Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who did something horrible: She wanted a baby and essentially tricked the guy she was dating by saying she was on the pill when she wasn't. She's now six months pregnant and ecstatic. the problem is that I've lost respect for her. While I understand her longing for a child, I don't believe in how she went about it. Worse yet, the man she is dating told her upfront when they first started dating that he never wanted kids! Do I say something? Do I just not be friends with her?
Signed,
To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend?
Dear To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend,
Before you make any judgments I'd make absolutely sure you know exactly what happened. I just wouldn't want you to make your decision based on false information.
Assuming the information is absolutely correct, you have to ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who is capable of tricking a man she is dating into having a baby. I completely understand why you'd lose respect for someone like that. A person who'd do something like that is manipulative, selfish, and has shown a horrible disrespect for another person's wishes. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. Her actions would frighten me.
Still, I think you're past the point of saying something helpful about the situation. She's already six months pregnant, and you've seen what she is capable of. I would slowly exit the relationship. If she asks why, it's okay to be honest with her. Perhaps her wanting a baby overshadowed everything else, and you can mention that. The problem I have is with the man she is dating. It's not fair that this man is now a father because your friend wanted a baby. So you can point out how it's one thing to choose to change one's own life, but quite another to force her partner to change his life drastically as well. It should have been a decision they came to together, not something forced on him by her deceit. You can tell her that her actions have caused you to question her integrity and that has damaged your friendship.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How do you tell a co-worker that what she is wearing is completely unflattering and downright unattractive?
Signed,
Want to Help
Dear Want to Help,
Urgh, I feel for you. You have good intentions and you just want to help this poor person look nice. But with co-workers, I believe it's more complicated than it is with a friend or family. You have a job in common and you don't want to say things that would jeopardize your working relationship, and/or your job for that matter. So I would just keep your mouth (and eyes) closed. I just don't think it's worth it. You never know how this person will react.
Now if this person asks you for your opinion, well, that's a different story. I wouldn't say something negative about what the co-worker is currently wearing but maybe point out what would look nice. For example, you can say something delicate like, "You know you have a great neckline (arms, etc.) and I think this particular style would be very flattering on you."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is the best compliment you can give to someone?
Signed,
Want to Be Nice
Dear Want to Be Nice,
The best compliment, in my opinion, is one that is the most genuine. So if you really admire someone's intelligence, that would work. Or someone's artistic ability -- talk about that. Whatever you focus on, you should speak from the heart and let the person know how you feel. Although any compliment is great, one that is really personal feels the warmest to me!
All the best,
Kelli
Friday, October 22, 2010
Ask Kelli: Size of a Man's Package, BF Moving, & Clothes at Work
Dear Kelli,
Do women really care about the size of a man’s “package?”
Signed,
Always Wanted to Know
Dear Always Wanted to Know,
I’m going to speak generally here, no. Most clients I talk to say it’s not about the size but more about the ability. You know the expression: “It’s not the size of the wand, it’s the magic in the stick!”
And larger isn’t necessarily better. I know clients who’ve told me they’ve been with bigger men and it was extremely painful.
And small isn’t necessarily bad. I’ve talked to clients who told me they’ve been with small guys and had a wonderful time. So I think it all depends.
No fear. I believe more women are concerned with how much a man makes rather than the size of his “package.”
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My boyfriend and I were dating for 6 months when he asked me to move in with him. I was all set to do when he lost his job. Our relationship suffered and I felt really disconnected from him. We’re still dating but a week ago he got a job in San Diego. He decided to take it but didn’t ask me to come with him. Should I ask him to go? Or should I surprise him once he settles?
Signed,
San Diego Bound
Dear San Diego Bound,
Whoa there. Don’t pack your sunscreen. Don’t pack your bathing suit. In fact, don’t pack a thing. The man you’ve been dating hasn’t asked you to come with him. Let me repeat that. He hasn’t asked you to come with him. In guy code that means “it’s over.” I’m so sorry. I can tell you want this relationship to work but don’t you believe if he truly loved you, he’d want you to go with him? You deserve that.
