Dear Kelli,
My dog was attacked by a neighbor's dog while I was walking my dog. It was an unprovoked out-of-the blue attack and the resulting injuries have run up an expensive vet bill. I plan to sue my neighbor for the cost of the vet's bill if she doesn't pay, but here's my question: Should I also report the dog to animal control? If I do, they'll investigate, require her to attend classes and add her to a "list." That means that if the dog attacks another dog or another person next time, it could be put to sleep. I don't want that to happen, but I'm also concerned that the dog might hurt another dog again -- or worse, a child.
Signed,
Puppy Pal
Dear Puppy Pal,
I'm sorry about your dog. What happened was scary and you are absolutely right -- dangerous both for other dogs and for children as well. And I also understand your dilemma about this dog being put to sleep if it happens again. I'm a huge animal lover so I hear you loud and clear.
So here is what I'm thinking: Go over to your neighbor's house and have a sit-down. First discuss what happened then hear her point of view. (If you allow her to feel heard she is less likely to be defensive.) Next talk about the vet bill and what she plans to do. After that, explain exactly what you told me: that you don't want to report her dog but are worried about other dogs' and children's safety. Ask her what she would do if the situation was reversed and see if she has any ideas that are appropriate. But if she doesn't have any suitable ideas, tell her you thought about this and you are willing for her to hire a dog trainer specializing in aggression or she and her dog could attend a similar canine class. If the trainer works with the dog for an extended period of time and believes the dog is okay -- and unlikely to harm other dogs and children -- you will not report the attack. Same goes for if the dog attends a class and passes. But your neighbor must show you the receipt and/or allow you to talk directly with the trainer.
In the meantime, please take pictures of the bite and document exactly what happened so you have a record.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I recently went on a camping trip with two other friends and we had a falling-out with one of them who happened to be a friend I've known for over ten years. This ex-friend became very argumentative and borderline dangerous, so after we got back from the one-week trip, we all went our separate ways. A week later he sent both of us a list of expenditures which included the initial hotel and transportation cost, and on top of that the cost of his own camping gear and bikes which he still has. We reimbursed him for the hotel and transportation but refused to pay for his things even though we all used them, because there was no prior agreement or understanding that we would cover those costs. He is relentlessly asking for this reimbursement, but he is unwilling to meet with us to discuss the matter.
In spite of attempts by both of us to reconcile with him, he has threatened to take us to court for $250 each. My lawyers are saying this would be a frivolous lawsuit. My medical friends think he may be having a psychotic breakdown, that he is trying to get attention, and may act out his anger even if we paid him off. We think paying what we do not owe would be giving in to extortion under harassing and intimidating conditions. However, his lack of self control of his latent anger (which I now realize has been probably brewing for quite some time) worries me. My question is: What should I do to minimize escalating his anger, as I do not want to give in to his financial demands?
Signed,
Looking Over My Shoulder
Dear Looking Over My Shoulder,
My question to you is this: In all the ten years of knowing your friend has he ever behaved like this? Did he show any of these "psychotic" traits when you were friendly? (Just trying to understand if this was uncharacteristic of him or he's always been a little off and you just dealt with it.) Usually people with anger issues or mental health issues exhibit these behaviors throughout the relationship and show "red flags."
My advice on how to minimize escalating his anger is to have no more contact with him. I'm tempted to say pay him off just so you don't have to deal with him anymore, but my fear is that your ex-friend has some serious mental health issues. The best way to deal with people like that is to have absolutely no contact with them (so they don't have anything more to grab onto).
If you simply looked at the situation rationally, you paid for your share and just as you said, you didn't have any agreement prior to the trip to pay him for the use of his equipment. Your other friend agrees, so it's really your word and your friend's word against his. I'm not a lawyer but chances of a successful lawsuit on his end are slim. It's doubtful he'd sue anyway. Lawyer bills alone might be the same, if not more, than what the lawsuit would be worth!
As I advised the previous writer, document everything that happened that weekend (and even previous "red flags" you noticed to prove mental health issues).
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I work in a team setting. I'm efficient, responsible, and get my work done without reminders. My teammates are more "relaxed." Things are always done in the 11th hour. I'm going out of my mind! How can I get them to think more like me?
