Dear Kelli,
I've gained some weight over the past year, around 30 pounds. I understand it's noticeable but why do people -- my relatives in particular -- keep saying things to me about it? It's so uncomfortable and shameful. I honestly don't know what to do about the comments. Do I acknowledge them? Ignore them? Not go to any more holiday functions?
Signed,
Self-Conscious about My Weight
Dear Self-Conscious,
You have every right to feel upset about your relatives' comments. It is hurtful when someone makes a comment about you, but especially hard when it's already something you feel self-conscious about!
Try not to make too much of your relatives' comments. If you dyed your hair green, your relatives would notice and would probably say something. So you have to be honest with yourself and realize you do look different. Most likely your relatives are acknowledging your new look, but no matter what, realize they still love you. Weight is definitely a sensitive issue and some people don't realize that even neutral observations like, "You've gained weight" can be construed as negative and hurtful.
You can't change people nor control what they say but you can control your attitude about it. So in the future, you have a few options. First, you can acknowledge the comments and move on. "Yes, I know. I've gained some weight. But tell me about you. How have you been?" Second, you can let people know that you consider the topic off-limits. "You know, that's a sore subject at the moment. It's not something you can ask me about. But I'd love for you to ask me about the new promotion I got at work (or ask my opinion about the hot new movie I just saw)." Third, make a joke about it. "Yup, gained some weight. But hey, I still have a great personality."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm not into movies, TV, radio, but maybe just a little bit of the internet. What I really like are books. I know I'm not the norm, but how do I fit in with mainstream when everyone else is about texting, twittering, watching movies, and TV?
Signed,
More of a Bookworm
Dear Bookworm,
Don't try to fit in: Be proud of who you are. So why not create circles around what you're interested in? It sounds like a book club would be right up your alley. Or see if your local library has some new events. There is also a National Book Festival in DC held once a year that you might really enjoy. Click here for all the information.
It's okay you are different than the norm. People love you as you are, not as
someone who wants to fit in.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm engaged and getting married in a year. The issue is that I'm not sure this is the man for me. I know, it sounds crazy considering that I'm engaged. But I think I'm worried I won't find anyone else. You've seen the dating pool in this area! My guy definitely has some great qualities but there is also a lot we need to work on. I don't think he treats me as well as I deserve. Do I go through with it? Or is this just a typical case of cold feet?
Signed,
Ghost Bride
Dear Ghost Bride,
Whoa! Slow down. There is a lot going on here and I definitely wouldn't dismiss it as "cold feet." The first thing that caught my attention was "I'm not sure this is the man for me." Women have amazing intuition. I believe your body is trying to tell you something. If this was really the man for you, you wouldn't have this type of doubt. Second, you mentioned you are worried you won't find anyone else. That is absolutely not a reason to get married. I understand you're fearful you won't find someone else but getting married to the wrong person will create other worries that will be a whole lot worse! Third, you said he doesn't treat you right. Forget marriage: Why on earth would you even date a guy who isn't treating you the way you deserve? Marriage isn't going to change how your man treats you; if you keep in mind that people are usually on their best behavior while dating. I highly encourage you not to go through with this
marriage. If you are really adamant, however, I would strongly suggest seeking couples counseling.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
People Don't Like You, Regifting, & Langauge Confusion
Dear Kelli,
I don't know if I'm crazy or not but it seems that everyone ignores me. I walk into a room, they walk out. I talk, they interrupt, or end the conversation. Is it possible people don't like me?
Signed,
Ignored and Hurt
Dear Ignored and Hurt,
Is it possible some people don't like you? Yes. Not everyone likes everyone. But is it also possible you might be too close to the situation to look at it objectively?
It's hard to help you without knowing more details. So let me give you some questions to ponder: Are these people you feel ignored by in one particular place (such as work)? Are you talking to people when it's a difficult time (such as during deadlines, in the bathroom, etc.)?
I'd like you to look deeper at this issue. Because it might not be about everyone else. It might be about you—and what you are imagining. If that's the case, you need to start thinking more positively about yourself. Let me ask you: If you really were okay with you, would you be as concerned if someone didn't like you? No, because you'd know you're great, right? So again, if the issue is about you and how you value yourself, I'd concentrate on improving your self-esteem. You can start with some affirmations ("I'm great the way I am"), writing a list of what you like about yourself, and/or volunteering. Or you can read some of my past blogs for more tips.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli
Thoughts on re-gifting?
Signed,
`Tis the Season to Re-gift?
Dear `Tis the Season to Re-gift?
I'm actually okay with re-gifting. Now before you start pulling out sweaters from 1970, let me clarify. If the gift is in good condition and relatively recent, I think it's fine. If you think that person would appreciate it more than you would, go for it. You know the saying: One person's junk is another's treasure. Just be careful not to re-gift an old friend's gift back to the same friend.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I love my babysitter but her English is horrendous. She's from another country and I'm just not sure she's understanding me or is getting what I need from her. Here's the kicker, though: She's great with my son. He hasn't connected with anyone else like that since he met her. Do I hire someone else to ease my anxiety about her understanding what I need? Or do I keep her because she's great with my son?
Signed,
Language of Confusion
Dear Language of Confusion,
I totally hear you on both fronts. On the one hand, you want to feel secure that she's understanding what you need from you or your son. On the other hand, she's great with your son and that's not always easy to find.