I wouldn’t ask him, nor surprise him. I’d take it as a sign the relationship is done.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I like to wear low-cut things. That’s just my style. Well, my human resources manager came up to me yesterday and asked to speak with me. She said what I was wearing was inappropriate. I nodded because I didn’t know what else to do. Now I’m pissed. Don’t I have the right to wear anything I want?
Signed,
Erin Brocovich Admirer
Dear Erin Brocovich Admirer,
Yes, you have the right to wear whatever you want. Just not in the workplace. Dress however you want in your own home or out but you have to abide the rules at your work. Especially if you want to keep your job.
Job stability is so scary right now (did you read the above post?) so you want to do everything in your power to stay on top. Even though your appearance may have nothing to do with your work skills, some people may make assumptions or label you a certain way. And this may unconsciously affect their opinion about your performance. Perhaps HR is making a point that dressing too revealing is distracting to co-workers. It doesn’t really matter. The issue is that you need to start shopping for new clothes.
It sounds like maybe you know you aren’t dressing properly but are more insulted at the fact. Look, no one likes being told what to do and especially how to dress. But the workplace has it’s own set of rules and sometimes we have to bite the bullet to keep our paycheck.
All the best,
Kelli
Do women really care about the size of a man’s “package?”
Signed,
Always Wanted to Know
Dear Always Wanted to Know,
I’m going to speak generally here, no. Most clients I talk to say it’s not about the size but more about the ability. You know the expression: “It’s not the size of the wand, it’s the magic in the stick!”
And larger isn’t necessarily better. I know clients who’ve told me they’ve been with bigger men and it was extremely painful.
And small isn’t necessarily bad. I’ve talked to clients who told me they’ve been with small guys and had a wonderful time. So I think it all depends.
No fear. I believe more women are concerned with how much a man makes rather than the size of his “package.”
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My boyfriend and I were dating for 6 months when he asked me to move in with him. I was all set to do when he lost his job. Our relationship suffered and I felt really disconnected from him. We’re still dating but a week ago he got a job in San Diego. He decided to take it but didn’t ask me to come with him. Should I ask him to go? Or should I surprise him once he settles?
Signed,
San Diego Bound
Dear San Diego Bound,
Whoa there. Don’t pack your sunscreen. Don’t pack your bathing suit. In fact, don’t pack a thing. The man you’ve been dating hasn’t asked you to come with him. Let me repeat that. He hasn’t asked you to come with him. In guy code that means “it’s over.” I’m so sorry. I can tell you want this relationship to work but don’t you believe if he truly loved you, he’d want you to go with him? You deserve that.
I wouldn’t ask him, nor surprise him. I’d take it as a sign the relationship is done.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I like to wear low-cut things. That’s just my style. Well, my human resources manager came up to me yesterday and asked to speak with me. She said what I was wearing was inappropriate. I nodded because I didn’t know what else to do. Now I’m pissed. Don’t I have the right to wear anything I want?
Signed,
Erin Brocovich Admirer
Dear Erin Brocovich Admirer,
Yes, you have the right to wear whatever you want. Just not in the workplace. Dress however you want in your own home or out but you have to abide the rules at your work. Especially if you want to keep your job.
Job stability is so scary right now (did you read the above post?) so you want to do everything in your power to stay on top. Even though your appearance may have nothing to do with your work skills, some people may make assumptions or label you a certain way. And this may unconsciously affect their opinion about your performance. Perhaps HR is making a point that dressing too revealing is distracting to co-workers. It doesn’t really matter. The issue is that you need to start shopping for new clothes.
It sounds like maybe you know you aren’t dressing properly but are more insulted at the fact. Look, no one likes being told what to do and especially how to dress. But the workplace has it’s own set of rules and sometimes we have to bite the bullet to keep our paycheck.
All the best,
Kelli
Monday, October 11, 2010
Ask Kelli: Relationship with Mother, Just Sex, & Changed Man
Dear Kelli,
My sister and I, both in our late 30's, regularly analyze, bemoan, and talk to death the problem that our mom isn't really good at being a supportive mom. We're grateful that our family is healthy, happy, and in the local area, but I wish I could be closer to my mom and be able to go to her in a crisis That is not the case right now, and after learning the hard way, I'm much more likely to rely on my sister, my husband, and my friends for support. As a result, I don't discuss much of importance in my life with my mom, and that makes me sad.
