Ask Kelli: Sister Not Attending Events, Making Fun of People, & Asking Out a Girl...Again

Dear Kelli,
My sister has never attended any of my kids’ events (soccer games, birthday parties, etc.) nor has she ever given them any gifts. I just got an invite to her child’s Bar Mitzvah. Does my family go even though she never attended any of our events? Do we get a gift despite the fact she never gave our family any?
Signed,
Spiteful

Dear Spiteful,
I learned something awhile back. Never let anyone else’s behavior determine your character. Yes, it was wrong and hurtful for your sister never to attend any of your family’s events. So why would you do the same? Plus you don’t want to punish your sister’s kid for something your sister did. Remember this event is in honor of her son, not her! I would go and be the bigger person. As far the gift goes, you don’t have to go crazy but I would do a little something. Again, don’t let your sister’s behavior influence yours.
Perhaps this could open up a whole new line of communication between the families?
All the best,
Kelli

Dear Kelli,
I was with a group of work colleagues the other day and one guy “Dan” started making fun of a new girl in our office “Stephanie,” who’s extremely overweight. We were in front of everyone so I just laughed along with the crowd. I think I would have felt awkward if I said something. What do you think?
Signed,
Feeling Bad

Dear Feeling Bad,
Those situations aren’t easy to be in but in order for it to stop someone has to say something. That someone can be you next time. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just something along the lines of, “Dan, that isn’t really nice. Stephanie is a really sweet girl.” Ironically, you won’t be the one everyone feels awkward about- it will be the guy who made the rude comment. And I almost guarantee “Dan” won’t be making fun of anyone in the near future again. It’s amazing how once someone is embarrassed they learn their lesson quickly.
All the best,
Kelli

Dear Kelli,
I’ve asked out a girl twice already and got turned down both times. But the funny thing is the girl still flirts with me when I see her out. Do I try one more time?
Signed,
Third Time’s a Charm

Dear Third Time’s a Charm,
Yes, I’d give it one last shot but that’s it.

You can even preface it with a little humor like this, “Hey Cindy, I know I’ve asked you out and you keep turning me down. But I feel a connection between us so I’m giving it one last shot. And I promise this is it. So if you say no now you’re losing me forever.”

Then make it the last time no matter if she flirts with you until the cows come home.
All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: No Passion on Date, Men's Receding Hair, & Frugal Foodie

Dear Kelli,
I have been meeting this wonderful man during the last two weeks and have been invited by him to two lunches, one dinner, a theater play and a film at the cinema. We have great conversations and we seem to click on multiple levels. I do not want to come across as anxious, but usually by the third date I would expect a more seductive hint, such as a touch of hands or even a passionate kiss. However, in spite of his continuing to invite me out -- we have plans in the coming days -- and really enjoying our company, it seems that it is not evolving beyond a platonic level. I am interested in something more than that, but my terrible fear is that he may be gay. If I confront him in that regard, he may take offense (if he is not!) and worse, I could lose this wonderful friendship altogether. Any advice on how to move forward?

Signed,
A Woman Yearning for Passion


Dear Woman Yearning for Passion,
Patience my girl! Patience! It's only been two weeks -- not two years! I actually think it's great you two are taking it slow. So many times couples get intimate way too quickly and miss out on really getting to know each other. I know it's hard. If you're anything short of a nun it's not going to be easy. But I would really take this chance to see if you guys are really a good match. What is his position on the death penalty? Is he into 20/20 or Housewives of Atlanta? Does he like hiking or is his idea of exercise getting up to get a beer? You catch my drift…

With that said, I would wait just a little bit longer. If after a month or two from now he's still acting statue-esque, it's time for a talk. I would say something along the lines of:

"I've really enjoyed your company these last few weeks. But I did just want to check in and see how you feel about our relationship. How do you view it?"

However you want to do it, I would just make sure to leave the question open-ended. An open-ended question facilitates more of a detailed response rather than a yes or no question which can be answered in one quick word. And for this you want as much detail as possible!

All the best,
Kelli


Hey Kelli,
I'm 24 and am dating a great guy who is 25. While it does not bother me, his hair line is definitely receding and I think it qualifies as male pattern baldness. It doesn't bother me at all, but it definitely bothers him. He's sort of growing his hair out to cover up the front and actually the shaggy combover look probably isn't the most flattering style he could rock. What can I do as a girlfriend to help him realize that it's okay to have a receding hairline, and that accepting hair loss gracefully is more attractive than trying to mask it with complicated hair styles? He definitely hasn't had a haircut in months and it's starting to look unkempt and doesn't really even hide the receding hairline. I read online that Rogaine isn't for a receding hairline. Could he be a candidate for Propecia? And what is my role as his girlfriend in this?