I have a few thoughts. If you don't know her native language, find it out. What if you translate the more important things (i.e. "Here are the emergency numbers," "Feed my son at this time," etc.) in her language? You can find a free translator company online. You can also print your needs for that day from the free translator. (Now this is assuming it's a widely spoken language. For an uncommon language you may have to pay for a translation system online or find someone to help you.)
Repeat what you say in a different way: "Dinner is at 5 pm. 5 pm is dinner." The babysitter may understand one version better than the other.
Additionally, ask her to repeat back to you. "Anna, what time was dinner?" to see if she understands.
Start interviewing other people and see how your son reacts to them. You may find he attaches himself just as easily to someone else. And you can have both: a babysitter who you're sure understands you well and connects well with your son.
I'm not sure how long you've had your sitter but I'd give it a few weeks and see how you feel. If you feel that the situation isn't improving with the suggestions I've made and you're still feeling uncomfortable, I'd try and find someone else.
Good luck,
Kelli
I don't know if I'm crazy or not but it seems that everyone ignores me. I walk into a room, they walk out. I talk, they interrupt, or end the conversation. Is it possible people don't like me?
Signed,
Ignored and Hurt
Dear Ignored and Hurt,
Is it possible some people don't like you? Yes. Not everyone likes everyone. But is it also possible you might be too close to the situation to look at it objectively?
It's hard to help you without knowing more details. So let me give you some questions to ponder: Are these people you feel ignored by in one particular place (such as work)? Are you talking to people when it's a difficult time (such as during deadlines, in the bathroom, etc.)?
I'd like you to look deeper at this issue. Because it might not be about everyone else. It might be about you—and what you are imagining. If that's the case, you need to start thinking more positively about yourself. Let me ask you: If you really were okay with you, would you be as concerned if someone didn't like you? No, because you'd know you're great, right? So again, if the issue is about you and how you value yourself, I'd concentrate on improving your self-esteem. You can start with some affirmations ("I'm great the way I am"), writing a list of what you like about yourself, and/or volunteering. Or you can read some of my past blogs for more tips.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli
Thoughts on re-gifting?
Signed,
`Tis the Season to Re-gift?
Dear `Tis the Season to Re-gift?
I'm actually okay with re-gifting. Now before you start pulling out sweaters from 1970, let me clarify. If the gift is in good condition and relatively recent, I think it's fine. If you think that person would appreciate it more than you would, go for it. You know the saying: One person's junk is another's treasure. Just be careful not to re-gift an old friend's gift back to the same friend.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I love my babysitter but her English is horrendous. She's from another country and I'm just not sure she's understanding me or is getting what I need from her. Here's the kicker, though: She's great with my son. He hasn't connected with anyone else like that since he met her. Do I hire someone else to ease my anxiety about her understanding what I need? Or do I keep her because she's great with my son?
Signed,
Language of Confusion
Dear Language of Confusion,
I totally hear you on both fronts. On the one hand, you want to feel secure that she's understanding what you need from you or your son. On the other hand, she's great with your son and that's not always easy to find.
I have a few thoughts. If you don't know her native language, find it out. What if you translate the more important things (i.e. "Here are the emergency numbers," "Feed my son at this time," etc.) in her language? You can find a free translator company online. You can also print your needs for that day from the free translator. (Now this is assuming it's a widely spoken language. For an uncommon language you may have to pay for a translation system online or find someone to help you.)
Repeat what you say in a different way: "Dinner is at 5 pm. 5 pm is dinner." The babysitter may understand one version better than the other.
Additionally, ask her to repeat back to you. "Anna, what time was dinner?" to see if she understands.
Start interviewing other people and see how your son reacts to them. You may find he attaches himself just as easily to someone else. And you can have both: a babysitter who you're sure understands you well and connects well with your son.
I'm not sure how long you've had your sitter but I'd give it a few weeks and see how you feel. If you feel that the situation isn't improving with the suggestions I've made and you're still feeling uncomfortable, I'd try and find someone else.
Good luck,
Kelli
Monday, December 6, 2010
Ask Kelli: SAD, Sick of Being Single, Hate Taking Pictures
Dear Kelli,
It seems that every time winter comes, I feel down. I know about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and I may have it. I do plan to check this out with my doctor but in the meantime, what practical things can I do?
Signed,
SAD
Dear SAD,
For those who don't know, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a form of depression that occurs in relation to the seasons, most commonly beginning in winter. The symptoms include:
* Afternoon slumps with decreased energy and concentration
* Carbohydrate cravings
* Decreased interest in work or other activities
* Depression that starts in fall or winter
* Increased appetite with weight gain
* Increased sleep and excessive daytime sleepiness
* Lack of energy
* Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
* Social withdrawal
Some practical tips to help anyone (with or without SAD) in the winter are:
1) Go outside. Yes, it's cold and you'll freeze your tush off but you can layer up. The natural sunlight is great for hormone regulation and producing endorphins. If you do have SAD a doctor may prescribe a light box, which mimics the sun's rays.
2) Exercise. Yes, you've heard it from me before. Now go do it!
3) Enjoy the season. That means for winter, take advantage of skiing, sledging, snow-shoeing, etc.
4) Have a seasonal ritual. For example, in fall rake leaves with your loved ones. In the winter, make hot cocoa from scratch or rent a few movies every Saturday and build a fire.
5) Write down what you do like about winter. The sales? Comfort foods like hot soups or mac-and-cheese? House decorations? A brighter perspective on the season may make it more bearable for you.