Are there good words I can use to say to my mom? Perhaps: "Look, I'd love it if we had the kind of relationship where I could come to you to talk about the difficulties in my life and be supported." Instead what happens is that she usually says something very short and negative and not helpful: "Why on earth would you do that?" or "Well, all doctors are stupid. I can't believe they did that to you," or "What do you mean? I've never heard you say that before" (after reminding her about bad news) or "I'm so upset about this." And then she inartfully changes the subject, or gets off the phone, or puts my dad on the phone.
I know it's not personal -- she does the same thing to her friends. She says that she "can't stand all that crying." But I do take it personally in the sense that I feel like she is still the mom, even though we're all adults, and it would be nice once in a while if my emotional needs came first. Since I basically don't tell her anything about my life because it's more stressful to deal with her reaction, I do not feel like my emotional needs ever come first.
Since both my sister and I have ample support systems in place, should we give up this fight and stop being disappointed when our mom's reaction to bad news just adds to the stress of the situation?
Signed,
Hoping for a Different Reaction
Dear Hoping for a Different Reaction,
I'm sorry your mom isn't supportive, especially in the way you need. It's understandably frustrating for you. I think fundamentally we all want our moms to be there for us, to give us unconditional love, and to respond positively when we are reaching out. But sometimes that's not the case. And unfortunately, that's your situation. So you need to start taking some action.
First step is to grieve, then accept. It sounds to me that while you know in your rational mind that your your mom isn't the best support, you still can't accept that reality. So give yourself time to grieve over it. Grieve the fact your mom isn't there for you in the way you want her to be. Grieve the fact that you can't tell your mom about your life, and grieve the fact that you need to count on others to fill your emotional needs. Once you finish grieving, then you can start really accepting.
Next step? Utilizing the other supports in your life. The great news is that mentioned you do have a strong support system. Use them. That's what they are there for.
Finally, surrender. That means stop wishing your mom were different. She is who she is. So reframe the situation. Maybe she's not the best when it comes to emotional issues, but in what other areas is she helpful? Try to see her as a whole person-perhaps falling short in some areas but strong in others. Explore and investigate her strong areas. This way you can feel she is useful to you in some ways and you won't concentrate so much on how she isn't useful to you in others.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm madly in love with this man I've been dating for 6 months. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want to take it any further but is willing to have a purely physical relationship with me (just sex). I feel like I love this man so much, I'm willing to do it. But is that crazy?
Signed,
Anything for Love
Dear Anything for Love,
It's not crazy, it's just desperate. I certainly understand that you love this man but he doesn't feel the same. Having sex with him isn't going to make him commit to you-in fact, it may actually pull you farther apart. Why? Because if he's getting what he wants, he's less likely to court (or even respect) you. It shows there's some truth to the old expression: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" So no, I would absolutely not agree to this "deal." I'm sorry he doesn't feel the same and I know that's painful. But you can't give in to his needs in the hope that he'll feel closer to you. You're only compromising yourself.
What does it say about this guy that he just wants sex from you? Does that give you any insight into his character? Sometimes we fall in love with the challenge of a man, not the actual person. This man doesn't like a decent man who respects woman. Don't you want someone who cares for you and not just your body?
A lot of times woman are so insecure, they don't realize how valuable they are. You are very special and if you start believing it, other people will as well. You deserve the whole package-love, commitment, and intimacy. Not just sex.
Now kick this guy to the curb.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How can I communicate to my wife that I've changed?
Signed,
A Changed Man
Dear Changed Man,
You don't communicate it to your wife -- you show it to her. You can't speak trust, you can only earn it. So prove it to your wife in whatever way demonstrates the change (e.g., spending less, showing more appreciation for her, not gambling, etc.). And be patient. If she's a smart woman, she'll know she's got to see the change for herself for a bit to actually believe it.
