Dear Kelli,
I have an overactive bladder and constantly have to excuse myself from dinner events, work, etc. Do I explain to people my problem? I just don’t want them to assume I don’t want to be there.
Signed,
Peed Off
Dear Peed Off,
I’m sorry about your situation. I can imagine that would be very embarrassing as well as frustrating. I think explaining your condition depends on your situation. For example with work, I’d definitely recommend saying something. The reason being, you don’t want your supervisor thinking you are goofing off, doing your makeup in the bathroom, etc. It also will ease your anxiety that he/she isn’t wondering where you are all the time. Now remember you don’t have to go into too many details. Just something along the lines of “Dan, this is embarrassing but I wanted to let you know I have an overactive bladder. I thought it was important to tell you in case I may need to use the bathroom frequently.” In a dinner setting or another finite time setting you may get away with not saying anything (unless you want to, of course). People are so busy at parties or dinners, they probably won’t notice.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
A good friend of mine bought me the ugliest vase in the world for my wedding. I didn’t even register for it! Am I required to display it?
Signed,
No Flowers Here
Dear No Flowers Here,
Just because someone got you a gift doesn’t mean you are required to like it, nor display it. So no, I don’t feel it’s necessary. In fact (and some may disagree with me here) but if you know where she purchased it, I’d actually return it for something you do like. Why should you keep a vase just shoved away in the garage? If it’s your good friend, she’d want you to be happy and hopefully be okay with you exchanging it. And the fact you didn’t register for it makes it even more okay to return it in my opinion.
Now circumstances would be different if she made the vase or it some special meaning attached to it (this was my great-grandma’s, etc.), but since she purchased it, I believe its fine to exchange it for something you like better.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My father and I have had a tumultuous relationship for a long time. I think I’m ready to reconnect. What do you suggest is the best way?
Signed,
Ready to Make Amends
Dear Ready to Make Amends,
Good for you! You realize life is short and it’s best to reconnect now, rather than later. I’m a bit old-fashioned so I’d suggest a hand written note. You might want to include an apology (or an apology in general for the way things have been), a few sentiments, and an offer to reconnect in person. For example something like, “Dear Dad, I’ve wanted to reach out to you for awhile. I’m sorry things have been so uneasy for us but I’m ready to have a better relationship now. You’ve always been important in my life, even if we didn’t speak for all those years. If you’d like, I’d love to meet for lunch so we can talk.”
Amends are special no matter how you do it, so if you aren’t comfortable with a note, phone or in person is great too.
All the best,
Kelli
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Ask Kelli: The One, Child Doesn't Understand Money, & Dating Woman with Child
Dear Kelli,
How do you know if someone is "the one?"
Signed,
Not Quite Sure
Dear Not Quite Sure,
My dad told me something years ago that really says it all: "If you don't know -- you know." In other words, if you have to question the relationship, it probably isn't right.
But if you want something a little more definite, here's what I believe: You'll know it's right when you feel that you are both an intuitive match (it just feels right) and an emotional one (you get along well, you treat each other with respect, you have the same values, etc.). It's always helpful to remember that if you're considering marriage in a partner, this person will be your life partner. Life partner is different than "person I just like to date." In other words, you might want to think about your partner's attributes that may become more important later on, even though they may not seem relevant now (i.e. how the person deals with finances, if the person wants kids, if the person believes family is important, etc.) And of course, you should know that what you see now is most likely what you get later on! So you have to accept your partner as is and not hope he/she will one day change. Many relationships fail because people hope or think their partner will be different later on. Yes, there will always be things about your partner you don't absolutely love but if they're minor, you're probably good to go!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
Let me first preface this question with: I work a lot. Recently my 7-year-old daughter asked me if she could have this new toy. I said, "No, we can't afford it." She said, "But Mom, don't you make money?" How do I make her understand about work, where my paycheck goes, rent, etc.?
