Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who did something horrible: She wanted a baby and essentially tricked the guy she was dating by saying she was on the pill when she wasn't. She's now six months pregnant and ecstatic. the problem is that I've lost respect for her. While I understand her longing for a child, I don't believe in how she went about it. Worse yet, the man she is dating told her upfront when they first started dating that he never wanted kids! Do I say something? Do I just not be friends with her?
Signed,
To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend?
Dear To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend,
Before you make any judgments I'd make absolutely sure you know exactly what happened. I just wouldn't want you to make your decision based on false information.
Assuming the information is absolutely correct, you have to ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who is capable of tricking a man she is dating into having a baby. I completely understand why you'd lose respect for someone like that. A person who'd do something like that is manipulative, selfish, and has shown a horrible disrespect for another person's wishes. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. Her actions would frighten me.
Still, I think you're past the point of saying something helpful about the situation. She's already six months pregnant, and you've seen what she is capable of. I would slowly exit the relationship. If she asks why, it's okay to be honest with her. Perhaps her wanting a baby overshadowed everything else, and you can mention that. The problem I have is with the man she is dating. It's not fair that this man is now a father because your friend wanted a baby. So you can point out how it's one thing to choose to change one's own life, but quite another to force her partner to change his life drastically as well. It should have been a decision they came to together, not something forced on him by her deceit. You can tell her that her actions have caused you to question her integrity and that has damaged your friendship.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How do you tell a co-worker that what she is wearing is completely unflattering and downright unattractive?
Signed,
Want to Help
Dear Want to Help,
Urgh, I feel for you. You have good intentions and you just want to help this poor person look nice. But with co-workers, I believe it's more complicated than it is with a friend or family. You have a job in common and you don't want to say things that would jeopardize your working relationship, and/or your job for that matter. So I would just keep your mouth (and eyes) closed. I just don't think it's worth it. You never know how this person will react.
Now if this person asks you for your opinion, well, that's a different story. I wouldn't say something negative about what the co-worker is currently wearing but maybe point out what would look nice. For example, you can say something delicate like, "You know you have a great neckline (arms, etc.) and I think this particular style would be very flattering on you."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is the best compliment you can give to someone?
Signed,
Want to Be Nice
Dear Want to Be Nice,
The best compliment, in my opinion, is one that is the most genuine. So if you really admire someone's intelligence, that would work. Or someone's artistic ability -- talk about that. Whatever you focus on, you should speak from the heart and let the person know how you feel. Although any compliment is great, one that is really personal feels the warmest to me!
All the best,
Kelli
Friday, October 22, 2010
Ask Kelli: Size of a Man's Package, BF Moving, & Clothes at Work
Dear Kelli,
Do women really care about the size of a man’s “package?”
Signed,
Always Wanted to Know
Dear Always Wanted to Know,
I’m going to speak generally here, no. Most clients I talk to say it’s not about the size but more about the ability. You know the expression: “It’s not the size of the wand, it’s the magic in the stick!”
And larger isn’t necessarily better. I know clients who’ve told me they’ve been with bigger men and it was extremely painful.
And small isn’t necessarily bad. I’ve talked to clients who told me they’ve been with small guys and had a wonderful time. So I think it all depends.
No fear. I believe more women are concerned with how much a man makes rather than the size of his “package.”
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My boyfriend and I were dating for 6 months when he asked me to move in with him. I was all set to do when he lost his job. Our relationship suffered and I felt really disconnected from him. We’re still dating but a week ago he got a job in San Diego. He decided to take it but didn’t ask me to come with him. Should I ask him to go? Or should I surprise him once he settles?
Signed,
San Diego Bound
Dear San Diego Bound,
Whoa there. Don’t pack your sunscreen. Don’t pack your bathing suit. In fact, don’t pack a thing. The man you’ve been dating hasn’t asked you to come with him. Let me repeat that. He hasn’t asked you to come with him. In guy code that means “it’s over.” I’m so sorry. I can tell you want this relationship to work but don’t you believe if he truly loved you, he’d want you to go with him? You deserve that.
I wouldn’t ask him, nor surprise him. I’d take it as a sign the relationship is done.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I like to wear low-cut things. That’s just my style. Well, my human resources manager came up to me yesterday and asked to speak with me. She said what I was wearing was inappropriate. I nodded because I didn’t know what else to do. Now I’m pissed. Don’t I have the right to wear anything I want?
Signed,
Erin Brocovich Admirer
Dear Erin Brocovich Admirer,
Yes, you have the right to wear whatever you want. Just not in the workplace. Dress however you want in your own home or out but you have to abide the rules at your work. Especially if you want to keep your job.
Job stability is so scary right now (did you read the above post?) so you want to do everything in your power to stay on top. Even though your appearance may have nothing to do with your work skills, some people may make assumptions or label you a certain way. And this may unconsciously affect their opinion about your performance. Perhaps HR is making a point that dressing too revealing is distracting to co-workers. It doesn’t really matter. The issue is that you need to start shopping for new clothes.
It sounds like maybe you know you aren’t dressing properly but are more insulted at the fact. Look, no one likes being told what to do and especially how to dress. But the workplace has it’s own set of rules and sometimes we have to bite the bullet to keep our paycheck.
All the best,
Kelli
Do women really care about the size of a man’s “package?”
Signed,
Always Wanted to Know
Dear Always Wanted to Know,
I’m going to speak generally here, no. Most clients I talk to say it’s not about the size but more about the ability. You know the expression: “It’s not the size of the wand, it’s the magic in the stick!”
And larger isn’t necessarily better. I know clients who’ve told me they’ve been with bigger men and it was extremely painful.
And small isn’t necessarily bad. I’ve talked to clients who told me they’ve been with small guys and had a wonderful time. So I think it all depends.
No fear. I believe more women are concerned with how much a man makes rather than the size of his “package.”
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My boyfriend and I were dating for 6 months when he asked me to move in with him. I was all set to do when he lost his job. Our relationship suffered and I felt really disconnected from him. We’re still dating but a week ago he got a job in San Diego. He decided to take it but didn’t ask me to come with him. Should I ask him to go? Or should I surprise him once he settles?