Signed,
Doesn't Know How to Help


Dear Doesn't Know How to Help,
I think it's smart that you're approaching this subject with delicacy. I relate a man's hair to a woman's weight: Approach with caution.

I had an idea but it takes your participation as well. Say to your man, "Hey, I've been thinking about it. What if we do something totally different and both got makeovers?" Now you can either do something drastic like change your hair style (or color) or do something not as extreme and just change your style of clothing. The idea is to show him you are able to step out of the box as well. Then I would simply suggest the idea of a new hairstyle for him. If he does choose to do it, be sure to praise him and tell him how wonderful and sexy he looks. And be sure to reward him (if you get my drift...)

If he's resistant to a makeover, then I would suggest taking the cutesy but honest approach. Maybe something like, "Hey John, you know I'm great with fashion and trends, right? And I was thinking -- you have such beautiful eyes. But the way you do your hair doesn't really show them off. Why not just go more natural? What if we style your hair this way? You'd look so hot without it." Who could resist that, especially coming from the person he admires the most?!

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband and I are tight with finances right now and we're quite embarrassed by it. Our best couple friends do not have this problem. Because money isn't an issue for them, they are constantly asking us to go to expensive restaurants. I can't afford inexpensive restaurants, let alone expensive ones! I don't want to seem cheap and I'm not ready to be honest about our finances. I also don't want to lose out on their friendship. We're really enjoyed eating with them in the past. What to do?

Signed,
Frugal Foodie


Dear Frugal Foodie,
Call them up and invite them to your house for dinner. You can serve four and even a bottle of wine for very little money. If you enjoy the evening, ask them if they wouldn't mind doing the home thing more often, maybe even switching off houses. Tell them you like the ambiance, not worrying about parking, and making dinner all together.

You can read more about budget friendly recipes here:
http://allrecipes.com/HowTo/Cooking-on-a-Budget/Detail.aspx
http://www.betterbudgeting.com/frugalrecipelist.htm
http://www.cheapcooking.com/

When the weather gets warmer you can also suggest a picnic outside.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Dating, Facebook Etiquette, & Energy Tips

Dear Kelli,
I am on the Cleveland Park listserve and enjoy reading your advice.

Do you have recommendations on dating service/ matchmakers? I have tried a few
different dating sites, including Jdate, but with no success. I am 44 years old
but look younger, and would like to meet someone my age, or even a few years younger. I am a good-looking professional woman, originally from Europe, and I
would like to meet a good-looking, smart guy, with a good sense of humor and of
course, educated, interesting, etc. -- the usual. I have tried internet
dating/speed dating, everything. What would you recommend? Do you possibly know
of a good matchmaker?

Thanks for your advice.

Signed,
Looking to Meet a Mate


Dear Looking to Meet a Mate,
'Tis the season for trying to find a date, huh? This seems to be the common
theme lately!

Because this question has been asked a few times before I'm just going to post
the link for the back issues of my answers:

http://askkelli.blogspot.com/2009/11/where-to-meet-men-husband-tagging-along.htm\
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http://askkelli.blogspot.com/2009/10/dear-kelli-im-jewish-27-year-old-female.htm\
l

And as far as matchmakers…the finest matchmakers in my opinion are your family
and friends. They know you the best, know what you are looking for, and don't
have a vested interest in trying to make a buck out of it! So put the word out
to your family and friends that you want to meet someone. Who knows -- maybe
your mom could talk to her friend Linda who knows her neighbor's cousin who just
happens to have a brother who is single! You laugh but it's true: you never
know what could happen. But it won't work unless you start the trend!

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have a work colleague whose wife friended me on Facebook. That's fine and I
accepted but I soon discovered her status messages to everyone are completely
inappropriate. She'll say something like, "Feeling really sexy today. Just
popped out my Victoria's Secret new undies…" Does she realize she's making a
spectacle of herself? Should I say something to her husband?

Signed,
Cautious Friend


Dear Cautious Friend,
Ahh…Facebook. Some people utilize it to meet and reconnect with friends.
Others use it to get attention. I'm thinking that's the case for your friend's
wife.