All the best,
Kelli
My sister and I, both in our late 30's, regularly analyze, bemoan, and talk to death the problem that our mom isn't really good at being a supportive mom. We're grateful that our family is healthy, happy, and in the local area, but I wish I could be closer to my mom and be able to go to her in a crisis That is not the case right now, and after learning the hard way, I'm much more likely to rely on my sister, my husband, and my friends for support. As a result, I don't discuss much of importance in my life with my mom, and that makes me sad.
Are there good words I can use to say to my mom? Perhaps: "Look, I'd love it if we had the kind of relationship where I could come to you to talk about the difficulties in my life and be supported." Instead what happens is that she usually says something very short and negative and not helpful: "Why on earth would you do that?" or "Well, all doctors are stupid. I can't believe they did that to you," or "What do you mean? I've never heard you say that before" (after reminding her about bad news) or "I'm so upset about this." And then she inartfully changes the subject, or gets off the phone, or puts my dad on the phone.
I know it's not personal -- she does the same thing to her friends. She says that she "can't stand all that crying." But I do take it personally in the sense that I feel like she is still the mom, even though we're all adults, and it would be nice once in a while if my emotional needs came first. Since I basically don't tell her anything about my life because it's more stressful to deal with her reaction, I do not feel like my emotional needs ever come first.
Since both my sister and I have ample support systems in place, should we give up this fight and stop being disappointed when our mom's reaction to bad news just adds to the stress of the situation?
Signed,
Hoping for a Different Reaction
Dear Hoping for a Different Reaction,
I'm sorry your mom isn't supportive, especially in the way you need. It's understandably frustrating for you. I think fundamentally we all want our moms to be there for us, to give us unconditional love, and to respond positively when we are reaching out. But sometimes that's not the case. And unfortunately, that's your situation. So you need to start taking some action.
First step is to grieve, then accept. It sounds to me that while you know in your rational mind that your your mom isn't the best support, you still can't accept that reality. So give yourself time to grieve over it. Grieve the fact your mom isn't there for you in the way you want her to be. Grieve the fact that you can't tell your mom about your life, and grieve the fact that you need to count on others to fill your emotional needs. Once you finish grieving, then you can start really accepting.
Next step? Utilizing the other supports in your life. The great news is that mentioned you do have a strong support system. Use them. That's what they are there for.
Finally, surrender. That means stop wishing your mom were different. She is who she is. So reframe the situation. Maybe she's not the best when it comes to emotional issues, but in what other areas is she helpful? Try to see her as a whole person-perhaps falling short in some areas but strong in others. Explore and investigate her strong areas. This way you can feel she is useful to you in some ways and you won't concentrate so much on how she isn't useful to you in others.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm madly in love with this man I've been dating for 6 months. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want to take it any further but is willing to have a purely physical relationship with me (just sex). I feel like I love this man so much, I'm willing to do it. But is that crazy?
Signed,
Anything for Love
Dear Anything for Love,
It's not crazy, it's just desperate. I certainly understand that you love this man but he doesn't feel the same. Having sex with him isn't going to make him commit to you-in fact, it may actually pull you farther apart. Why? Because if he's getting what he wants, he's less likely to court (or even respect) you. It shows there's some truth to the old expression: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" So no, I would absolutely not agree to this "deal." I'm sorry he doesn't feel the same and I know that's painful. But you can't give in to his needs in the hope that he'll feel closer to you. You're only compromising yourself.
What does it say about this guy that he just wants sex from you? Does that give you any insight into his character? Sometimes we fall in love with the challenge of a man, not the actual person. This man doesn't like a decent man who respects woman. Don't you want someone who cares for you and not just your body?
A lot of times woman are so insecure, they don't realize how valuable they are. You are very special and if you start believing it, other people will as well. You deserve the whole package-love, commitment, and intimacy. Not just sex.
Now kick this guy to the curb.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How can I communicate to my wife that I've changed?
Signed,
A Changed Man
Dear Changed Man,
You don't communicate it to your wife -- you show it to her. You can't speak trust, you can only earn it. So prove it to your wife in whatever way demonstrates the change (e.g., spending less, showing more appreciation for her, not gambling, etc.). And be patient. If she's a smart woman, she'll know she's got to see the change for herself for a bit to actually believe it.
All the best,
Kelli
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