Dear Kelli,
I have been meeting this wonderful man during the last two weeks and have been invited by him to two lunches, one dinner, a theater play and a film at the cinema. We have great conversations and we seem to click on multiple levels. I do not want to come across as anxious, but usually by the third date I would expect a more seductive hint, such as a touch of hands or even a passionate kiss. However, in spite of his continuing to invite me out -- we have plans in the coming days -- and really enjoying our company, it seems that it is not evolving beyond a platonic level. I am interested in something more than that, but my terrible fear is that he may be gay. If I confront him in that regard, he may take offense (if he is not!) and worse, I could lose this wonderful friendship altogether. Any advice on how to move forward?
Signed,
A Woman Yearning for Passion
Dear Woman Yearning for Passion,
Patience my girl! Patience! It's only been two weeks -- not two years! I actually think it's great you two are taking it slow. So many times couples get intimate way too quickly and miss out on really getting to know each other. I know it's hard. If you're anything short of a nun it's not going to be easy. But I would really take this chance to see if you guys are really a good match. What is his position on the death penalty? Is he into 20/20 or Housewives of Atlanta? Does he like hiking or is his idea of exercise getting up to get a beer? You catch my drift…
With that said, I would wait just a little bit longer. If after a month or two from now he's still acting statue-esque, it's time for a talk. I would say something along the lines of:
"I've really enjoyed your company these last few weeks. But I did just want to check in and see how you feel about our relationship. How do you view it?"
However you want to do it, I would just make sure to leave the question open-ended. An open-ended question facilitates more of a detailed response rather than a yes or no question which can be answered in one quick word. And for this you want as much detail as possible!
All the best,
Kelli
Hey Kelli,
I'm 24 and am dating a great guy who is 25. While it does not bother me, his hair line is definitely receding and I think it qualifies as male pattern baldness. It doesn't bother me at all, but it definitely bothers him. He's sort of growing his hair out to cover up the front and actually the shaggy combover look probably isn't the most flattering style he could rock. What can I do as a girlfriend to help him realize that it's okay to have a receding hairline, and that accepting hair loss gracefully is more attractive than trying to mask it with complicated hair styles? He definitely hasn't had a haircut in months and it's starting to look unkempt and doesn't really even hide the receding hairline. I read online that Rogaine isn't for a receding hairline. Could he be a candidate for Propecia? And what is my role as his girlfriend in this?
Signed,
Doesn't Know How to Help
Dear Doesn't Know How to Help,
I think it's smart that you're approaching this subject with delicacy. I relate a man's hair to a woman's weight: Approach with caution.
I had an idea but it takes your participation as well. Say to your man, "Hey, I've been thinking about it. What if we do something totally different and both got makeovers?" Now you can either do something drastic like change your hair style (or color) or do something not as extreme and just change your style of clothing. The idea is to show him you are able to step out of the box as well. Then I would simply suggest the idea of a new hairstyle for him. If he does choose to do it, be sure to praise him and tell him how wonderful and sexy he looks. And be sure to reward him (if you get my drift...)
If he's resistant to a makeover, then I would suggest taking the cutesy but honest approach. Maybe something like, "Hey John, you know I'm great with fashion and trends, right? And I was thinking -- you have such beautiful eyes. But the way you do your hair doesn't really show them off. Why not just go more natural? What if we style your hair this way? You'd look so hot without it." Who could resist that, especially coming from the person he admires the most?!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My husband and I are tight with finances right now and we're quite embarrassed by it. Our best couple friends do not have this problem. Because money isn't an issue for them, they are constantly asking us to go to expensive restaurants. I can't afford inexpensive restaurants, let alone expensive ones! I don't want to seem cheap and I'm not ready to be honest about our finances. I also don't want to lose out on their friendship. We're really enjoyed eating with them in the past. What to do?
Signed,
Frugal Foodie
Dear Frugal Foodie,
Call them up and invite them to your house for dinner. You can serve four and even a bottle of wine for very little money. If you enjoy the evening, ask them if they wouldn't mind doing the home thing more often, maybe even switching off houses. Tell them you like the ambiance, not worrying about parking, and making dinner all together.
You can read more about budget friendly recipes here:
http://allrecipes.com/HowTo/Cooking-on-a-Budget/Detail.aspx
http://www.betterbudgeting.com/frugalrecipelist.htm
http://www.cheapcooking.com/
When the weather gets warmer you can also suggest a picnic outside.
