Ask Kelli: Dog Attached by Neighbor's Dog, Friend Gone Nuts, & Co-worker's Work Habits

Dear Kelli,
My dog was attacked by a neighbor's dog while I was walking my dog. It was an unprovoked out-of-the blue attack and the resulting injuries have run up an expensive vet bill. I plan to sue my neighbor for the cost of the vet's bill if she doesn't pay, but here's my question: Should I also report the dog to animal control? If I do, they'll investigate, require her to attend classes and add her to a "list." That means that if the dog attacks another dog or another person next time, it could be put to sleep. I don't want that to happen, but I'm also concerned that the dog might hurt another dog again -- or worse, a child.

Signed,
Puppy Pal


Dear Puppy Pal,
I'm sorry about your dog. What happened was scary and you are absolutely right -- dangerous both for other dogs and for children as well. And I also understand your dilemma about this dog being put to sleep if it happens again. I'm a huge animal lover so I hear you loud and clear.

So here is what I'm thinking: Go over to your neighbor's house and have a sit-down. First discuss what happened then hear her point of view. (If you allow her to feel heard she is less likely to be defensive.) Next talk about the vet bill and what she plans to do. After that, explain exactly what you told me: that you don't want to report her dog but are worried about other dogs' and children's safety. Ask her what she would do if the situation was reversed and see if she has any ideas that are appropriate. But if she doesn't have any suitable ideas, tell her you thought about this and you are willing for her to hire a dog trainer specializing in aggression or she and her dog could attend a similar canine class. If the trainer works with the dog for an extended period of time and believes the dog is okay -- and unlikely to harm other dogs and children -- you will not report the attack. Same goes for if the dog attends a class and passes. But your neighbor must show you the receipt and/or allow you to talk directly with the trainer.

In the meantime, please take pictures of the bite and document exactly what happened so you have a record.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I recently went on a camping trip with two other friends and we had a falling-out with one of them who happened to be a friend I've known for over ten years. This ex-friend became very argumentative and borderline dangerous, so after we got back from the one-week trip, we all went our separate ways. A week later he sent both of us a list of expenditures which included the initial hotel and transportation cost, and on top of that the cost of his own camping gear and bikes which he still has. We reimbursed him for the hotel and transportation but refused to pay for his things even though we all used them, because there was no prior agreement or understanding that we would cover those costs. He is relentlessly asking for this reimbursement, but he is unwilling to meet with us to discuss the matter.

In spite of attempts by both of us to reconcile with him, he has threatened to take us to court for $250 each. My lawyers are saying this would be a frivolous lawsuit. My medical friends think he may be having a psychotic breakdown, that he is trying to get attention, and may act out his anger even if we paid him off. We think paying what we do not owe would be giving in to extortion under harassing and intimidating conditions. However, his lack of self control of his latent anger (which I now realize has been probably brewing for quite some time) worries me. My question is: What should I do to minimize escalating his anger, as I do not want to give in to his financial demands?

Signed,
Looking Over My Shoulder


Dear Looking Over My Shoulder,
My question to you is this: In all the ten years of knowing your friend has he ever behaved like this? Did he show any of these "psychotic" traits when you were friendly? (Just trying to understand if this was uncharacteristic of him or he's always been a little off and you just dealt with it.) Usually people with anger issues or mental health issues exhibit these behaviors throughout the relationship and show "red flags."

My advice on how to minimize escalating his anger is to have no more contact with him. I'm tempted to say pay him off just so you don't have to deal with him anymore, but my fear is that your ex-friend has some serious mental health issues. The best way to deal with people like that is to have absolutely no contact with them (so they don't have anything more to grab onto).

If you simply looked at the situation rationally, you paid for your share and just as you said, you didn't have any agreement prior to the trip to pay him for the use of his equipment. Your other friend agrees, so it's really your word and your friend's word against his. I'm not a lawyer but chances of a successful lawsuit on his end are slim. It's doubtful he'd sue anyway. Lawyer bills alone might be the same, if not more, than what the lawsuit would be worth!

As I advised the previous writer, document everything that happened that weekend (and even previous "red flags" you noticed to prove mental health issues).

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I work in a team setting. I'm efficient, responsible, and get my work done without reminders. My teammates are more "relaxed." Things are always done in the 11th hour. I'm going out of my mind! How can I get them to think more like me?