6) Be your own Ansel Adams. That means take advantage of winter's beauty and start snapping photos. Could be a great new hobby.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm single and absolutely sick of of dating. No more bars. I'm done. Is there hope for me?
Signed,
Singled Out
Dear Singled Out,
So my first question is: Are you only pursuing dates only one way? (i.e., bars?). Is it time to explore in different areas? Online dating? Sports clubs? Set ups? The point is to try new ways because the way your approaching it isn't working. So I encourage you to get out of your comfort zone and do something different when it comes to dating.
If you can't even fathom a different way of dating at this point, maybe give it a rest for a while. That's okay to take a break if you need one. Everyone needs a time-out and a month or two can do wonders.
Finally, sometimes it helps if you surrender the situation. Just say to yourself, "It's okay I haven't found someone at this point. I know when the time is right it will happen for me. In the meantime, maybe someone is trying to tell me I need time to learn more about what I want in life."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
This sounds silly but I hate having photographs taken of me. I mean, hate it. Now that the holidays are coming I know it's more time for "photo ops." Is there anyway I can get out of it?
Signed,
Picture Not Perfect
Dear Picture Not Perfect,
I validate your dislike of having your picture taken. You're not alone. These are my thoughts: First, tell your subjects beforehand. You can say something like, "Sandy, I'm so excited to come to dinner. Thanks again for having me. I have to tell you, I'm really uncomfortable with having my picture taken. I know it sounds silly. Is there any one I can bow out of this one this year?" If you don't feel bold enough to voice your concerns, my second suggestion is to offer to take the pictures at the events.
Now, I don't want to sound all therapist-y but you might want to explore why you hate being in pictures so much. Is it low self-esteem? Body dysmorphia? Just something you might want to explore, rather than avoid.
All the best,
Kelli
It seems that every time winter comes, I feel down. I know about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and I may have it. I do plan to check this out with my doctor but in the meantime, what practical things can I do?
Signed,
SAD
Dear SAD,
For those who don't know, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a form of depression that occurs in relation to the seasons, most commonly beginning in winter. The symptoms include:
* Afternoon slumps with decreased energy and concentration
* Carbohydrate cravings
* Decreased interest in work or other activities
* Depression that starts in fall or winter
* Increased appetite with weight gain
* Increased sleep and excessive daytime sleepiness
* Lack of energy
* Slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
* Social withdrawal
Some practical tips to help anyone (with or without SAD) in the winter are:
1) Go outside. Yes, it's cold and you'll freeze your tush off but you can layer up. The natural sunlight is great for hormone regulation and producing endorphins. If you do have SAD a doctor may prescribe a light box, which mimics the sun's rays.
2) Exercise. Yes, you've heard it from me before. Now go do it!
3) Enjoy the season. That means for winter, take advantage of skiing, sledging, snow-shoeing, etc.
4) Have a seasonal ritual. For example, in fall rake leaves with your loved ones. In the winter, make hot cocoa from scratch or rent a few movies every Saturday and build a fire.
5) Write down what you do like about winter. The sales? Comfort foods like hot soups or mac-and-cheese? House decorations? A brighter perspective on the season may make it more bearable for you.
6) Be your own Ansel Adams. That means take advantage of winter's beauty and start snapping photos. Could be a great new hobby.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm single and absolutely sick of of dating. No more bars. I'm done. Is there hope for me?
Signed,
Singled Out
Dear Singled Out,
So my first question is: Are you only pursuing dates only one way? (i.e., bars?). Is it time to explore in different areas? Online dating? Sports clubs? Set ups? The point is to try new ways because the way your approaching it isn't working. So I encourage you to get out of your comfort zone and do something different when it comes to dating.
If you can't even fathom a different way of dating at this point, maybe give it a rest for a while. That's okay to take a break if you need one. Everyone needs a time-out and a month or two can do wonders.
Finally, sometimes it helps if you surrender the situation. Just say to yourself, "It's okay I haven't found someone at this point. I know when the time is right it will happen for me. In the meantime, maybe someone is trying to tell me I need time to learn more about what I want in life."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
This sounds silly but I hate having photographs taken of me. I mean, hate it. Now that the holidays are coming I know it's more time for "photo ops." Is there anyway I can get out of it?
Signed,
Picture Not Perfect
Dear Picture Not Perfect,
I validate your dislike of having your picture taken. You're not alone. These are my thoughts: First, tell your subjects beforehand. You can say something like, "Sandy, I'm so excited to come to dinner. Thanks again for having me. I have to tell you, I'm really uncomfortable with having my picture taken. I know it sounds silly. Is there any one I can bow out of this one this year?" If you don't feel bold enough to voice your concerns, my second suggestion is to offer to take the pictures at the events.
Now, I don't want to sound all therapist-y but you might want to explore why you hate being in pictures so much. Is it low self-esteem? Body dysmorphia? Just something you might want to explore, rather than avoid.
All the best,
Kelli
Monday, November 29, 2010
Ask Kelli: Dog Attached by Neighbor's Dog, Friend Gone Nuts, & Co-worker's Work Habits
Dear Kelli,
My dog was attacked by a neighbor's dog while I was walking my dog. It was an unprovoked out-of-the blue attack and the resulting injuries have run up an expensive vet bill. I plan to sue my neighbor for the cost of the vet's bill if she doesn't pay, but here's my question: Should I also report the dog to animal control? If I do, they'll investigate, require her to attend classes and add her to a "list." That means that if the dog attacks another dog or another person next time, it could be put to sleep. I don't want that to happen, but I'm also concerned that the dog might hurt another dog again -- or worse, a child.