All the best,
Kelli
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Ask Kelli: Meditation, Too Shy & New Classes
Dear Kelli,
I'm trying to meditate but having problems. I feel like I can't sit still for more than a few minutes. Do you have any recommendations?
Signed,
Too Stressed to Meditate
Dear Too Stressed to Meditate,
First know there is absolutely no wrong way to meditate except if you don't do it all! So release yourself from thinking you have to do it perfectly. Also it's helpful to realize meditation isn't always supposed to feel relaxing. It's really how you are feeling in the present moment. So have no expectations and just take your practice for what it is.
You might want to take a course to help get you started or maintain your current
practice. I found it helpful to learn a specific meditation technique like using a mantra (sound or phrase to repeat during meditation). But you can see what works best for you. You can check out some of these meditation centers in DC:
1) Insight Meditation Community of Washington http://www.imcw.org/
2) Washington Mindfulness Center http://www.mindfulnessdc.org/
3) Still Water Mindfulness http://www.stillwatermpc.org/
Finally, one of my favorite books on meditation is: "Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It can help you get started or keep you motivated with your current practice.
Namaste,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm really shy and absolutely hate going to social events. I get really anxious and at times even petrified. I feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking horrible things about me! What can I do?
Signed,
Party Pooper
Dear Party Pooper,
Just from reading your post I'm thinking you have social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia. It's where a person has an excessive and irrational fear of social situations. Since I can't see you in person, I would high encourage you to seek a therapist to help diagnose you for sure.
But in the meantime there a couple of tricks I like to recommend:
1) When you are at a party try and concentrate on everyone else. In other words, when your brain starts thinking, "Is he looking at my clothes/hair/etc.?" I want you to reverse it and think, "I wonder what he/she/they are feeling. I wonder if they are happy with their outfit/drink/etc."
2) Ask people questions about them. What do they like to do? Do they like their job? What do they think of this crazy weather we're having? Think of random fun questions. It's a win-win. You get the focus off yourself and EVERYONE loves to talk about themselves!
3) Look at asking people about them as a "job" or doing service. It is your "job" to make this person feel more comfortable.
4) If you can't muster the courage to talk to people ask the host what you can help do. Can you help set up chairs? Pour coffee? It sometimes helps to have a specific job to do while at a party.
5) Do some deep breathing before social events. Slow breathing automatically slows down your whole body, including your mind. Here's what I do: breath in very slowly through you nose (counting to 5 and then out again through your mouth (counting to 5 again). Do this fully for three cycles before you enter the party. And if you feel yourself tensing up at the party excuse yourself to the bathroom. The beauty of the bathroom is that it is private. You can breath in the stall and no one has to know!
7) You'll feel more in control if you can learn more about what you are experiencing. So I would recommend reading up on social anxiety. The books I like are: "Dying of Embarrassment: Help for Social Anxiety and Phobia" by Jerilyn Ross, MA, LICSW and "Social Phobia: From Shyness to Stage Fright" By John R. Marshall, MD.
8) It sounds counter-intuitive but join a support group for social phobia. You can learn more here: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm sick of the same old classes- dance, music, art, etc. Any ideas on a cool new class?
Thanks,
Class Act
Dear Class Act,
Sure, here are my thoughts:
1) Kendo (modern sword training)
2) Sign Language
3) Aromatherapy
4) Tae Kwan Do (Korean martial art)
5) Reflexology
6) Batik
7) Gemology
8) Calligraphy
9) Belly dancing
10) Badminton
11) Chinese Gu Zengh (Gu Zheng is a Chinese string-instrument)
Good luck,
Kelli
I'm trying to meditate but having problems. I feel like I can't sit still for more than a few minutes. Do you have any recommendations?
Signed,
Too Stressed to Meditate
Dear Too Stressed to Meditate,
First know there is absolutely no wrong way to meditate except if you don't do it all! So release yourself from thinking you have to do it perfectly. Also it's helpful to realize meditation isn't always supposed to feel relaxing. It's really how you are feeling in the present moment. So have no expectations and just take your practice for what it is.