Signed,
The Efficient One


Dear Efficient One,
Here's what's interesting: You didn't say your co-workers don't get things done; you just said things get done at the last minute. So the problem isn't the fact you have inefficient co-workers, it's that you have co-workers who work differently from you. That doesn't mean their work habits are wrong. It just means they have a different work style.

Listen, I'm on your side here. I'm like you: I get my stuff done. Pronto. And sometimes even early. But you just have to respect the fact that other people may take a different approach. Some people work better under pressure. (I know, how?) Others work better with more of a time frame.

You have to do your part, then let it go. In other words, submit your end of the deal (on your own time frame) and let the others submit their part of the project on theirs.

Of course, hold them accountable. ("Okay, John and Rick, I submitted Part A. So, John, you'll do Part B by 12 am, and Rick you'll do Part C by 12 am?")

Even though it's frustrating waiting for your co-workers, try not to let that influence your own work habits. I'm sure people respect your work ethic even if you've heard no comments on it outright. So continue to do good work and you can never be faulted.

Good luck,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Munipulative Friend, Co-worker clothes, Compliments

Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who did something horrible: She wanted a baby and essentially tricked the guy she was dating by saying she was on the pill when she wasn't. She's now six months pregnant and ecstatic. the problem is that I've lost respect for her. While I understand her longing for a child, I don't believe in how she went about it. Worse yet, the man she is dating told her upfront when they first started dating that he never wanted kids! Do I say something? Do I just not be friends with her?

Signed,
To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend?


Dear To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend,
Before you make any judgments I'd make absolutely sure you know exactly what happened. I just wouldn't want you to make your decision based on false information.

Assuming the information is absolutely correct, you have to ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who is capable of tricking a man she is dating into having a baby. I completely understand why you'd lose respect for someone like that. A person who'd do something like that is manipulative, selfish, and has shown a horrible disrespect for another person's wishes. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. Her actions would frighten me.

Still, I think you're past the point of saying something helpful about the situation. She's already six months pregnant, and you've seen what she is capable of. I would slowly exit the relationship. If she asks why, it's okay to be honest with her. Perhaps her wanting a baby overshadowed everything else, and you can mention that. The problem I have is with the man she is dating. It's not fair that this man is now a father because your friend wanted a baby. So you can point out how it's one thing to choose to change one's own life, but quite another to force her partner to change his life drastically as well. It should have been a decision they came to together, not something forced on him by her deceit. You can tell her that her actions have caused you to question her integrity and that has damaged your friendship.

Good luck,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
How do you tell a co-worker that what she is wearing is completely unflattering and downright unattractive?

Signed,
Want to Help


Dear Want to Help,
Urgh, I feel for you. You have good intentions and you just want to help this poor person look nice. But with co-workers, I believe it's more complicated than it is with a friend or family. You have a job in common and you don't want to say things that would jeopardize your working relationship, and/or your job for that matter. So I would just keep your mouth (and eyes) closed. I just don't think it's worth it. You never know how this person will react.

Now if this person asks you for your opinion, well, that's a different story. I wouldn't say something negative about what the co-worker is currently wearing but maybe point out what would look nice. For example, you can say something delicate like, "You know you have a great neckline (arms, etc.) and I think this particular style would be very flattering on you."

All the best,
Kelli

Dear Kelli,
What is the best compliment you can give to someone?
Signed,
Want to Be Nice


Dear Want to Be Nice,
The best compliment, in my opinion, is one that is the most genuine. So if you really admire someone's intelligence, that would work. Or someone's artistic ability -- talk about that. Whatever you focus on, you should speak from the heart and let the person know how you feel. Although any compliment is great, one that is really personal feels the warmest to me!

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Open Marriage, New Hobby, & Argument with Friends

Dear Kelli,
I'll been married seven years this September. Recently my wife confronted me and asked if we could have an open marriage. I was completely dumbfounded and confused. I said I wasn't comfortable with it and now she feels I'm being inflexible and "too conventional." Am I wrong to want to keep my wife to myself?

Signed,
Too Committed?


Dear Too Committed?,
You are absolutely not wrong to keep your wife to yourself. Seven years ago you both made vows to be exclusive with one another (and no one else!). I don't believe it's fair for your wife to call you inflexible or even too conventional when you both agreed to the institution of marriage. Just because she changed her mind doesn't make it wrong of you to still feel the way you do.

