Dear Kelli,
Do you think it's wrong to make specifications and changes to a menu item? For example, when I go out to eat I may say, "No croutons on my salad" or "Can I have rice instead of a potato?" My brother says it's inconsiderate.
Signed,
Picky Eater
Dear Picky Eater,
No, I don't think it's wrong or inconsiderate to make changes to a menu item. You are paying for the meal, therefore you should absolutely have it the way you want it. Just know, of course, if the substitution item is more than the original item, you have to be prepared to pay extra for that. And your server may spit in your food (only kidding).
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is the best way in your opinion to confront a friend who I think (but am not sure) may have a drug problem?
Signed,
Worried Friend
Dear Worried Friend,
I applaud you for wanting to reach out and help your friend. But my first question to you is: do you know for sure that your friend has an actual drug problem? A lot of times depression can seem like a drug issue, or rumors can start from other people that may not be true. Before you confront your friend, just make sure you are fairly certain it's a drug issue and not something else (which you then can address). Assuming you know it's a drug issue, I'd go the honest approach: "Sally, I'm going to be straightforward here because I care a great deal about you. You're one of my closest friends but I've noticed a change in you. I'm concerned you have a drug problem and I want to help you. Are you willing to get help so you can start feeling better?"
Perhaps you could research recommended therapists who specialize in drug abuse or recommend some local treatment centers so your friend feels supported.
For additional info you can check out these sites:
http://www.abovetheinfluence.com/
http://www.drugfree.org/Intervention/HelpingOthers/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/drug_substance_abuse_addiction_signs_effects_tre\
atment.htm
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How accurate are home pregnancy tests?
Signed,
Possibly Pregnant
Dear Possibly Pregnant,
If you're talking about over-the-counter tests, most are fairly accurate but the percentage varies depending on several factors. Most tests claim to be "greater
than 99 percent accurate" but a study published in 2004 in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology showed that this is misleading. Some tests may be able to detect the hormone in your urine at that point and give you a positive result, but most aren't sensitive enough to guarantee you an accurate result. For a more accurate result I would suggest getting a blood test at your doctor or OB's office.
And if you do take a home pregnancy test:
· Wait as long as possible after your period to take the test. The amount of HCG or pregnancy hormone in your urine increases with time. So, the earlier after a missed period you take the test, the harder it is to spot the HCG. Also, testing your urine first thing in the morning may boost the accuracy.
· Be sure to check the expiration date on the package and follow the instructions carefully.
· Wait ten minutes after taking the test to check the results window (research suggests that waiting 10 minutes will give the most accurate result).
If you're concerned you are pregnant, again I'd recommend going to your doctor's office to be 100 percent sure.
All the best,
Kelli
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Ask Kelli: Sibling Problems, Spouse Drinking, & Career Counseling
Dear Kelli,
I have one sibling, an older sister, and we are very close. We are 16 months apart and our relationship has been compared to that of twin sisters. Even though we live three hours apart by car, we talk on the phone multiple times a day and manage to see each other once or twice a month.
My sister has always been one to bend the truth and tell personal stories in a way that make her look good even if it means leaving out significant details (usually those details that may show her in a negative light). Lately, her ability to tell the truth is getting worse and it's really starting to irritate me. She lies about the simplest things: For example, if she goes for a walk through the neighborhood, she'll tell people she went biking because it makes it sound like she had more of a work out (even though she doesn't own a bike).
I didn't used to confront her about her white lies, but I can't help it anymore. Lately when something doesn't make sense to me or I know one of her statements or stories to be false, I ask her to explain. Naturally, she doesn't like being questioned about her lies and she gets very defensive. This usually leads to an
argument. I've asked her to just tell me the truth and then we wouldn't have any
issues. She even broke down recently and said she has an issue with telling the whole story (still not admitting that her problem also includes being dishonest). She said there is so much bad stuff going on in her life right now that she leaves out details sometimes (her 41-year-old husband has been unemployed for 10 months and joined the Army at the end of February as a last resort, she lost her home about five years ago because her husband had a serious gambling problem and gambled away a half a million dollars, so they had to move into a condo owned by her in-laws, she has a serious weight problem (she's at least 150 pounds overweight) and has a lot of
related health problems and recently had to get her gallbladder removed -- just
to name a few). I pointed out that she not only leaves out details, but she also
flat out lies. Of course, she denied that.
