Dear Kelli,
I'm debating on whether or not my husband and I should have kids. I'm curious about your opinion.
Signed,
Mommy to Be?
Dear Mommy to Be?,
I'm assuming you and your husband had an in-depth discussion on this issue, right? Since this is a very big decision, that would be the first direction I'd lead you in. So I'm going to assume you've talked it over and just want a different (possibly objective) point of view. I'll try my best given I have an almost 8 month old son.
As cliché as it sounds, having a kid completely changes your life. Forget better or worse—-it's just after you have a kid your life isn't your own. Time management takes a lot of getting used to! And of course finances need to be taken into account as children don't come cheap (of course there are the basics diapers, crib, car seat, toys, etc. but some moms also have to factor in a nanny or daycare if they are working). Finally, having a child can be tiring. You'll have many a sleepless nights with feeding and crying. And so I heard once again when your teen starts driving.
Given all that, having a kid is the absolute greatest thing in the world. There is no love you feel like the love for your child. Yes, it's hard not having your own time, yes it's expensive, yes you're exhausted. But let me just tell you, when my son looks up at me and smiles, it trumps just about everything else. It has been simply amazing to experience all the different milestones with my child. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
My husband and I also debated this issue. We were big travelers and we weren't sure a child would enable us to explore. Sure, we don't travel as much, but having a child is an adventure. We're exploring in a different sense.
It's a difficult decision, I understand. But I believe more women regret not having a child then ever having one.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I was talking badly to a friend of mine about another friend of ours. Little did I know the friend I was gossiping about was two feet behind me. She heard everything! I'm mortified and of course now she won't talk to me. I understand why, but what can I do to repair our friendship?
Signed,
Not a Great Friend
Dear Not a Great Friend,
I'm glad you can see why your friend is upset. This will make your apology much more sincere. So with that being said I'd take the following steps:
1) Apologize with a handwritten note. This shows you are taking the time to think about what you've done. I believe a handwritten apology is a much classier way to show your remorse than an email or a phone call. (And of course don't apologize in a text!)
2) Own up to your behavior. Admit what you did wasn't right. Sometimes the person just has to hear your taking accountability for your action.
3) Give your friend some time. Often times distance is the best way for someone to forgive. You can say something like, "I understand you may need some time. I'll respect your space but know I'm always here when you are ready to talk."
4) Expect things to be different. Maybe not forever but at least for a little while. So have some patience and understanding.
5) Use this experience as a lesson learned. Look, we're not all saints (and let's be honest, we all gossip to a certain extent). But take this situation and figure out what you can learn from it. Perhaps you are better off confronting friends about what's bothering you than talking about it behind their backs with someone else. You can even mention this to your friend. "I realized now I should have talked directly to you about what I was upset about. This is a really great lesson for me to learn."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm single and very, very lonely. I've read your other posts about taking classes, so I just signed up for two: a cooking class and a photographer class. And I've signed up for two dating websites. Anything else I can do? I just feel so isolated.
Signed,
Single in the City
Dear Single in the City,
I'm proud you've taken the steps I've suggested so far. I believe once you start your classes you'll feel more a part of things. In the meantime? Why don't you initiate your own singles support group? A support group will make you feel less alone, normalize and validate your feelings, and give you a chance to meet other single girls (wing woman, anyone?). Plus, if anything it will give you something to do, keep your mind off feeling lonely, and empower you in more ways than you think. The best part? You can decide on all the options. I'll make it easy for you and outline how to start:
1) Define your target audience. Okay, it's obvious you're targeting other singles but be what else? How about gender? Do you want this group too be women or men in the group too? What age group? Are you cool with college peeps and old grandpas? Specify. And where do you want your people from? Just your part of the city or are you okay with everywhere in the MD/DC/VA area?
2) Define the group's purpose. Is this group merely about connecting with other single women? Or is to meet other single males too? Are you looking to establish a group of girls to go out with just at night? Do you want a single's group that plays sports? Goes to the movies? You get my drift.
3) Publicize it. Here's where your marketing skills will come in handy.
A) Word of mouth. This is the best way in my opinion. Tell everyone you know singles and non-singles included) that you're starting a group. Ask them to spread the word too.
B) Send out a mass email. Same deal: tell people you're starting a singles group. Ask if they know anyone or would want to join. You'd be amazed how many singles will come out of the woodwork.
C) Design a simple flyer. Stick that sucker at the gym, grocery store, and library. If you don't know details yet, just include your name, phone number, and email address. Mention you're open to any ideas people have.
D) Utilize the internet. Meetups.com and Yahoo!Groups are both great way to publicize your event. And of course this listserv is great too. You can look for other venues similar to these as well.
4) Establish a first meeting
A) Pick an open forum. This is of course for safety reasons. Restaurants, the mall, a park, etc., are all good spots. Or you can call your local library. They usually offer study or community rooms for no fee (you just have to book it in advance).
B) Keep the meeting open to member's ideas. Ask questions to the group and see what they want to get out of it.
C) Establish a board and make people accountable. Accountability helps hold the group together because everyone has a specific task to do. Design a committee. Vote on a president (oversees how the group is running), social committee chairperson (in charge of the social events), treasurer (takes care of member funds if necessary), and secretary (keeps note and track of what was covered at the meeting)
D) Discuss rules. Is there a fee to join the group? How often do you want to meet? What days and times? Is alcohol allowed? If one member in the group dates another and it ends poorly do you want to establish a no stalking or harassing rule?
E) Create the next meeting. This way you're scheduling it while everyone is there.
This should certainly keep you busy!
Good luck,
Kelli
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