Ask Kelli: Sibling Problems, Spouse Drinking, & Career Counseling

Dear Kelli,
I have one sibling, an older sister, and we are very close. We are 16 months apart and our relationship has been compared to that of twin sisters. Even though we live three hours apart by car, we talk on the phone multiple times a day and manage to see each other once or twice a month.

My sister has always been one to bend the truth and tell personal stories in a way that make her look good even if it means leaving out significant details (usually those details that may show her in a negative light). Lately, her ability to tell the truth is getting worse and it's really starting to irritate me. She lies about the simplest things: For example, if she goes for a walk through the neighborhood, she'll tell people she went biking because it makes it sound like she had more of a work out (even though she doesn't own a bike).

I didn't used to confront her about her white lies, but I can't help it anymore. Lately when something doesn't make sense to me or I know one of her statements or stories to be false, I ask her to explain. Naturally, she doesn't like being questioned about her lies and she gets very defensive. This usually leads to an
argument. I've asked her to just tell me the truth and then we wouldn't have any
issues. She even broke down recently and said she has an issue with telling the whole story (still not admitting that her problem also includes being dishonest). She said there is so much bad stuff going on in her life right now that she leaves out details sometimes (her 41-year-old husband has been unemployed for 10 months and joined the Army at the end of February as a last resort, she lost her home about five years ago because her husband had a serious gambling problem and gambled away a half a million dollars, so they had to move into a condo owned by her in-laws, she has a serious weight problem (she's at least 150 pounds overweight) and has a lot of
related health problems and recently had to get her gallbladder removed -- just
to name a few). I pointed out that she not only leaves out details, but she also
flat out lies. Of course, she denied that.

I love my older sister very much and have always felt lucky to be so close to her, but I don't know how much more of the lies and storytelling I can take. The whole situation makes me feel ill. What should I do?

Signed,
Please Just Tell Me The Truth


Dear Please Just Tell Me The Truth,
I think the first step in this situation is to getting your sister a psychiatric evaluation. I'm concerned your sister may be a pathological or compulsive liar. A pathological liar is someone who lies to improve their self-image and actually believes the lies he/she is telling. A compulsive liar is someone who lies out of habit. Either way, this problem signals to me your sister's having a hard time coping with life and could benefit from a therapeutic intervention.

As far as your relationship goes, it's good you know what you are dealing with here. I say support your sister during this time (she's obviously troubled) but know you can't 100% trust her. I know that's hard to digest, especially given the fact she's your sister. But you have a choice: either continue the relationship as is and accept it won't be an authentic one or have no relationship at all. In my opinion, the best thing you can do for her right now is get her help, and after that, your relationship can only improve.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
My husband is a good guy but when he drinks (not that often) he sometimes gets out of hand. Not only will he get very loud, he'll also be a little more aggressive towards me. He won't hurt me but will slap my butt a little or grab my waist harder in front of others. It's embarrassing and I really don't like it. What can I do? I would not classify him an alcoholic because he only drinks every few months or so.

Signed,
Don't Want to Go to Al-Anon


Dear Don't Want to Go to Al-Anon,
You can't change your husband when he drinks. But you can change the consequences when he drinks. When your husband is sober, tell him you don't like the way he behaves when is drunk. Then explain exactly what you don't like (you slap my butt, grab my waist harder, you get loud, etc.). Then tell him the next time he acts like that you are leaving the party without him. And follow up on it. He'll realize there are consequences to his actions.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
What book do you recommend for helping decide on a career?

Thanks,
Undecided

Dear Undecided,
The most popular books for career counseling are: "What Color Is Your Parachute? 2010: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers," by Richard Nelson Bolles, "Do What You Are: Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type," by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron, and "I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It," by Barbara Sher and Barbara Smith.

Good luck,
Kelli