Dear Kelli,
I am a 39 year old female, MA graduate of a foreign university. I am planning to apply to Trinity University in DC to their MA Counseling program. Kindly advise when looking into programs in counseling with any university -- what do I really need to keep in mind? Also, for future job opportunities and financial success/stability in the field of counseling, does it matter which school I will graduate from? And on a different note, in your opinion, what is the key to success of a good counselor?
Many thanks for your time and response! Very grateful for your column.
Signed,
Counselor-to-Be
Dear Counselor-to-Be,
Congratulations on your decision to become a counselor. It's a wonderful career choice and I think it's great you are being proactive in learning all you can before you enroll.
I actually have my Masters in Social Work (MSW), not a Masters (MA) in counseling or psychology. So I can't speak too much from experience on the MA programs, but I'll give the scoop on MSW programs. With that being said, I'd definitely recommend you also speak with someone who has their MA so you can get a more balanced perspective.
First I'll tell you why I chose an MSW over other types of counseling degrees aside from PhDs. I felt the MSW was a very versatile degree. For me specifically, I felt it left more options open. I also liked that it was a degree well known to the public and that I was able to get credentialed/licensed in all states with it. Finally, I knew insurance companies would reimburse for my services (definitely something to consider!)
Degrees in the counseling field can be flexible as far as jobs go, but they can also get very specific. So my first question to you: Do you have an idea of what you want to do when you graduate from the masters program? Although you may change your mind after you finish your program, it's also good to think about this before you even begin. For example, if you know you want to be a school guidance counselor for a public school in Maryland, the job requires specifically a Masters in Counseling (MAC) and won't accept any other type of counseling degree. If you do have an idea of what you want to do, perhaps you can get verification on what specific degree the job requires. It never hurts to get more information. I would hate to see someone spend all this time and energy on a counseling program only to learn that the job they wish to pursue requires a different degree!
So again, I'm sorry I don't know more about MA programs but I can tell you about MSW schools. Generally the MSW programs are broken down in two categories: clinical (also called direct practice) or macro practice. Clinical focuses on direct practice with clients while macro focuses more on community or public policy. That isn't to say you can't do public policy if you graduate from a clinical program or vice versa. It's just what the school focuses on.
As far as job opportunities after you graduate, my guess is that the school itself isn't necessarily going to matter too much. That isn't to say I wouldn't recommend going to the best school you can get into. But I think getting a job will really boil down to your experience and what you can bring to the job. If you do go the social work route, the most important thing is to pick a school approved by the Council on Social Work Education (CSWE).
Finally, in my opinion, a successful counselor is one who can emphasize with a situation (not just sympathize), utilize different models of therapy (cognitive behavioral, systems theory, etc.), operate at a pace comfortable with the client, has a balance of self-disclosure, and is a good listener. I also think it helps if the therapist is well-rounded, nonjudgmental, and models appropriate boundary control.
Please let me know if you have any other questions.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
Since the tornado hit this weekend and our power went out, I found something out about myself. I get extremely frustrated and angry when things don't go the way I planned. I was so annoyed we didn't have air conditioning or electricity I almost hit the roof! Any suggestions?
Signed,
Not Going Amish Anytime Soon
Dear Not Going Amish Anything Soon,
My meditation teacher once told me the best way to get through life is to have no expectations. His theory was that people get upset because their expectations haven't been met. Even just having the insight to realize "Oh, this is different than what I was expecting" helps to see that although we may plan all we want, our life isn't really our own. There's a great expression: "We plan and God laughs."
I also like to see what I can learn from a situation I didn't want or plan to happen. So for example this weekend I learned that I take "little" things like electricity for granted. It was a nice reminder that boy do I have it good! It was also a nice global reminder that not everyone has the amenities we have. Sometimes suffering is good. It puts us in perspective!
Finally, I like the rationale that everything happens for a reason. It helps me when I'm in traffic or have missed an appointment. It also allows me to let go of "what should have been."
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My name is Meleah (pronounced Ma-lee-ah). I recently started a new job about three months ago and since my start date, my co-worker keeps calling me Miliah (Millie-ah). I know I should have corrected him from the start but I didn't want to embarrass him. How do I tell him he's calling me the wrong name? Is it too late?
Signed,
Meleah
Dear Meleah,
It's absolutely not too late! It's been three months, not three years! Could you imagine if you let this slide for another three months, then another, and yet another? So better now than even later!
