Ask Kelli: Boyfriend or Friend, Acting in LA, & Boyfriend and Best Friend Going Out?

Dear Kelli,
A few months ago I wrote to you seeking advice about how to handle a possible date that was slow in letting me know whether we should begin a "relationship". Well, it turned out that after almost three months of only wanting to go out alone with me I got tired of being monopolized and isolated from all my other friends. So, recently tried to include him in social activities but he refused as he wanted to "spend time with me alone in case our friendship turned out into a relationship". I told him I was surprised that he was even considering a relationship with me since all we did was go to restaurants or a show and that he never showed any romantic sign (e.g flowers, holding hands, a card, a compliment) that would differentiate this from a
regular friendship. He got so upset that he broke off our friendship and walked away for good. I am just puzzled about this, as it seems like the trend is that if a new friendship does not turn out into a "relationship" then there cannot be a friendship altogether between a man and a woman. It sounds a little pretentious and disappointing because while I never tried to mislead him into any particular expectations it seems like I may have lost a friend altogether -- or maybe not?

Signed,
Puzzled by Extremes


Dear Puzzled by Extremes,
Forget this man, I'm puzzled by how YOU feel! So my first question to you is: Do you want a friendship or a romantic relationship with this man? If it's a friendship, I'd explain that to him and apologize for the misunderstanding. If it's a romantic relationship, I'd actually sit back and do nothing. It sounds like this man isn't sure what he wants either and I'd give him time to figure that out on his own. If he decides he wants to be with you romantically, you'll know because he'll come back. If he doesn't come back, you'll also know. Catch my drift?

But don't under any circumstances feel badly about what you said. You had a right to ask where you were in the relationship. You gave it enough time, and it's better you know now where you stand than waiting another three months. I'm proud of you for asking. And don't fret. If this man isn't it, I know you'll find someone who is.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm 22, single, no children, etc. and I work a normal 9 to 6 job now. Is it great? No, but it pays the bills. But I can't help but think there is something missing. I've always wanted to go to LA to pursue acting. Is that crazy to just up and leave? I know I'd have to get another day job but I think I'm ready for another adventure. What do you think?

Signed,
Actress/Waitress


Dear Actress/Waitress,
I'm all for people changing up their lives especially when they have no one to be accountable to (i.e. spouse, children, etc.) So if anytime is the time, this is it! I think it's great you want to branch out and follow your dreams. With that being said, however, I am a therapist and want to point out the reality end of it too. So first let me ask: How long have you wanted to pursue this dream? If it's just a few months, you might want to wait it out a little to make sure it's still something you really want to do years from now. When things get monotonous it's easy to want to up and leave for a "geographic cure." So I would give yourself enough time to really make sure it's something you really want. After all, it's a big investment. Second, have you ever acted before? You might want to try the acting scene here in the DC area first to see how you like it. You can check out: http://www.actorscenter.org/ Or you can always take a class while your packing up to get your feet wet. With acting, it's a lot about your credits/roles. So acting here won't "waste" anything. In fact, it can help open up more doors to you for the future. Finally, I'm glad you
mentioned you'll have to get a day job if you decide to move to LA. Acting is a hard business to break into you, so you must be prepared for very little money and a lot of rejection. I don't mean to be harsh but very few actors make a good living from acting. But don't let that discourage you, I just think it helps to know all this beforehand. Here's a great book on breaking into acting in LA: Acting Is Everything: An Actor's Guidebook for a Successful Career in Los Angeles, by Judy Kerr.

Break a leg,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I caught my boyfriend out with my best friend last night at a night club. Neither one told me, I found out because I saw a picture of them on Facebook. I confronted them and they both said they're sorry. Should I end it with both of them?

Signed,
Stupid Girlfriend?


Dear Stupid Girlfriend,
I wouldn't call your boyfriend your "boyfriend" nor your best friend your "best friend". In other words, neither one deserves their title because they're certainly not acting like a boyfriend or a best friend would. Something shady is going on and you're smart to end it with both now. A boyfriend is faithful and loving to you--not your best friend. A best friend is loyal to you--not your boyfriend. In fact, they really have no reason at all to be talking to one another without you.

This is a great lesson in learning what you deserve and how to choose better friends and boyfriends. You have the right to choose people who will respect you. So the next time, don't jump so quick into making these decisions. Take some time to see if the people you surround yourself with are really trustworthy and devoted.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Kids or No Kids, Lonely in the Ciy, Gossip, &

Dear Kelli,
I'm debating on whether or not my husband and I should have kids. I'm curious about your opinion.

Signed,
Mommy to Be?


Dear Mommy to Be?,
I'm assuming you and your husband had an in-depth discussion on this issue, right? Since this is a very big decision, that would be the first direction I'd lead you in. So I'm going to assume you've talked it over and just want a different (possibly objective) point of view. I'll try my best given I have an almost 8 month old son.

