Ask Kelli: Boyfriend or Friend, Acting in LA, & Boyfriend and Best Friend Going Out?

Dear Kelli,
A few months ago I wrote to you seeking advice about how to handle a possible date that was slow in letting me know whether we should begin a "relationship". Well, it turned out that after almost three months of only wanting to go out alone with me I got tired of being monopolized and isolated from all my other friends. So, recently tried to include him in social activities but he refused as he wanted to "spend time with me alone in case our friendship turned out into a relationship". I told him I was surprised that he was even considering a relationship with me since all we did was go to restaurants or a show and that he never showed any romantic sign (e.g flowers, holding hands, a card, a compliment) that would differentiate this from a
regular friendship. He got so upset that he broke off our friendship and walked away for good. I am just puzzled about this, as it seems like the trend is that if a new friendship does not turn out into a "relationship" then there cannot be a friendship altogether between a man and a woman. It sounds a little pretentious and disappointing because while I never tried to mislead him into any particular expectations it seems like I may have lost a friend altogether -- or maybe not?

Signed,
Puzzled by Extremes


Dear Puzzled by Extremes,
Forget this man, I'm puzzled by how YOU feel! So my first question to you is: Do you want a friendship or a romantic relationship with this man? If it's a friendship, I'd explain that to him and apologize for the misunderstanding. If it's a romantic relationship, I'd actually sit back and do nothing. It sounds like this man isn't sure what he wants either and I'd give him time to figure that out on his own. If he decides he wants to be with you romantically, you'll know because he'll come back. If he doesn't come back, you'll also know. Catch my drift?

But don't under any circumstances feel badly about what you said. You had a right to ask where you were in the relationship. You gave it enough time, and it's better you know now where you stand than waiting another three months. I'm proud of you for asking. And don't fret. If this man isn't it, I know you'll find someone who is.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm 22, single, no children, etc. and I work a normal 9 to 6 job now. Is it great? No, but it pays the bills. But I can't help but think there is something missing. I've always wanted to go to LA to pursue acting. Is that crazy to just up and leave? I know I'd have to get another day job but I think I'm ready for another adventure. What do you think?

Signed,
Actress/Waitress


Dear Actress/Waitress,
I'm all for people changing up their lives especially when they have no one to be accountable to (i.e. spouse, children, etc.) So if anytime is the time, this is it! I think it's great you want to branch out and follow your dreams. With that being said, however, I am a therapist and want to point out the reality end of it too. So first let me ask: How long have you wanted to pursue this dream? If it's just a few months, you might want to wait it out a little to make sure it's still something you really want to do years from now. When things get monotonous it's easy to want to up and leave for a "geographic cure." So I would give yourself enough time to really make sure it's something you really want. After all, it's a big investment. Second, have you ever acted before? You might want to try the acting scene here in the DC area first to see how you like it. You can check out: http://www.actorscenter.org/ Or you can always take a class while your packing up to get your feet wet. With acting, it's a lot about your credits/roles. So acting here won't "waste" anything. In fact, it can help open up more doors to you for the future. Finally, I'm glad you
mentioned you'll have to get a day job if you decide to move to LA. Acting is a hard business to break into you, so you must be prepared for very little money and a lot of rejection. I don't mean to be harsh but very few actors make a good living from acting. But don't let that discourage you, I just think it helps to know all this beforehand. Here's a great book on breaking into acting in LA: Acting Is Everything: An Actor's Guidebook for a Successful Career in Los Angeles, by Judy Kerr.

Break a leg,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I caught my boyfriend out with my best friend last night at a night club. Neither one told me, I found out because I saw a picture of them on Facebook. I confronted them and they both said they're sorry. Should I end it with both of them?

Signed,
Stupid Girlfriend?


Dear Stupid Girlfriend,
I wouldn't call your boyfriend your "boyfriend" nor your best friend your "best friend". In other words, neither one deserves their title because they're certainly not acting like a boyfriend or a best friend would. Something shady is going on and you're smart to end it with both now. A boyfriend is faithful and loving to you--not your best friend. A best friend is loyal to you--not your boyfriend. In fact, they really have no reason at all to be talking to one another without you.

This is a great lesson in learning what you deserve and how to choose better friends and boyfriends. You have the right to choose people who will respect you. So the next time, don't jump so quick into making these decisions. Take some time to see if the people you surround yourself with are really trustworthy and devoted.

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Vegan Gift, Movie Ratings, & Mellow Music

Dear Kelli,
I have a friend who is a vegan. It's her birthday next Saturday. Any ideas? She's not the typical crunchy vegan. She's actually quite fashionable and loves bags, shoes, and clothes (animal-free, of course).