I understand this is a delicate situation so I'd approach it two ways:
1) Make it very light-hearted and about you. You can say something like, "Hey Bob. I know I have a unique name. And it's often really hard for people to pronounce. But I wanted to let you know it's pronounced Ma-lee-ah. A good way to remember is it's like Leah with Ma upfront. Please don't sweat it. People do it all the time!"
2) If that is too hard, I'd approach a co-worker who does pronounce your name correctly and ask his/her opinion. Hopefully that person will say, "Oh, no problem I will tell 'Bob' he's mispronouncing your name." If not, I would ask that co-worker if they wouldn't mind hinting gently to Bob on your behalf. And they don't even have to outright tell him. They could just say your name correctly a few times. For example, "Hey, have you seen Meleah's spreadsheet? I was really impressed. Meleah sure does not how to work that Powerpoint."
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Ask Kelli: Organized or Disorganized Partner, Baby Names, and Celebrity Obsessed
Dear Kelli,
How does a couple navigate the distance caused by one partner being organized and one partner being disorganized? I am organized; my partner is not. I try and respect our differences and see the benefits each brings, but this difference raises challenges in our relationship from time to time. For example, he volunteered to organize our vacation, but failed to do so until I "forced his hand" when it was less than a week away! His failing to plan hurt my feelings terribly, but I know he's completely confused as to why. He is a very caring, considerate, and generous partner, so I am inclined to chalk it up to "lessons learned," but are there strategies we can employ to better deal with this on a day-to-day basis?
Thanks,
Confused but Hopeful
Dear Confused but Hopeful,
Okay, you're going to hate me but I have to say it: There isn't much you can do to change your husband's personality. That isn't to say there isn't much we can do to change the situation, but as far who your husband is: This is it. And I think the first step is just accepting that. I know. It stinks but it gets easier. The next step is turning that "flaw" around and looking at it for its merits. For example, your husband may not be the most organized person but perhaps that means he is more laid-back and relaxed in general? So for you that means more freedom when it comes to decisions like furniture, restaurants, etc. With each person's flaw or "challenge" there is also a benefit. So try and see if you can see that benefit in your case. Sometimes that change in perspective change help you, especially at the time you're frustrated.
Well, enough of the fluff part. It's understandable that you're frustrated with your husband's disorganization. I get that. But I'm wondering if you're enabling him by constantly picking up the slack for him. In other words, he knows he doesn't really have to do the work if you'll pick it up in the end. So why not try to pull back a little? Yes, this will be torture for you. But it will be a fantastic lesson for your husband. He will learn he actually has to do something. Without you. The first time he may not do it at all. But that's the best part. He'll finally learn that he has to do it because no one else will anymore. It's learning the hard way!
I'd also be prepared that how he does things may be different from you. But different doesn't equal bad or wrong. I always have to pick my battles and remember I'd rather something be done differently than not at all.
Finally, you could stress the importance of what it is you want done and empower your husband so he feels good and powerful. So for a future vacation something along the lines of, "Alan, this vacation means so much to me. You have no idea how happy I am that you chose to take this on. I know you'll plan a wonderful trip for us and I know I'll love whatever you pick. I'm really happy I can trust you to get it done." It's a little guilt-trippy but it should do the trick!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'll start out saying I had a pretty complicated birth with my son. I ended up in the ICU for 3 days and after I returned home still had complications for 30 days.
But here's the real story. My mom has been friends with a woman named Patty for many years. About a year ago, Patty's daughter Bianca named her female child Jordan. I liked the name for my son and also named him Jordan. My mom's friend Patty got remarkably upset because I chose the same name as her daughter. Now my mom's relationship with Patty is strained. Am I crazy or is this plain ridiculous? Not only am I not really friends with Bianca but she and her daughter live in another state!
Signed,
Name Blame
Dear Name Blame,
Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. Your health and the baby's health should have been the focus here, not the name of the child.
It sounds like Patty has some emotional issues. Clearly no genuine friend would place more importance over a name than their friend's daughter's health and the birth of a new baby.
No one has a patent on a name and to be so petty as to strain (or end) a relationship over a name shows Patty's true colors. Your mom learned something very important though: A true friend is labeled by her actions, not by their history.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm just curious if my "addiction" is cause for concern. I am obsessed with celebrity gossip. I'm embarrassed to say it but I buy (and subscribe) to about five different gossip mags. I watch "Access Hollywood" every night and I Tivo "TMZ". What do you think?