Signed,
Needing Explanation
Dear Needing Explanation,
You can explain things about work, the economy, rent, etc. to your daughter, but it just has to be in her terms. For example, you can pick a toy she likes or a few Barbie dolls. Explain how "Work Barbie" lives with Ken and they both make money to pay for the Dream House. Explain the money Barbie makes from her job goes to pay for the Dream House each month, food for Barbie and Ken, phone and TV bills, etc. She'll understand a little better if she can "see" where the money is going.
You can always offer empathy too. "I know you really wanted that toy. I saw a sweater the other day I really wanted, too. But sometimes we can't always get everything we want. We need to first pay for things like Barbie and Ken do—money for the house and food."
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
For the past few months I've been dating this woman that I really like. The problem is that she has an 11-year-old son who I really don't care for. He's sort of bratty and definitely protective of his mom. But I also feel like my girlfriend puts him first, before me. Will I always be second in this relationship? What do I do?
Signed,
Son Messing Up My Game
Dear Son Messing Up My Game,
Here's the deal: You have a package deal. There is no "just girlfriend" here. It's girlfriend and her son.
What do you do? You accept that her son will always come first. Your girlfriend's first obligation is to her own flesh and blood, not some guy she's been dating for a few months. Yes, it's frustrating and possibly hurtful, but she's being a good mother. It sounds like you picked a woman who knows her moral obligations. You think you would, but you really wouldn't want it any other way.
You have a choice now: either know that you are dating a family (in a sense) and have patience with that, or look at the reality that you might need more from your girlfriend and that the relationship may not work because of that. But just know that you can't make your girlfriend choose between the two of you...because in essence, she already has.
All the best,
Kelli
How do you know if someone is "the one?"
Signed,
Not Quite Sure
Dear Not Quite Sure,
My dad told me something years ago that really says it all: "If you don't know -- you know." In other words, if you have to question the relationship, it probably isn't right.
But if you want something a little more definite, here's what I believe: You'll know it's right when you feel that you are both an intuitive match (it just feels right) and an emotional one (you get along well, you treat each other with respect, you have the same values, etc.). It's always helpful to remember that if you're considering marriage in a partner, this person will be your life partner. Life partner is different than "person I just like to date." In other words, you might want to think about your partner's attributes that may become more important later on, even though they may not seem relevant now (i.e. how the person deals with finances, if the person wants kids, if the person believes family is important, etc.) And of course, you should know that what you see now is most likely what you get later on! So you have to accept your partner as is and not hope he/she will one day change. Many relationships fail because people hope or think their partner will be different later on. Yes, there will always be things about your partner you don't absolutely love but if they're minor, you're probably good to go!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
Let me first preface this question with: I work a lot. Recently my 7-year-old daughter asked me if she could have this new toy. I said, "No, we can't afford it." She said, "But Mom, don't you make money?" How do I make her understand about work, where my paycheck goes, rent, etc.?
Signed,
Needing Explanation
Dear Needing Explanation,
You can explain things about work, the economy, rent, etc. to your daughter, but it just has to be in her terms. For example, you can pick a toy she likes or a few Barbie dolls. Explain how "Work Barbie" lives with Ken and they both make money to pay for the Dream House. Explain the money Barbie makes from her job goes to pay for the Dream House each month, food for Barbie and Ken, phone and TV bills, etc. She'll understand a little better if she can "see" where the money is going.
You can always offer empathy too. "I know you really wanted that toy. I saw a sweater the other day I really wanted, too. But sometimes we can't always get everything we want. We need to first pay for things like Barbie and Ken do—money for the house and food."
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
For the past few months I've been dating this woman that I really like. The problem is that she has an 11-year-old son who I really don't care for. He's sort of bratty and definitely protective of his mom. But I also feel like my girlfriend puts him first, before me. Will I always be second in this relationship? What do I do?