You might want to take a course to help get you started or maintain your current
practice. I found it helpful to learn a specific meditation technique like using a mantra (sound or phrase to repeat during meditation). But you can see what works best for you. You can check out some of these meditation centers in DC:
1) Insight Meditation Community of Washington http://www.imcw.org/
2) Washington Mindfulness Center http://www.mindfulnessdc.org/
3) Still Water Mindfulness http://www.stillwatermpc.org/
Finally, one of my favorite books on meditation is: "Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It can help you get started or keep you motivated with your current practice.
Namaste,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm really shy and absolutely hate going to social events. I get really anxious and at times even petrified. I feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking horrible things about me! What can I do?
Signed,
Party Pooper
Dear Party Pooper,
Just from reading your post I'm thinking you have social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia. It's where a person has an excessive and irrational fear of social situations. Since I can't see you in person, I would high encourage you to seek a therapist to help diagnose you for sure.
But in the meantime there a couple of tricks I like to recommend:
1) When you are at a party try and concentrate on everyone else. In other words, when your brain starts thinking, "Is he looking at my clothes/hair/etc.?" I want you to reverse it and think, "I wonder what he/she/they are feeling. I wonder if they are happy with their outfit/drink/etc."
2) Ask people questions about them. What do they like to do? Do they like their job? What do they think of this crazy weather we're having? Think of random fun questions. It's a win-win. You get the focus off yourself and EVERYONE loves to talk about themselves!
3) Look at asking people about them as a "job" or doing service. It is your "job" to make this person feel more comfortable.
4) If you can't muster the courage to talk to people ask the host what you can help do. Can you help set up chairs? Pour coffee? It sometimes helps to have a specific job to do while at a party.
5) Do some deep breathing before social events. Slow breathing automatically slows down your whole body, including your mind. Here's what I do: breath in very slowly through you nose (counting to 5 and then out again through your mouth (counting to 5 again). Do this fully for three cycles before you enter the party. And if you feel yourself tensing up at the party excuse yourself to the bathroom. The beauty of the bathroom is that it is private. You can breath in the stall and no one has to know!
7) You'll feel more in control if you can learn more about what you are experiencing. So I would recommend reading up on social anxiety. The books I like are: "Dying of Embarrassment: Help for Social Anxiety and Phobia" by Jerilyn Ross, MA, LICSW and "Social Phobia: From Shyness to Stage Fright" By John R. Marshall, MD.
8) It sounds counter-intuitive but join a support group for social phobia. You can learn more here: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm sick of the same old classes- dance, music, art, etc. Any ideas on a cool new class?
Thanks,
Class Act
Dear Class Act,
Sure, here are my thoughts:
1) Kendo (modern sword training)
2) Sign Language
3) Aromatherapy
4) Tae Kwan Do (Korean martial art)
5) Reflexology
6) Batik
7) Gemology
8) Calligraphy
9) Belly dancing
10) Badminton
11) Chinese Gu Zengh (Gu Zheng is a Chinese string-instrument)
Good luck,
Kelli
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Ask Kelli: Myrtle Beach, Dating While Separated, & Irresponsible Co-workers
Dear Kelli,
I'm thinking of taking a trip to Myrtle Beach with my family in the spring. Is this a good place to take kids? Thoughts?
Signed,
Sun and Sand Lover
Dear Sun and Sand Lover,
I've heard wonderful things about Myrtle Beach for family vacations. But don't just take my word for it. See what real moms and dads have to say here:
http://www.familyvacationcritic.com/myrtle-beach/dh/
Additionally, here are some other great travel websites where you can find out more:
1) http://www.familytravelfiles.com
2) http://www.tripadvisor.com
3) http://www.wejustgotback.com
And finally don't forget to check out Myrtle Beach own websites:
4) www.myrtlebeach.com/
5) www.cityofmyrtlebeach.com/visitors.html
6) www.visitmyrtlebeach.com/
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What do you say about dating before you are officially divorced? I'm now separated but want to start dating again. I won't be technically divorced until next May so is it wrong for me to put myself out there now?
Signed,
Women Needing Some Comfort
Dear Women Needing Some Comfort,
I think it's absolutely fine to date while separated but only if you are upfront about your circumstance. If you meet someone you like, you owe it to that person to let them know about your situation. Being upfront starts off the relationship with clean and honest communication. The best way to start a relationship in my opinion! There are no secrets and you won't ever have to dance around the issue, or fear you'll be "found out." You've done your part and now it's up to the person you are dating whether or not they are comfortable with your separated status.