Signed,
Puppy Pal
Dear Puppy Pal,
I'm sorry about your dog. What happened was scary and you are absolutely right -- dangerous both for other dogs and for children as well. And I also understand your dilemma about this dog being put to sleep if it happens again. I'm a huge animal lover so I hear you loud and clear.
So here is what I'm thinking: Go over to your neighbor's house and have a sit-down. First discuss what happened then hear her point of view. (If you allow her to feel heard she is less likely to be defensive.) Next talk about the vet bill and what she plans to do. After that, explain exactly what you told me: that you don't want to report her dog but are worried about other dogs' and children's safety. Ask her what she would do if the situation was reversed and see if she has any ideas that are appropriate. But if she doesn't have any suitable ideas, tell her you thought about this and you are willing for her to hire a dog trainer specializing in aggression or she and her dog could attend a similar canine class. If the trainer works with the dog for an extended period of time and believes the dog is okay -- and unlikely to harm other dogs and children -- you will not report the attack. Same goes for if the dog attends a class and passes. But your neighbor must show you the receipt and/or allow you to talk directly with the trainer.
In the meantime, please take pictures of the bite and document exactly what happened so you have a record.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I recently went on a camping trip with two other friends and we had a falling-out with one of them who happened to be a friend I've known for over ten years. This ex-friend became very argumentative and borderline dangerous, so after we got back from the one-week trip, we all went our separate ways. A week later he sent both of us a list of expenditures which included the initial hotel and transportation cost, and on top of that the cost of his own camping gear and bikes which he still has. We reimbursed him for the hotel and transportation but refused to pay for his things even though we all used them, because there was no prior agreement or understanding that we would cover those costs. He is relentlessly asking for this reimbursement, but he is unwilling to meet with us to discuss the matter.
In spite of attempts by both of us to reconcile with him, he has threatened to take us to court for $250 each. My lawyers are saying this would be a frivolous lawsuit. My medical friends think he may be having a psychotic breakdown, that he is trying to get attention, and may act out his anger even if we paid him off. We think paying what we do not owe would be giving in to extortion under harassing and intimidating conditions. However, his lack of self control of his latent anger (which I now realize has been probably brewing for quite some time) worries me. My question is: What should I do to minimize escalating his anger, as I do not want to give in to his financial demands?
Signed,
Looking Over My Shoulder
Dear Looking Over My Shoulder,
My question to you is this: In all the ten years of knowing your friend has he ever behaved like this? Did he show any of these "psychotic" traits when you were friendly? (Just trying to understand if this was uncharacteristic of him or he's always been a little off and you just dealt with it.) Usually people with anger issues or mental health issues exhibit these behaviors throughout the relationship and show "red flags."
My advice on how to minimize escalating his anger is to have no more contact with him. I'm tempted to say pay him off just so you don't have to deal with him anymore, but my fear is that your ex-friend has some serious mental health issues. The best way to deal with people like that is to have absolutely no contact with them (so they don't have anything more to grab onto).
If you simply looked at the situation rationally, you paid for your share and just as you said, you didn't have any agreement prior to the trip to pay him for the use of his equipment. Your other friend agrees, so it's really your word and your friend's word against his. I'm not a lawyer but chances of a successful lawsuit on his end are slim. It's doubtful he'd sue anyway. Lawyer bills alone might be the same, if not more, than what the lawsuit would be worth!
As I advised the previous writer, document everything that happened that weekend (and even previous "red flags" you noticed to prove mental health issues).
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I work in a team setting. I'm efficient, responsible, and get my work done without reminders. My teammates are more "relaxed." Things are always done in the 11th hour. I'm going out of my mind! How can I get them to think more like me?
Signed,
The Efficient One
Dear Efficient One,
Here's what's interesting: You didn't say your co-workers don't get things done; you just said things get done at the last minute. So the problem isn't the fact you have inefficient co-workers, it's that you have co-workers who work differently from you. That doesn't mean their work habits are wrong. It just means they have a different work style.
Listen, I'm on your side here. I'm like you: I get my stuff done. Pronto. And sometimes even early. But you just have to respect the fact that other people may take a different approach. Some people work better under pressure. (I know, how?) Others work better with more of a time frame.
You have to do your part, then let it go. In other words, submit your end of the deal (on your own time frame) and let the others submit their part of the project on theirs.
Of course, hold them accountable. ("Okay, John and Rick, I submitted Part A. So, John, you'll do Part B by 12 am, and Rick you'll do Part C by 12 am?")
Even though it's frustrating waiting for your co-workers, try not to let that influence your own work habits. I'm sure people respect your work ethic even if you've heard no comments on it outright. So continue to do good work and you can never be faulted.
Good luck,
Kelli
My dog was attacked by a neighbor's dog while I was walking my dog. It was an unprovoked out-of-the blue attack and the resulting injuries have run up an expensive vet bill. I plan to sue my neighbor for the cost of the vet's bill if she doesn't pay, but here's my question: Should I also report the dog to animal control? If I do, they'll investigate, require her to attend classes and add her to a "list." That means that if the dog attacks another dog or another person next time, it could be put to sleep. I don't want that to happen, but I'm also concerned that the dog might hurt another dog again -- or worse, a child.
Signed,
Puppy Pal
Dear Puppy Pal,
I'm sorry about your dog. What happened was scary and you are absolutely right -- dangerous both for other dogs and for children as well. And I also understand your dilemma about this dog being put to sleep if it happens again. I'm a huge animal lover so I hear you loud and clear.
