Ask Kelli: No Veggie Option, Drastic Hair Change, & Cheating Wife

Dear Kelli,
I'm a vegetarian and have been for many years. I went to a friend's BBQ this weekend and I was really surprised to find she didn't prepare a special meal for me. The main entrees were of course hamburgers and chicken but she didn't even have a veggie burger for me. I picked a little at the potato salad, but is it wrong for me to be upset with her?

Signed,
A Bone to Pick with a Friend


Dear A Bone to Pick with a Friend,
I understand why you are upset. You feel ignored and not taken care of. But let's give your friend the benefit of the doubt. It's very possible she simply forgot you're a vegetarian. I know when I'm preparing or entertaining I'm always in a mad rush until that first guest arrives. So I would let this one go. It really sounds like she really didn't do it on purpose. But next time you are in a dinner situation like this again, I'd either do two things:

1) Bring your own food
2) Thank the guest in advance for having you and then simply remind her that you're a vegetarian. You can try something like this: "Thanks so much Lisa in advance for having me over. I just wanted to remind you that I am a vegetarian. If this is a problem I can prepare something for myself. If not, please let me know what else I can bring for everyone else."

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I recently ended a relationship with someone and desperately craving a change. I really want to cut my super long hair short and dye it black (it's blond now). Is that crazy or am I just grieving?

Signed,
Needing a Change


Dear Needing a Change,
A loss of a relationship is indeed a loss, so I'm glad you are acknowledging that you are grieving. A lot of times people think if someone's not dying, it's not really a loss. You have every right to feel angry, hurt, sad, etc. and to take the time you need to get over your relationship.

I'm glad you are taking a pause before you do anything drastic to your hair. Here are my thoughts: I would wait two weeks more to see if you still feel the same way about cutting and dyeing your hair. This way you know for sure you aren't making an impulsive decision and really want to make this change without a break-up clouding your judgment. If you find you feel the same way in two weeks, I say go for it. If you don't feel the same, well, you just saved yourself a whole lot of grief!

Remember, too, this doesn't have to be black or white (no pun intended). If you simply want to add a new style or get natural highlights to your 'do, that might
be a nice compromise. No, it's not as dramatic, but it might be smart to take less of a risk when you are the most vulnerable.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My wife had an affair eight months ago. We talked about it, and she promised she was ready to stay committed to me again. Well, a week ago I found out she was at the house of the the guy she slept. She cried, apologized, and swore she wouldn't do it again. I love her but feel blinded. Can I trust her again?

Signed,
Not Sure


Dear Not Sure,
I'm all for second chances but here's the thing: I already feel like you gave your wife hers. She cheated on you once, you forgave her, and she did it again. Two strikes and you're out! I don't mean to be harsh but it's only because I believe you deserve better. A woman (and a wife) who loves her husband doesn't cheat on him. She respects him as well as their commitment. Your wife broke her vows (twice) and now you'd be the fool if you gave her one more chance. By cheating again it shows your wife really is not ready. Sure, she may say she is but her actions spoke otherwise. Learn from your mistakes and end it. You'll find someone else who will love you the way you deserve.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Son Not Good at Sports, Forgiving Yourself, & Alcoholic or Normal?

Dear Kelli,
My son likes team sports a lot but the problem is he's not great at them. The coaches don't put him in much and I honestly understand why. But of course my son feels hurt by this. What can I do?
Signed,
No Michael Jordan


Dear No Michael Jordan,
Why not try individual sports for him? It sounds like your son is active and likes sports, so let him compete with himself. This way you can avoid any sensitivity for him over not being put in the game enough, other team members' reactions that might upset him, his standing when comparing himself to others, etc. Some great examples of individual sports are: swimming, running, martial arts, golf, skiing, and biking.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
How do I forgive myself for something really, really stupid I've done?
Signed,
Holding Myself Accountable


Dear Holding Myself Accountable,
As Churchill once said, "All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes." So the best way to forgive yourself is to honestly learn from your mistakes and make a pact to not do it again. We're human and we mess up sometimes. So ease up on yourself but try to figure out why you made the mistake in the first place. Gaining insight is a great truth seeker!