Signed,
The Efficient One
Dear Efficient One,
Here's what's interesting: You didn't say your co-workers don't get things done; you just said things get done at the last minute. So the problem isn't the fact you have inefficient co-workers, it's that you have co-workers who work differently from you. That doesn't mean their work habits are wrong. It just means they have a different work style.
Listen, I'm on your side here. I'm like you: I get my stuff done. Pronto. And sometimes even early. But you just have to respect the fact that other people may take a different approach. Some people work better under pressure. (I know, how?) Others work better with more of a time frame.
You have to do your part, then let it go. In other words, submit your end of the deal (on your own time frame) and let the others submit their part of the project on theirs.
Of course, hold them accountable. ("Okay, John and Rick, I submitted Part A. So, John, you'll do Part B by 12 am, and Rick you'll do Part C by 12 am?")
Even though it's frustrating waiting for your co-workers, try not to let that influence your own work habits. I'm sure people respect your work ethic even if you've heard no comments on it outright. So continue to do good work and you can never be faulted.
Good luck,
Kelli
Monday, November 29, 2010
Ask Kelli: Foot Fetish, Don't Want to Do Thanksgiving at M-Inlaws, & Man Watching Too Much Sports?
Dear Kelli,
I have a foot fetish. I could stare at people's feet all day long. Is this normal?
Signed,
Happy Feet
Dear Happy Feet,
Normal? Probably not. Insane? No. You have a foot fetish. Not the worst fetish I've heard. Look, everyone has a preference. Some like legs, others like feet. You're one of those. That's okay. In my opinion, as long as you aren't touching the stranger's feet, I think you're okay to admire them.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to tell my extremely persuasive mother-in-law that we don't want to come home for the holidays? We both want to stay here in DC, relax, and eat turkey in front of our own TV. She lives cross country. We really don't feel like schlepping on a five hour flight, waiting in line, and dealing with her force feeding that occurs every Thanksgiving.
Signed,
Homebound
Dear Homebound,
My first piece of advice is to have your husband manage his mother. When it comes to mother-in-law issues, it's in the husband's hands.
So have him do the dirty work.
Now if he is away or can't for some logical (key word, logical) reason, then I suggest you try telling the truth. Something like, "'Mom,' I have to be honest with you. We think it might be too much for us to fly out for Thanksgiving this year. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. We both have been feeling really drained lately and we're not sure right now we can withstand all the traffic and flying. This wasn't an easy decision, especially because we know how badly you want us to come out, so we thank you in advance for understanding."
Then end it. If she tries to guilt-trip you, you don't give in. You end it. Something like, "I know you really want me there, 'Mom' and I'm sorry we've come to this decision."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What's a reasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports? My husband watches 35 hours (yes 35!) of sports a week. It often takes the place of watching the kids, helping clean up, couple time, sex, etc. I'm getting fed up but wondering if I have reason to be.
Signed,
Not a Sports Fan
Dear Not a Sports Fan,
A unreasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports is at the point at which his wife feels their marriage has been compromised. You have every right to feel frustrated and annoyed. Thirty-five hours a week is a lot of TV time. It's a lot even if your husband is Michael Jordan.
So here's my advice. Stop being a doormat and start talking to your husband about it. Tell him your marriage is on the line. Yes, it's dramatic but it's also the truth. With 35 hours a week (and I assume he's also working?) when does he have time for you? And your kids? If he keeps on watching the amount he's watching, you're going to continue to feel ignored. And then eventually you're going to get resentful and possibly fall out of love. Maybe he doesn't directly mean to hurt you, but he is. He's also disrespecting your family. So you must say something. You have every right to feel "fed up."
It's one thing to have a passion and love for sports. And several hours a week is understandable. But 35 hours is a sign that something's not working. You need to have a sit-down with your man and discuss.
All the best,
Kelli
I have a foot fetish. I could stare at people's feet all day long. Is this normal?
Signed,
Happy Feet
Dear Happy Feet,
Normal? Probably not. Insane? No. You have a foot fetish. Not the worst fetish I've heard. Look, everyone has a preference. Some like legs, others like feet. You're one of those. That's okay. In my opinion, as long as you aren't touching the stranger's feet, I think you're okay to admire them.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to tell my extremely persuasive mother-in-law that we don't want to come home for the holidays? We both want to stay here in DC, relax, and eat turkey in front of our own TV. She lives cross country. We really don't feel like schlepping on a five hour flight, waiting in line, and dealing with her force feeding that occurs every Thanksgiving.