I love my older sister very much and have always felt lucky to be so close to her, but I don't know how much more of the lies and storytelling I can take. The whole situation makes me feel ill. What should I do?
Signed,
Please Just Tell Me The Truth
Dear Please Just Tell Me The Truth,
I think the first step in this situation is to getting your sister a psychiatric evaluation. I'm concerned your sister may be a pathological or compulsive liar. A pathological liar is someone who lies to improve their self-image and actually believes the lies he/she is telling. A compulsive liar is someone who lies out of habit. Either way, this problem signals to me your sister's having a hard time coping with life and could benefit from a therapeutic intervention.
As far as your relationship goes, it's good you know what you are dealing with here. I say support your sister during this time (she's obviously troubled) but know you can't 100% trust her. I know that's hard to digest, especially given the fact she's your sister. But you have a choice: either continue the relationship as is and accept it won't be an authentic one or have no relationship at all. In my opinion, the best thing you can do for her right now is get her help, and after that, your relationship can only improve.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My husband is a good guy but when he drinks (not that often) he sometimes gets out of hand. Not only will he get very loud, he'll also be a little more aggressive towards me. He won't hurt me but will slap my butt a little or grab my waist harder in front of others. It's embarrassing and I really don't like it. What can I do? I would not classify him an alcoholic because he only drinks every few months or so.
Signed,
Don't Want to Go to Al-Anon
Dear Don't Want to Go to Al-Anon,
You can't change your husband when he drinks. But you can change the consequences when he drinks. When your husband is sober, tell him you don't like the way he behaves when is drunk. Then explain exactly what you don't like (you slap my butt, grab my waist harder, you get loud, etc.). Then tell him the next time he acts like that you are leaving the party without him. And follow up on it. He'll realize there are consequences to his actions.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What book do you recommend for helping decide on a career?
Thanks,
Undecided
Dear Undecided,
The most popular books for career counseling are: "What Color Is Your Parachute? 2010: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers," by Richard Nelson Bolles, "Do What You Are: Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type," by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron, and "I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It," by Barbara Sher and Barbara Smith.
Good luck,
Kelli
I have one sibling, an older sister, and we are very close. We are 16 months apart and our relationship has been compared to that of twin sisters. Even though we live three hours apart by car, we talk on the phone multiple times a day and manage to see each other once or twice a month.
My sister has always been one to bend the truth and tell personal stories in a way that make her look good even if it means leaving out significant details (usually those details that may show her in a negative light). Lately, her ability to tell the truth is getting worse and it's really starting to irritate me. She lies about the simplest things: For example, if she goes for a walk through the neighborhood, she'll tell people she went biking because it makes it sound like she had more of a work out (even though she doesn't own a bike).
I didn't used to confront her about her white lies, but I can't help it anymore. Lately when something doesn't make sense to me or I know one of her statements or stories to be false, I ask her to explain. Naturally, she doesn't like being questioned about her lies and she gets very defensive. This usually leads to an
argument. I've asked her to just tell me the truth and then we wouldn't have any
issues. She even broke down recently and said she has an issue with telling the whole story (still not admitting that her problem also includes being dishonest). She said there is so much bad stuff going on in her life right now that she leaves out details sometimes (her 41-year-old husband has been unemployed for 10 months and joined the Army at the end of February as a last resort, she lost her home about five years ago because her husband had a serious gambling problem and gambled away a half a million dollars, so they had to move into a condo owned by her in-laws, she has a serious weight problem (she's at least 150 pounds overweight) and has a lot of
related health problems and recently had to get her gallbladder removed -- just
to name a few). I pointed out that she not only leaves out details, but she also
flat out lies. Of course, she denied that.
I love my older sister very much and have always felt lucky to be so close to her, but I don't know how much more of the lies and storytelling I can take. The whole situation makes me feel ill. What should I do?