I believe there is a way to honor your wife's feelings, however, without resorting to an open marriage. It's not uncommon for couples to get bored sexually, but it's often something that can be remedied with a little creativity. I would tell your wife that although you aren't open to the idea of an open marriage that you'd be more than willing to fulfill her fantasies by yourself. For example, if she feels the need to be with someone else, perhaps you can pretend to be "someone else." Often times couples will go to a club separately, pretend to not know one another, then meet for the "first" time. If your acting's on par, this can be just as exciting as actually meeting someone new! You may enjoy it as well.

The main key to all this is really figuring out why your wife feels the way she does, particularly now. It may just be that you haven't been as attentive and she's missing that intimacy. Or she's unfulfilled in another area of her life and projecting that frustration out on your sex life. Or, as I mentioned above, she may just be bored and need some excitement from you. You'll only know the answers if you have a deep discussion with her about it. If you do talk and feel like you aren't making headway, I'd highly recommend a sex therapist.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I feel like I need something more fulfilling in my life. My therapist suggested I get a hobby. This sounds stupid but I honestly can't think of one. Do you have any ideas?

Signed,
Hobby-less


Dear Hobby-less,
I'm going to give you my suggestions but first I want to teach you how to fish. Here are a few of my favorite ways to gauge what interests you:

1) Write down the magazines you like. Magazines are a great way to gauge what we are interested in. Are you reading mostly health magazines? Fashion? Popular Science? From there you can always choose classes or activities that are in line with what you like to read about.

2) Find local classes through your community. You can always take classes (degree or non-degree seeking) at your local college. Ask for their latest schedule and it might spark some ideas for things you want to try.

3) Think about where you are really talented. Are you exceptionally artistic? Musical? Maybe you want to hone the skills you are already good at and choose to excel in those even more.

4) Think about what challenges you. So take the opposite approach here. Improve what you need help in. Never good at math? Maybe it would be good to take a numbers course. Can't draw a straight line? It would be great to take a basics art class then.

5) Ask around to see what classes others have enjoyed. Do any of them sound interesting to you? Ignite any interest? I've also created a few ideas below of things to do or places to go in order for you to explore things you love. If any of these don't float your boat or tickle your pickle, think hard about what does. Look, we all have interests; we just have to find them!

And just in case here is a list of random activities:

Acting
Book Clubs
Boxing
Brewing Beer
Calligraphy
Computers
Cooking
Dancing
Exploring a New Religion
Gardening
Gym Classes
Hangliding
Hiking
Jewelry Making
Karaoke
Learning a Language
Magic
Martial Arts
Papier-mache craft
Psychology Class
Rescuing Abused/Abandoned Animals
Rock Climbing
Scrabble Tournaments
Scrapbooking
Sewing
Singing
Skiing (snow or water)
Studying Business
Swimming
Yoga


Dear Kelli,
My friend and I got into the discussion of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. I breastfed my child, she formula fed. I'm not judgmental of her decision but when she said to me "Formula is just as good as breast milk. I've read studies," I got annoyed because I know that's not true. Was it wrong of me to say "That's not true."? Now things are awkward.

Signed,
Getting the Milk for Free


Dear Getting the Milk for Free,
The way a mother feeds their infant can be a very touchy subject. (Actually the way a mother does anything to their kid can be a touchy subject). I believe the main reason for this is that most mothers are very vulnerable. Some are scared of being judged, some want to be Supermom, and some feel insecure with their decision, so they state facts or reasons ("I've read studies" or "But my pediatrician says...")

All or any of this could be the case with your friend. I don't know. What I do know is what you said to your friend wasn't out of line. It sounds like you weren't picking a fight with her, just disagreeing with her. That's perfectly okay. To me, true friendship consists of honesty (and sometimes a healthy dose of debate).

I'd reiterate this all to your friend. Tell her you love her -- 2 percent or
skim. It doesn't matter. You enjoy her company, her kids, and her friendship.

There's no need to get into a further discussion on the topic (or bring pamphlets stating your point). If she brings it up again, just say, "You know, I'd rather not get into it" and move on. You're entitled to feel the way you do, as does she. Even if you are right, she may not be willing to look at the truth at this point.

Just know this probably won't be the first of last time you get into another mothering discussion, with this friend or someone else. Again, that's okay. I think the key is not letting yourself feel worked up and out of control. A good practice is actually stating the other person's point of view, so they feel heard (and vice-versa). If you don't feel heard you can always say, "Stacy, I'm not sure you're understanding my point. What do you think I'm trying to say?" What helps me is to remind myself not everyone is going to agree with me no matter how hard I try!

All the best,
Kelli