Signed,
San Diego Bound
Dear San Diego Bound,
Whoa there. Don’t pack your sunscreen. Don’t pack your bathing suit. In fact, don’t pack a thing. The man you’ve been dating hasn’t asked you to come with him. Let me repeat that. He hasn’t asked you to come with him. In guy code that means “it’s over.” I’m so sorry. I can tell you want this relationship to work but don’t you believe if he truly loved you, he’d want you to go with him? You deserve that.
I wouldn’t ask him, nor surprise him. I’d take it as a sign the relationship is done.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I like to wear low-cut things. That’s just my style. Well, my human resources manager came up to me yesterday and asked to speak with me. She said what I was wearing was inappropriate. I nodded because I didn’t know what else to do. Now I’m pissed. Don’t I have the right to wear anything I want?
Signed,
Erin Brocovich Admirer
Dear Erin Brocovich Admirer,
Yes, you have the right to wear whatever you want. Just not in the workplace. Dress however you want in your own home or out but you have to abide the rules at your work. Especially if you want to keep your job.
Job stability is so scary right now (did you read the above post?) so you want to do everything in your power to stay on top. Even though your appearance may have nothing to do with your work skills, some people may make assumptions or label you a certain way. And this may unconsciously affect their opinion about your performance. Perhaps HR is making a point that dressing too revealing is distracting to co-workers. It doesn’t really matter. The issue is that you need to start shopping for new clothes.
It sounds like maybe you know you aren’t dressing properly but are more insulted at the fact. Look, no one likes being told what to do and especially how to dress. But the workplace has it’s own set of rules and sometimes we have to bite the bullet to keep our paycheck.
All the best,
Kelli
Monday, October 11, 2010
Ask Kelli: Relationship with Mother, Just Sex, & Changed Man
Dear Kelli,
My sister and I, both in our late 30's, regularly analyze, bemoan, and talk to death the problem that our mom isn't really good at being a supportive mom. We're grateful that our family is healthy, happy, and in the local area, but I wish I could be closer to my mom and be able to go to her in a crisis That is not the case right now, and after learning the hard way, I'm much more likely to rely on my sister, my husband, and my friends for support. As a result, I don't discuss much of importance in my life with my mom, and that makes me sad.
Are there good words I can use to say to my mom? Perhaps: "Look, I'd love it if we had the kind of relationship where I could come to you to talk about the difficulties in my life and be supported." Instead what happens is that she usually says something very short and negative and not helpful: "Why on earth would you do that?" or "Well, all doctors are stupid. I can't believe they did that to you," or "What do you mean? I've never heard you say that before" (after reminding her about bad news) or "I'm so upset about this." And then she inartfully changes the subject, or gets off the phone, or puts my dad on the phone.
I know it's not personal -- she does the same thing to her friends. She says that she "can't stand all that crying." But I do take it personally in the sense that I feel like she is still the mom, even though we're all adults, and it would be nice once in a while if my emotional needs came first. Since I basically don't tell her anything about my life because it's more stressful to deal with her reaction, I do not feel like my emotional needs ever come first.
Since both my sister and I have ample support systems in place, should we give up this fight and stop being disappointed when our mom's reaction to bad news just adds to the stress of the situation?
Signed,
Hoping for a Different Reaction
Dear Hoping for a Different Reaction,
I'm sorry your mom isn't supportive, especially in the way you need. It's understandably frustrating for you. I think fundamentally we all want our moms to be there for us, to give us unconditional love, and to respond positively when we are reaching out. But sometimes that's not the case. And unfortunately, that's your situation. So you need to start taking some action.
First step is to grieve, then accept. It sounds to me that while you know in your rational mind that your your mom isn't the best support, you still can't accept that reality. So give yourself time to grieve over it. Grieve the fact your mom isn't there for you in the way you want her to be. Grieve the fact that you can't tell your mom about your life, and grieve the fact that you need to count on others to fill your emotional needs. Once you finish grieving, then you can start really accepting.
Next step? Utilizing the other supports in your life. The great news is that mentioned you do have a strong support system. Use them. That's what they are there for.
Finally, surrender. That means stop wishing your mom were different. She is who she is. So reframe the situation. Maybe she's not the best when it comes to emotional issues, but in what other areas is she helpful? Try to see her as a whole person-perhaps falling short in some areas but strong in others. Explore and investigate her strong areas. This way you can feel she is useful to you in some ways and you won't concentrate so much on how she isn't useful to you in others.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm madly in love with this man I've been dating for 6 months. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want to take it any further but is willing to have a purely physical relationship with me (just sex). I feel like I love this man so much, I'm willing to do it. But is that crazy?
Signed,
Anything for Love
Dear Anything for Love,
It's not crazy, it's just desperate. I certainly understand that you love this man but he doesn't feel the same. Having sex with him isn't going to make him commit to you-in fact, it may actually pull you farther apart. Why? Because if he's getting what he wants, he's less likely to court (or even respect) you. It shows there's some truth to the old expression: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" So no, I would absolutely not agree to this "deal." I'm sorry he doesn't feel the same and I know that's painful. But you can't give in to his needs in the hope that he'll feel closer to you. You're only compromising yourself.
What does it say about this guy that he just wants sex from you? Does that give you any insight into his character? Sometimes we fall in love with the challenge of a man, not the actual person. This man doesn't like a decent man who respects woman. Don't you want someone who cares for you and not just your body?
A lot of times woman are so insecure, they don't realize how valuable they are. You are very special and if you start believing it, other people will as well. You deserve the whole package-love, commitment, and intimacy. Not just sex.
Now kick this guy to the curb.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How can I communicate to my wife that I've changed?
Signed,
A Changed Man
Dear Changed Man,
You don't communicate it to your wife -- you show it to her. You can't speak trust, you can only earn it. So prove it to your wife in whatever way demonstrates the change (e.g., spending less, showing more appreciation for her, not gambling, etc.). And be patient. If she's a smart woman, she'll know she's got to see the change for herself for a bit to actually believe it.