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I don't drink so I don't get it. My wife drinks a glass of wine every night at dinner. Addiction, obsession, or normal?
Thanks,
Protective Husband


Dear Protective Husband,
If she's not an alcoholic and drinks just one glass at dinner I'm definitely going with normal here. Wine is relaxing, so it makes sense that she enjoys it. It's okay. Now go bug her about something else!

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Friends Stealing, Snake Phobia, & Sensitive Artist

Dear Kelli,
My good friend "Becky" came over the other day. I had my iPhone case lying out. That same day after she left I noticed it was gone.

It's possible that I misplaced it but then I saw my friend a week later using the same iPhone case!! Yes, it's possible she bought the same one but it seems too weird. Should I say something?

Signed,
Scared to Confront


Dear Scared to Confront,
This is what I would do. The next time you see her: "Hey Becky, you know I can't seem to find my iPhone case. Really weird. Did you by any chance happen to see it?" Here's her chance to say no if she really didn't take it or come clean if she really did. If she says no I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this one time. Now, I would, however, watch to see if there are any other weird incidents in the future. If so, you know who you aren't inviting over anymore.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I have an extreme phobia of snakes. Even someone mentioning a story about one makes me queasy. How can I get over this?

Signed,
Ophiophobic


Dear Ophiophobic,
Good for you for wanting to get over your fear! That's of course, the first step. Since you mentioned this is an extreme fear, I'd highly suggest working with a trained therapist rather than doing this on your own. This way a therapist can monitor your progress, guide and support you, and make sure you don't regress.

Most often a therapist will use a process called "Systematic Desensitization" or
"Graduated Exposure Therapy." It's a behavioral therapy where you learn relaxation skills (breathing, meditation, etc.) to lessen the anxiety and fear surrounding your phobia. Once you've been taught these skills, you will use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. For example, just talking about snakes may be a 20 out of 100 on your fear scale. But looking at a picture of a snake may be a 70 out of 100. The goal of this process is that one learns to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, ultimately overcoming the final step in the chain of fears. In other words, in systematic desensitization one is gradually desensitized to the triggers that are causing the distress. Make sense? It sounds overwhelming but it's highly successful.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm an artist and build pottery jars. I overheard my brother-in-law say a really rude comment about one of my pieces to my husband. He's normally a nice guy, so is it right to say something to him? To let him know I heard the comment?

Signed,
Proud Artist


Dear Proud Artist,
Everyone has a right to their own opinion but not everyone has a right to share that opinion. I'm sorry your brother-in-law insulted you. Originally I was going to tell you to let the comment go. That unfortunately "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". But then I thought about how if I were in your shoes and I know I wouldn't just be able to shake it off. And that every time I saw my brother-in-law I'd want to scream, "I HEARD YOU SAY MY PIECE WAS UGLY!"

Here's the thing: he's your brother-in-law so he's not going anywhere real quick. And you're going to have to see him at functions, at the house, etc. That's why I think maybe you should say something along the lines of: "Hey Bob. This is a little uncomfortable but I wanted to let you know I heard what you said about my artwork. It's okay, you are entitled to your opinion but I wanted to let you know it did hurt my feelings. Perhaps you can tell me what you didn't like about the piece so I can get some constructive feedback?"

To me, that's a mature way to handle a rude comment. It's bold but I'm worried if you don't say anything at all you'll end up holding a grudge, resenting him, and ultimately ending a previously strong relationship (if you had one).

Now if your brother-in-law does comply and give you feedback, don't argue. Thank him and move on. Perhaps you could give him an updated piece of your artwork for his next birthday? Sort of as a joke and as a bury-the-hatchet kind of thing at the same time.