Signed,
Please Just Tell Me The Truth
Dear Please Just Tell Me The Truth,
I think the first step in this situation is to getting your sister a psychiatric evaluation. I'm concerned your sister may be a pathological or compulsive liar. A pathological liar is someone who lies to improve their self-image and actually believes the lies he/she is telling. A compulsive liar is someone who lies out of habit. Either way, this problem signals to me your sister's having a hard time coping with life and could benefit from a therapeutic intervention.
As far as your relationship goes, it's good you know what you are dealing with here. I say support your sister during this time (she's obviously troubled) but know you can't 100% trust her. I know that's hard to digest, especially given the fact she's your sister. But you have a choice: either continue the relationship as is and accept it won't be an authentic one or have no relationship at all. In my opinion, the best thing you can do for her right now is get her help, and after that, your relationship can only improve.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My husband is a good guy but when he drinks (not that often) he sometimes gets out of hand. Not only will he get very loud, he'll also be a little more aggressive towards me. He won't hurt me but will slap my butt a little or grab my waist harder in front of others. It's embarrassing and I really don't like it. What can I do? I would not classify him an alcoholic because he only drinks every few months or so.
Signed,
Don't Want to Go to Al-Anon
Dear Don't Want to Go to Al-Anon,
You can't change your husband when he drinks. But you can change the consequences when he drinks. When your husband is sober, tell him you don't like the way he behaves when is drunk. Then explain exactly what you don't like (you slap my butt, grab my waist harder, you get loud, etc.). Then tell him the next time he acts like that you are leaving the party without him. And follow up on it. He'll realize there are consequences to his actions.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What book do you recommend for helping decide on a career?
Thanks,
Undecided
Dear Undecided,
The most popular books for career counseling are: "What Color Is Your Parachute? 2010: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers," by Richard Nelson Bolles, "Do What You Are: Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type," by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron, and "I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It," by Barbara Sher and Barbara Smith.
Good luck,
Kelli
Friday, March 19, 2010
Ask Kelli: Angry with Husband, Boyfriend with Lizards, & Favorite Place to Live
Dear Kelli,
Two days ago I had a flat tire on the highway. I called AAA and they said they would be there within 45 minutes. I also called my husband. He asked if I was okay. I said yes and that AAA was coming. He then asked if I needed him. I said no. AAA finally arrived an hour later but I kept thinking my husband should have been there too. Do I have a right to be mad at him?
Signed,
Flat Out Annoyed
Dear Flat Out Annoyed,
Here's the funny thing about spouses. They may be loving, they may be kind. They may be frustrating, they may drive us crazy. But the one thing they can't do? They can't read our minds. Your husband asked if you needed him. You said no. He took your word at face value which is exactly what he should have done. He trusted that you would have told him if you needed him there. I can understand why you would want him there (it's scary being on the highway alone) but you need to learn to tell him how you really feel, not assume he will guess. This is a great lesson in learning to be more assertive with your needs. Sorry--you can't be angry with him for this one.
But feel free to be angry with him if he leaves the toilet seat up.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My boyfriend of 3 years has 5 lizards. He's had them before we started dating. Here's the thing: I'm starting to think he cares for them more than me. He really loves these creatures. It's starting to irk me a bit. Why does he need 5 lizards? Can't 1 or even 2 suffice? Do I give him an ultimatum: me or the reptiles?
Signed,
Reptile-phobic
Dear Reptile-phobic,
Here's the key sentence in your post that got me: "He's had them before we started dating." So sweets, you knew what you were getting into when you started dating him. He had the lizards before you were involved and it's not as if he purchased them after you started dating. That would be a different story.
It's obvious your boyfriend has a thing for reptiles. So here's how I see it. You have two choices. #1) Accept him with all the lizards or #2) Move on and be reptile-free. Now if you were married (which reminds me, where is that ring after three years?!), you could put a stop on getting any more lizards, or at least have a say in it. For now, however, you have to eat this one.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is your favorite city to visit or to live?
Signed,
Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering,
So I've lived in Rockville, MD, Gainesville, FL, Paris, France, Washington, DC,
Philadelphia, PA, New York, NY, Santa Monica, CA, and now Gaithersburg, MD. Out of all of those, hands down I'd go with either Paris or Santa Monica. The beauty of Paris is unparalleled and you just can't beat the weather in Santa Monica.