All the best,
Kelli
My sister and I, both in our late 30's, regularly analyze, bemoan, and talk to death the problem that our mom isn't really good at being a supportive mom. We're grateful that our family is healthy, happy, and in the local area, but I wish I could be closer to my mom and be able to go to her in a crisis That is not the case right now, and after learning the hard way, I'm much more likely to rely on my sister, my husband, and my friends for support. As a result, I don't discuss much of importance in my life with my mom, and that makes me sad.
Are there good words I can use to say to my mom? Perhaps: "Look, I'd love it if we had the kind of relationship where I could come to you to talk about the difficulties in my life and be supported." Instead what happens is that she usually says something very short and negative and not helpful: "Why on earth would you do that?" or "Well, all doctors are stupid. I can't believe they did that to you," or "What do you mean? I've never heard you say that before" (after reminding her about bad news) or "I'm so upset about this." And then she inartfully changes the subject, or gets off the phone, or puts my dad on the phone.
I know it's not personal -- she does the same thing to her friends. She says that she "can't stand all that crying." But I do take it personally in the sense that I feel like she is still the mom, even though we're all adults, and it would be nice once in a while if my emotional needs came first. Since I basically don't tell her anything about my life because it's more stressful to deal with her reaction, I do not feel like my emotional needs ever come first.
Since both my sister and I have ample support systems in place, should we give up this fight and stop being disappointed when our mom's reaction to bad news just adds to the stress of the situation?
Signed,
Hoping for a Different Reaction
Dear Hoping for a Different Reaction,
I'm sorry your mom isn't supportive, especially in the way you need. It's understandably frustrating for you. I think fundamentally we all want our moms to be there for us, to give us unconditional love, and to respond positively when we are reaching out. But sometimes that's not the case. And unfortunately, that's your situation. So you need to start taking some action.
First step is to grieve, then accept. It sounds to me that while you know in your rational mind that your your mom isn't the best support, you still can't accept that reality. So give yourself time to grieve over it. Grieve the fact your mom isn't there for you in the way you want her to be. Grieve the fact that you can't tell your mom about your life, and grieve the fact that you need to count on others to fill your emotional needs. Once you finish grieving, then you can start really accepting.
Next step? Utilizing the other supports in your life. The great news is that mentioned you do have a strong support system. Use them. That's what they are there for.
Finally, surrender. That means stop wishing your mom were different. She is who she is. So reframe the situation. Maybe she's not the best when it comes to emotional issues, but in what other areas is she helpful? Try to see her as a whole person-perhaps falling short in some areas but strong in others. Explore and investigate her strong areas. This way you can feel she is useful to you in some ways and you won't concentrate so much on how she isn't useful to you in others.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm madly in love with this man I've been dating for 6 months. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want to take it any further but is willing to have a purely physical relationship with me (just sex). I feel like I love this man so much, I'm willing to do it. But is that crazy?
Signed,
Anything for Love
Dear Anything for Love,
It's not crazy, it's just desperate. I certainly understand that you love this man but he doesn't feel the same. Having sex with him isn't going to make him commit to you-in fact, it may actually pull you farther apart. Why? Because if he's getting what he wants, he's less likely to court (or even respect) you. It shows there's some truth to the old expression: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" So no, I would absolutely not agree to this "deal." I'm sorry he doesn't feel the same and I know that's painful. But you can't give in to his needs in the hope that he'll feel closer to you. You're only compromising yourself.
What does it say about this guy that he just wants sex from you? Does that give you any insight into his character? Sometimes we fall in love with the challenge of a man, not the actual person. This man doesn't like a decent man who respects woman. Don't you want someone who cares for you and not just your body?
A lot of times woman are so insecure, they don't realize how valuable they are. You are very special and if you start believing it, other people will as well. You deserve the whole package-love, commitment, and intimacy. Not just sex.
Now kick this guy to the curb.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How can I communicate to my wife that I've changed?
Signed,
A Changed Man
Dear Changed Man,
You don't communicate it to your wife -- you show it to her. You can't speak trust, you can only earn it. So prove it to your wife in whatever way demonstrates the change (e.g., spending less, showing more appreciation for her, not gambling, etc.). And be patient. If she's a smart woman, she'll know she's got to see the change for herself for a bit to actually believe it.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Ask Kelli: Paying Babysitter, Persistent Friend, & Husband Spending on Frivolous Item
Dear Kelli,
I tell my babysitter to come at 3:30 pm on Mondays and Wednesdays. She usually comes around 3:05 pm and then gets right to work. Do I have to pay her for the time she comes early? She usually helps immediately when she arrives but I really don't need her to start until 3:30 pm (although I certainly don't mind the extra help!) I've made it clear that she doesn't need to be at my house until 3:30 pm, so she is definitely aware.
Signed,
Should I Pay?
Dear Should I Pay,
No. I think you're okay just paying her for the time you told her to be there. It's her decision to come early, especially since you made the start time clear. If she wants to "volunteer" for those extra 25 minutes she is most certainly entitled to!
What would be nice, however, is to give her a generous holiday bonus to show your appreciation at the end of this year.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend whom I adore. We used to work together about four years ago. Well, she started her own company now is actually doing something very different from what we used to do. I like the idea of what she's doing but am not interested in actually being a part of it. She's invited to work for her on several occasions and keeps persisting. I feel bad and guilty saying no outright, so I keep saying, "Yeah, I'll think about it" or "Perhaps a little later on." But now she keeps bugging me about it, to the point I'm getting really frustrated. What can I do?
Signed,
Don't Want to Join Her Company!
Dear Don't Want to Join Her Company,
Well, you can start by being honest with your friend. Of course she keeps asking you about this opportunity: She thinks you may actually want to be a part of it! So it's time to be upfront and real with her. You can say, "I'm so sorry, Lisa. Although I think what you're doing is awesome, I don't think this is going to work out for me and I'm sorry if I led you in a different direction. I'll definitely let you know if I change my mind, and if you want, I can help you brainstorm other potentials."