Signed,
Son Messing Up My Game
Dear Son Messing Up My Game,
Here's the deal: You have a package deal. There is no "just girlfriend" here. It's girlfriend and her son.
What do you do? You accept that her son will always come first. Your girlfriend's first obligation is to her own flesh and blood, not some guy she's been dating for a few months. Yes, it's frustrating and possibly hurtful, but she's being a good mother. It sounds like you picked a woman who knows her moral obligations. You think you would, but you really wouldn't want it any other way.
You have a choice now: either know that you are dating a family (in a sense) and have patience with that, or look at the reality that you might need more from your girlfriend and that the relationship may not work because of that. But just know that you can't make your girlfriend choose between the two of you...because in essence, she already has.
All the best,
Kelli
Ask Kelli: Sister Not Attending Events, Making Fun of People, & Asking Out a Girl...Again
Dear Kelli,
My sister has never attended any of my kids’ events (soccer games, birthday parties, etc.) nor has she ever given them any gifts. I just got an invite to her child’s Bar Mitzvah. Does my family go even though she never attended any of our events? Do we get a gift despite the fact she never gave our family any?
Signed,
Spiteful
Dear Spiteful,
I learned something awhile back. Never let anyone else’s behavior determine your character. Yes, it was wrong and hurtful for your sister never to attend any of your family’s events. So why would you do the same? Plus you don’t want to punish your sister’s kid for something your sister did. Remember this event is in honor of her son, not her! I would go and be the bigger person. As far the gift goes, you don’t have to go crazy but I would do a little something. Again, don’t let your sister’s behavior influence yours.
Perhaps this could open up a whole new line of communication between the families?
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I was with a group of work colleagues the other day and one guy “Dan” started making fun of a new girl in our office “Stephanie,” who’s extremely overweight. We were in front of everyone so I just laughed along with the crowd. I think I would have felt awkward if I said something. What do you think?
Signed,
Feeling Bad
Dear Feeling Bad,
Those situations aren’t easy to be in but in order for it to stop someone has to say something. That someone can be you next time. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just something along the lines of, “Dan, that isn’t really nice. Stephanie is a really sweet girl.” Ironically, you won’t be the one everyone feels awkward about- it will be the guy who made the rude comment. And I almost guarantee “Dan” won’t be making fun of anyone in the near future again. It’s amazing how once someone is embarrassed they learn their lesson quickly.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I’ve asked out a girl twice already and got turned down both times. But the funny thing is the girl still flirts with me when I see her out. Do I try one more time?
Signed,
Third Time’s a Charm
Dear Third Time’s a Charm,
Yes, I’d give it one last shot but that’s it.
You can even preface it with a little humor like this, “Hey Cindy, I know I’ve asked you out and you keep turning me down. But I feel a connection between us so I’m giving it one last shot. And I promise this is it. So if you say no now you’re losing me forever.”
Then make it the last time no matter if she flirts with you until the cows come home.
All the best,
Kelli
My sister has never attended any of my kids’ events (soccer games, birthday parties, etc.) nor has she ever given them any gifts. I just got an invite to her child’s Bar Mitzvah. Does my family go even though she never attended any of our events? Do we get a gift despite the fact she never gave our family any?
Signed,
Spiteful
Dear Spiteful,
I learned something awhile back. Never let anyone else’s behavior determine your character. Yes, it was wrong and hurtful for your sister never to attend any of your family’s events. So why would you do the same? Plus you don’t want to punish your sister’s kid for something your sister did. Remember this event is in honor of her son, not her! I would go and be the bigger person. As far the gift goes, you don’t have to go crazy but I would do a little something. Again, don’t let your sister’s behavior influence yours.
Perhaps this could open up a whole new line of communication between the families?
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I was with a group of work colleagues the other day and one guy “Dan” started making fun of a new girl in our office “Stephanie,” who’s extremely overweight. We were in front of everyone so I just laughed along with the crowd. I think I would have felt awkward if I said something. What do you think?