I've traveled to Finland, Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Italy, Austria, Switzerland, England, the Netherlands, Spain, Japan, China, Canada, Mexico, Belize, Honduras, and most countries in the Caribbean. I absolutely loved Japan and really enjoyed Italy and Scandinavia.
Right now with an 8 month old, time to myself in the shower feels like a vacation. Thanks for the question. It was nice to reminisce.
All the best,
Kelli
Two days ago I had a flat tire on the highway. I called AAA and they said they would be there within 45 minutes. I also called my husband. He asked if I was okay. I said yes and that AAA was coming. He then asked if I needed him. I said no. AAA finally arrived an hour later but I kept thinking my husband should have been there too. Do I have a right to be mad at him?
Signed,
Flat Out Annoyed
Dear Flat Out Annoyed,
Here's the funny thing about spouses. They may be loving, they may be kind. They may be frustrating, they may drive us crazy. But the one thing they can't do? They can't read our minds. Your husband asked if you needed him. You said no. He took your word at face value which is exactly what he should have done. He trusted that you would have told him if you needed him there. I can understand why you would want him there (it's scary being on the highway alone) but you need to learn to tell him how you really feel, not assume he will guess. This is a great lesson in learning to be more assertive with your needs. Sorry--you can't be angry with him for this one.
But feel free to be angry with him if he leaves the toilet seat up.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My boyfriend of 3 years has 5 lizards. He's had them before we started dating. Here's the thing: I'm starting to think he cares for them more than me. He really loves these creatures. It's starting to irk me a bit. Why does he need 5 lizards? Can't 1 or even 2 suffice? Do I give him an ultimatum: me or the reptiles?
Signed,
Reptile-phobic
Dear Reptile-phobic,
Here's the key sentence in your post that got me: "He's had them before we started dating." So sweets, you knew what you were getting into when you started dating him. He had the lizards before you were involved and it's not as if he purchased them after you started dating. That would be a different story.
It's obvious your boyfriend has a thing for reptiles. So here's how I see it. You have two choices. #1) Accept him with all the lizards or #2) Move on and be reptile-free. Now if you were married (which reminds me, where is that ring after three years?!), you could put a stop on getting any more lizards, or at least have a say in it. For now, however, you have to eat this one.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is your favorite city to visit or to live?
Signed,
Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering,
So I've lived in Rockville, MD, Gainesville, FL, Paris, France, Washington, DC,
Philadelphia, PA, New York, NY, Santa Monica, CA, and now Gaithersburg, MD. Out of all of those, hands down I'd go with either Paris or Santa Monica. The beauty of Paris is unparalleled and you just can't beat the weather in Santa Monica.
I've traveled to Finland, Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Italy, Austria, Switzerland, England, the Netherlands, Spain, Japan, China, Canada, Mexico, Belize, Honduras, and most countries in the Caribbean. I absolutely loved Japan and really enjoyed Italy and Scandinavia.
Right now with an 8 month old, time to myself in the shower feels like a vacation. Thanks for the question. It was nice to reminisce.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Ask Kelli: Doctor's Office, Quick Food, & Sibling Issues
Dear Kelli,
I get so angry when I go to my doctor's office and I have to wait over an hour for my appointment. I feel like I'm wasting so much time. URG! I don't want to leave this particular doctor because I do like him. I just can't stand the waiting. What can I do?
Signed,
Waiting for Calm
Dear Waiting for Calm,
I can certainly understand why you're annoyed. Waiting for the doctor can be a very frustrating experience especially when you've made every attempt to get there on time. Here are my suggestions:
1) Expect the doctor to run late. Sometimes just preparing yourself for this scenario helps you feel less surprised when you get there. And chances are if he's late 4 out of 5 times, he'll be late the next time.
2) Call ahead before you leave for your appointment. Find out for certain if the doctor is running late. If he is you can hang back a few minutes before you leave.
3) Make "leisure time" out of waiting. Bring your favorite magazine, needlepoint, journal, etc., to help pass the time.
4) Savor the moment of just doing nothing. Sometimes I meditate while I'm waiting for an appointment. When do you have a chance to really do nothing?