Signed,
Should Be One of the Paparazzi
Dear Should Be One of the Paparazzi,
The best way I can answer is this: Do you feel this "addiction" is taking over your life? In other words, is it replacing friends and/or family? Do you get anxious if you didn't read the latest magazine or you've missed one of the TV shows? Do you feel like you honestly can't stop thinking about celebrity gossip? These answers will give you deeper insight as to whether or not this is a true problem for you.
An addiction usually signals a void in one's life. So most likely you are using these magazines and shows as an escape and a way to fill up where you feel a loss. Answer this question honestly: Are you lonely? Angry? Depressed? I'd recommend talking to a counselor to see what is really going on. Because as much as it seems like it's a genuine interest in knowing what is going on with celebrities, it could really be a way for you to feel farther away from your own feelings.
Again, I'm not saying it's bad to read celebrity gossip (I'm curious myself about what will happen with Lindsay Lohan). I'm just saying it becomes an issue or an addiction when you feel it's controlling your life.
All the best,
Kelli
How does a couple navigate the distance caused by one partner being organized and one partner being disorganized? I am organized; my partner is not. I try and respect our differences and see the benefits each brings, but this difference raises challenges in our relationship from time to time. For example, he volunteered to organize our vacation, but failed to do so until I "forced his hand" when it was less than a week away! His failing to plan hurt my feelings terribly, but I know he's completely confused as to why. He is a very caring, considerate, and generous partner, so I am inclined to chalk it up to "lessons learned," but are there strategies we can employ to better deal with this on a day-to-day basis?
Thanks,
Confused but Hopeful
Dear Confused but Hopeful,
Okay, you're going to hate me but I have to say it: There isn't much you can do to change your husband's personality. That isn't to say there isn't much we can do to change the situation, but as far who your husband is: This is it. And I think the first step is just accepting that. I know. It stinks but it gets easier. The next step is turning that "flaw" around and looking at it for its merits. For example, your husband may not be the most organized person but perhaps that means he is more laid-back and relaxed in general? So for you that means more freedom when it comes to decisions like furniture, restaurants, etc. With each person's flaw or "challenge" there is also a benefit. So try and see if you can see that benefit in your case. Sometimes that change in perspective change help you, especially at the time you're frustrated.
Well, enough of the fluff part. It's understandable that you're frustrated with your husband's disorganization. I get that. But I'm wondering if you're enabling him by constantly picking up the slack for him. In other words, he knows he doesn't really have to do the work if you'll pick it up in the end. So why not try to pull back a little? Yes, this will be torture for you. But it will be a fantastic lesson for your husband. He will learn he actually has to do something. Without you. The first time he may not do it at all. But that's the best part. He'll finally learn that he has to do it because no one else will anymore. It's learning the hard way!
I'd also be prepared that how he does things may be different from you. But different doesn't equal bad or wrong. I always have to pick my battles and remember I'd rather something be done differently than not at all.
Finally, you could stress the importance of what it is you want done and empower your husband so he feels good and powerful. So for a future vacation something along the lines of, "Alan, this vacation means so much to me. You have no idea how happy I am that you chose to take this on. I know you'll plan a wonderful trip for us and I know I'll love whatever you pick. I'm really happy I can trust you to get it done." It's a little guilt-trippy but it should do the trick!
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'll start out saying I had a pretty complicated birth with my son. I ended up in the ICU for 3 days and after I returned home still had complications for 30 days.
But here's the real story. My mom has been friends with a woman named Patty for many years. About a year ago, Patty's daughter Bianca named her female child Jordan. I liked the name for my son and also named him Jordan. My mom's friend Patty got remarkably upset because I chose the same name as her daughter. Now my mom's relationship with Patty is strained. Am I crazy or is this plain ridiculous? Not only am I not really friends with Bianca but she and her daughter live in another state!
Signed,
Name Blame
Dear Name Blame,
Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. Your health and the baby's health should have been the focus here, not the name of the child.
It sounds like Patty has some emotional issues. Clearly no genuine friend would place more importance over a name than their friend's daughter's health and the birth of a new baby.
No one has a patent on a name and to be so petty as to strain (or end) a relationship over a name shows Patty's true colors. Your mom learned something very important though: A true friend is labeled by her actions, not by their history.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm just curious if my "addiction" is cause for concern. I am obsessed with celebrity gossip. I'm embarrassed to say it but I buy (and subscribe) to about five different gossip mags. I watch "Access Hollywood" every night and I Tivo "TMZ". What do you think?