If you are considering online dating, just be sure to note it in your profile as well.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I can't stand irresponsible people! There have been several times where I've emailed a specific co-worker (regarding a project) and gotten a response five days later. What can I do? I'm at my wits end!
Signed,
Frustrated with Irresponsibility
Dear Frustrated with Irresponsibility,
One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to accept that everyone works on a different timeline. Now it may not be the timeline you use (or want the other person to use) but it's the reality. And I know it stinks. I'm with you on this one. Especially when you're the efficient and punctual one and your co-worker, well, isn't.
So here are my suggestions:
1) When you are collaborating on a project, ask your co-worker the best way to communicate with her or him. I've learned some people love email, others hate it and do better with the phone or text. Find out.
2) Ask specific questions about when the best time to communicate is. "Do you want to be contacted as soon as I complete my end of the project or would you rather I give you a 10 minutes heads up?" This way your co-worker knows you will be contacting them and will be expecting it.
3) Make the co-worker accountable for his or her actions. So when you sit down to discuss the project, say something like, "Okay, great. So I'll draft up X on Thursday, do you think you can add Y and Z on Friday? This way, once Cindy gets Y and Z on Friday she can have the weekend to perfect it and turn it on Monday."
4) If you have to resort to email, cc your boss on it.
5) Finally, be kind. Nothing good comes out of snotty comments to co-workers even if you have reason to be annoyed.
All the best,
Kelli
I'm thinking of taking a trip to Myrtle Beach with my family in the spring. Is this a good place to take kids? Thoughts?
Signed,
Sun and Sand Lover
Dear Sun and Sand Lover,
I've heard wonderful things about Myrtle Beach for family vacations. But don't just take my word for it. See what real moms and dads have to say here:
http://www.familyvacationcritic.com/myrtle-beach/dh/
Additionally, here are some other great travel websites where you can find out more:
1) http://www.familytravelfiles.com
2) http://www.tripadvisor.com
3) http://www.wejustgotback.com
And finally don't forget to check out Myrtle Beach own websites:
4) www.myrtlebeach.com/
5) www.cityofmyrtlebeach.com/visitors.html
6) www.visitmyrtlebeach.com/
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What do you say about dating before you are officially divorced? I'm now separated but want to start dating again. I won't be technically divorced until next May so is it wrong for me to put myself out there now?
Signed,
Women Needing Some Comfort
Dear Women Needing Some Comfort,
I think it's absolutely fine to date while separated but only if you are upfront about your circumstance. If you meet someone you like, you owe it to that person to let them know about your situation. Being upfront starts off the relationship with clean and honest communication. The best way to start a relationship in my opinion! There are no secrets and you won't ever have to dance around the issue, or fear you'll be "found out." You've done your part and now it's up to the person you are dating whether or not they are comfortable with your separated status.
If you are considering online dating, just be sure to note it in your profile as well.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I can't stand irresponsible people! There have been several times where I've emailed a specific co-worker (regarding a project) and gotten a response five days later. What can I do? I'm at my wits end!
Signed,
Frustrated with Irresponsibility
Dear Frustrated with Irresponsibility,
One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to accept that everyone works on a different timeline. Now it may not be the timeline you use (or want the other person to use) but it's the reality. And I know it stinks. I'm with you on this one. Especially when you're the efficient and punctual one and your co-worker, well, isn't.
So here are my suggestions:
1) When you are collaborating on a project, ask your co-worker the best way to communicate with her or him. I've learned some people love email, others hate it and do better with the phone or text. Find out.
2) Ask specific questions about when the best time to communicate is. "Do you want to be contacted as soon as I complete my end of the project or would you rather I give you a 10 minutes heads up?" This way your co-worker knows you will be contacting them and will be expecting it.
3) Make the co-worker accountable for his or her actions. So when you sit down to discuss the project, say something like, "Okay, great. So I'll draft up X on Thursday, do you think you can add Y and Z on Friday? This way, once Cindy gets Y and Z on Friday she can have the weekend to perfect it and turn it on Monday."
4) If you have to resort to email, cc your boss on it.
5) Finally, be kind. Nothing good comes out of snotty comments to co-workers even if you have reason to be annoyed.
All the best,
Kelli
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