Signed,
Homebound
Dear Homebound,
My first piece of advice is to have your husband manage his mother. When it comes to mother-in-law issues, it's in the husband's hands.
So have him do the dirty work.
Now if he is away or can't for some logical (key word, logical) reason, then I suggest you try telling the truth. Something like, "'Mom,' I have to be honest with you. We think it might be too much for us to fly out for Thanksgiving this year. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. We both have been feeling really drained lately and we're not sure right now we can withstand all the traffic and flying. This wasn't an easy decision, especially because we know how badly you want us to come out, so we thank you in advance for understanding."
Then end it. If she tries to guilt-trip you, you don't give in. You end it. Something like, "I know you really want me there, 'Mom' and I'm sorry we've come to this decision."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What's a reasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports? My husband watches 35 hours (yes 35!) of sports a week. It often takes the place of watching the kids, helping clean up, couple time, sex, etc. I'm getting fed up but wondering if I have reason to be.
Signed,
Not a Sports Fan
Dear Not a Sports Fan,
A unreasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports is at the point at which his wife feels their marriage has been compromised. You have every right to feel frustrated and annoyed. Thirty-five hours a week is a lot of TV time. It's a lot even if your husband is Michael Jordan.
So here's my advice. Stop being a doormat and start talking to your husband about it. Tell him your marriage is on the line. Yes, it's dramatic but it's also the truth. With 35 hours a week (and I assume he's also working?) when does he have time for you? And your kids? If he keeps on watching the amount he's watching, you're going to continue to feel ignored. And then eventually you're going to get resentful and possibly fall out of love. Maybe he doesn't directly mean to hurt you, but he is. He's also disrespecting your family. So you must say something. You have every right to feel "fed up."
It's one thing to have a passion and love for sports. And several hours a week is understandable. But 35 hours is a sign that something's not working. You need to have a sit-down with your man and discuss.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Ask Kelli: Spouse Gained Weight, Type A That Can't Slow Down, & Texting Daughter
Dear Kelli,
Okay, I realize I am going to sound shallow, but my wife has gained weight. Not just a few pounds but about 20 in the past 10 years. She was always thin. It definitely bothers me. It doesn't seem fair—this isn't what I married into. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?
Signed,
Fat Woman's Husband
Dear Fat Woman's Husband,
Your feelings are your feelings. I never tell clients, "You can't feel this way or it's wrong to feel this way." You are most definitely entitled to feel the way you do. You're human!
Now is it justified to feel the way you do? Here's my answer: Yes and no.
Yes, it's justified to feel frustrated that the woman you married 10 years ago was 20 pounds lighter. She was a hottie then and you felt lucky marrying her. You didn't expect her to gain 20 pounds. Understandable. But let me ask you. Have you changed at all in the past 10 years? Wrinkles, perhaps? A little more gray? I have a feeling your wife isn't saying "I'm so resentful that my husband has more gray hair. This isn't what I married."
So I think there needs to be a little acceptance on your part that the woman you married 10 years ago wasn't going to stay exactly the same. I hear you that 20 pounds is a difference. But I also know you didn't only marry your wife for her looks. So I want you to think about the things that have changed in the past 10 years but for the better. Perhaps you're closer now? Have experienced more things together?
More importantly, however, there may be a deeper issue is why your wife's gained weight. Is she "emotionally eating"? Depressed? Maybe it's a thyroid issue? Perhaps you can talk about all of this. There might be a reason she's gained weight over the last 10 years.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm a definitely type A personality. I always need to GO, GO, GO! How can I slow down? I feel like it's virtually impossible for someone like me.
Signed,
Can't Wait
Dear Can't Wait,
Here's an interesting thought: Are you afraid that if you aren't busy, you won't feel important? Or that others won't view you as important? Are you afraid if you actually slow down and sit with the present moment, you won't like it? These are some of the reasons people who feel like they always have to be on the move don't like to sit still.
So realize your value isn't about what you do, how much you accomplish, or if you can get 10 errands done in one day. People don't care (they are too busy thinking about themselves). Here's an exercise that can help you to step back and slow yourself down: Write a list about what you believe makes you valuable. I bet you it's not how much you can do.
Be okay with doing nothing once in awhile. It's good for your body, mind, and soul to rest. Let that adrenaline take a break. It deserves it.
