Ask Kelli: The One, Child Doesn't Understand Money, & Dating Woman with Child

Dear Kelli,
How do you know if someone is "the one?"

Signed,
Not Quite Sure


Dear Not Quite Sure,
My dad told me something years ago that really says it all: "If you don't know -- you know." In other words, if you have to question the relationship, it probably isn't right.

But if you want something a little more definite, here's what I believe: You'll know it's right when you feel that you are both an intuitive match (it just feels right) and an emotional one (you get along well, you treat each other with respect, you have the same values, etc.). It's always helpful to remember that if you're considering marriage in a partner, this person will be your life partner. Life partner is different than "person I just like to date." In other words, you might want to think about your partner's attributes that may become more important later on, even though they may not seem relevant now (i.e. how the person deals with finances, if the person wants kids, if the person believes family is important, etc.) And of course, you should know that what you see now is most likely what you get later on! So you have to accept your partner as is and not hope he/she will one day change. Many relationships fail because people hope or think their partner will be different later on. Yes, there will always be things about your partner you don't absolutely love but if they're minor, you're probably good to go!

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
Let me first preface this question with: I work a lot. Recently my 7-year-old daughter asked me if she could have this new toy. I said, "No, we can't afford it." She said, "But Mom, don't you make money?" How do I make her understand about work, where my paycheck goes, rent, etc.?

Signed,
Needing Explanation


Dear Needing Explanation,
You can explain things about work, the economy, rent, etc. to your daughter, but it just has to be in her terms. For example, you can pick a toy she likes or a few Barbie dolls. Explain how "Work Barbie" lives with Ken and they both make money to pay for the Dream House. Explain the money Barbie makes from her job goes to pay for the Dream House each month, food for Barbie and Ken, phone and TV bills, etc. She'll understand a little better if she can "see" where the money is going.

You can always offer empathy too. "I know you really wanted that toy. I saw a sweater the other day I really wanted, too. But sometimes we can't always get everything we want. We need to first pay for things like Barbie and Ken do—money for the house and food."

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
For the past few months I've been dating this woman that I really like. The problem is that she has an 11-year-old son who I really don't care for. He's sort of bratty and definitely protective of his mom. But I also feel like my girlfriend puts him first, before me. Will I always be second in this relationship? What do I do?

Signed,
Son Messing Up My Game


Dear Son Messing Up My Game,
Here's the deal: You have a package deal. There is no "just girlfriend" here. It's girlfriend and her son.

What do you do? You accept that her son will always come first. Your girlfriend's first obligation is to her own flesh and blood, not some guy she's been dating for a few months. Yes, it's frustrating and possibly hurtful, but she's being a good mother. It sounds like you picked a woman who knows her moral obligations. You think you would, but you really wouldn't want it any other way.

You have a choice now: either know that you are dating a family (in a sense) and have patience with that, or look at the reality that you might need more from your girlfriend and that the relationship may not work because of that. But just know that you can't make your girlfriend choose between the two of you...because in essence, she already has.

All the best,
Kelli