Just take this situation as a lesson learned. It's better to be upfront the first time, rather than beating around the bush several times.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My husband is constantly on my case about spending. (Yes, I'm definitely the spender in the family.) Last week, however, he went out and bought an old fixer-upper car. He never spends but I can't help but feel annoyed. Why do we need a fixer-upper car? I'd rather put that money towards clothes or things I've been so careful about not spending our money on! Do I have the right to be mad or should I just let this one go, considering he never really buys anything?
Signed,
Fix This One
Dear Fix This One,
I'd let this one go. Yes, you have a right to feel frustrated. You've probably been watching every penny and here you are seeing your husband spend on what you think is a frivolous purchase.
So I have two things to say about this. First of all, it may seem ridiculous to you, but this car is probably super-exciting to your husband. Just like clothes are cool and exciting to you (and he doesn't get it), this is his favorite splurge. Plus, this actually may be a hobby for him, not just a one-time purchase.
Second, I actually think it's a good thing that he's spending money. First, because it's healthy for everyone to splurge once in awhile and second, because splurging reminds your husband that it's okay to be deserving. This way he can cut you some slack for the future!
So yes, let this one go. But if keeps purchasing and simultaneously telling you to save, then we'll talk.
All the best,
Kelli
I tell my babysitter to come at 3:30 pm on Mondays and Wednesdays. She usually comes around 3:05 pm and then gets right to work. Do I have to pay her for the time she comes early? She usually helps immediately when she arrives but I really don't need her to start until 3:30 pm (although I certainly don't mind the extra help!) I've made it clear that she doesn't need to be at my house until 3:30 pm, so she is definitely aware.
Signed,
Should I Pay?
Dear Should I Pay,
No. I think you're okay just paying her for the time you told her to be there. It's her decision to come early, especially since you made the start time clear. If she wants to "volunteer" for those extra 25 minutes she is most certainly entitled to!
What would be nice, however, is to give her a generous holiday bonus to show your appreciation at the end of this year.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend whom I adore. We used to work together about four years ago. Well, she started her own company now is actually doing something very different from what we used to do. I like the idea of what she's doing but am not interested in actually being a part of it. She's invited to work for her on several occasions and keeps persisting. I feel bad and guilty saying no outright, so I keep saying, "Yeah, I'll think about it" or "Perhaps a little later on." But now she keeps bugging me about it, to the point I'm getting really frustrated. What can I do?
Signed,
Don't Want to Join Her Company!
Dear Don't Want to Join Her Company,
Well, you can start by being honest with your friend. Of course she keeps asking you about this opportunity: She thinks you may actually want to be a part of it! So it's time to be upfront and real with her. You can say, "I'm so sorry, Lisa. Although I think what you're doing is awesome, I don't think this is going to work out for me and I'm sorry if I led you in a different direction. I'll definitely let you know if I change my mind, and if you want, I can help you brainstorm other potentials."
Just take this situation as a lesson learned. It's better to be upfront the first time, rather than beating around the bush several times.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My husband is constantly on my case about spending. (Yes, I'm definitely the spender in the family.) Last week, however, he went out and bought an old fixer-upper car. He never spends but I can't help but feel annoyed. Why do we need a fixer-upper car? I'd rather put that money towards clothes or things I've been so careful about not spending our money on! Do I have the right to be mad or should I just let this one go, considering he never really buys anything?
Signed,
Fix This One
Dear Fix This One,
I'd let this one go. Yes, you have a right to feel frustrated. You've probably been watching every penny and here you are seeing your husband spend on what you think is a frivolous purchase.
So I have two things to say about this. First of all, it may seem ridiculous to you, but this car is probably super-exciting to your husband. Just like clothes are cool and exciting to you (and he doesn't get it), this is his favorite splurge. Plus, this actually may be a hobby for him, not just a one-time purchase.
Second, I actually think it's a good thing that he's spending money. First, because it's healthy for everyone to splurge once in awhile and second, because splurging reminds your husband that it's okay to be deserving. This way he can cut you some slack for the future!
So yes, let this one go. But if keeps purchasing and simultaneously telling you to save, then we'll talk.
All the best,
Kelli
Friday, September 24, 2010
Ask Kelli: Bio Dad Wants Back In, Sex Ed Good Idea, & Email Junkie
Dear Kelli,
The father of my children opted out of the picture many, many years ago. Since then I remarried and my current husband adopted our kids. Now my ex-husband wants to see the kids again. He obviously has no legal rights. But should I still allow him to see them? He's not a bad guy (no drug issues or anything). And my kids do know their current father is not their biological father.
Signed,
One Big Happy Family
Dear One Big Happy Family,
You sound like a compassionate person. I really respect that.
You didn't mention how old your kids are. That's a big factor. So depending on their ages, you could get their opinion on how they feel about seeing their biological dad.
If they are okay with it, I believe the safest bet is to have a get-together every once in awhile with all of you. Your ex, your current husband, you, and the kids. You can do it at a public place, like a park, or if you are comfortable with inviting your ex over, at your house for brunch or a family meal. That way, it's on your turf and you can call the shots.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My daughter's eighth grade class is going to be learning sex education. I'm so nervous about this! Do you think it's a good idea or should I take her out of the program? (She can do an alternate activity.)
Signed,
Proactive Mom
Dear Proactive Mom,
Yes, I absolutely think the program is a good idea. Studies show that children/teens who are informed about sex are less likely to engage in unsafe behavior.
Let me ask me you directly: What are you nervous about? Many parents are nervous that sex education program can "give children ideas" about sex. The reality is that most children/teens already know about sex, and if they don't at this point, the best way to learn is through a proper program and/or their parents, rather than from their friends, who may give them wrong information.
To feel more comfortable you can ask the teachers for an outline of the program. This way you will know exactly what your daughter will be learning. And you can always supplement the program with follow-up talks with their daughter.