Signed,
Feeling Bad
Dear Feeling Bad,
Those situations aren’t easy to be in but in order for it to stop someone has to say something. That someone can be you next time. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just something along the lines of, “Dan, that isn’t really nice. Stephanie is a really sweet girl.” Ironically, you won’t be the one everyone feels awkward about- it will be the guy who made the rude comment. And I almost guarantee “Dan” won’t be making fun of anyone in the near future again. It’s amazing how once someone is embarrassed they learn their lesson quickly.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I’ve asked out a girl twice already and got turned down both times. But the funny thing is the girl still flirts with me when I see her out. Do I try one more time?
Signed,
Third Time’s a Charm
Dear Third Time’s a Charm,
Yes, I’d give it one last shot but that’s it.
You can even preface it with a little humor like this, “Hey Cindy, I know I’ve asked you out and you keep turning me down. But I feel a connection between us so I’m giving it one last shot. And I promise this is it. So if you say no now you’re losing me forever.”
Then make it the last time no matter if she flirts with you until the cows come home.
All the best,
Kelli
Friday, June 4, 2010
Ask Kelli: No Veggie Option, Drastic Hair Change, & Cheating Wife
Dear Kelli,
I'm a vegetarian and have been for many years. I went to a friend's BBQ this weekend and I was really surprised to find she didn't prepare a special meal for me. The main entrees were of course hamburgers and chicken but she didn't even have a veggie burger for me. I picked a little at the potato salad, but is it wrong for me to be upset with her?
Signed,
A Bone to Pick with a Friend
Dear A Bone to Pick with a Friend,
I understand why you are upset. You feel ignored and not taken care of. But let's give your friend the benefit of the doubt. It's very possible she simply forgot you're a vegetarian. I know when I'm preparing or entertaining I'm always in a mad rush until that first guest arrives. So I would let this one go. It really sounds like she really didn't do it on purpose. But next time you are in a dinner situation like this again, I'd either do two things:
1) Bring your own food
2) Thank the guest in advance for having you and then simply remind her that you're a vegetarian. You can try something like this: "Thanks so much Lisa in advance for having me over. I just wanted to remind you that I am a vegetarian. If this is a problem I can prepare something for myself. If not, please let me know what else I can bring for everyone else."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I recently ended a relationship with someone and desperately craving a change. I really want to cut my super long hair short and dye it black (it's blond now). Is that crazy or am I just grieving?
Signed,
Needing a Change
Dear Needing a Change,
A loss of a relationship is indeed a loss, so I'm glad you are acknowledging that you are grieving. A lot of times people think if someone's not dying, it's not really a loss. You have every right to feel angry, hurt, sad, etc. and to take the time you need to get over your relationship.
I'm glad you are taking a pause before you do anything drastic to your hair. Here are my thoughts: I would wait two weeks more to see if you still feel the same way about cutting and dyeing your hair. This way you know for sure you aren't making an impulsive decision and really want to make this change without a break-up clouding your judgment. If you find you feel the same way in two weeks, I say go for it. If you don't feel the same, well, you just saved yourself a whole lot of grief!
Remember, too, this doesn't have to be black or white (no pun intended). If you simply want to add a new style or get natural highlights to your 'do, that might
be a nice compromise. No, it's not as dramatic, but it might be smart to take less of a risk when you are the most vulnerable.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My wife had an affair eight months ago. We talked about it, and she promised she was ready to stay committed to me again. Well, a week ago I found out she was at the house of the the guy she slept. She cried, apologized, and swore she wouldn't do it again. I love her but feel blinded. Can I trust her again?