5) Weigh the options. I know you mentioned you like this doctor. But weigh finding another doctor (with the risk of not liking him/her as much) or staying with this one and having to wait. You could always try a new doctor and see how you feel.
6) Try talking to this doctor about it. In a nice way you might want to say something like, "Is there anything I can do to ensure my next visit will be on time?" This way you are not placing the blame directly on the doctor and risking putting him on the defense.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I want to cook a healthy dinner for my family but I feel so pressed for time. I'm sick of junk food carryout and frankly, we don't have the money to keep doing it! I like cooking just don't have that much time. Any suggestions?
Signed,
Pressed Foodie
Dear Pressed Foodie,
You are speaking my language! I really like the following cookbook:
"The Six O'Clock Scramble" by Aviva Goldfarb (also online: http://thescramble.com/ )
And online I love these cooking sites:
1) http://www.foodnetwork.com/quick-and-easy/index.html
2) http://allrecipes.com/Recipes/Everyday-Cooking/Quick-and-Easy/Main.aspx
3) http://www.myrecipes.com/recipes/quick-and-easy/
You can always prepare some ingredients the night before so you aren't as rushed the day of. Finally, I buy a lot of prepared vegetables in the grocery store (bagged salad, shredded carrots, etc.) It can be a bit more expensive but it's worth it when you are trying to save time!
Bon appetit,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I haven't spoken to my only brother (my only sibling) in over 11 years. We had a falling out years ago bit lately I've really been missing him. The problem is he was in the wrong and didn't treat me right. What do you recommend?
Signed,
Sibling Rivalry
Dear Sibling Rivalry,
Unless you want to spend the next 11 years not talking I recommend you be the bigger person here and call him up. It doesn't matter who was at fault, who started it, who ended it, yada, yada. All that matters is the present which is that you want to mend a broken relationship. Good for you.
I would start the first conversation off easy and light. Tell your brother you miss him and you don't like not talking. Then later when things settle you can ask what happened and perhaps set the boundaries for future interactions (so what happened doesn't happen again).
If you find yourself second guessing the situation ask yourself: Is it better to be right or to be happy?
You only have one brother. Life is too short to spend any more of it without him.
All the best,
Kelli
I get so angry when I go to my doctor's office and I have to wait over an hour for my appointment. I feel like I'm wasting so much time. URG! I don't want to leave this particular doctor because I do like him. I just can't stand the waiting. What can I do?
Signed,
Waiting for Calm
Dear Waiting for Calm,
I can certainly understand why you're annoyed. Waiting for the doctor can be a very frustrating experience especially when you've made every attempt to get there on time. Here are my suggestions:
1) Expect the doctor to run late. Sometimes just preparing yourself for this scenario helps you feel less surprised when you get there. And chances are if he's late 4 out of 5 times, he'll be late the next time.
2) Call ahead before you leave for your appointment. Find out for certain if the doctor is running late. If he is you can hang back a few minutes before you leave.
3) Make "leisure time" out of waiting. Bring your favorite magazine, needlepoint, journal, etc., to help pass the time.
4) Savor the moment of just doing nothing. Sometimes I meditate while I'm waiting for an appointment. When do you have a chance to really do nothing?
5) Weigh the options. I know you mentioned you like this doctor. But weigh finding another doctor (with the risk of not liking him/her as much) or staying with this one and having to wait. You could always try a new doctor and see how you feel.
6) Try talking to this doctor about it. In a nice way you might want to say something like, "Is there anything I can do to ensure my next visit will be on time?" This way you are not placing the blame directly on the doctor and risking putting him on the defense.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I want to cook a healthy dinner for my family but I feel so pressed for time. I'm sick of junk food carryout and frankly, we don't have the money to keep doing it! I like cooking just don't have that much time. Any suggestions?
Signed,
Pressed Foodie
Dear Pressed Foodie,
You are speaking my language! I really like the following cookbook:
"The Six O'Clock Scramble" by Aviva Goldfarb (also online: http://thescramble.com/ )
And online I love these cooking sites:
1) http://www.foodnetwork.com/quick-and-easy/index.html
2) http://allrecipes.com/Recipes/Everyday-Cooking/Quick-and-Easy/Main.aspx
3) http://www.myrecipes.com/recipes/quick-and-easy/
You can always prepare some ingredients the night before so you aren't as rushed the day of. Finally, I buy a lot of prepared vegetables in the grocery store (bagged salad, shredded carrots, etc.) It can be a bit more expensive but it's worth it when you are trying to save time!