So here's the thing: to each his own with Facebook. It's like clothing at work.
Sometimes you may find people wearing things inappropriate but you can't really
say anything (unless you're in HR but that's a different story). So in this
case, it's her post, her life, and her risk of embarrassment.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything to your friend. It's not worth the risk of
your work relationship over his wife's crazy posts. Plus, he may not be
offended because he may find his wife's post amusing or appealing. It's his
wife after all…

But does he realize she's even posting these crazy things, you ask? Probably.
Chances are: 1) He's a "friend" of hers as well and can see the posts. 2)
Someone who would post things like that tells me his wife is probably fairly
similar outside of Facebook. In other words, I'm sure your friend wouldn't be
shocked out of his mind if he did discover her messages.

All the best,
Kelli



Dear Kelli,
I have NO energy at all. I've ruled out any and all medical causes (been to a
few different doctors). Any general tips on how to be a little more lively? I
know you aren't an MD but I just need some everyday tips.

Signed,
Sleepy Slug


Dear Sleepy Slug,
I'm glad you at least ruled out any medical concerns. But you didn't mention
how you are feeling emotionally. Are you depressed at all? Depression can
often disguise itself as fatigue. If so, I highly encourage you to talk with a
therapist or counselor.

But assuming all is well physically and emotionally, here are a few tips that
work for me:

1) Drink more water! Dehydration can make you feel sluggish (and be careful of
caffeinated beverages which can dehydrate you further).

2) Eat healthy. Sugar and refined carbs can give you a lift periodically but
can cause a huge crash later in the day. You're better off eating lean
proteins, complex carbs (fruits, vegetables, whole grain bread, etc), and
healthy fats (olive oil, avocado, etc.).

3) Eat every 3-4 hours to keep your blood sugar stable.

4) Listen to music. One study found that workers who listened to music were 10%
more productive than without them.

5) Exercise. I know. This feels like the last thing you want to do when you
are tired. But exercise begets energy! Even a simple walk can give you a lift.

6) If you are desperate and need caffeine to wake up try Yerbe matte or green
tea (as opposed to energy drinks or coffee).

All the best,
Kelli

Where to Meet Men, Husband Tagging Along, and Etiquette

Dear Kelli,
Here's my question: I am 33 and just moved to DC to start a new job. I am single and looking for a relationship but the majority of people I seem to be meeting are in their mid- to late-20s. Now, I have nothing against men in their mid-20s-- I have, in fact, dated some in the past but they are often in very different psychological spaces in terms of their relationship goals.

Most of my friends (male and female) are married and have started families. I have nothing against that path but I was not ready to settle down until recently. Unfortunately, I feel like I am now surrounded by people who are basically like my friends were 10 years ago: men in their mid-20s who want to settle down with women in their mid-20s -- not with women in their mid-30s. I never admitted it before because I have never felt old or starved for male
attention, but I feel I am soon to miss the dating/marriage/kids boat if something doesn't change.

Where can I meet like-minded men in an organic, authentic manner that does not require an established local social network and does not brand me as "desperate" or "on the husband hunt"? I am a well-traveled, emotionally-intelligent, Ivy-educated woman whom men and women have described as beautiful (not to be immodest). Most of the time, people are shocked when they find out I don't have a boyfriend. But how do I get past the "it should be easy for you to find a date" to "I am actually dating someone"?

Thanks!
Possibly over-the-hill on the Hill


Dear Possibly over-the-hill on the Hill,
Okay, here's the deal. I'm not sure there is an organic way to meet a man if you are truly "looking." In other words, you usually meet a mate "naturally" when you aren't looking. So you have a few choices. You can live your life normally and do more for you (classes, vacations, etc.) and perhaps meet a man that way or you go the opposite approach and be proactive about finding a guy. Yes, both choices stink. And there is no guarantee either way. But the good
news? You can do both simultaneously. Why not enrich your life while looking for a mate? Take that Italian class you always want to take. The dance class you saw in the window on the way to work. You get the idea. And on the other hand make meeting someone happen. If you've read my columns before you know I'm a big proponent of online dating. And here's the great advantage for you. You can put in your profile that you want men in their 30s. That weeds out the 20-somethings you spoke of. Or you can keep your profile open and the 20-somethings come to you KNOWING you are 30-something. Then it's their call and they know what they are getting into! You can also specify on your profile that you want to get married, not just date casually. You can see back issues of my column for online dating website suggestions:
http://askkelli.blogspot.com/2009/10/dear-kelli-im-jewish-27-year-old-female.htm\
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I'm also a big believer in word of mouth. So put the word out that you are looking. Yes, tell your neighbors, your friends, even your mom. You're not desperate, you're smart. You're not wasting time because you know what you want. And you are asking like-minded people for a recommendation. Think of it like asking a friend for a good tailor. Or therapist. Only these people are helping you find a good guy. Essentially they are doing the weeding out for you! Finally, it never hurts to go to places where the type of men you like will be. Into sports? The ratio at a basketball game is usually 1:10 for girls vs. guys. So not half bad! Like discovering things? Why not visit the Smithsonian? Love animals? The zoo could be a different place to check out the
scene.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and have a good married girl friend who I want to spend more time with. Only every time I ask her to do something she brings her husband along! It's fine once in a while but I just want it to be us girls sometimes.