I'd also take this as a lesson learned. Being an artist entails a boatload of rejection. It sucks but it's also part of the territory. Accept the fact that not everyone is going to love your work -- just as you don't love every artist's piece you come across. It doesn't mean you are a bad artist or your work isn't lovely. It just means everyone has different taste.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Eating Disorders, Adopting Kids, & Loaning Money,

Dear Kelli,
How do you know if you have an eating disorder? I feel like I'm extremely concerned about my weight. I think about food and my body all the time. I don't restrict my food intake or throw up but I'm extremely conscious about it. I'm a "normal" weight but feel like I could be thinner. I eat pretty much low-calorie foods and exercise at least two hours every day. What do you think? I'm willing to see a therapist but not sure if it's necessary.

Signed,
Body Obsessed


Dear Body Obsessed,
Without even seeing you I can tell you have some challenges with food and body image. In my opinion, any time an issue becomes unmanageable and disturbs one's normal life, the person should seek treatment. It sounds like this is your case. With that being said, I'm extremely proud of you for reaching out and being open to the idea of seeing a therapist. I would highly suggest you do so.

There are many gray areas when it comes to eating disorders. It used to be just
anorexia (restricting food), bulimia (binge eating followed by purging), or
compulsive eating (uncontrollable eating); now there are many quasi-disorders
in which treatment from a therapist can substantially help. So just because you don't restrict or purge doesn't mean you don't necessarily have an eating disorder.

Overeaters Anonymous is a fabulous 12-step program for people with eating disorders. It shouldn't be a substitute for treatment but it's a great complement or start to your recovery. You can find more information here: http://www.oa.org

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm currently taking care of my 3-year-old grandson because my daughter is always working and not totally capable. She loves her son but doesn't see him that often (she works late) or is off doing something else. I would like to legally adopt him. Do you think I should?

Signed,
Grandma Wanting to Be Mom


Dear Grandma Wanting to Be Mom,
I would first you suggest a family law attorney. This sounds more like a legal issue than a therapist one. The only thing I can say is the best situation for your grandson is the one where he is best taken care of. Is that with you? Based on what you said (mother is working and not capable), most probably. It sounds like this is the best plan for the child but contact a lawyer to deal with specifics.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
A friend of mine borrowed $60 three months ago for a chair she wanted to buy. I
still haven't seen the money. I've reminded her twice and she keeps saying she'll pay me back. But I still haven't seen the money. Any thoughts?

Signed,
Loan Shark


Dear Loan Shark,
The reality is you're probably never going to see the money. It's a hard lesson to learn but an important one. You learned you aren't going to lend money to this "friend" again (and possibly anyone else). You can try again with something like: "Hey Gina, my credit card bill came yesterday. As you know I lent you $60 for the chair. Now, however, it's time to return it. I really need to pay my bill. Thanks for understanding." If this friend still doesn't pay you back I wouldn't blame you for ending the relationship. No friend takes money and doesn't pay it back. Friends are responsible and loyal to one another.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Boyfriend or Friend, Acting in LA, & Boyfriend and Best Friend Going Out?

Dear Kelli,
A few months ago I wrote to you seeking advice about how to handle a possible date that was slow in letting me know whether we should begin a "relationship". Well, it turned out that after almost three months of only wanting to go out alone with me I got tired of being monopolized and isolated from all my other friends. So, recently tried to include him in social activities but he refused as he wanted to "spend time with me alone in case our friendship turned out into a relationship". I told him I was surprised that he was even considering a relationship with me since all we did was go to restaurants or a show and that he never showed any romantic sign (e.g flowers, holding hands, a card, a compliment) that would differentiate this from a
regular friendship. He got so upset that he broke off our friendship and walked away for good. I am just puzzled about this, as it seems like the trend is that if a new friendship does not turn out into a "relationship" then there cannot be a friendship altogether between a man and a woman. It sounds a little pretentious and disappointing because while I never tried to mislead him into any particular expectations it seems like I may have lost a friend altogether -- or maybe not?