So here is what I'm thinking: Go over to your neighbor's house and have a sit-down. First discuss what happened then hear her point of view. (If you allow her to feel heard she is less likely to be defensive.) Next talk about the vet bill and what she plans to do. After that, explain exactly what you told me: that you don't want to report her dog but are worried about other dogs' and children's safety. Ask her what she would do if the situation was reversed and see if she has any ideas that are appropriate. But if she doesn't have any suitable ideas, tell her you thought about this and you are willing for her to hire a dog trainer specializing in aggression or she and her dog could attend a similar canine class. If the trainer works with the dog for an extended period of time and believes the dog is okay -- and unlikely to harm other dogs and children -- you will not report the attack. Same goes for if the dog attends a class and passes. But your neighbor must show you the receipt and/or allow you to talk directly with the trainer.
In the meantime, please take pictures of the bite and document exactly what happened so you have a record.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I recently went on a camping trip with two other friends and we had a falling-out with one of them who happened to be a friend I've known for over ten years. This ex-friend became very argumentative and borderline dangerous, so after we got back from the one-week trip, we all went our separate ways. A week later he sent both of us a list of expenditures which included the initial hotel and transportation cost, and on top of that the cost of his own camping gear and bikes which he still has. We reimbursed him for the hotel and transportation but refused to pay for his things even though we all used them, because there was no prior agreement or understanding that we would cover those costs. He is relentlessly asking for this reimbursement, but he is unwilling to meet with us to discuss the matter.
In spite of attempts by both of us to reconcile with him, he has threatened to take us to court for $250 each. My lawyers are saying this would be a frivolous lawsuit. My medical friends think he may be having a psychotic breakdown, that he is trying to get attention, and may act out his anger even if we paid him off. We think paying what we do not owe would be giving in to extortion under harassing and intimidating conditions. However, his lack of self control of his latent anger (which I now realize has been probably brewing for quite some time) worries me. My question is: What should I do to minimize escalating his anger, as I do not want to give in to his financial demands?
Signed,
Looking Over My Shoulder
Dear Looking Over My Shoulder,
My question to you is this: In all the ten years of knowing your friend has he ever behaved like this? Did he show any of these "psychotic" traits when you were friendly? (Just trying to understand if this was uncharacteristic of him or he's always been a little off and you just dealt with it.) Usually people with anger issues or mental health issues exhibit these behaviors throughout the relationship and show "red flags."
My advice on how to minimize escalating his anger is to have no more contact with him. I'm tempted to say pay him off just so you don't have to deal with him anymore, but my fear is that your ex-friend has some serious mental health issues. The best way to deal with people like that is to have absolutely no contact with them (so they don't have anything more to grab onto).
If you simply looked at the situation rationally, you paid for your share and just as you said, you didn't have any agreement prior to the trip to pay him for the use of his equipment. Your other friend agrees, so it's really your word and your friend's word against his. I'm not a lawyer but chances of a successful lawsuit on his end are slim. It's doubtful he'd sue anyway. Lawyer bills alone might be the same, if not more, than what the lawsuit would be worth!
As I advised the previous writer, document everything that happened that weekend (and even previous "red flags" you noticed to prove mental health issues).
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I work in a team setting. I'm efficient, responsible, and get my work done without reminders. My teammates are more "relaxed." Things are always done in the 11th hour. I'm going out of my mind! How can I get them to think more like me?
Signed,
The Efficient One
Dear Efficient One,
Here's what's interesting: You didn't say your co-workers don't get things done; you just said things get done at the last minute. So the problem isn't the fact you have inefficient co-workers, it's that you have co-workers who work differently from you. That doesn't mean their work habits are wrong. It just means they have a different work style.
Listen, I'm on your side here. I'm like you: I get my stuff done. Pronto. And sometimes even early. But you just have to respect the fact that other people may take a different approach. Some people work better under pressure. (I know, how?) Others work better with more of a time frame.
You have to do your part, then let it go. In other words, submit your end of the deal (on your own time frame) and let the others submit their part of the project on theirs.
Of course, hold them accountable. ("Okay, John and Rick, I submitted Part A. So, John, you'll do Part B by 12 am, and Rick you'll do Part C by 12 am?")
Even though it's frustrating waiting for your co-workers, try not to let that influence your own work habits. I'm sure people respect your work ethic even if you've heard no comments on it outright. So continue to do good work and you can never be faulted.
Good luck,
Kelli
Ask Kelli: Foot Fetish, Don't Want to Do Thanksgiving at M-Inlaws, & Man Watching Too Much Sports?
Dear Kelli,
I have a foot fetish. I could stare at people's feet all day long. Is this normal?
Signed,
Happy Feet
Dear Happy Feet,
Normal? Probably not. Insane? No. You have a foot fetish. Not the worst fetish I've heard. Look, everyone has a preference. Some like legs, others like feet. You're one of those. That's okay. In my opinion, as long as you aren't touching the stranger's feet, I think you're okay to admire them.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to tell my extremely persuasive mother-in-law that we don't want to come home for the holidays? We both want to stay here in DC, relax, and eat turkey in front of our own TV. She lives cross country. We really don't feel like schlepping on a five hour flight, waiting in line, and dealing with her force feeding that occurs every Thanksgiving.
Signed,
Homebound
Dear Homebound,
My first piece of advice is to have your husband manage his mother. When it comes to mother-in-law issues, it's in the husband's hands.
