someone about it, she says that she is uncomfortable talking to a stranger. No matter what I tell her, how I tell her, she agrees with everything I say but can not change the thought pattern. She also tells me: "When I am happy, I immediately find a negative thought to make myself worry. It is as if I want to hurt myself by thinking negative thoughts." She also tells me that she knows how to stop but she just does not allow herself to stop. She describes it as a little "ball" inside of her that needs to come out, something that she developed.
Is there are anything I can do to help her?
Signed,
Positive Mom
Dear Positive Mom,
I applaud you for wanting to be proactive and help your daughter. The fact that she is opening up to you is a great sign and even if she doesn't tell you exactly what she's worried about, she's still coming to you for help. You're doing good work.
You were spot-on with having her see a therapist. Not seeing her myself, it's hard to know for sure, but your daughter could have an anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. All these are usually beyond a parent's scope and are best treated with a therapist's help. I highly encourage you to try and have her see a therapist who specializes in anxiety or a cognitive behavioral therapist.
I know you tried once to see a therapist and she wasn't so keen on the idea. So perhaps you could try something like this: "Sue, I believe a trained therapist can help you with your negative thoughts. I know you are uncomfortable talking to a stranger, but I'm thinking the negative thoughts you are having are probably MORE uncomfortable. And yes, the first time might be difficult talking to a stranger, but it will get easier each time you meet with her/him. I want you to feel better and I know this could be a solution. How about we just try it for a few sessions and you let me know what you think?" You could also empower your daughter by having her included in the decision of choosing a therapist. For example, choosing a male or female therapist, deciding what she thought with an initial phone conversation with him/her, asking your daughter to write down her questions, etc. And I would offer to come with her to the first few sessions, if that would help her to feel more comfortable.
Finally, in addition, you might want to suggest to your daughter some of the grounding exercises I suggested to the first reader.
All the best,
Kelli
I wrote to you in July about my desire to go to grad school for an MA in Counseling at a university here in DC.
So I got accepted within a few days in August; it all happened just so fast and smooth. I really see this as a sign from the divine. While the school is very minimalistic and even looks primitive on the outside, the program is very good, in my opinion. After fulfilling 700 hours of my internship, I will be ready to get my license. It is a very rigorous program and very demanding, especially my first course, Research in Education, and I am scared: How am I am going to write all these papers and do the research, since English is not my first language, and the professor for this course basically told us if she sees 1 - 3 grammar mistakes, she automatically grades the paper as "zero," as grad school students are expected to write on the level of the grad student.
So here I am writing to you for some support and input. I guess I need counseling myself before I actually do this program!
Many thanks for your advice!
Signed,
What Next?
Dear What Next?,
First of all, a huge congratulations! I'm happy for your decision and I'm excited for your academic year. I know you'll do wonderful.
Of course you feel overwhelmed: You are looking at your whole entire program, not your first class, or even your first paper! Remember: Take it day by day. Just like it's one project a time, one test at a time, and one paper at a time. Try and stay present as best you can through this year. Anxiety stems from worrying too much about the future. So if you find yourself worrying about how you are going to get it all done, first remind yourself that you are "futurizing" and that you need to concentrate on today more than anything else. Somehow, someway, everything almost always gets done in time.
Some grounding exercises I like are:
1) Physically grounding my feet to the floor. I even take off my shoes and
socks. There is something about literally being reminded to "stay where my feet
are" that keeps me present.
2) Meditating.
3) Deep breathing. Inhaling from a count to 10, then exhaling from a count to
10.
4) Exercising in any form
5) Making a list of my worries, then what I can do about them. For example:
Worry: I won't be able to complete all my papers.
What I can do: Plan ahead, start my research early, work with a friend, meet
with the professor and ask the professor for help, etc.
These lists make me feel more in control.
I hear what you are saying about English not being your first language. But I can always guarantee you will not be the only one in the program! Remember, you were accepted by the university into the program because they had faith and confidence you could complete the program. Have that same faith and you'll do just fine.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who lives cross country. He was kind enough to come to my wedding three months ago. But I actually never received a gift from him. The thing is: It's very unlike him. He's normally super generous. I'm nervous the gift got lost. But what if it didn't and he never actually gave me a gift? I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Advice?
Signed,
Do I Dare Go There?
Dear Do I Dare?,
I'd wait another few months. Some people believe they have a year to give a couple a wedding gift. So maybe he's still sending you something. Try and be patient before you say anything.
Then I do think it's okay to say something. If this is your dear friend, you should have an open and honest relationship. You could say something like, "Mike, I'm so honored you made it to the wedding. But a few of our gifts got lost and I wanted to make sure yours wasn't one of them. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable in any way. If you didn't get us anything, I completely understand and don't feel you need to justify. I just wanted to make sure nothing got lost.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My almost 16 year-old daughter tells me that she worries about a particular issue/aspect and is not comfortable talking to me about it. She says that she is the one who put this negative thought into her head, and that the worry is very irrational and stupid. Deep down in her heart she knows that what she is worried about will not happen, but she has these negative thought/s that she creates, regardless the signals of her instinct.
She says since we create the situations in our lives based on our thoughts -- the power of the mind and positive/negative thinking -- she is now worried that even if she switches from negative thoughts into positive, the events will still end up negative, because she thought about it a lot, or she goes back and forth, switching her thoughts from positive to negative . Then, she says that she now has a habit to worry. When she stops worrying it feels abnormal, but she does not know how to stop. When I tell her may be we can see a therapist so she can talk to someone about it, she says that she is uncomfortable talking to a stranger. No matter what I tell her, how I tell her, she agrees with everything I say but can not change the thought pattern. She also tells me: "When I am happy, I immediately find a negative thought to make myself worry. It is as if I want to hurt myself by thinking negative thoughts." She also tells me that she knows how to stop but she just does not allow herself to stop. She describes it as a little "ball" inside of her that needs to come out, something that she developed.
Is there are anything I can do to help her?
Signed,
Positive Mom
Dear Positive Mom,
I applaud you for wanting to be proactive and help your daughter. The fact that she is opening up to you is a great sign and even if she doesn't tell you exactly what she's worried about, she's still coming to you for help. You're doing good work.
You were spot-on with having her see a therapist. Not seeing her myself, it's hard to know for sure, but your daughter could have an anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. All these are usually beyond a parent's scope and are best treated with a therapist's help. I highly encourage you to try and have her see a therapist who specializes in anxiety or a cognitive behavioral therapist.
I know you tried once to see a therapist and she wasn't so keen on the idea. So perhaps you could try something like this: "Sue, I believe a trained therapist can help you with your negative thoughts. I know you are uncomfortable talking to a stranger, but I'm thinking the negative thoughts you are having are probably MORE uncomfortable. And yes, the first time might be difficult talking to a stranger, but it will get easier each time you meet with her/him. I want you to feel better and I know this could be a solution. How about we just try it for a few sessions and you let me know what you think?" You could also empower your daughter by having her included in the decision of choosing a therapist. For example, choosing a male or female therapist, deciding what she thought with an initial phone conversation with him/her, asking your daughter to write down her questions, etc. And I would offer to come with her to the first few sessions, if that would help her to feel more comfortable.
Finally, in addition, you might want to suggest to your daughter some of the grounding exercises I suggested to the first reader.
All the best,
Kelli
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