Signed,
Puzzled by Extremes


Dear Puzzled by Extremes,
Forget this man, I'm puzzled by how YOU feel! So my first question to you is: Do you want a friendship or a romantic relationship with this man? If it's a friendship, I'd explain that to him and apologize for the misunderstanding. If it's a romantic relationship, I'd actually sit back and do nothing. It sounds like this man isn't sure what he wants either and I'd give him time to figure that out on his own. If he decides he wants to be with you romantically, you'll know because he'll come back. If he doesn't come back, you'll also know. Catch my drift?

But don't under any circumstances feel badly about what you said. You had a right to ask where you were in the relationship. You gave it enough time, and it's better you know now where you stand than waiting another three months. I'm proud of you for asking. And don't fret. If this man isn't it, I know you'll find someone who is.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm 22, single, no children, etc. and I work a normal 9 to 6 job now. Is it great? No, but it pays the bills. But I can't help but think there is something missing. I've always wanted to go to LA to pursue acting. Is that crazy to just up and leave? I know I'd have to get another day job but I think I'm ready for another adventure. What do you think?

Signed,
Actress/Waitress


Dear Actress/Waitress,
I'm all for people changing up their lives especially when they have no one to be accountable to (i.e. spouse, children, etc.) So if anytime is the time, this is it! I think it's great you want to branch out and follow your dreams. With that being said, however, I am a therapist and want to point out the reality end of it too. So first let me ask: How long have you wanted to pursue this dream? If it's just a few months, you might want to wait it out a little to make sure it's still something you really want to do years from now. When things get monotonous it's easy to want to up and leave for a "geographic cure." So I would give yourself enough time to really make sure it's something you really want. After all, it's a big investment. Second, have you ever acted before? You might want to try the acting scene here in the DC area first to see how you like it. You can check out: http://www.actorscenter.org/ Or you can always take a class while your packing up to get your feet wet. With acting, it's a lot about your credits/roles. So acting here won't "waste" anything. In fact, it can help open up more doors to you for the future. Finally, I'm glad you
mentioned you'll have to get a day job if you decide to move to LA. Acting is a hard business to break into you, so you must be prepared for very little money and a lot of rejection. I don't mean to be harsh but very few actors make a good living from acting. But don't let that discourage you, I just think it helps to know all this beforehand. Here's a great book on breaking into acting in LA: Acting Is Everything: An Actor's Guidebook for a Successful Career in Los Angeles, by Judy Kerr.

Break a leg,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I caught my boyfriend out with my best friend last night at a night club. Neither one told me, I found out because I saw a picture of them on Facebook. I confronted them and they both said they're sorry. Should I end it with both of them?

Signed,
Stupid Girlfriend?


Dear Stupid Girlfriend,
I wouldn't call your boyfriend your "boyfriend" nor your best friend your "best friend". In other words, neither one deserves their title because they're certainly not acting like a boyfriend or a best friend would. Something shady is going on and you're smart to end it with both now. A boyfriend is faithful and loving to you--not your best friend. A best friend is loyal to you--not your boyfriend. In fact, they really have no reason at all to be talking to one another without you.

This is a great lesson in learning what you deserve and how to choose better friends and boyfriends. You have the right to choose people who will respect you. So the next time, don't jump so quick into making these decisions. Take some time to see if the people you surround yourself with are really trustworthy and devoted.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Vegan Gift, Movie Ratings, & Mellow Music

Dear Kelli,
I have a friend who is a vegan. It's her birthday next Saturday. Any ideas? She's not the typical crunchy vegan. She's actually quite fashionable and loves bags, shoes, and clothes (animal-free, of course).

Signed,
Vegan Fashionista


Dear Vegan Fashionista,
Here's a website www.fashion-conscience.com that has fabulous for vegan clothes and accessories.

I also really like www.mooshoes.com and www.olsenhaus.com for their stylish options in shoes.

Finally, www.alternativeoutfitters.com has a nice selection and lots on sale right now!

All the Best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
How do you know if a movie is appropriate for a young kid? I'm not sure I trust the whole G, PG, R rating system. I guess I feel lost. Some parents on my block let their kids watch anything and others shield them from everything! I feel like I'm somewhat in the middle but need some sort-of guideline.