Signed,
Three's a crowd

Dear Three's a crowd,
I can imagine it's not always comfortable to be the third party. But know you have a right to your friend alone even if she is married. Just because she has a ring on her finger doesn't mean her husband is surgically attached to her. So this is what I would suggest next time you make plans. "Hey Betty, do you mind if this lunch is just us girls?" Simple yet to the point. If you don't feel quite comfortable with just that, you could qualify and say, "I just want to talk to about more feminine stuff and would feel more comfortable with just you if that's okay."

You could also always suggest more "girly" stuff to do next time you have plans. A spa, getting a manicure, and bra shopping are all things I'm not sure the husband would be exactly jumping to attend.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to learn about etiquette (in all kinds of situations)?

Thanks,
No Manners


Dear No Manners,
The most popular person who speaks about etiquette is Emily Post. She has several different books out depending on what you are looking for. See here (on Amazon) for her books:
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=emily+po\
st&x=0&y=0 You can also go to the Emily Post Institute's website for more information: http://www.emilypost.com/

I also like Etiquette for Dummies by Sue Fox and The Little Book of Etiquette by Dorothea Johnson.

Additionally, if you have an iPhone there is a great application called Etiquette Avenue that gives you tips on writing thank-you notes, making small talk, etc.

All the best,
Kelli

Lonely in the City & Should You Date Your Neighbor?

Dear Kelli,
I'm lonesome for the first time in my life. My kids are grown and live far away and my finances are limited. I work full time and am busy but would like to have a bit more fun. I'm looking to find some new people in my life. Suggestions? Groups you know of? I like to walk and play tennis, food, wine, fine art and craft and I live in the DC area.

Signed,
Lonely in Cleveland Park

Dear Lonely,
First of all, I congratulate you on noticing your discomfort and wanting to make a positive change around it! I think it completely understandable you'd want to add some more action into your life considering your kids are gone and you're busy with work. It's extremely important to have outside interests with others. Not only will it keep you balanced but studies have shown social interaction leads to a longer, healthier life.

My first suggestion would be to sign up at www.meetup.com Meetup.com is a website designed to get groups of like-minded people who similar interests together. I've looked for you and found a group for all the interests you described: walking, tennis, food, wine, fine art, and craft. The best news? All of these groups are within a few miles of Washington, DC. Second, I would go to your local tennis courts and/or community center and put up a posting for finding a tennis partner or walking buddy. Third, spread the word to everyone you know about your interests. Tell neighbors, friends, landlords, etc. Who knows who can connect you to people who are looking for the same things as you. Maybe your neighbor just heard about someone wanting to throw a potluck dinner and could put you two in touch? Or what if you told your cousin about a wine
tasting you wanted to attend and she heard of a few people going? You never know the connections that could take place. Fourth, to satisfy that Martha Stewart side of you, Michael's (the craft store) has excellent classes where you can meet people and participate in all sorts of art activities. You can find out more information here: http://www.michaels.com . Finally, why not hold a get together at your place? Invite friends that you know and request that they
bring a friend you haven't met. You get the best of both worlds: friends you already know and the chance to meet others you don't.

Good luck!

All the Best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and my neighbor's recently divorced. Recently I've become attracted to her. I'm not sure that she's marrying potential, but I'd like to date her, and, well, be intimate with her. I'm worried, however, that if and when (and probably when) we break up, it will cause bad neighbor relations. Any advice?
Signed,
Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,
Oh boy. You've already started with "when we break up?" Never a good sign, my friend. It sounds like you don't want to date this neighbor, you want to, well, let's just say, mow her lawn. If you know she isn't marriage potential, why risk that awkwardness when it's over? Every time you get your mail you'll have to wonder if you'll run into her. Not fun. The truth is: you can always mow anyone's lawn, if you catch my drift, with no strings attached. So don't risk
it with this neighbor. Let the grass be greener on the other side.

All the best,
Kelli