Dear Kelli,
My son likes team sports a lot but the problem is he's not great at them. The coaches don't put him in much and I honestly understand why. But of course my son feels hurt by this. What can I do?
Signed,
No Michael Jordan
Dear No Michael Jordan,
Why not try individual sports for him? It sounds like your son is active and likes sports, so let him compete with himself. This way you can avoid any sensitivity for him over not being put in the game enough, other team members' reactions that might upset him, his standing when comparing himself to others, etc. Some great examples of individual sports are: swimming, running, martial arts, golf, skiing, and biking.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How do I forgive myself for something really, really stupid I've done?
Signed,
Holding Myself Accountable
Dear Holding Myself Accountable,
As Churchill once said, "All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes." So the best way to forgive yourself is to honestly learn from your mistakes and make a pact to not do it again. We're human and we mess up sometimes. So ease up on yourself but try to figure out why you made the mistake in the first place. Gaining insight is a great truth seeker!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I don't drink so I don't get it. My wife drinks a glass of wine every night at dinner. Addiction, obsession, or normal?
Thanks,
Protective Husband
Dear Protective Husband,
If she's not an alcoholic and drinks just one glass at dinner I'm definitely going with normal here. Wine is relaxing, so it makes sense that she enjoys it. It's okay. Now go bug her about something else!
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Ask Kelli: Friends Stealing, Snake Phobia, & Sensitive Artist
Dear Kelli,
My good friend "Becky" came over the other day. I had my iPhone case lying out. That same day after she left I noticed it was gone.
It's possible that I misplaced it but then I saw my friend a week later using the same iPhone case!! Yes, it's possible she bought the same one but it seems too weird. Should I say something?
Signed,
Scared to Confront
Dear Scared to Confront,
This is what I would do. The next time you see her: "Hey Becky, you know I can't seem to find my iPhone case. Really weird. Did you by any chance happen to see it?" Here's her chance to say no if she really didn't take it or come clean if she really did. If she says no I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this one time. Now, I would, however, watch to see if there are any other weird incidents in the future. If so, you know who you aren't inviting over anymore.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have an extreme phobia of snakes. Even someone mentioning a story about one makes me queasy. How can I get over this?
Signed,
Ophiophobic
Dear Ophiophobic,
Good for you for wanting to get over your fear! That's of course, the first step. Since you mentioned this is an extreme fear, I'd highly suggest working with a trained therapist rather than doing this on your own. This way a therapist can monitor your progress, guide and support you, and make sure you don't regress.
Most often a therapist will use a process called "Systematic Desensitization" or
"Graduated Exposure Therapy." It's a behavioral therapy where you learn relaxation skills (breathing, meditation, etc.) to lessen the anxiety and fear surrounding your phobia. Once you've been taught these skills, you will use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. For example, just talking about snakes may be a 20 out of 100 on your fear scale. But looking at a picture of a snake may be a 70 out of 100. The goal of this process is that one learns to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, ultimately overcoming the final step in the chain of fears. In other words, in systematic desensitization one is gradually desensitized to the triggers that are causing the distress. Make sense? It sounds overwhelming but it's highly successful.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm an artist and build pottery jars. I overheard my brother-in-law say a really rude comment about one of my pieces to my husband. He's normally a nice guy, so is it right to say something to him? To let him know I heard the comment?
Signed,
Proud Artist
Dear Proud Artist,
Everyone has a right to their own opinion but not everyone has a right to share that opinion. I'm sorry your brother-in-law insulted you. Originally I was going to tell you to let the comment go. That unfortunately "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". But then I thought about how if I were in your shoes and I know I wouldn't just be able to shake it off. And that every time I saw my brother-in-law I'd want to scream, "I HEARD YOU SAY MY PIECE WAS UGLY!"
Here's the thing: he's your brother-in-law so he's not going anywhere real quick. And you're going to have to see him at functions, at the house, etc. That's why I think maybe you should say something along the lines of: "Hey Bob. This is a little uncomfortable but I wanted to let you know I heard what you said about my artwork. It's okay, you are entitled to your opinion but I wanted to let you know it did hurt my feelings. Perhaps you can tell me what you didn't like about the piece so I can get some constructive feedback?"
To me, that's a mature way to handle a rude comment. It's bold but I'm worried if you don't say anything at all you'll end up holding a grudge, resenting him, and ultimately ending a previously strong relationship (if you had one).
Now if your brother-in-law does comply and give you feedback, don't argue. Thank him and move on. Perhaps you could give him an updated piece of your artwork for his next birthday? Sort of as a joke and as a bury-the-hatchet kind of thing at the same time.