My only advice if you choose not to have your daughter participate in the program is to make sure you have your own talks with her. Many parents make the mistake of not talking to their teens (due to the fears I mentioned). This is the last thing you want to do! You can buy many books on the subject on how best to communicate with her.
But again, I think your safest bet is allow her to participate in the program.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I feel like I'm addicted to email. I check it like 100 times a day. I have a cell with email, so I can check it on the go. I feel out of control when I don't get to check it (for example, I have a meeting). What can I do?
Signed,
Email Junkie
Dear Email Junkie,
I highly recommend you speak to a therapist. Not because you want to check your email constantly but because you said you feel out of control. Any time a client tells me they feel out of control, I know we have an issue and not just an annoyance. It almost doesn't matter what the addiction is. To me, this sounds like an anxiety disorder. Although you probably think it's about your email -- the important responses you want to get, the new meeting times, etc. -- it's really about your anxiety. I see your anxiety as the culprit here and it's really just rearing its head through your email obsession. Make sense?
So yes, talk to a therapist. We have to find out what is going on deeper here that is making you so anxious. Anxiety can also mask as depression, so that might be a factor for you, too. You have to ask yourself honestly what is really going on here.
In the meantime, try meditating, deep breathing, exercising, and getting some fresh light and air. I'd also try to set goals for yourself regarding checking your email (for example, this week, I'll check it 80 times, next week 70 times, etc.). I'm confident you can gradually wean yourself off the email in combination with therapy.
All the best,
Kelli
The father of my children opted out of the picture many, many years ago. Since then I remarried and my current husband adopted our kids. Now my ex-husband wants to see the kids again. He obviously has no legal rights. But should I still allow him to see them? He's not a bad guy (no drug issues or anything). And my kids do know their current father is not their biological father.
Signed,
One Big Happy Family
Dear One Big Happy Family,
You sound like a compassionate person. I really respect that.
You didn't mention how old your kids are. That's a big factor. So depending on their ages, you could get their opinion on how they feel about seeing their biological dad.
If they are okay with it, I believe the safest bet is to have a get-together every once in awhile with all of you. Your ex, your current husband, you, and the kids. You can do it at a public place, like a park, or if you are comfortable with inviting your ex over, at your house for brunch or a family meal. That way, it's on your turf and you can call the shots.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My daughter's eighth grade class is going to be learning sex education. I'm so nervous about this! Do you think it's a good idea or should I take her out of the program? (She can do an alternate activity.)
Signed,
Proactive Mom
Dear Proactive Mom,
Yes, I absolutely think the program is a good idea. Studies show that children/teens who are informed about sex are less likely to engage in unsafe behavior.
Let me ask me you directly: What are you nervous about? Many parents are nervous that sex education program can "give children ideas" about sex. The reality is that most children/teens already know about sex, and if they don't at this point, the best way to learn is through a proper program and/or their parents, rather than from their friends, who may give them wrong information.
To feel more comfortable you can ask the teachers for an outline of the program. This way you will know exactly what your daughter will be learning. And you can always supplement the program with follow-up talks with their daughter.
My only advice if you choose not to have your daughter participate in the program is to make sure you have your own talks with her. Many parents make the mistake of not talking to their teens (due to the fears I mentioned). This is the last thing you want to do! You can buy many books on the subject on how best to communicate with her.
But again, I think your safest bet is allow her to participate in the program.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I feel like I'm addicted to email. I check it like 100 times a day. I have a cell with email, so I can check it on the go. I feel out of control when I don't get to check it (for example, I have a meeting). What can I do?
Signed,
Email Junkie
Dear Email Junkie,
I highly recommend you speak to a therapist. Not because you want to check your email constantly but because you said you feel out of control. Any time a client tells me they feel out of control, I know we have an issue and not just an annoyance. It almost doesn't matter what the addiction is. To me, this sounds like an anxiety disorder. Although you probably think it's about your email -- the important responses you want to get, the new meeting times, etc. -- it's really about your anxiety. I see your anxiety as the culprit here and it's really just rearing its head through your email obsession. Make sense?
So yes, talk to a therapist. We have to find out what is going on deeper here that is making you so anxious. Anxiety can also mask as depression, so that might be a factor for you, too. You have to ask yourself honestly what is really going on here.
In the meantime, try meditating, deep breathing, exercising, and getting some fresh light and air. I'd also try to set goals for yourself regarding checking your email (for example, this week, I'll check it 80 times, next week 70 times, etc.). I'm confident you can gradually wean yourself off the email in combination with therapy.
All the best,
Kelli
Ask Kelli: Firing Nanny, Jewish Fasting with Eating Disorder, & Daughter has Anxiety
Dear Kelli,
I need to fire my nanny. I'm so nervous and uncomfortable with any confrontation, let alone this one! My husband is better with this type of thing, but he doesn't have as much contact with the nanny as I do. Plus, I hired her in the first place. Is it wrong to have him to do?
Signed,
Nanny-less
Dear Nanny-less,
I absolutely want to empower YOU to have this confrontation with your nanny. (Now of course if you think there is any reason to believe there might be violence or harm to your children when you do it, absolutely have the police and your husband with you). Otherwise, this is a very good lesson for you about setting boundaries, dealing with uncomfortable confrontation, and being responsible.
Yes, it's hard. And yes, it's easier to have your husband do it. But you're an adult now. I don't mean to sound condescending, but adults have to deal with these situations head on. You have to be a positive role model for your children. If you continue to avoid uncomfortable situations, you will continue to not living in your reality. The reality is that some situations are sticky and crappy, but in order to work through them, you have to talk about it with the person.
It might help to write a list of possible outcomes that can occur when you let your nanny go. Perhaps thinking through the possibilities will make you feel more in control and will help better prepare you for what can happen.
Ask yourself what exactly you are afraid of about confrontation. A lot of my clients I talk who tell me that they don't like confrontation are really "people pleasers." They want everyone to like them and are scared that if they set a boundary with someone, that person will no longer like them. It's actually the opposite. Friends respect other friends who make good choices and respect themselves. You are respecting yourself when you set boundaries. And your nanny is not your friend in the first place; she's your employee and you need her respect, not her flattery or friendship.