So have him do the dirty work.
Now if he is away or can't for some logical (key word, logical) reason, then I suggest you try telling the truth. Something like, "'Mom,' I have to be honest with you. We think it might be too much for us to fly out for Thanksgiving this year. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. We both have been feeling really drained lately and we're not sure right now we can withstand all the traffic and flying. This wasn't an easy decision, especially because we know how badly you want us to come out, so we thank you in advance for understanding."
Then end it. If she tries to guilt-trip you, you don't give in. You end it. Something like, "I know you really want me there, 'Mom' and I'm sorry we've come to this decision."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What's a reasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports? My husband watches 35 hours (yes 35!) of sports a week. It often takes the place of watching the kids, helping clean up, couple time, sex, etc. I'm getting fed up but wondering if I have reason to be.
Signed,
Not a Sports Fan
Dear Not a Sports Fan,
A unreasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports is at the point at which his wife feels their marriage has been compromised. You have every right to feel frustrated and annoyed. Thirty-five hours a week is a lot of TV time. It's a lot even if your husband is Michael Jordan.
So here's my advice. Stop being a doormat and start talking to your husband about it. Tell him your marriage is on the line. Yes, it's dramatic but it's also the truth. With 35 hours a week (and I assume he's also working?) when does he have time for you? And your kids? If he keeps on watching the amount he's watching, you're going to continue to feel ignored. And then eventually you're going to get resentful and possibly fall out of love. Maybe he doesn't directly mean to hurt you, but he is. He's also disrespecting your family. So you must say something. You have every right to feel "fed up."
It's one thing to have a passion and love for sports. And several hours a week is understandable. But 35 hours is a sign that something's not working. You need to have a sit-down with your man and discuss.
All the best,
Kelli
I have a foot fetish. I could stare at people's feet all day long. Is this normal?
Signed,
Happy Feet
Dear Happy Feet,
Normal? Probably not. Insane? No. You have a foot fetish. Not the worst fetish I've heard. Look, everyone has a preference. Some like legs, others like feet. You're one of those. That's okay. In my opinion, as long as you aren't touching the stranger's feet, I think you're okay to admire them.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is the best way to tell my extremely persuasive mother-in-law that we don't want to come home for the holidays? We both want to stay here in DC, relax, and eat turkey in front of our own TV. She lives cross country. We really don't feel like schlepping on a five hour flight, waiting in line, and dealing with her force feeding that occurs every Thanksgiving.
Signed,
Homebound
Dear Homebound,
My first piece of advice is to have your husband manage his mother. When it comes to mother-in-law issues, it's in the husband's hands.
So have him do the dirty work.
Now if he is away or can't for some logical (key word, logical) reason, then I suggest you try telling the truth. Something like, "'Mom,' I have to be honest with you. We think it might be too much for us to fly out for Thanksgiving this year. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. We both have been feeling really drained lately and we're not sure right now we can withstand all the traffic and flying. This wasn't an easy decision, especially because we know how badly you want us to come out, so we thank you in advance for understanding."
Then end it. If she tries to guilt-trip you, you don't give in. You end it. Something like, "I know you really want me there, 'Mom' and I'm sorry we've come to this decision."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What's a reasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports? My husband watches 35 hours (yes 35!) of sports a week. It often takes the place of watching the kids, helping clean up, couple time, sex, etc. I'm getting fed up but wondering if I have reason to be.
Signed,
Not a Sports Fan
Dear Not a Sports Fan,
A unreasonable amount of time for a man to watch sports is at the point at which his wife feels their marriage has been compromised. You have every right to feel frustrated and annoyed. Thirty-five hours a week is a lot of TV time. It's a lot even if your husband is Michael Jordan.
So here's my advice. Stop being a doormat and start talking to your husband about it. Tell him your marriage is on the line. Yes, it's dramatic but it's also the truth. With 35 hours a week (and I assume he's also working?) when does he have time for you? And your kids? If he keeps on watching the amount he's watching, you're going to continue to feel ignored. And then eventually you're going to get resentful and possibly fall out of love. Maybe he doesn't directly mean to hurt you, but he is. He's also disrespecting your family. So you must say something. You have every right to feel "fed up."
It's one thing to have a passion and love for sports. And several hours a week is understandable. But 35 hours is a sign that something's not working. You need to have a sit-down with your man and discuss.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Ask Kelli: Spouse Gained Weight, Type A That Can't Slow Down, & Texting Daughter
Dear Kelli,
Okay, I realize I am going to sound shallow, but my wife has gained weight. Not just a few pounds but about 20 in the past 10 years. She was always thin. It definitely bothers me. It doesn't seem fair—this isn't what I married into. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?
Signed,
Fat Woman's Husband
Dear Fat Woman's Husband,
Your feelings are your feelings. I never tell clients, "You can't feel this way or it's wrong to feel this way." You are most definitely entitled to feel the way you do. You're human!
Now is it justified to feel the way you do? Here's my answer: Yes and no.
Yes, it's justified to feel frustrated that the woman you married 10 years ago was 20 pounds lighter. She was a hottie then and you felt lucky marrying her. You didn't expect her to gain 20 pounds. Understandable. But let me ask you. Have you changed at all in the past 10 years? Wrinkles, perhaps? A little more gray? I have a feeling your wife isn't saying "I'm so resentful that my husband has more gray hair. This isn't what I married."