Signed,
Not Sure
Dear Not Sure,
I'm all for second chances but here's the thing: I already feel like you gave your wife hers. She cheated on you once, you forgave her, and she did it again. Two strikes and you're out! I don't mean to be harsh but it's only because I believe you deserve better. A woman (and a wife) who loves her husband doesn't cheat on him. She respects him as well as their commitment. Your wife broke her vows (twice) and now you'd be the fool if you gave her one more chance. By cheating again it shows your wife really is not ready. Sure, she may say she is but her actions spoke otherwise. Learn from your mistakes and end it. You'll find someone else who will love you the way you deserve.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Ask Kelli: Son Not Good at Sports, Forgiving Yourself, & Alcoholic or Normal?
Dear Kelli,
My son likes team sports a lot but the problem is he's not great at them. The coaches don't put him in much and I honestly understand why. But of course my son feels hurt by this. What can I do?
Signed,
No Michael Jordan
Dear No Michael Jordan,
Why not try individual sports for him? It sounds like your son is active and likes sports, so let him compete with himself. This way you can avoid any sensitivity for him over not being put in the game enough, other team members' reactions that might upset him, his standing when comparing himself to others, etc. Some great examples of individual sports are: swimming, running, martial arts, golf, skiing, and biking.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How do I forgive myself for something really, really stupid I've done?
Signed,
Holding Myself Accountable
Dear Holding Myself Accountable,
As Churchill once said, "All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes." So the best way to forgive yourself is to honestly learn from your mistakes and make a pact to not do it again. We're human and we mess up sometimes. So ease up on yourself but try to figure out why you made the mistake in the first place. Gaining insight is a great truth seeker!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I don't drink so I don't get it. My wife drinks a glass of wine every night at dinner. Addiction, obsession, or normal?
Thanks,
Protective Husband
Dear Protective Husband,
If she's not an alcoholic and drinks just one glass at dinner I'm definitely going with normal here. Wine is relaxing, so it makes sense that she enjoys it. It's okay. Now go bug her about something else!
All the best,
Kelli
My son likes team sports a lot but the problem is he's not great at them. The coaches don't put him in much and I honestly understand why. But of course my son feels hurt by this. What can I do?
Signed,
No Michael Jordan
Dear No Michael Jordan,
Why not try individual sports for him? It sounds like your son is active and likes sports, so let him compete with himself. This way you can avoid any sensitivity for him over not being put in the game enough, other team members' reactions that might upset him, his standing when comparing himself to others, etc. Some great examples of individual sports are: swimming, running, martial arts, golf, skiing, and biking.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How do I forgive myself for something really, really stupid I've done?
Signed,
Holding Myself Accountable
Dear Holding Myself Accountable,
As Churchill once said, "All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes." So the best way to forgive yourself is to honestly learn from your mistakes and make a pact to not do it again. We're human and we mess up sometimes. So ease up on yourself but try to figure out why you made the mistake in the first place. Gaining insight is a great truth seeker!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I don't drink so I don't get it. My wife drinks a glass of wine every night at dinner. Addiction, obsession, or normal?
Thanks,
Protective Husband
Dear Protective Husband,
If she's not an alcoholic and drinks just one glass at dinner I'm definitely going with normal here. Wine is relaxing, so it makes sense that she enjoys it. It's okay. Now go bug her about something else!
All the best,
Kelli
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Ask Kelli: Friends Stealing, Snake Phobia, & Sensitive Artist
Dear Kelli,
My good friend "Becky" came over the other day. I had my iPhone case lying out. That same day after she left I noticed it was gone.
It's possible that I misplaced it but then I saw my friend a week later using the same iPhone case!! Yes, it's possible she bought the same one but it seems too weird. Should I say something?
Signed,
Scared to Confront
Dear Scared to Confront,
This is what I would do. The next time you see her: "Hey Becky, you know I can't seem to find my iPhone case. Really weird. Did you by any chance happen to see it?" Here's her chance to say no if she really didn't take it or come clean if she really did. If she says no I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this one time. Now, I would, however, watch to see if there are any other weird incidents in the future. If so, you know who you aren't inviting over anymore.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have an extreme phobia of snakes. Even someone mentioning a story about one makes me queasy. How can I get over this?