I'd also take this as a lesson learned. Being an artist entails a boatload of rejection. It sucks but it's also part of the territory. Accept the fact that not everyone is going to love your work -- just as you don't love every artist's piece you come across. It doesn't mean you are a bad artist or your work isn't lovely. It just means everyone has different taste.
All the best,
Kelli
My good friend "Becky" came over the other day. I had my iPhone case lying out. That same day after she left I noticed it was gone.
It's possible that I misplaced it but then I saw my friend a week later using the same iPhone case!! Yes, it's possible she bought the same one but it seems too weird. Should I say something?
Signed,
Scared to Confront
Dear Scared to Confront,
This is what I would do. The next time you see her: "Hey Becky, you know I can't seem to find my iPhone case. Really weird. Did you by any chance happen to see it?" Here's her chance to say no if she really didn't take it or come clean if she really did. If she says no I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this one time. Now, I would, however, watch to see if there are any other weird incidents in the future. If so, you know who you aren't inviting over anymore.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have an extreme phobia of snakes. Even someone mentioning a story about one makes me queasy. How can I get over this?
Signed,
Ophiophobic
Dear Ophiophobic,
Good for you for wanting to get over your fear! That's of course, the first step. Since you mentioned this is an extreme fear, I'd highly suggest working with a trained therapist rather than doing this on your own. This way a therapist can monitor your progress, guide and support you, and make sure you don't regress.
Most often a therapist will use a process called "Systematic Desensitization" or
"Graduated Exposure Therapy." It's a behavioral therapy where you learn relaxation skills (breathing, meditation, etc.) to lessen the anxiety and fear surrounding your phobia. Once you've been taught these skills, you will use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. For example, just talking about snakes may be a 20 out of 100 on your fear scale. But looking at a picture of a snake may be a 70 out of 100. The goal of this process is that one learns to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, ultimately overcoming the final step in the chain of fears. In other words, in systematic desensitization one is gradually desensitized to the triggers that are causing the distress. Make sense? It sounds overwhelming but it's highly successful.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm an artist and build pottery jars. I overheard my brother-in-law say a really rude comment about one of my pieces to my husband. He's normally a nice guy, so is it right to say something to him? To let him know I heard the comment?
Signed,
Proud Artist
Dear Proud Artist,
Everyone has a right to their own opinion but not everyone has a right to share that opinion. I'm sorry your brother-in-law insulted you. Originally I was going to tell you to let the comment go. That unfortunately "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". But then I thought about how if I were in your shoes and I know I wouldn't just be able to shake it off. And that every time I saw my brother-in-law I'd want to scream, "I HEARD YOU SAY MY PIECE WAS UGLY!"
Here's the thing: he's your brother-in-law so he's not going anywhere real quick. And you're going to have to see him at functions, at the house, etc. That's why I think maybe you should say something along the lines of: "Hey Bob. This is a little uncomfortable but I wanted to let you know I heard what you said about my artwork. It's okay, you are entitled to your opinion but I wanted to let you know it did hurt my feelings. Perhaps you can tell me what you didn't like about the piece so I can get some constructive feedback?"
To me, that's a mature way to handle a rude comment. It's bold but I'm worried if you don't say anything at all you'll end up holding a grudge, resenting him, and ultimately ending a previously strong relationship (if you had one).
Now if your brother-in-law does comply and give you feedback, don't argue. Thank him and move on. Perhaps you could give him an updated piece of your artwork for his next birthday? Sort of as a joke and as a bury-the-hatchet kind of thing at the same time.
I'd also take this as a lesson learned. Being an artist entails a boatload of rejection. It sucks but it's also part of the territory. Accept the fact that not everyone is going to love your work -- just as you don't love every artist's piece you come across. It doesn't mean you are a bad artist or your work isn't lovely. It just means everyone has different taste.
All the best,
Kelli
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Ask Kelli: Eating Disorders, Adopting Kids, & Loaning Money,
Dear Kelli,
How do you know if you have an eating disorder? I feel like I'm extremely concerned about my weight. I think about food and my body all the time. I don't restrict my food intake or throw up but I'm extremely conscious about it. I'm a "normal" weight but feel like I could be thinner. I eat pretty much low-calorie foods and exercise at least two hours every day. What do you think? I'm willing to see a therapist but not sure if it's necessary.
Signed,
Body Obsessed
Dear Body Obsessed,
Without even seeing you I can tell you have some challenges with food and body image. In my opinion, any time an issue becomes unmanageable and disturbs one's normal life, the person should seek treatment. It sounds like this is your case. With that being said, I'm extremely proud of you for reaching out and being open to the idea of seeing a therapist. I would highly suggest you do so.