So I think there needs to be a little acceptance on your part that the woman you married 10 years ago wasn't going to stay exactly the same. I hear you that 20 pounds is a difference. But I also know you didn't only marry your wife for her looks. So I want you to think about the things that have changed in the past 10 years but for the better. Perhaps you're closer now? Have experienced more things together?
More importantly, however, there may be a deeper issue is why your wife's gained weight. Is she "emotionally eating"? Depressed? Maybe it's a thyroid issue? Perhaps you can talk about all of this. There might be a reason she's gained weight over the last 10 years.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm a definitely type A personality. I always need to GO, GO, GO! How can I slow down? I feel like it's virtually impossible for someone like me.
Signed,
Can't Wait
Dear Can't Wait,
Here's an interesting thought: Are you afraid that if you aren't busy, you won't feel important? Or that others won't view you as important? Are you afraid if you actually slow down and sit with the present moment, you won't like it? These are some of the reasons people who feel like they always have to be on the move don't like to sit still.
So realize your value isn't about what you do, how much you accomplish, or if you can get 10 errands done in one day. People don't care (they are too busy thinking about themselves). Here's an exercise that can help you to step back and slow yourself down: Write a list about what you believe makes you valuable. I bet you it's not how much you can do.
Be okay with doing nothing once in awhile. It's good for your body, mind, and soul to rest. Let that adrenaline take a break. It deserves it.
And I'd of course prioritize. Not everything has to get done in one day. Or 10 minutes. So make a list of the really important stuff and deal with that first.
And finally, meditate. I know. You are telling me you can't sit still, let alone meditate. But ironically, meditating will teach you to slow down.
Remember, less is more!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My daughter is constantly texting. Yes, she's a typical teen but what I'm nervous about is when she drives. I don't want to take away her phone in case of emergency, and aside from drilling it into her head, what else can I do to ensure that she won't text while driving?
Signed,
Mom of Texting Daughter
Dear Mom of Texting Daughter,
I thought of a few things:
1) Have her watch the Oprah episode about teens who texted while driving. It's eye-opening to see firsthand what can happen.
2) On that note: have her sign the Oprah no texting pledge.
3) Tell her to keep her purse (with her phone) in the back seat. This way she isn't tempted to text at the stoplights.
4) Remind her of the message: no text is worth dying for (I saw that on a commercial and thought it was very powerful!)
5) Talk to other moms and see what they suggest.
All the best,
Kelli
Okay, I realize I am going to sound shallow, but my wife has gained weight. Not just a few pounds but about 20 in the past 10 years. She was always thin. It definitely bothers me. It doesn't seem fair—this isn't what I married into. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?
Signed,
Fat Woman's Husband
Dear Fat Woman's Husband,
Your feelings are your feelings. I never tell clients, "You can't feel this way or it's wrong to feel this way." You are most definitely entitled to feel the way you do. You're human!
Now is it justified to feel the way you do? Here's my answer: Yes and no.
Yes, it's justified to feel frustrated that the woman you married 10 years ago was 20 pounds lighter. She was a hottie then and you felt lucky marrying her. You didn't expect her to gain 20 pounds. Understandable. But let me ask you. Have you changed at all in the past 10 years? Wrinkles, perhaps? A little more gray? I have a feeling your wife isn't saying "I'm so resentful that my husband has more gray hair. This isn't what I married."
So I think there needs to be a little acceptance on your part that the woman you married 10 years ago wasn't going to stay exactly the same. I hear you that 20 pounds is a difference. But I also know you didn't only marry your wife for her looks. So I want you to think about the things that have changed in the past 10 years but for the better. Perhaps you're closer now? Have experienced more things together?
More importantly, however, there may be a deeper issue is why your wife's gained weight. Is she "emotionally eating"? Depressed? Maybe it's a thyroid issue? Perhaps you can talk about all of this. There might be a reason she's gained weight over the last 10 years.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm a definitely type A personality. I always need to GO, GO, GO! How can I slow down? I feel like it's virtually impossible for someone like me.
Signed,
Can't Wait
Dear Can't Wait,
Here's an interesting thought: Are you afraid that if you aren't busy, you won't feel important? Or that others won't view you as important? Are you afraid if you actually slow down and sit with the present moment, you won't like it? These are some of the reasons people who feel like they always have to be on the move don't like to sit still.
So realize your value isn't about what you do, how much you accomplish, or if you can get 10 errands done in one day. People don't care (they are too busy thinking about themselves). Here's an exercise that can help you to step back and slow yourself down: Write a list about what you believe makes you valuable. I bet you it's not how much you can do.
Be okay with doing nothing once in awhile. It's good for your body, mind, and soul to rest. Let that adrenaline take a break. It deserves it.
And I'd of course prioritize. Not everything has to get done in one day. Or 10 minutes. So make a list of the really important stuff and deal with that first.
And finally, meditate. I know. You are telling me you can't sit still, let alone meditate. But ironically, meditating will teach you to slow down.
Remember, less is more!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My daughter is constantly texting. Yes, she's a typical teen but what I'm nervous about is when she drives. I don't want to take away her phone in case of emergency, and aside from drilling it into her head, what else can I do to ensure that she won't text while driving?
Signed,
Mom of Texting Daughter
Dear Mom of Texting Daughter,
I thought of a few things:
1) Have her watch the Oprah episode about teens who texted while driving. It's eye-opening to see firsthand what can happen.
2) On that note: have her sign the Oprah no texting pledge.
3) Tell her to keep her purse (with her phone) in the back seat. This way she isn't tempted to text at the stoplights.