Signed,
Should Be One of the Paparazzi
Dear Should Be One of the Paparazzi,
The best way I can answer is this: Do you feel this "addiction" is taking over your life? In other words, is it replacing friends and/or family? Do you get anxious if you didn't read the latest magazine or you've missed one of the TV shows? Do you feel like you honestly can't stop thinking about celebrity gossip? These answers will give you deeper insight as to whether or not this is a true problem for you.
An addiction usually signals a void in one's life. So most likely you are using these magazines and shows as an escape and a way to fill up where you feel a loss. Answer this question honestly: Are you lonely? Angry? Depressed? I'd recommend talking to a counselor to see what is really going on. Because as much as it seems like it's a genuine interest in knowing what is going on with celebrities, it could really be a way for you to feel farther away from your own feelings.
Again, I'm not saying it's bad to read celebrity gossip (I'm curious myself about what will happen with Lindsay Lohan). I'm just saying it becomes an issue or an addiction when you feel it's controlling your life.
All the best,
Kelli
Monday, July 19, 2010
Ask Kelli: Herbs for Anxiety, Mom Wants Daughter to Wear Makeup, & Husband Wants Time Alone
Dear Kelli,
Although I appear to be the all American super happy girl next door, I keep on screaming from within. For the past 3 years I've been suffering from reoccurring panic attacks and depression episodes. I keep a super healthy lifestyle, diet, exercising, even gave up on smoking, but I can't get better. Every time I seem to overcome, it comes to hunt me back with no reason (I'm a really happy and positive person). I don't want to spend my life in pain. Can you recommend a more natural remedy to help me get my life back? I take my meds and started to see a therapist but I've heard that acupuncture and some other more natural remedies can help. The media seem to be flooded with info and it is hard to know what's really worth a try.
Signed,
Butterfly in a Cage
Dear Butterfly in a Cage,
Thank you for writing. For liability purposes I have to tell you I'm not an herbalist, doctor, or a nutritionist, but I can give you my personal opinion. Of course you want to check with your MD before you try any of my recommendations below.
I found the best combination for anxiety or depression is cognitive behavioral therapy and medication and/or herbs. So your first step would be to seek a therapist. You can help anxiety in the short-term with herbs, but you want to get to the root of the issue and discover why you are anxious in the first place. We want to remedy the situation, not just the symptoms!
In the meantime, however, I personally found a few herbs that help take the edge
off.
For anxiety:
L-theanine (it's an amino acid found in tea leaves). You can find it at a
natural foods store. The nice thing about this is that it starts working in 20
minutes. Use as directed but I'd tried 200 mg in capsules form.
Valerian in tincture or capsules. Use as directed but I've tried about 40 drops
of tincture up to five times a day or 300-400 mg capsules twice a day. *Please
note although valerian has few side effects, taking the dried herb for more than
3 months may cause headaches and restlessness. Avoid the herb entirely if you
have a liver condition or you are taking any drug that depresses the central
nervous system (including alcohol).
Lemon balm is very calming and makes a nice tea.
A few other suggestions:
1) Avoid caffeine entirely
2) Keep a food diary to see if you can detect any correlation between your
attacks and specific foods you eat. Food allergies can sometimes invoke panic
attacks.
3) Try to meditate, do yoga, and/or something relaxing daily.
4) Learning breathing techniques. The mind follows the breath, so if you can
slow your breathing, you can slow your thinking.
For depression:
St. John's Wort (read bottle for specifications). *Please note: St. John's Wart
may interact with certain drugs
5-HTP (read bottle for specifications).
SAMe (read bottle for specifications). *Please note: do not use if you have
manic-depressive disorder or take certain antidepressants.
And yet a few more suggestions:
1) Increase your Essential Fatty Acids (EFAs). Examples include fish, flaxseed, primrose oil, etc.
2) Continue to exercise. It increases endorphin production.
3) Get as much natural light as possible and when it's winter consider purchasing a light box.
4) Be careful with artificial sweeteners (some say they block formation of serotonin).
5) Listen to music.
6) If you are an animal lover, surround yourself with pets.
Again, please talk to an MD before trying any of the above.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm a minimalist and a naturalist. My mom is more, let's just say, the Joan Rivers type. She always gets on me for not wearing makeup. She says things like, "You'd look so much prettier if you wore eyeliner or a little lipstick." How do I get her off my case?