I highly encourage you to do this one on your own. But if you are still strongly hesitant to do it alone, maybe you can have your husband in the next room for support.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
Let me first say I have a history of an eating disorder. I am very religious and want to honor Yom Kippur (the Jewish High Holy Day during which one fasts) but I'm nervous that it will mess with my eating issues. I've only been in recovery six months. What do you think?
Signed,
Need An Answer Fast
Dear Need An Answer Fast,
First, congratulations on your recovery with your eating issues. You've made some great strides and it's important to consider how you've made it this far. I'm sure part of that is knowing what your triggers are. And it sounds like fasting on this holiday may be one of them.
In my opinion, it's perfectly okay to honor this tradition without actually fasting. I'm Jewish and I know this holiday is about repenting for your sins. You can partake in all the normal rituals of this day aside from the fasting part. I also know there is a general understanding in the Jewish religion that Jews are excused from fasting if they are pregnant or sick. To me, this falls into the sick category.
Recovery from any addiction is the most important thing, and it needs to be tended to, especially in the first few years. I believe you are wise to take into account how this holiday will affect your disease. I also believe it's better to play it safe and not risk triggering your disease by fasting.
Just to let you know, I know many eating disorder patients who've been in recovery for years and still choose not to fast on Yom Kippur -- so know you won't be alone. Finally, remember that you are still a good person/Jew if you don't fast. It's not about the actual fasting, it's really about remembering the difficulties the Jews encountered and being accountable for your own personal sins.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My 9-year-old daughter and I witnessed a horrific accident two weeks ago. She has had trouble sleeping because of it and is scared we'll also get into an accident. I've tried having her sleep with her older brother, but she still wakes up in the middle of the night afraid. Help!
Signed,
Anxious Daughter
Dear Anxious Daughter,
I believe your first step is validating your daughter's fears. "Yes, it's possible we could get into an accident." Then reassure her it's not likely. "But the chances of it actually happening are very small." Then make her feel a little more in control by asking her, "What can we do to help prevent accidents?" She'll probably suggest putting on seatbelts, driving slowly, etc. Then go further with that and ask her what she can do when she feels nervous and/or can't sleep. You two can create a list together that she can keep by her bed. Some great ideas are:
1) Teaching her to stay in the moment and coming up with a mantra when she is scared. A good one she can repeat over and over again is: "I'm safe and relaxed."
2) Listening to relaxing music
3) Writing thoughts in a journal
4) Coloring in a coloring book
Reassure her that she can get through this. It's a good idea to direct her, but ultimately you want to teach her to sooth herself on her own. Finally, if after a few weeks, she is still having problems and it's affecting her everyday living, I'd highly recommend contacting a therapist.
All the best,
Kelli
I need to fire my nanny. I'm so nervous and uncomfortable with any confrontation, let alone this one! My husband is better with this type of thing, but he doesn't have as much contact with the nanny as I do. Plus, I hired her in the first place. Is it wrong to have him to do?
Signed,
Nanny-less
Dear Nanny-less,
I absolutely want to empower YOU to have this confrontation with your nanny. (Now of course if you think there is any reason to believe there might be violence or harm to your children when you do it, absolutely have the police and your husband with you). Otherwise, this is a very good lesson for you about setting boundaries, dealing with uncomfortable confrontation, and being responsible.
Yes, it's hard. And yes, it's easier to have your husband do it. But you're an adult now. I don't mean to sound condescending, but adults have to deal with these situations head on. You have to be a positive role model for your children. If you continue to avoid uncomfortable situations, you will continue to not living in your reality. The reality is that some situations are sticky and crappy, but in order to work through them, you have to talk about it with the person.
It might help to write a list of possible outcomes that can occur when you let your nanny go. Perhaps thinking through the possibilities will make you feel more in control and will help better prepare you for what can happen.
Ask yourself what exactly you are afraid of about confrontation. A lot of my clients I talk who tell me that they don't like confrontation are really "people pleasers." They want everyone to like them and are scared that if they set a boundary with someone, that person will no longer like them. It's actually the opposite. Friends respect other friends who make good choices and respect themselves. You are respecting yourself when you set boundaries. And your nanny is not your friend in the first place; she's your employee and you need her respect, not her flattery or friendship.
I highly encourage you to do this one on your own. But if you are still strongly hesitant to do it alone, maybe you can have your husband in the next room for support.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
Let me first say I have a history of an eating disorder. I am very religious and want to honor Yom Kippur (the Jewish High Holy Day during which one fasts) but I'm nervous that it will mess with my eating issues. I've only been in recovery six months. What do you think?
Signed,
Need An Answer Fast
Dear Need An Answer Fast,
First, congratulations on your recovery with your eating issues. You've made some great strides and it's important to consider how you've made it this far. I'm sure part of that is knowing what your triggers are. And it sounds like fasting on this holiday may be one of them.
In my opinion, it's perfectly okay to honor this tradition without actually fasting. I'm Jewish and I know this holiday is about repenting for your sins. You can partake in all the normal rituals of this day aside from the fasting part. I also know there is a general understanding in the Jewish religion that Jews are excused from fasting if they are pregnant or sick. To me, this falls into the sick category.
Recovery from any addiction is the most important thing, and it needs to be tended to, especially in the first few years. I believe you are wise to take into account how this holiday will affect your disease. I also believe it's better to play it safe and not risk triggering your disease by fasting.
Just to let you know, I know many eating disorder patients who've been in recovery for years and still choose not to fast on Yom Kippur -- so know you won't be alone. Finally, remember that you are still a good person/Jew if you don't fast. It's not about the actual fasting, it's really about remembering the difficulties the Jews encountered and being accountable for your own personal sins.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My 9-year-old daughter and I witnessed a horrific accident two weeks ago. She has had trouble sleeping because of it and is scared we'll also get into an accident. I've tried having her sleep with her older brother, but she still wakes up in the middle of the night afraid. Help!