Signed,
Two Thumbs Confused


Dear Two Thumbs Confused,
The best guideline is a combination of A) how comfortable you feel and B) how mature or sensitive your child is based on his age. So let's start with you. I'd recommend gauging the particular movie you are questioning beforehand. A fantastic site is www.commonsensemedia.org . Not only can you learn more about a particular movie's plot line but you can determine things such as if a movie is scary, violent, or inappropriate for a certain age group.

Now let's talk about your child. Is he/she mature for their age? Is he/she more of a sensitive kid? Does he/she spook easily? These are all questions that will make a difference in your decision. For example, some kids I know find G-rated films frightening while others can tolerate R-rated movies no problem. So tune in to your kids feelings to make a sound decision.

If you've done your research and you feel a movie is appropriate for your child then give it a go. If there is any hesitation, however, I'd wait. Your child can always see that particular movie later on when he/she is older. Finally, you can always "test" a G or PG movie with your child to see how he/she reacts.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm so stressed out. I'm seeing a therapist to work through my issues but wanted to know if you could recommend any relaxing music in the meantime.

Signed,
Needing Some Gentle Tunes


Dear Needing Some Gentle Tunes,
Good for you for working through your issues! In the meantime, these CD's will hopefully mellow you out:

1) Reiki Healing Hands by Anuvida and Nik Tyndall
2) Nil Chi Spirit by Mockingbird
3) Nature Sounds Lullaby: Ocean, Thunderstorms, and Relaxing Healing Music

I also really like Lifescapesmusic relaxing section. See here:
www.lifescapesmusic.com/SearchResult.aspx?CategoryID=13&sid=bb327f3e-005a-4545-8\
a57-a617bbd1abf5

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Bachelor Party Ideas, Shower Gift, & Saying No to Events

Dear Kelli,
My brother is getting married and I want to do a bachelor's party for him that is polite, respectable and involves neither stripping nor booze. Any ideas?

Also, he's having a beach wedding, what outfit do you recommend for these type of things?

Signed,
Brother of the Bridegroom


Dear Brother of the Bridegroom,
Gosh, your brother's wife must be happy! Sounds like a good guy. Sure, I've thought of a few things:

1) Attend a sporting event
2) Go camping
3) Organize a poker night
4) Perform a ropes course
5) Go boating
6) Play golf
7) Go go-karting
8) Challenge each other in whirly ball
9) Play paint ball
10) Attend a murder mystery dinner

As far as the outfit, check what the invitation says. (Although doubtful for a beach wedding) if it says "Black Tie" you need to wear a tux. If it says "Black Tie Optional" or "Formal" you can wear a tux but a suit is fine. If it says "Business Casual" you can wear something like khakis and a button-down. If it says "Casual" you can basically wear whatever you feel comfortable in (jeans,t-shirt, etc.) If the invitation says nothing, I'd go with khakis and a button down. It's better to be a little overdressed than underdressed, in my opinion. And of course you can always ask your brother what to do!

Best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I've having some money issues and in a bind. My good friend's baby shower is approaching. Is it tacky to make her a painting for the child's room in lieu of a gift?

Signed,
Want to Be Sure


Dear Want to Be Sure,
I think not only is this absolutely not tacky but it's actually quite lovely. It's a gift from your heart! It shows creativity and thoughtfulness. I'd be honored if someone did that for my baby shower.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I feel like I'm asked to go to all these events I really don't want to attend. What is the best way to tell people I can't make it? I don't want to lie but I don't want to be rude either.

Signed,
Don't Want to Go


Dear Don't Want to Go,
It's simple and truthful: "I'm so sorry I can't make it." That's it. People who have a hard time saying no (often called "people pleasers") always assume you have to give your life story why you can't make events. ("Well, I have to first clean my room and then my cousin Suzy is coming into town and we have to make a fruit salad, then walk our poodle Betty, yada, yada.") Most likely people won't even press you for a why. If they do, however, you can say, "My life is just too hectic right now. But thank you for the invite."

Good luck,
Kelli