Signed,
Vegan Fashionista


Dear Vegan Fashionista,
Here's a website www.fashion-conscience.com that has fabulous for vegan clothes and accessories.

I also really like www.mooshoes.com and www.olsenhaus.com for their stylish options in shoes.

Finally, www.alternativeoutfitters.com has a nice selection and lots on sale right now!

All the Best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
How do you know if a movie is appropriate for a young kid? I'm not sure I trust the whole G, PG, R rating system. I guess I feel lost. Some parents on my block let their kids watch anything and others shield them from everything! I feel like I'm somewhat in the middle but need some sort-of guideline.

Signed,
Two Thumbs Confused


Dear Two Thumbs Confused,
The best guideline is a combination of A) how comfortable you feel and B) how mature or sensitive your child is based on his age. So let's start with you. I'd recommend gauging the particular movie you are questioning beforehand. A fantastic site is www.commonsensemedia.org . Not only can you learn more about a particular movie's plot line but you can determine things such as if a movie is scary, violent, or inappropriate for a certain age group.

Now let's talk about your child. Is he/she mature for their age? Is he/she more of a sensitive kid? Does he/she spook easily? These are all questions that will make a difference in your decision. For example, some kids I know find G-rated films frightening while others can tolerate R-rated movies no problem. So tune in to your kids feelings to make a sound decision.

If you've done your research and you feel a movie is appropriate for your child then give it a go. If there is any hesitation, however, I'd wait. Your child can always see that particular movie later on when he/she is older. Finally, you can always "test" a G or PG movie with your child to see how he/she reacts.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I'm so stressed out. I'm seeing a therapist to work through my issues but wanted to know if you could recommend any relaxing music in the meantime.

Signed,
Needing Some Gentle Tunes


Dear Needing Some Gentle Tunes,
Good for you for working through your issues! In the meantime, these CD's will hopefully mellow you out:

1) Reiki Healing Hands by Anuvida and Nik Tyndall
2) Nil Chi Spirit by Mockingbird
3) Nature Sounds Lullaby: Ocean, Thunderstorms, and Relaxing Healing Music

I also really like Lifescapesmusic relaxing section. See here:
www.lifescapesmusic.com/SearchResult.aspx?CategoryID=13&sid=bb327f3e-005a-4545-8\
a57-a617bbd1abf5

All the best,
Kelli

Ask Kelli: Bachelor Party Ideas, Shower Gift, & Saying No to Events

Dear Kelli,
My brother is getting married and I want to do a bachelor's party for him that is polite, respectable and involves neither stripping nor booze. Any ideas?

Also, he's having a beach wedding, what outfit do you recommend for these type of things?

Signed,
Brother of the Bridegroom


Dear Brother of the Bridegroom,
Gosh, your brother's wife must be happy! Sounds like a good guy. Sure, I've thought of a few things:

1) Attend a sporting event
2) Go camping
3) Organize a poker night
4) Perform a ropes course
5) Go boating
6) Play golf
7) Go go-karting
8) Challenge each other in whirly ball
9) Play paint ball
10) Attend a murder mystery dinner

As far as the outfit, check what the invitation says. (Although doubtful for a beach wedding) if it says "Black Tie" you need to wear a tux. If it says "Black Tie Optional" or "Formal" you can wear a tux but a suit is fine. If it says "Business Casual" you can wear something like khakis and a button-down. If it says "Casual" you can basically wear whatever you feel comfortable in (jeans,t-shirt, etc.) If the invitation says nothing, I'd go with khakis and a button down. It's better to be a little overdressed than underdressed, in my opinion. And of course you can always ask your brother what to do!

Best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I've having some money issues and in a bind. My good friend's baby shower is approaching. Is it tacky to make her a painting for the child's room in lieu of a gift?

Signed,
Want to Be Sure


Dear Want to Be Sure,
I think not only is this absolutely not tacky but it's actually quite lovely. It's a gift from your heart! It shows creativity and thoughtfulness. I'd be honored if someone did that for my baby shower.

All the best,
Kelli


Dear Kelli,
I feel like I'm asked to go to all these events I really don't want to attend. What is the best way to tell people I can't make it? I don't want to lie but I don't want to be rude either.

Signed,
Don't Want to Go


Dear Don't Want to Go,
It's simple and truthful: "I'm so sorry I can't make it." That's it. People who have a hard time saying no (often called "people pleasers") always assume you have to give your life story why you can't make events. ("Well, I have to first clean my room and then my cousin Suzy is coming into town and we have to make a fruit salad, then walk our poodle Betty, yada, yada.") Most likely people won't even press you for a why. If they do, however, you can say, "My life is just too hectic right now. But thank you for the invite."

Good luck,
Kelli