There are many gray areas when it comes to eating disorders. It used to be just
anorexia (restricting food), bulimia (binge eating followed by purging), or
compulsive eating (uncontrollable eating); now there are many quasi-disorders
in which treatment from a therapist can substantially help. So just because you don't restrict or purge doesn't mean you don't necessarily have an eating disorder.
Overeaters Anonymous is a fabulous 12-step program for people with eating disorders. It shouldn't be a substitute for treatment but it's a great complement or start to your recovery. You can find more information here: http://www.oa.org
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm currently taking care of my 3-year-old grandson because my daughter is always working and not totally capable. She loves her son but doesn't see him that often (she works late) or is off doing something else. I would like to legally adopt him. Do you think I should?
Signed,
Grandma Wanting to Be Mom
Dear Grandma Wanting to Be Mom,
I would first you suggest a family law attorney. This sounds more like a legal issue than a therapist one. The only thing I can say is the best situation for your grandson is the one where he is best taken care of. Is that with you? Based on what you said (mother is working and not capable), most probably. It sounds like this is the best plan for the child but contact a lawyer to deal with specifics.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
A friend of mine borrowed $60 three months ago for a chair she wanted to buy. I
still haven't seen the money. I've reminded her twice and she keeps saying she'll pay me back. But I still haven't seen the money. Any thoughts?
Signed,
Loan Shark
Dear Loan Shark,
The reality is you're probably never going to see the money. It's a hard lesson to learn but an important one. You learned you aren't going to lend money to this "friend" again (and possibly anyone else). You can try again with something like: "Hey Gina, my credit card bill came yesterday. As you know I lent you $60 for the chair. Now, however, it's time to return it. I really need to pay my bill. Thanks for understanding." If this friend still doesn't pay you back I wouldn't blame you for ending the relationship. No friend takes money and doesn't pay it back. Friends are responsible and loyal to one another.
All the best,
Kelli
How do you know if you have an eating disorder? I feel like I'm extremely concerned about my weight. I think about food and my body all the time. I don't restrict my food intake or throw up but I'm extremely conscious about it. I'm a "normal" weight but feel like I could be thinner. I eat pretty much low-calorie foods and exercise at least two hours every day. What do you think? I'm willing to see a therapist but not sure if it's necessary.
Signed,
Body Obsessed
Dear Body Obsessed,
Without even seeing you I can tell you have some challenges with food and body image. In my opinion, any time an issue becomes unmanageable and disturbs one's normal life, the person should seek treatment. It sounds like this is your case. With that being said, I'm extremely proud of you for reaching out and being open to the idea of seeing a therapist. I would highly suggest you do so.
There are many gray areas when it comes to eating disorders. It used to be just
anorexia (restricting food), bulimia (binge eating followed by purging), or
compulsive eating (uncontrollable eating); now there are many quasi-disorders
in which treatment from a therapist can substantially help. So just because you don't restrict or purge doesn't mean you don't necessarily have an eating disorder.
Overeaters Anonymous is a fabulous 12-step program for people with eating disorders. It shouldn't be a substitute for treatment but it's a great complement or start to your recovery. You can find more information here: http://www.oa.org
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm currently taking care of my 3-year-old grandson because my daughter is always working and not totally capable. She loves her son but doesn't see him that often (she works late) or is off doing something else. I would like to legally adopt him. Do you think I should?
Signed,
Grandma Wanting to Be Mom
Dear Grandma Wanting to Be Mom,
I would first you suggest a family law attorney. This sounds more like a legal issue than a therapist one. The only thing I can say is the best situation for your grandson is the one where he is best taken care of. Is that with you? Based on what you said (mother is working and not capable), most probably. It sounds like this is the best plan for the child but contact a lawyer to deal with specifics.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
A friend of mine borrowed $60 three months ago for a chair she wanted to buy. I
still haven't seen the money. I've reminded her twice and she keeps saying she'll pay me back. But I still haven't seen the money. Any thoughts?
Signed,
Loan Shark
Dear Loan Shark,
The reality is you're probably never going to see the money. It's a hard lesson to learn but an important one. You learned you aren't going to lend money to this "friend" again (and possibly anyone else). You can try again with something like: "Hey Gina, my credit card bill came yesterday. As you know I lent you $60 for the chair. Now, however, it's time to return it. I really need to pay my bill. Thanks for understanding." If this friend still doesn't pay you back I wouldn't blame you for ending the relationship. No friend takes money and doesn't pay it back. Friends are responsible and loyal to one another.
All the best,
Kelli
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