Signed,
Ophiophobic
Dear Ophiophobic,
Good for you for wanting to get over your fear! That's of course, the first step. Since you mentioned this is an extreme fear, I'd highly suggest working with a trained therapist rather than doing this on your own. This way a therapist can monitor your progress, guide and support you, and make sure you don't regress.
Most often a therapist will use a process called "Systematic Desensitization" or
"Graduated Exposure Therapy." It's a behavioral therapy where you learn relaxation skills (breathing, meditation, etc.) to lessen the anxiety and fear surrounding your phobia. Once you've been taught these skills, you will use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. For example, just talking about snakes may be a 20 out of 100 on your fear scale. But looking at a picture of a snake may be a 70 out of 100. The goal of this process is that one learns to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, ultimately overcoming the final step in the chain of fears. In other words, in systematic desensitization one is gradually desensitized to the triggers that are causing the distress. Make sense? It sounds overwhelming but it's highly successful.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm an artist and build pottery jars. I overheard my brother-in-law say a really rude comment about one of my pieces to my husband. He's normally a nice guy, so is it right to say something to him? To let him know I heard the comment?
Signed,
Proud Artist
Dear Proud Artist,
Everyone has a right to their own opinion but not everyone has a right to share that opinion. I'm sorry your brother-in-law insulted you. Originally I was going to tell you to let the comment go. That unfortunately "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". But then I thought about how if I were in your shoes and I know I wouldn't just be able to shake it off. And that every time I saw my brother-in-law I'd want to scream, "I HEARD YOU SAY MY PIECE WAS UGLY!"
Here's the thing: he's your brother-in-law so he's not going anywhere real quick. And you're going to have to see him at functions, at the house, etc. That's why I think maybe you should say something along the lines of: "Hey Bob. This is a little uncomfortable but I wanted to let you know I heard what you said about my artwork. It's okay, you are entitled to your opinion but I wanted to let you know it did hurt my feelings. Perhaps you can tell me what you didn't like about the piece so I can get some constructive feedback?"
To me, that's a mature way to handle a rude comment. It's bold but I'm worried if you don't say anything at all you'll end up holding a grudge, resenting him, and ultimately ending a previously strong relationship (if you had one).
Now if your brother-in-law does comply and give you feedback, don't argue. Thank him and move on. Perhaps you could give him an updated piece of your artwork for his next birthday? Sort of as a joke and as a bury-the-hatchet kind of thing at the same time.
I'd also take this as a lesson learned. Being an artist entails a boatload of rejection. It sucks but it's also part of the territory. Accept the fact that not everyone is going to love your work -- just as you don't love every artist's piece you come across. It doesn't mean you are a bad artist or your work isn't lovely. It just means everyone has different taste.
All the best,
Kelli
My good friend "Becky" came over the other day. I had my iPhone case lying out. That same day after she left I noticed it was gone.
It's possible that I misplaced it but then I saw my friend a week later using the same iPhone case!! Yes, it's possible she bought the same one but it seems too weird. Should I say something?
Signed,
Scared to Confront
Dear Scared to Confront,
This is what I would do. The next time you see her: "Hey Becky, you know I can't seem to find my iPhone case. Really weird. Did you by any chance happen to see it?" Here's her chance to say no if she really didn't take it or come clean if she really did. If she says no I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this one time. Now, I would, however, watch to see if there are any other weird incidents in the future. If so, you know who you aren't inviting over anymore.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have an extreme phobia of snakes. Even someone mentioning a story about one makes me queasy. How can I get over this?
Signed,
Ophiophobic
Dear Ophiophobic,
Good for you for wanting to get over your fear! That's of course, the first step. Since you mentioned this is an extreme fear, I'd highly suggest working with a trained therapist rather than doing this on your own. This way a therapist can monitor your progress, guide and support you, and make sure you don't regress.