As cliché as it sounds, having a kid completely changes your life. Forget better or worse—-it's just after you have a kid your life isn't your own. Time management takes a lot of getting used to! And of course finances need to be taken into account as children don't come cheap (of course there are the basics diapers, crib, car seat, toys, etc. but some moms also have to factor in a nanny or daycare if they are working). Finally, having a child can be tiring. You'll have many a sleepless nights with feeding and crying. And so I heard once again when your teen starts driving.

Given all that, having a kid is the absolute greatest thing in the world. There is no love you feel like the love for your child. Yes, it's hard not having your own time, yes it's expensive, yes you're exhausted. But let me just tell you, when my son looks up at me and smiles, it trumps just about everything else. It has been simply amazing to experience all the different milestones with my child. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

My husband and I also debated this issue. We were big travelers and we weren't sure a child would enable us to explore. Sure, we don't travel as much, but having a child is an adventure. We're exploring in a different sense.

It's a difficult decision, I understand. But I believe more women regret not having a child then ever having one.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I was talking badly to a friend of mine about another friend of ours. Little did I know the friend I was gossiping about was two feet behind me. She heard everything! I'm mortified and of course now she won't talk to me. I understand why, but what can I do to repair our friendship?

Signed,
Not a Great Friend


Dear Not a Great Friend,
I'm glad you can see why your friend is upset. This will make your apology much more sincere. So with that being said I'd take the following steps:

1) Apologize with a handwritten note. This shows you are taking the time to think about what you've done. I believe a handwritten apology is a much classier way to show your remorse than an email or a phone call. (And of course don't apologize in a text!)

2) Own up to your behavior. Admit what you did wasn't right. Sometimes the person just has to hear your taking accountability for your action.

3) Give your friend some time. Often times distance is the best way for someone to forgive. You can say something like, "I understand you may need some time. I'll respect your space but know I'm always here when you are ready to talk."

4) Expect things to be different. Maybe not forever but at least for a little while. So have some patience and understanding.

5) Use this experience as a lesson learned. Look, we're not all saints (and let's be honest, we all gossip to a certain extent). But take this situation and figure out what you can learn from it. Perhaps you are better off confronting friends about what's bothering you than talking about it behind their backs with someone else. You can even mention this to your friend. "I realized now I should have talked directly to you about what I was upset about. This is a really great lesson for me to learn."

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm single and very, very lonely. I've read your other posts about taking classes, so I just signed up for two: a cooking class and a photographer class. And I've signed up for two dating websites. Anything else I can do? I just feel so isolated.

Signed,
Single in the City


Dear Single in the City,
I'm proud you've taken the steps I've suggested so far. I believe once you start your classes you'll feel more a part of things. In the meantime? Why don't you initiate your own singles support group? A support group will make you feel less alone, normalize and validate your feelings, and give you a chance to meet other single girls (wing woman, anyone?). Plus, if anything it will give you something to do, keep your mind off feeling lonely, and empower you in more ways than you think. The best part? You can decide on all the options. I'll make it easy for you and outline how to start:

1) Define your target audience. Okay, it's obvious you're targeting other singles but be what else? How about gender? Do you want this group too be women or men in the group too? What age group? Are you cool with college peeps and old grandpas? Specify. And where do you want your people from? Just your part of the city or are you okay with everywhere in the MD/DC/VA area?

2) Define the group's purpose. Is this group merely about connecting with other single women? Or is to meet other single males too? Are you looking to establish a group of girls to go out with just at night? Do you want a single's group that plays sports? Goes to the movies? You get my drift.

3) Publicize it. Here's where your marketing skills will come in handy.

A) Word of mouth. This is the best way in my opinion. Tell everyone you know singles and non-singles included) that you're starting a group. Ask them to spread the word too.

B) Send out a mass email. Same deal: tell people you're starting a singles group. Ask if they know anyone or would want to join. You'd be amazed how many singles will come out of the woodwork.

C) Design a simple flyer. Stick that sucker at the gym, grocery store, and library. If you don't know details yet, just include your name, phone number, and email address. Mention you're open to any ideas people have.

D) Utilize the internet. Meetups.com and Yahoo!Groups are both great way to publicize your event. And of course this listserv is great too. You can look for other venues similar to these as well.

4) Establish a first meeting

A) Pick an open forum. This is of course for safety reasons. Restaurants, the mall, a park, etc., are all good spots. Or you can call your local library. They usually offer study or community rooms for no fee (you just have to book it in advance).

B) Keep the meeting open to member's ideas. Ask questions to the group and see what they want to get out of it.

C) Establish a board and make people accountable. Accountability helps hold the group together because everyone has a specific task to do. Design a committee. Vote on a president (oversees how the group is running), social committee chairperson (in charge of the social events), treasurer (takes care of member funds if necessary), and secretary (keeps note and track of what was covered at the meeting)

D) Discuss rules. Is there a fee to join the group? How often do you want to meet? What days and times? Is alcohol allowed? If one member in the group dates another and it ends poorly do you want to establish a no stalking or harassing rule?

