Ask Kelli: Friends Stealing, Snake Phobia, & Sensitive Artist

Dear Kelli,
My good friend "Becky" came over the other day. I had my iPhone case lying out. That same day after she left I noticed it was gone.

It's possible that I misplaced it but then I saw my friend a week later using the same iPhone case!! Yes, it's possible she bought the same one but it seems too weird. Should I say something?

Signed,
Scared to Confront


Dear Scared to Confront,
This is what I would do. The next time you see her: "Hey Becky, you know I can't seem to find my iPhone case. Really weird. Did you by any chance happen to see it?" Here's her chance to say no if she really didn't take it or come clean if she really did. If she says no I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this one time. Now, I would, however, watch to see if there are any other weird incidents in the future. If so, you know who you aren't inviting over anymore.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have an extreme phobia of snakes. Even someone mentioning a story about one makes me queasy. How can I get over this?

Signed,
Ophiophobic


Dear Ophiophobic,
Good for you for wanting to get over your fear! That's of course, the first step. Since you mentioned this is an extreme fear, I'd highly suggest working with a trained therapist rather than doing this on your own. This way a therapist can monitor your progress, guide and support you, and make sure you don't regress.

Most often a therapist will use a process called "Systematic Desensitization" or
"Graduated Exposure Therapy." It's a behavioral therapy where you learn relaxation skills (breathing, meditation, etc.) to lessen the anxiety and fear surrounding your phobia. Once you've been taught these skills, you will use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. For example, just talking about snakes may be a 20 out of 100 on your fear scale. But looking at a picture of a snake may be a 70 out of 100. The goal of this process is that one learns to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, ultimately overcoming the final step in the chain of fears. In other words, in systematic desensitization one is gradually desensitized to the triggers that are causing the distress. Make sense? It sounds overwhelming but it's highly successful.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm an artist and build pottery jars. I overheard my brother-in-law say a really rude comment about one of my pieces to my husband. He's normally a nice guy, so is it right to say something to him? To let him know I heard the comment?

Signed,
Proud Artist


Dear Proud Artist,
Everyone has a right to their own opinion but not everyone has a right to share that opinion. I'm sorry your brother-in-law insulted you. Originally I was going to tell you to let the comment go. That unfortunately "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". But then I thought about how if I were in your shoes and I know I wouldn't just be able to shake it off. And that every time I saw my brother-in-law I'd want to scream, "I HEARD YOU SAY MY PIECE WAS UGLY!"

Here's the thing: he's your brother-in-law so he's not going anywhere real quick. And you're going to have to see him at functions, at the house, etc. That's why I think maybe you should say something along the lines of: "Hey Bob. This is a little uncomfortable but I wanted to let you know I heard what you said about my artwork. It's okay, you are entitled to your opinion but I wanted to let you know it did hurt my feelings. Perhaps you can tell me what you didn't like about the piece so I can get some constructive feedback?"

To me, that's a mature way to handle a rude comment. It's bold but I'm worried if you don't say anything at all you'll end up holding a grudge, resenting him, and ultimately ending a previously strong relationship (if you had one).

Now if your brother-in-law does comply and give you feedback, don't argue. Thank him and move on. Perhaps you could give him an updated piece of your artwork for his next birthday? Sort of as a joke and as a bury-the-hatchet kind of thing at the same time.

I'd also take this as a lesson learned. Being an artist entails a boatload of rejection. It sucks but it's also part of the territory. Accept the fact that not everyone is going to love your work -- just as you don't love every artist's piece you come across. It doesn't mean you are a bad artist or your work isn't lovely. It just means everyone has different taste.

All the best,
Kelli