Bon appetit,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I haven't spoken to my only brother (my only sibling) in over 11 years. We had a falling out years ago bit lately I've really been missing him. The problem is he was in the wrong and didn't treat me right. What do you recommend?
Signed,
Sibling Rivalry
Dear Sibling Rivalry,
Unless you want to spend the next 11 years not talking I recommend you be the bigger person here and call him up. It doesn't matter who was at fault, who started it, who ended it, yada, yada. All that matters is the present which is that you want to mend a broken relationship. Good for you.
I would start the first conversation off easy and light. Tell your brother you miss him and you don't like not talking. Then later when things settle you can ask what happened and perhaps set the boundaries for future interactions (so what happened doesn't happen again).
If you find yourself second guessing the situation ask yourself: Is it better to be right or to be happy?
You only have one brother. Life is too short to spend any more of it without him.
All the best,
Kelli
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Ask Kelli: Kids or No Kids, Lonely in the Ciy, Gossip, &
Dear Kelli,
I'm debating on whether or not my husband and I should have kids. I'm curious about your opinion.
Signed,
Mommy to Be?
Dear Mommy to Be?,
I'm assuming you and your husband had an in-depth discussion on this issue, right? Since this is a very big decision, that would be the first direction I'd lead you in. So I'm going to assume you've talked it over and just want a different (possibly objective) point of view. I'll try my best given I have an almost 8 month old son.
As cliché as it sounds, having a kid completely changes your life. Forget better or worse—-it's just after you have a kid your life isn't your own. Time management takes a lot of getting used to! And of course finances need to be taken into account as children don't come cheap (of course there are the basics diapers, crib, car seat, toys, etc. but some moms also have to factor in a nanny or daycare if they are working). Finally, having a child can be tiring. You'll have many a sleepless nights with feeding and crying. And so I heard once again when your teen starts driving.
Given all that, having a kid is the absolute greatest thing in the world. There is no love you feel like the love for your child. Yes, it's hard not having your own time, yes it's expensive, yes you're exhausted. But let me just tell you, when my son looks up at me and smiles, it trumps just about everything else. It has been simply amazing to experience all the different milestones with my child. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
My husband and I also debated this issue. We were big travelers and we weren't sure a child would enable us to explore. Sure, we don't travel as much, but having a child is an adventure. We're exploring in a different sense.
It's a difficult decision, I understand. But I believe more women regret not having a child then ever having one.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I was talking badly to a friend of mine about another friend of ours. Little did I know the friend I was gossiping about was two feet behind me. She heard everything! I'm mortified and of course now she won't talk to me. I understand why, but what can I do to repair our friendship?
Signed,
Not a Great Friend
Dear Not a Great Friend,
I'm glad you can see why your friend is upset. This will make your apology much more sincere. So with that being said I'd take the following steps:
1) Apologize with a handwritten note. This shows you are taking the time to think about what you've done. I believe a handwritten apology is a much classier way to show your remorse than an email or a phone call. (And of course don't apologize in a text!)
2) Own up to your behavior. Admit what you did wasn't right. Sometimes the person just has to hear your taking accountability for your action.
3) Give your friend some time. Often times distance is the best way for someone to forgive. You can say something like, "I understand you may need some time. I'll respect your space but know I'm always here when you are ready to talk."
4) Expect things to be different. Maybe not forever but at least for a little while. So have some patience and understanding.
5) Use this experience as a lesson learned. Look, we're not all saints (and let's be honest, we all gossip to a certain extent). But take this situation and figure out what you can learn from it. Perhaps you are better off confronting friends about what's bothering you than talking about it behind their backs with someone else. You can even mention this to your friend. "I realized now I should have talked directly to you about what I was upset about. This is a really great lesson for me to learn."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm single and very, very lonely. I've read your other posts about taking classes, so I just signed up for two: a cooking class and a photographer class. And I've signed up for two dating websites. Anything else I can do? I just feel so isolated.