Signed,
Bare and Proud
Dear Bare and Proud,
It sounds like you are proud of who you are and for that I applaud you. Often times are parents can be our harshest critics and their feelings/impressions can sometimes overtake our own. So the fact that you are okay with how you look is phenomenal. It sounds like you have a healthy self-esteem.
I would have a sit-down with your mom. Give her an example of something you like to do but she doesn't (i.e. camping, yoga, etc.). You can start with "Mom, it's no secret we both have different interests. For example, I love yoga but I know you hate it." Then let her know you are okay with that. "And I respect that. You like shopping and I'm not that into it. But I would hope that I never made you feel bad about not liking yoga. You are who you are and I know I can't force you to like something you don't." Then I would bring in the current situation. "But Mom, it's the same thing with makeup. I know you like it, but I don't. And I wish you'd respect that about me." Then make it personal. "And it actually hurts my feelings when you mention that I should be wearing it. It makes me feel like you aren't okay with me without makeup. Would you please respect my feelings about not wearing it? I'm not planning to wear it but I
promise you if I do, you'll be the first to help me pick out the right colors."
But it may not be about your mom being shallow. You can check in with her to see if this is really about looking pretty or if it's actually about bonding. Your mom may want you to wear makeup because that is such a strong part of her identity and she wants to share that with you. If that's the case, you can suggest other bonding activities you both like to do.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How can I get my wife to understand I just need some alone time once in a while? She gets hurt if I want to spend time watching TV downstairs or want to go fishing.
Signed,
Husband on a Short Leash
Dear Husband on a Short Leash,
What you're feeling is not uncommon. Both for wanting to spend time alone and for feeling bad that your wife is hurt. But taking time for yourself is not only healthy but necessary for your own well-being and your relationship. The first step to talking to your wife: Remind her of all that. Couples need time apart to reconnect. Absence makes the heart grow founder, remember? Second, remind her it's not personal. We women are sensitive creatures, so make sure to tell her it's not that you don't want to be with her. You love her, you love being with her, but you also need your cave-man macho man time alone. It makes you feel like a man (I know, I know. But you need to speak her language). Don't forget to tell her that time alone allows you to get excited to see her again. Finally, when you do set up a time alone, plan an activity with your
wife immediately when you return. This way she won't feel as neglected and will have something to look forward to.
All the best,
Kelli
Although I appear to be the all American super happy girl next door, I keep on screaming from within. For the past 3 years I've been suffering from reoccurring panic attacks and depression episodes. I keep a super healthy lifestyle, diet, exercising, even gave up on smoking, but I can't get better. Every time I seem to overcome, it comes to hunt me back with no reason (I'm a really happy and positive person). I don't want to spend my life in pain. Can you recommend a more natural remedy to help me get my life back? I take my meds and started to see a therapist but I've heard that acupuncture and some other more natural remedies can help. The media seem to be flooded with info and it is hard to know what's really worth a try.
Signed,
Butterfly in a Cage
Dear Butterfly in a Cage,
Thank you for writing. For liability purposes I have to tell you I'm not an herbalist, doctor, or a nutritionist, but I can give you my personal opinion. Of course you want to check with your MD before you try any of my recommendations below.
I found the best combination for anxiety or depression is cognitive behavioral therapy and medication and/or herbs. So your first step would be to seek a therapist. You can help anxiety in the short-term with herbs, but you want to get to the root of the issue and discover why you are anxious in the first place. We want to remedy the situation, not just the symptoms!
In the meantime, however, I personally found a few herbs that help take the edge
off.
For anxiety:
L-theanine (it's an amino acid found in tea leaves). You can find it at a
natural foods store. The nice thing about this is that it starts working in 20
minutes. Use as directed but I'd tried 200 mg in capsules form.
Valerian in tincture or capsules. Use as directed but I've tried about 40 drops
of tincture up to five times a day or 300-400 mg capsules twice a day. *Please
note although valerian has few side effects, taking the dried herb for more than
3 months may cause headaches and restlessness. Avoid the herb entirely if you
have a liver condition or you are taking any drug that depresses the central
nervous system (including alcohol).
Lemon balm is very calming and makes a nice tea.
A few other suggestions:
1) Avoid caffeine entirely
2) Keep a food diary to see if you can detect any correlation between your
attacks and specific foods you eat. Food allergies can sometimes invoke panic
attacks.