Signed,
Anxious Daughter
Dear Anxious Daughter,
I believe your first step is validating your daughter's fears. "Yes, it's possible we could get into an accident." Then reassure her it's not likely. "But the chances of it actually happening are very small." Then make her feel a little more in control by asking her, "What can we do to help prevent accidents?" She'll probably suggest putting on seatbelts, driving slowly, etc. Then go further with that and ask her what she can do when she feels nervous and/or can't sleep. You two can create a list together that she can keep by her bed. Some great ideas are:
1) Teaching her to stay in the moment and coming up with a mantra when she is scared. A good one she can repeat over and over again is: "I'm safe and relaxed."
2) Listening to relaxing music
3) Writing thoughts in a journal
4) Coloring in a coloring book
Reassure her that she can get through this. It's a good idea to direct her, but ultimately you want to teach her to sooth herself on her own. Finally, if after a few weeks, she is still having problems and it's affecting her everyday living, I'd highly recommend contacting a therapist.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Ask Kelli: Counseling Program Part II, Friend and Gift, & Child with Anxiety
Dear Kelli,
I wrote to you in July about my desire to go to grad school for an MA in Counseling at a university here in DC.
So I got accepted within a few days in August; it all happened just so fast and smooth. I really see this as a sign from the divine. While the school is very minimalistic and even looks primitive on the outside, the program is very good, in my opinion. After fulfilling 700 hours of my internship, I will be ready to get my license. It is a very rigorous program and very demanding, especially my first course, Research in Education, and I am scared: How am I am going to write all these papers and do the research, since English is not my first language, and the professor for this course basically told us if she sees 1 - 3 grammar mistakes, she automatically grades the paper as "zero," as grad school students are expected to write on the level of the grad student.
So here I am writing to you for some support and input. I guess I need counseling myself before I actually do this program!
Many thanks for your advice!
Signed,
What Next?
Dear What Next?,
First of all, a huge congratulations! I'm happy for your decision and I'm excited for your academic year. I know you'll do wonderful.
Of course you feel overwhelmed: You are looking at your whole entire program, not your first class, or even your first paper! Remember: Take it day by day. Just like it's one project a time, one test at a time, and one paper at a time. Try and stay present as best you can through this year. Anxiety stems from worrying too much about the future. So if you find yourself worrying about how you are going to get it all done, first remind yourself that you are "futurizing" and that you need to concentrate on today more than anything else. Somehow, someway, everything almost always gets done in time.
Some grounding exercises I like are:
1) Physically grounding my feet to the floor. I even take off my shoes and
socks. There is something about literally being reminded to "stay where my feet
are" that keeps me present.
2) Meditating.
3) Deep breathing. Inhaling from a count to 10, then exhaling from a count to
10.
4) Exercising in any form
5) Making a list of my worries, then what I can do about them. For example:
Worry: I won't be able to complete all my papers.
What I can do: Plan ahead, start my research early, work with a friend, meet
with the professor and ask the professor for help, etc.
These lists make me feel more in control.
I hear what you are saying about English not being your first language. But I can always guarantee you will not be the only one in the program! Remember, you were accepted by the university into the program because they had faith and confidence you could complete the program. Have that same faith and you'll do just fine.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who lives cross country. He was kind enough to come to my wedding three months ago. But I actually never received a gift from him. The thing is: It's very unlike him. He's normally super generous. I'm nervous the gift got lost. But what if it didn't and he never actually gave me a gift? I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Advice?
Signed,
Do I Dare Go There?
Dear Do I Dare?,
I'd wait another few months. Some people believe they have a year to give a couple a wedding gift. So maybe he's still sending you something. Try and be patient before you say anything.
Then I do think it's okay to say something. If this is your dear friend, you should have an open and honest relationship. You could say something like, "Mike, I'm so honored you made it to the wedding. But a few of our gifts got lost and I wanted to make sure yours wasn't one of them. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable in any way. If you didn't get us anything, I completely understand and don't feel you need to justify. I just wanted to make sure nothing got lost.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My almost 16 year-old daughter tells me that she worries about a particular issue/aspect and is not comfortable talking to me about it. She says that she is the one who put this negative thought into her head, and that the worry is very irrational and stupid. Deep down in her heart she knows that what she is worried about will not happen, but she has these negative thought/s that she creates, regardless the signals of her instinct.
She says since we create the situations in our lives based on our thoughts -- the power of the mind and positive/negative thinking -- she is now worried that even if she switches from negative thoughts into positive, the events will still end up negative, because she thought about it a lot, or she goes back and forth, switching her thoughts from positive to negative . Then, she says that she now has a habit to worry. When she stops worrying it feels abnormal, but she does not know how to stop. When I tell her may be we can see a therapist so she can talk to someone about it, she says that she is uncomfortable talking to a stranger. No matter what I tell her, how I tell her, she agrees with everything I say but can not change the thought pattern. She also tells me: "When I am happy, I immediately find a negative thought to make myself worry. It is as if I want to hurt myself by thinking negative thoughts." She also tells me that she knows how to stop but she just does not allow herself to stop. She describes it as a little "ball" inside of her that needs to come out, something that she developed.
Is there are anything I can do to help her?
Signed,
Positive Mom
Dear Positive Mom,
I applaud you for wanting to be proactive and help your daughter. The fact that she is opening up to you is a great sign and even if she doesn't tell you exactly what she's worried about, she's still coming to you for help. You're doing good work.
You were spot-on with having her see a therapist. Not seeing her myself, it's hard to know for sure, but your daughter could have an anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. All these are usually beyond a parent's scope and are best treated with a therapist's help. I highly encourage you to try and have her see a therapist who specializes in anxiety or a cognitive behavioral therapist.