Signed,
Single in the City
Dear Single in the City,
I'm proud you've taken the steps I've suggested so far. I believe once you start your classes you'll feel more a part of things. In the meantime? Why don't you initiate your own singles support group? A support group will make you feel less alone, normalize and validate your feelings, and give you a chance to meet other single girls (wing woman, anyone?). Plus, if anything it will give you something to do, keep your mind off feeling lonely, and empower you in more ways than you think. The best part? You can decide on all the options. I'll make it easy for you and outline how to start:
1) Define your target audience. Okay, it's obvious you're targeting other singles but be what else? How about gender? Do you want this group too be women or men in the group too? What age group? Are you cool with college peeps and old grandpas? Specify. And where do you want your people from? Just your part of the city or are you okay with everywhere in the MD/DC/VA area?
2) Define the group's purpose. Is this group merely about connecting with other single women? Or is to meet other single males too? Are you looking to establish a group of girls to go out with just at night? Do you want a single's group that plays sports? Goes to the movies? You get my drift.
3) Publicize it. Here's where your marketing skills will come in handy.
A) Word of mouth. This is the best way in my opinion. Tell everyone you know singles and non-singles included) that you're starting a group. Ask them to spread the word too.
B) Send out a mass email. Same deal: tell people you're starting a singles group. Ask if they know anyone or would want to join. You'd be amazed how many singles will come out of the woodwork.
C) Design a simple flyer. Stick that sucker at the gym, grocery store, and library. If you don't know details yet, just include your name, phone number, and email address. Mention you're open to any ideas people have.
D) Utilize the internet. Meetups.com and Yahoo!Groups are both great way to publicize your event. And of course this listserv is great too. You can look for other venues similar to these as well.
4) Establish a first meeting
A) Pick an open forum. This is of course for safety reasons. Restaurants, the mall, a park, etc., are all good spots. Or you can call your local library. They usually offer study or community rooms for no fee (you just have to book it in advance).
B) Keep the meeting open to member's ideas. Ask questions to the group and see what they want to get out of it.
C) Establish a board and make people accountable. Accountability helps hold the group together because everyone has a specific task to do. Design a committee. Vote on a president (oversees how the group is running), social committee chairperson (in charge of the social events), treasurer (takes care of member funds if necessary), and secretary (keeps note and track of what was covered at the meeting)
D) Discuss rules. Is there a fee to join the group? How often do you want to meet? What days and times? Is alcohol allowed? If one member in the group dates another and it ends poorly do you want to establish a no stalking or harassing rule?
E) Create the next meeting. This way you're scheduling it while everyone is there.
This should certainly keep you busy!
Good luck,
Kelli
I'm debating on whether or not my husband and I should have kids. I'm curious about your opinion.
Signed,
Mommy to Be?
Dear Mommy to Be?,
I'm assuming you and your husband had an in-depth discussion on this issue, right? Since this is a very big decision, that would be the first direction I'd lead you in. So I'm going to assume you've talked it over and just want a different (possibly objective) point of view. I'll try my best given I have an almost 8 month old son.
As cliché as it sounds, having a kid completely changes your life. Forget better or worse—-it's just after you have a kid your life isn't your own. Time management takes a lot of getting used to! And of course finances need to be taken into account as children don't come cheap (of course there are the basics diapers, crib, car seat, toys, etc. but some moms also have to factor in a nanny or daycare if they are working). Finally, having a child can be tiring. You'll have many a sleepless nights with feeding and crying. And so I heard once again when your teen starts driving.
Given all that, having a kid is the absolute greatest thing in the world. There is no love you feel like the love for your child. Yes, it's hard not having your own time, yes it's expensive, yes you're exhausted. But let me just tell you, when my son looks up at me and smiles, it trumps just about everything else. It has been simply amazing to experience all the different milestones with my child. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
My husband and I also debated this issue. We were big travelers and we weren't sure a child would enable us to explore. Sure, we don't travel as much, but having a child is an adventure. We're exploring in a different sense.