And I'd of course prioritize. Not everything has to get done in one day. Or 10 minutes. So make a list of the really important stuff and deal with that first.
And finally, meditate. I know. You are telling me you can't sit still, let alone meditate. But ironically, meditating will teach you to slow down.
Remember, less is more!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My daughter is constantly texting. Yes, she's a typical teen but what I'm nervous about is when she drives. I don't want to take away her phone in case of emergency, and aside from drilling it into her head, what else can I do to ensure that she won't text while driving?
Signed,
Mom of Texting Daughter
Dear Mom of Texting Daughter,
I thought of a few things:
1) Have her watch the Oprah episode about teens who texted while driving. It's eye-opening to see firsthand what can happen.
2) On that note: have her sign the Oprah no texting pledge.
3) Tell her to keep her purse (with her phone) in the back seat. This way she isn't tempted to text at the stoplights.
4) Remind her of the message: no text is worth dying for (I saw that on a commercial and thought it was very powerful!)
5) Talk to other moms and see what they suggest.
All the best,
Kelli
Okay, I realize I am going to sound shallow, but my wife has gained weight. Not just a few pounds but about 20 in the past 10 years. She was always thin. It definitely bothers me. It doesn't seem fair—this isn't what I married into. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?
Signed,
Fat Woman's Husband
Dear Fat Woman's Husband,
Your feelings are your feelings. I never tell clients, "You can't feel this way or it's wrong to feel this way." You are most definitely entitled to feel the way you do. You're human!
Now is it justified to feel the way you do? Here's my answer: Yes and no.
Yes, it's justified to feel frustrated that the woman you married 10 years ago was 20 pounds lighter. She was a hottie then and you felt lucky marrying her. You didn't expect her to gain 20 pounds. Understandable. But let me ask you. Have you changed at all in the past 10 years? Wrinkles, perhaps? A little more gray? I have a feeling your wife isn't saying "I'm so resentful that my husband has more gray hair. This isn't what I married."
So I think there needs to be a little acceptance on your part that the woman you married 10 years ago wasn't going to stay exactly the same. I hear you that 20 pounds is a difference. But I also know you didn't only marry your wife for her looks. So I want you to think about the things that have changed in the past 10 years but for the better. Perhaps you're closer now? Have experienced more things together?
More importantly, however, there may be a deeper issue is why your wife's gained weight. Is she "emotionally eating"? Depressed? Maybe it's a thyroid issue? Perhaps you can talk about all of this. There might be a reason she's gained weight over the last 10 years.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm a definitely type A personality. I always need to GO, GO, GO! How can I slow down? I feel like it's virtually impossible for someone like me.
Signed,
Can't Wait
Dear Can't Wait,
Here's an interesting thought: Are you afraid that if you aren't busy, you won't feel important? Or that others won't view you as important? Are you afraid if you actually slow down and sit with the present moment, you won't like it? These are some of the reasons people who feel like they always have to be on the move don't like to sit still.
So realize your value isn't about what you do, how much you accomplish, or if you can get 10 errands done in one day. People don't care (they are too busy thinking about themselves). Here's an exercise that can help you to step back and slow yourself down: Write a list about what you believe makes you valuable. I bet you it's not how much you can do.
Be okay with doing nothing once in awhile. It's good for your body, mind, and soul to rest. Let that adrenaline take a break. It deserves it.
And I'd of course prioritize. Not everything has to get done in one day. Or 10 minutes. So make a list of the really important stuff and deal with that first.
And finally, meditate. I know. You are telling me you can't sit still, let alone meditate. But ironically, meditating will teach you to slow down.
Remember, less is more!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My daughter is constantly texting. Yes, she's a typical teen but what I'm nervous about is when she drives. I don't want to take away her phone in case of emergency, and aside from drilling it into her head, what else can I do to ensure that she won't text while driving?
Signed,
Mom of Texting Daughter
Dear Mom of Texting Daughter,
I thought of a few things:
1) Have her watch the Oprah episode about teens who texted while driving. It's eye-opening to see firsthand what can happen.
2) On that note: have her sign the Oprah no texting pledge.
3) Tell her to keep her purse (with her phone) in the back seat. This way she isn't tempted to text at the stoplights.
4) Remind her of the message: no text is worth dying for (I saw that on a commercial and thought it was very powerful!)
5) Talk to other moms and see what they suggest.
All the best,
Kelli
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