I know you tried once to see a therapist and she wasn't so keen on the idea. So perhaps you could try something like this: "Sue, I believe a trained therapist can help you with your negative thoughts. I know you are uncomfortable talking to a stranger, but I'm thinking the negative thoughts you are having are probably MORE uncomfortable. And yes, the first time might be difficult talking to a stranger, but it will get easier each time you meet with her/him. I want you to feel better and I know this could be a solution. How about we just try it for a few sessions and you let me know what you think?" You could also empower your daughter by having her included in the decision of choosing a therapist. For example, choosing a male or female therapist, deciding what she thought with an initial phone conversation with him/her, asking your daughter to write down her questions, etc. And I would offer to come with her to the first few sessions, if that would help her to feel more comfortable.
Finally, in addition, you might want to suggest to your daughter some of the grounding exercises I suggested to the first reader.
All the best,
Kelli
I wrote to you in July about my desire to go to grad school for an MA in Counseling at a university here in DC.
So I got accepted within a few days in August; it all happened just so fast and smooth. I really see this as a sign from the divine. While the school is very minimalistic and even looks primitive on the outside, the program is very good, in my opinion. After fulfilling 700 hours of my internship, I will be ready to get my license. It is a very rigorous program and very demanding, especially my first course, Research in Education, and I am scared: How am I am going to write all these papers and do the research, since English is not my first language, and the professor for this course basically told us if she sees 1 - 3 grammar mistakes, she automatically grades the paper as "zero," as grad school students are expected to write on the level of the grad student.
So here I am writing to you for some support and input. I guess I need counseling myself before I actually do this program!
Many thanks for your advice!
Signed,
What Next?
Dear What Next?,
First of all, a huge congratulations! I'm happy for your decision and I'm excited for your academic year. I know you'll do wonderful.
Of course you feel overwhelmed: You are looking at your whole entire program, not your first class, or even your first paper! Remember: Take it day by day. Just like it's one project a time, one test at a time, and one paper at a time. Try and stay present as best you can through this year. Anxiety stems from worrying too much about the future. So if you find yourself worrying about how you are going to get it all done, first remind yourself that you are "futurizing" and that you need to concentrate on today more than anything else. Somehow, someway, everything almost always gets done in time.
Some grounding exercises I like are:
1) Physically grounding my feet to the floor. I even take off my shoes and
socks. There is something about literally being reminded to "stay where my feet
are" that keeps me present.
2) Meditating.
3) Deep breathing. Inhaling from a count to 10, then exhaling from a count to
10.
4) Exercising in any form
5) Making a list of my worries, then what I can do about them. For example:
Worry: I won't be able to complete all my papers.
What I can do: Plan ahead, start my research early, work with a friend, meet
with the professor and ask the professor for help, etc.
These lists make me feel more in control.
I hear what you are saying about English not being your first language. But I can always guarantee you will not be the only one in the program! Remember, you were accepted by the university into the program because they had faith and confidence you could complete the program. Have that same faith and you'll do just fine.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who lives cross country. He was kind enough to come to my wedding three months ago. But I actually never received a gift from him. The thing is: It's very unlike him. He's normally super generous. I'm nervous the gift got lost. But what if it didn't and he never actually gave me a gift? I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Advice?
Signed,
Do I Dare Go There?
Dear Do I Dare?,
I'd wait another few months. Some people believe they have a year to give a couple a wedding gift. So maybe he's still sending you something. Try and be patient before you say anything.
Then I do think it's okay to say something. If this is your dear friend, you should have an open and honest relationship. You could say something like, "Mike, I'm so honored you made it to the wedding. But a few of our gifts got lost and I wanted to make sure yours wasn't one of them. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable in any way. If you didn't get us anything, I completely understand and don't feel you need to justify. I just wanted to make sure nothing got lost.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My almost 16 year-old daughter tells me that she worries about a particular issue/aspect and is not comfortable talking to me about it. She says that she is the one who put this negative thought into her head, and that the worry is very irrational and stupid. Deep down in her heart she knows that what she is worried about will not happen, but she has these negative thought/s that she creates, regardless the signals of her instinct.
She says since we create the situations in our lives based on our thoughts -- the power of the mind and positive/negative thinking -- she is now worried that even if she switches from negative thoughts into positive, the events will still end up negative, because she thought about it a lot, or she goes back and forth, switching her thoughts from positive to negative . Then, she says that she now has a habit to worry. When she stops worrying it feels abnormal, but she does not know how to stop. When I tell her may be we can see a therapist so she can talk to someone about it, she says that she is uncomfortable talking to a stranger. No matter what I tell her, how I tell her, she agrees with everything I say but can not change the thought pattern. She also tells me: "When I am happy, I immediately find a negative thought to make myself worry. It is as if I want to hurt myself by thinking negative thoughts." She also tells me that she knows how to stop but she just does not allow herself to stop. She describes it as a little "ball" inside of her that needs to come out, something that she developed.
Is there are anything I can do to help her?
Signed,
Positive Mom
Dear Positive Mom,
I applaud you for wanting to be proactive and help your daughter. The fact that she is opening up to you is a great sign and even if she doesn't tell you exactly what she's worried about, she's still coming to you for help. You're doing good work.
You were spot-on with having her see a therapist. Not seeing her myself, it's hard to know for sure, but your daughter could have an anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. All these are usually beyond a parent's scope and are best treated with a therapist's help. I highly encourage you to try and have her see a therapist who specializes in anxiety or a cognitive behavioral therapist.
I know you tried once to see a therapist and she wasn't so keen on the idea. So perhaps you could try something like this: "Sue, I believe a trained therapist can help you with your negative thoughts. I know you are uncomfortable talking to a stranger, but I'm thinking the negative thoughts you are having are probably MORE uncomfortable. And yes, the first time might be difficult talking to a stranger, but it will get easier each time you meet with her/him. I want you to feel better and I know this could be a solution. How about we just try it for a few sessions and you let me know what you think?" You could also empower your daughter by having her included in the decision of choosing a therapist. For example, choosing a male or female therapist, deciding what she thought with an initial phone conversation with him/her, asking your daughter to write down her questions, etc. And I would offer to come with her to the first few sessions, if that would help her to feel more comfortable.
Finally, in addition, you might want to suggest to your daughter some of the grounding exercises I suggested to the first reader.
All the best,
Kelli
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