3) Try to meditate, do yoga, and/or something relaxing daily.
4) Learning breathing techniques. The mind follows the breath, so if you can
slow your breathing, you can slow your thinking.
For depression:
St. John's Wort (read bottle for specifications). *Please note: St. John's Wart
may interact with certain drugs
5-HTP (read bottle for specifications).
SAMe (read bottle for specifications). *Please note: do not use if you have
manic-depressive disorder or take certain antidepressants.
And yet a few more suggestions:
1) Increase your Essential Fatty Acids (EFAs). Examples include fish, flaxseed, primrose oil, etc.
2) Continue to exercise. It increases endorphin production.
3) Get as much natural light as possible and when it's winter consider purchasing a light box.
4) Be careful with artificial sweeteners (some say they block formation of serotonin).
5) Listen to music.
6) If you are an animal lover, surround yourself with pets.
Again, please talk to an MD before trying any of the above.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm a minimalist and a naturalist. My mom is more, let's just say, the Joan Rivers type. She always gets on me for not wearing makeup. She says things like, "You'd look so much prettier if you wore eyeliner or a little lipstick." How do I get her off my case?
Signed,
Bare and Proud
Dear Bare and Proud,
It sounds like you are proud of who you are and for that I applaud you. Often times are parents can be our harshest critics and their feelings/impressions can sometimes overtake our own. So the fact that you are okay with how you look is phenomenal. It sounds like you have a healthy self-esteem.
I would have a sit-down with your mom. Give her an example of something you like to do but she doesn't (i.e. camping, yoga, etc.). You can start with "Mom, it's no secret we both have different interests. For example, I love yoga but I know you hate it." Then let her know you are okay with that. "And I respect that. You like shopping and I'm not that into it. But I would hope that I never made you feel bad about not liking yoga. You are who you are and I know I can't force you to like something you don't." Then I would bring in the current situation. "But Mom, it's the same thing with makeup. I know you like it, but I don't. And I wish you'd respect that about me." Then make it personal. "And it actually hurts my feelings when you mention that I should be wearing it. It makes me feel like you aren't okay with me without makeup. Would you please respect my feelings about not wearing it? I'm not planning to wear it but I
promise you if I do, you'll be the first to help me pick out the right colors."
But it may not be about your mom being shallow. You can check in with her to see if this is really about looking pretty or if it's actually about bonding. Your mom may want you to wear makeup because that is such a strong part of her identity and she wants to share that with you. If that's the case, you can suggest other bonding activities you both like to do.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
How can I get my wife to understand I just need some alone time once in a while? She gets hurt if I want to spend time watching TV downstairs or want to go fishing.
Signed,
Husband on a Short Leash
Dear Husband on a Short Leash,
What you're feeling is not uncommon. Both for wanting to spend time alone and for feeling bad that your wife is hurt. But taking time for yourself is not only healthy but necessary for your own well-being and your relationship. The first step to talking to your wife: Remind her of all that. Couples need time apart to reconnect. Absence makes the heart grow founder, remember? Second, remind her it's not personal. We women are sensitive creatures, so make sure to tell her it's not that you don't want to be with her. You love her, you love being with her, but you also need your cave-man macho man time alone. It makes you feel like a man (I know, I know. But you need to speak her language). Don't forget to tell her that time alone allows you to get excited to see her again. Finally, when you do set up a time alone, plan an activity with your
wife immediately when you return. This way she won't feel as neglected and will have something to look forward to.
All the best,
Kelli
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Ask Kelli: Neat Freak, Mean Neighbors, & Scale to Dinner?
Dear Kelli,
I feel like I want my house to be perfect. I'm noticing I'm starting to really panic if things are out of place, if I haven't swept the floor, the dishes aren't put away, etc. I'm even waking up in the middle of the night to clean. Can you help?
Signed,
Neat Freak
Dear Neat Freak,
My gut is telling me this isn't about having everything clean. On the surface it might seem that way ("I can't stand the house dirty") but obsessive cleaning is really an underlying anxiety issue. In other words, the cleaning is a way to distract yourself from the uncomfortable feelings you are having. So I'd have to know more information to help you further.
What else is going on in your life? Can you pinpoint what is making you stressed out? Are you lonely? Somewhere your needs are not getting met and this is where you really need to be honest with yourself to get to the root of the issue. I'd highly recommend working with a counselor to help you further. Perhaps you can get a recommendation from a friend or on the listserv? If not, you can check out: http://www.helppro.com .