4) Remind her of the message: no text is worth dying for (I saw that on a commercial and thought it was very powerful!)
5) Talk to other moms and see what they suggest.
All the best,
Kelli
Friday, October 22, 2010
Ask Kelli: Munipulative Friend, Co-worker clothes, Compliments
Dear Kelli,
I have a dear friend who did something horrible: She wanted a baby and essentially tricked the guy she was dating by saying she was on the pill when she wasn't. She's now six months pregnant and ecstatic. the problem is that I've lost respect for her. While I understand her longing for a child, I don't believe in how she went about it. Worse yet, the man she is dating told her upfront when they first started dating that he never wanted kids! Do I say something? Do I just not be friends with her?
Signed,
To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend?
Dear To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend,
Before you make any judgments I'd make absolutely sure you know exactly what happened. I just wouldn't want you to make your decision based on false information.
Assuming the information is absolutely correct, you have to ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who is capable of tricking a man she is dating into having a baby. I completely understand why you'd lose respect for someone like that. A person who'd do something like that is manipulative, selfish, and has shown a horrible disrespect for another person's wishes. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. Her actions would frighten me.
Still, I think you're past the point of saying something helpful about the situation. She's already six months pregnant, and you've seen what she is capable of. I would slowly exit the relationship. If she asks why, it's okay to be honest with her. Perhaps her wanting a baby overshadowed everything else, and you can mention that. The problem I have is with the man she is dating. It's not fair that this man is now a father because your friend wanted a baby. So you can point out how it's one thing to choose to change one's own life, but quite another to force her partner to change his life drastically as well. It should have been a decision they came to together, not something forced on him by her deceit. You can tell her that her actions have caused you to question her integrity and that has damaged your friendship.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How do you tell a co-worker that what she is wearing is completely unflattering and downright unattractive?
Signed,
Want to Help
Dear Want to Help,
Urgh, I feel for you. You have good intentions and you just want to help this poor person look nice. But with co-workers, I believe it's more complicated than it is with a friend or family. You have a job in common and you don't want to say things that would jeopardize your working relationship, and/or your job for that matter. So I would just keep your mouth (and eyes) closed. I just don't think it's worth it. You never know how this person will react.
Now if this person asks you for your opinion, well, that's a different story. I wouldn't say something negative about what the co-worker is currently wearing but maybe point out what would look nice. For example, you can say something delicate like, "You know you have a great neckline (arms, etc.) and I think this particular style would be very flattering on you."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is the best compliment you can give to someone?
Signed,
Want to Be Nice
Dear Want to Be Nice,
The best compliment, in my opinion, is one that is the most genuine. So if you really admire someone's intelligence, that would work. Or someone's artistic ability -- talk about that. Whatever you focus on, you should speak from the heart and let the person know how you feel. Although any compliment is great, one that is really personal feels the warmest to me!
All the best,
Kelli
I have a dear friend who did something horrible: She wanted a baby and essentially tricked the guy she was dating by saying she was on the pill when she wasn't. She's now six months pregnant and ecstatic. the problem is that I've lost respect for her. While I understand her longing for a child, I don't believe in how she went about it. Worse yet, the man she is dating told her upfront when they first started dating that he never wanted kids! Do I say something? Do I just not be friends with her?
Signed,
To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend?
Dear To Be a Friend or Not Be a Friend,
Before you make any judgments I'd make absolutely sure you know exactly what happened. I just wouldn't want you to make your decision based on false information.
Assuming the information is absolutely correct, you have to ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who is capable of tricking a man she is dating into having a baby. I completely understand why you'd lose respect for someone like that. A person who'd do something like that is manipulative, selfish, and has shown a horrible disrespect for another person's wishes. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. Her actions would frighten me.
Still, I think you're past the point of saying something helpful about the situation. She's already six months pregnant, and you've seen what she is capable of. I would slowly exit the relationship. If she asks why, it's okay to be honest with her. Perhaps her wanting a baby overshadowed everything else, and you can mention that. The problem I have is with the man she is dating. It's not fair that this man is now a father because your friend wanted a baby. So you can point out how it's one thing to choose to change one's own life, but quite another to force her partner to change his life drastically as well. It should have been a decision they came to together, not something forced on him by her deceit. You can tell her that her actions have caused you to question her integrity and that has damaged your friendship.
Good luck,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How do you tell a co-worker that what she is wearing is completely unflattering and downright unattractive?
Signed,
Want to Help
Dear Want to Help,
Urgh, I feel for you. You have good intentions and you just want to help this poor person look nice. But with co-workers, I believe it's more complicated than it is with a friend or family. You have a job in common and you don't want to say things that would jeopardize your working relationship, and/or your job for that matter. So I would just keep your mouth (and eyes) closed. I just don't think it's worth it. You never know how this person will react.
Now if this person asks you for your opinion, well, that's a different story. I wouldn't say something negative about what the co-worker is currently wearing but maybe point out what would look nice. For example, you can say something delicate like, "You know you have a great neckline (arms, etc.) and I think this particular style would be very flattering on you."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
What is the best compliment you can give to someone?
Signed,
Want to Be Nice
Dear Want to Be Nice,
The best compliment, in my opinion, is one that is the most genuine. So if you really admire someone's intelligence, that would work. Or someone's artistic ability -- talk about that. Whatever you focus on, you should speak from the heart and let the person know how you feel. Although any compliment is great, one that is really personal feels the warmest to me!
All the best,
Kelli
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