E) Create the next meeting. This way you're scheduling it while everyone is there.

This should certainly keep you busy!

Good luck,
Kelli

Family Drama, Phone Sex Grounds for Divorce? & Friendship Boundaries

Dear Kelli-
I have not felt close with my step-siblings for many years. A few years ago, their father passed away, so we are no longer technically related. A few weeks ago, my step-brother, his wife and their child moved to the area from the Midwest, where we all used to live. There are no other relatives in the DC area. They did not contact me to let me know they were going to move here or to let me know they had moved or to give me their information -- my mother passed all of this information to me. She believes we are all still one big happy family. What is generally considered the appropriate thing to do? Do I contactthem or let them contact me? And why bother...?

Signed,
Not Really One Big Happy Family


Dear Not Really One Big Happy Family,
It's interesting: I think on the one hand you want to write your "family" off. As you say, "why bother?" On the other hand, I think there is a part of you that really does care. I mean, would you really write to me for advice if you honestly didn't care? My guess is that deep down there is a piece of you that wants to do the kind and appropriate thing. And to me that is being the bigger
person, contacting with your step-family, and wishing them a happy move-in (and if you really want brownie points: inviting them over for dinner). Yes, it's difficult. Yes, they aren't your favorite people in the world. But you're doing the right thing. Keeping your side of the street clean as they say. And you'll feel better. Wouldn't you want them to do the same for you?

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband and I have been married 40 years. It's a pretty sorry relationship and although we're mostly pleasant with one another and occasionally enjoy a laugh together, there hasn't been a physical relationship for over 10 years. Recently he has begun to have phone sex with a young friend from out west. I had noticed changes in him, overheard a few things, and happened on his sent emails, which confirmed it along with mutual statements of love and lust. I was away for the weekend and now see that things have progress to his having long conversations with her while I am in earshot. He's following her pot roast recipe, talking about taking his sweaters to the cleaners--all friendly and chatty.

I am not really upset about his falling in love. We all deserve to have love in our lives and it is not going to happen with us again in our long problematic relationship.

I am upset that this is now intolerable and I'm going to have to confront him, make housing and financial decisions, and families on both sides will get tossed around emotionally.

I am also concerned that the 35 year old, quite beautiful and sexy grandmother will get tired of him and we'll then be blown apart for nothing.

At 66, I would be OK with living on my own, I have friends and lots of interests. I would hate to lose our little retirement house and I would hate for him to move and leave children and grandchildren without him. Money would, of course, be more of a problem.

I don't think I have any right to ask him to stop, nor would he be likely to.

Do you have any idea what steps to recommend? I'm heading for the library to study up but am hoping for some sage advice as well. Is phone sex/love enough grounds for divorce in DC?

Signed,
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
There is no question divorce is extremely difficult. I believe the first step you have to take if you are going to go through with this is simply accepting the fact this is not going to be easy.

It sounds like you're trying to weigh whether you should continue living with your spouse who is emotionally (and possibly physically) cheating on you or divorcing him and dealing with some logistical complexities.

From what you wrote I get the sense you can't live with the situation anymore (obviously totally understandable). My guess is that you are mainly nervous about the big steps that lie ahead, not whether or not you're making a mistake by leaving him. What you have to remember is that the logistical complexities won't last forever. Yes, they will be tough and frustrating for awhile but then it will get easier. And you're okay with the hardest part: living on your own.

I believe an important question to ask yourself is: Is my self-worth more important than dealing with some (temporary) rearrangements?

As for the fear that your husband's phone-sex mistress will get tired of him -- well, frankly that is not your problem. You have more important things to worry about, like what night you are going out with your friends, when you are getting your next massage, and so on. Take this time for you; you deserve it. And don't worry about her. You can't do anything about their situation anyway.

Unfortunately I don't know the laws in DC regarding divorce and phone sex. I would suggest hiring a good divorce lawyer who can tell you more specifics.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I need advice on how to handle a difficult situation. My two best friends never married each other but have a wonderful child together. They have decided that they should live as far apart from one another and are no longer on positive terms with each other. I have told them both that they should try to sort their issues out without going through lawyers. I also told them that I would not repeat my advice/position and that I would stay neutral since I am in no position to take sides. They continue to share with me their messages with one another on what they plan to do against each other. I really do not want to get involved and caught in the middle since they ignored my plea and are now escalating this to legal litigation. I also hope to never to receive a subpoena as this would tear our friendship apart. On the other hand, they are very close friends of mine and they need my support. Any advice you can give on the best way to handle this?

Signed,
A Friend Who Wants to Help


Dear Friend Who Wants to Help,
You need to reestablish your boundaries with both of your friends. As much as you don't realize it, you are in control here. You need to state firmly to each of them: "I love and support you but I cannot be put in the middle of this. If you value our friendship you will respect my wishes and not discuss any part of the divorce with me." If nothing changes then you have to question the
friendship you have in the first place. Friends respect each other's boundaries.

All the best,
Kelli