Most often a therapist will use a process called "Systematic Desensitization" or
"Graduated Exposure Therapy." It's a behavioral therapy where you learn relaxation skills (breathing, meditation, etc.) to lessen the anxiety and fear surrounding your phobia. Once you've been taught these skills, you will use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. For example, just talking about snakes may be a 20 out of 100 on your fear scale. But looking at a picture of a snake may be a 70 out of 100. The goal of this process is that one learns to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, ultimately overcoming the final step in the chain of fears. In other words, in systematic desensitization one is gradually desensitized to the triggers that are causing the distress. Make sense? It sounds overwhelming but it's highly successful.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm an artist and build pottery jars. I overheard my brother-in-law say a really rude comment about one of my pieces to my husband. He's normally a nice guy, so is it right to say something to him? To let him know I heard the comment?
Signed,
Proud Artist
Dear Proud Artist,
Everyone has a right to their own opinion but not everyone has a right to share that opinion. I'm sorry your brother-in-law insulted you. Originally I was going to tell you to let the comment go. That unfortunately "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". But then I thought about how if I were in your shoes and I know I wouldn't just be able to shake it off. And that every time I saw my brother-in-law I'd want to scream, "I HEARD YOU SAY MY PIECE WAS UGLY!"
Here's the thing: he's your brother-in-law so he's not going anywhere real quick. And you're going to have to see him at functions, at the house, etc. That's why I think maybe you should say something along the lines of: "Hey Bob. This is a little uncomfortable but I wanted to let you know I heard what you said about my artwork. It's okay, you are entitled to your opinion but I wanted to let you know it did hurt my feelings. Perhaps you can tell me what you didn't like about the piece so I can get some constructive feedback?"
To me, that's a mature way to handle a rude comment. It's bold but I'm worried if you don't say anything at all you'll end up holding a grudge, resenting him, and ultimately ending a previously strong relationship (if you had one).
Now if your brother-in-law does comply and give you feedback, don't argue. Thank him and move on. Perhaps you could give him an updated piece of your artwork for his next birthday? Sort of as a joke and as a bury-the-hatchet kind of thing at the same time.
I'd also take this as a lesson learned. Being an artist entails a boatload of rejection. It sucks but it's also part of the territory. Accept the fact that not everyone is going to love your work -- just as you don't love every artist's piece you come across. It doesn't mean you are a bad artist or your work isn't lovely. It just means everyone has different taste.
All the best,
Kelli
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Ask Kelli: Eating Disorders, Adopting Kids, & Loaning Money,
Dear Kelli,
How do you know if you have an eating disorder? I feel like I'm extremely concerned about my weight. I think about food and my body all the time. I don't restrict my food intake or throw up but I'm extremely conscious about it. I'm a "normal" weight but feel like I could be thinner. I eat pretty much low-calorie foods and exercise at least two hours every day. What do you think? I'm willing to see a therapist but not sure if it's necessary.
Signed,
Body Obsessed
Dear Body Obsessed,
Without even seeing you I can tell you have some challenges with food and body image. In my opinion, any time an issue becomes unmanageable and disturbs one's normal life, the person should seek treatment. It sounds like this is your case. With that being said, I'm extremely proud of you for reaching out and being open to the idea of seeing a therapist. I would highly suggest you do so.
There are many gray areas when it comes to eating disorders. It used to be just
anorexia (restricting food), bulimia (binge eating followed by purging), or
compulsive eating (uncontrollable eating); now there are many quasi-disorders
in which treatment from a therapist can substantially help. So just because you don't restrict or purge doesn't mean you don't necessarily have an eating disorder.
Overeaters Anonymous is a fabulous 12-step program for people with eating disorders. It shouldn't be a substitute for treatment but it's a great complement or start to your recovery. You can find more information here: http://www.oa.org
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm currently taking care of my 3-year-old grandson because my daughter is always working and not totally capable. She loves her son but doesn't see him that often (she works late) or is off doing something else. I would like to legally adopt him. Do you think I should?