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My neighbors are not nice at all but for some reason I'm determined to be friendly with them. I've tried baking cookies, calling, etc. but they're not seeming to budge. What else can you recommend?
Signed,
Friendly Neighbor
Dear Friendly Neighbor,
My rule of thumb is: If you've attempted more than twice, you've done your part. In other words, now the onus is on them. And it sounds like they aren't interested in a friendship, for whatever reason. I'm sorry about that. I know it can be frustrating and hurtful.
Here's the thing: I think it's admirable you want to be friends with your neighbors, but at the same time I have to ask why you would want to be friends with people who aren't very nice? I wonder if this is more about fixing your bruised ego than it is really about pursuing a genuine friendship.
I wouldn't waste any more energy on people who don't want to be friends. I'd put new energy towards people who actually wanted to be my friends. So maybe it would feel good to write a card to an old friend or take them to dinner? And if you are looking for new friends, perhaps you can search by interest on meetup.com.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm on a weight loss program that requires me to weigh and measure my food. Do you think it's tacky to bring my scale out to dinner?
Signed,
Hoping to be Skinny
Dear Hoping to be Skinny,
I think it's great you are motivated to lose weight. I absolutely don't think it's tacky at all to take care of yourself in whatever way you need. I've seen people bust out their Points calculator (from Weight Watchers), order items from the waiter without sauce or butter, and even ask the chef personally for the nutritional information of an item. If it's what you need to do, it's what you need to do!
My only caution: Be prepared for a few looks or comments. You can always answer simply, "I'm on a weight loss program," or feel free to say nothing at all.(And don't be surprised if you find people wanting to borrow the scale from
you!)
All the best,
Kelli
I feel like I want my house to be perfect. I'm noticing I'm starting to really panic if things are out of place, if I haven't swept the floor, the dishes aren't put away, etc. I'm even waking up in the middle of the night to clean. Can you help?
Signed,
Neat Freak
Dear Neat Freak,
My gut is telling me this isn't about having everything clean. On the surface it might seem that way ("I can't stand the house dirty") but obsessive cleaning is really an underlying anxiety issue. In other words, the cleaning is a way to distract yourself from the uncomfortable feelings you are having. So I'd have to know more information to help you further.
What else is going on in your life? Can you pinpoint what is making you stressed out? Are you lonely? Somewhere your needs are not getting met and this is where you really need to be honest with yourself to get to the root of the issue. I'd highly recommend working with a counselor to help you further. Perhaps you can get a recommendation from a friend or on the listserv? If not, you can check out: http://www.helppro.com .
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
My neighbors are not nice at all but for some reason I'm determined to be friendly with them. I've tried baking cookies, calling, etc. but they're not seeming to budge. What else can you recommend?
Signed,
Friendly Neighbor
Dear Friendly Neighbor,
My rule of thumb is: If you've attempted more than twice, you've done your part. In other words, now the onus is on them. And it sounds like they aren't interested in a friendship, for whatever reason. I'm sorry about that. I know it can be frustrating and hurtful.
Here's the thing: I think it's admirable you want to be friends with your neighbors, but at the same time I have to ask why you would want to be friends with people who aren't very nice? I wonder if this is more about fixing your bruised ego than it is really about pursuing a genuine friendship.
I wouldn't waste any more energy on people who don't want to be friends. I'd put new energy towards people who actually wanted to be my friends. So maybe it would feel good to write a card to an old friend or take them to dinner? And if you are looking for new friends, perhaps you can search by interest on meetup.com.
All the best,
Kelli
Dear Kelli,
I'm on a weight loss program that requires me to weigh and measure my food. Do you think it's tacky to bring my scale out to dinner?
Signed,
Hoping to be Skinny
Dear Hoping to be Skinny,
I think it's great you are motivated to lose weight. I absolutely don't think it's tacky at all to take care of yourself in whatever way you need. I've seen people bust out their Points calculator (from Weight Watchers), order items from the waiter without sauce or butter, and even ask the chef personally for the nutritional information of an item. If it's what you need to do, it's what you need to do!
My only caution: Be prepared for a few looks or comments. You can always answer simply, "I'm on a weight loss program," or feel free to say nothing at all.(And don't be surprised if you find people wanting to borrow the scale from
you!)
All the best,
Kelli
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