It's a difficult decision, I understand. But I believe more women regret not having a child then ever having one.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I was talking badly to a friend of mine about another friend of ours. Little did I know the friend I was gossiping about was two feet behind me. She heard everything! I'm mortified and of course now she won't talk to me. I understand why, but what can I do to repair our friendship?
Signed,
Not a Great Friend
Dear Not a Great Friend,
I'm glad you can see why your friend is upset. This will make your apology much more sincere. So with that being said I'd take the following steps:
1) Apologize with a handwritten note. This shows you are taking the time to think about what you've done. I believe a handwritten apology is a much classier way to show your remorse than an email or a phone call. (And of course don't apologize in a text!)
2) Own up to your behavior. Admit what you did wasn't right. Sometimes the person just has to hear your taking accountability for your action.
3) Give your friend some time. Often times distance is the best way for someone to forgive. You can say something like, "I understand you may need some time. I'll respect your space but know I'm always here when you are ready to talk."
4) Expect things to be different. Maybe not forever but at least for a little while. So have some patience and understanding.
5) Use this experience as a lesson learned. Look, we're not all saints (and let's be honest, we all gossip to a certain extent). But take this situation and figure out what you can learn from it. Perhaps you are better off confronting friends about what's bothering you than talking about it behind their backs with someone else. You can even mention this to your friend. "I realized now I should have talked directly to you about what I was upset about. This is a really great lesson for me to learn."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm single and very, very lonely. I've read your other posts about taking classes, so I just signed up for two: a cooking class and a photographer class. And I've signed up for two dating websites. Anything else I can do? I just feel so isolated.
Signed,
Single in the City
Dear Single in the City,
I'm proud you've taken the steps I've suggested so far. I believe once you start your classes you'll feel more a part of things. In the meantime? Why don't you initiate your own singles support group? A support group will make you feel less alone, normalize and validate your feelings, and give you a chance to meet other single girls (wing woman, anyone?). Plus, if anything it will give you something to do, keep your mind off feeling lonely, and empower you in more ways than you think. The best part? You can decide on all the options. I'll make it easy for you and outline how to start:
1) Define your target audience. Okay, it's obvious you're targeting other singles but be what else? How about gender? Do you want this group too be women or men in the group too? What age group? Are you cool with college peeps and old grandpas? Specify. And where do you want your people from? Just your part of the city or are you okay with everywhere in the MD/DC/VA area?
2) Define the group's purpose. Is this group merely about connecting with other single women? Or is to meet other single males too? Are you looking to establish a group of girls to go out with just at night? Do you want a single's group that plays sports? Goes to the movies? You get my drift.
3) Publicize it. Here's where your marketing skills will come in handy.
A) Word of mouth. This is the best way in my opinion. Tell everyone you know singles and non-singles included) that you're starting a group. Ask them to spread the word too.
B) Send out a mass email. Same deal: tell people you're starting a singles group. Ask if they know anyone or would want to join. You'd be amazed how many singles will come out of the woodwork.
C) Design a simple flyer. Stick that sucker at the gym, grocery store, and library. If you don't know details yet, just include your name, phone number, and email address. Mention you're open to any ideas people have.
D) Utilize the internet. Meetups.com and Yahoo!Groups are both great way to publicize your event. And of course this listserv is great too. You can look for other venues similar to these as well.
4) Establish a first meeting
A) Pick an open forum. This is of course for safety reasons. Restaurants, the mall, a park, etc., are all good spots. Or you can call your local library. They usually offer study or community rooms for no fee (you just have to book it in advance).
B) Keep the meeting open to member's ideas. Ask questions to the group and see what they want to get out of it.
C) Establish a board and make people accountable. Accountability helps hold the group together because everyone has a specific task to do. Design a committee. Vote on a president (oversees how the group is running), social committee chairperson (in charge of the social events), treasurer (takes care of member funds if necessary), and secretary (keeps note and track of what was covered at the meeting)
D) Discuss rules. Is there a fee to join the group? How often do you want to meet? What days and times? Is alcohol allowed? If one member in the group dates another and it ends poorly do you want to establish a no stalking or harassing rule?
E) Create the next meeting. This way you're scheduling it while everyone is there.
This should certainly keep you busy!
Good luck,
Kelli
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