Signed,
Grandma Wanting to Be Mom
Dear Grandma Wanting to Be Mom,
I would first you suggest a family law attorney. This sounds more like a legal issue than a therapist one. The only thing I can say is the best situation for your grandson is the one where he is best taken care of. Is that with you? Based on what you said (mother is working and not capable), most probably. It sounds like this is the best plan for the child but contact a lawyer to deal with specifics.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
A friend of mine borrowed $60 three months ago for a chair she wanted to buy. I
still haven't seen the money. I've reminded her twice and she keeps saying she'll pay me back. But I still haven't seen the money. Any thoughts?
Signed,
Loan Shark
Dear Loan Shark,
The reality is you're probably never going to see the money. It's a hard lesson to learn but an important one. You learned you aren't going to lend money to this "friend" again (and possibly anyone else). You can try again with something like: "Hey Gina, my credit card bill came yesterday. As you know I lent you $60 for the chair. Now, however, it's time to return it. I really need to pay my bill. Thanks for understanding." If this friend still doesn't pay you back I wouldn't blame you for ending the relationship. No friend takes money and doesn't pay it back. Friends are responsible and loyal to one another.
All the best,
Kelli
How do you know if you have an eating disorder? I feel like I'm extremely concerned about my weight. I think about food and my body all the time. I don't restrict my food intake or throw up but I'm extremely conscious about it. I'm a "normal" weight but feel like I could be thinner. I eat pretty much low-calorie foods and exercise at least two hours every day. What do you think? I'm willing to see a therapist but not sure if it's necessary.
Signed,
Body Obsessed
Dear Body Obsessed,
Without even seeing you I can tell you have some challenges with food and body image. In my opinion, any time an issue becomes unmanageable and disturbs one's normal life, the person should seek treatment. It sounds like this is your case. With that being said, I'm extremely proud of you for reaching out and being open to the idea of seeing a therapist. I would highly suggest you do so.
There are many gray areas when it comes to eating disorders. It used to be just
anorexia (restricting food), bulimia (binge eating followed by purging), or
compulsive eating (uncontrollable eating); now there are many quasi-disorders
in which treatment from a therapist can substantially help. So just because you don't restrict or purge doesn't mean you don't necessarily have an eating disorder.
Overeaters Anonymous is a fabulous 12-step program for people with eating disorders. It shouldn't be a substitute for treatment but it's a great complement or start to your recovery. You can find more information here: http://www.oa.org
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm currently taking care of my 3-year-old grandson because my daughter is always working and not totally capable. She loves her son but doesn't see him that often (she works late) or is off doing something else. I would like to legally adopt him. Do you think I should?
Signed,
Grandma Wanting to Be Mom
Dear Grandma Wanting to Be Mom,
I would first you suggest a family law attorney. This sounds more like a legal issue than a therapist one. The only thing I can say is the best situation for your grandson is the one where he is best taken care of. Is that with you? Based on what you said (mother is working and not capable), most probably. It sounds like this is the best plan for the child but contact a lawyer to deal with specifics.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
A friend of mine borrowed $60 three months ago for a chair she wanted to buy. I
still haven't seen the money. I've reminded her twice and she keeps saying she'll pay me back. But I still haven't seen the money. Any thoughts?
Signed,
Loan Shark
Dear Loan Shark,
The reality is you're probably never going to see the money. It's a hard lesson to learn but an important one. You learned you aren't going to lend money to this "friend" again (and possibly anyone else). You can try again with something like: "Hey Gina, my credit card bill came yesterday. As you know I lent you $60 for the chair. Now, however, it's time to return it. I really need to pay my bill. Thanks for understanding." If this friend still doesn't pay you back I wouldn't blame you for ending the relationship. No friend takes money and doesn't pay it back. Friends are responsible and loyal to one another.
All the best,
Kelli
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)